I’d Like to Thank the Academy… for Not Affecting Me in Any Way Whatsoever. But Thanks You Guyz. Because You’re “the Academy” or Whatever.

I’m writing this future blog post on a Microsoft Word doc (I know, sooo 2008), lit’rally sitting in my driveway, using my neighbor’s wi-fi, because we don’t got no internetz up in hur. You know why? Because #lightning #struck #our #house. Those hashtags are all dedicated to you, Nathan. Since I know you read my blog now. You really shouldn't have outed yourself.

Once I know somebody reads my blog it’s like that part in all superhero movies when the superhero’s nemesis finds out who they really are, and then goes after their sweet lover, who is usually a really dumb girl who should have learned 20 minutes into the movie to stop going down dark alleyways in see-thru clothes, but does it anyway (I’m talking to you, Mary Jane Watson).

For the love of everything in this world, stop going down dark alleyways right after you've walked past guys who are most definitely thugs. Or I'mma do this:

(an accurate representation of me at 3pm every day)

Okay, so maybe these shout-outs aren't exactly like the Green Goblin kidnapping Spiderman's lover because he wants to kill Spiderman. But you know what I mean. I’m going to start giving shout-outs all over the place to people, so get ready for some embarrassment or warm fuzzies or whatever it is you choose to feel when I say “HOLLA AT SO-AND-SO FOR BEING MY FRIEND AND READING MY BLOG, ‘PRECIATE CHA!” It’s a good thing I’m not:

a) An actress (because stage makeup)

b) A really good actress (because paparazzi and I don’t react well to cameras)

c) A really good actress who wins Academy Awards and has to give speeches and thank “the Academy” (because speeches and crowds and tight dresses and also SPEECHES)

d) Allergic to chocolate

Here’s what’s goin’ on:

• I’m excited for The Hunger Games movie, part deux. I’m lame, whatever. But I’m excited because Peeta. And also because Peeta. Oops I already said that! Guyz. Have you read the books though? Because PEEETTTA. Kbye. (sidenote: pita bread is also good and so shout out to pita bread for being delicious)

Shout out to your perfect jawline

            

Shout out to you, perfect bread Frisbees of deliciousness

• I’m moving. I have a key to my new apartment. This is real life. F’realz. Who wants to buy me a broom so I can christen the floor? (shout out to you-know-exactly-who-you-are)
• I wore my Chacos for prooobbly the last time this year (sniff). They didn’t even do their duty and give me a zig-zag-tan this summer. Technically that’s the sun’s job and technically I have to be, like, out in the sun to get the zig-zag-tan. But I’m taking the irresponsible route and blaming my shoes. #mature #nathanareyoustillreadingthis
• I have one concert left this summer…and it is going to be off-the-chain-insane. Lit’rally. My dad told me there will most definitely be potheads present because this band likes pot or something?? (what band doesn’t…shout-out to the Beatles. R.I.P.) But really. HO-HEY SHOUT OUT TO THE LUMINEERS. And Dr. Dog. Who I am also essited to see. I’m gonna try and touch a band member’s shoe this time. I might get spit on but it’ll be worth it, right? They have medicine for STD’s, right?
• I actually found this site (accident) but you guyz, this is real life. It exists. It’s pretty fun to take this as if you were…um….a really short, super hairy, drug-addicted human being. Who also lives in Mexico City. Becuz that’s what I did. Don’t ask how much I was worth. Shout out to the creepy people who made this quiz. You should probably be in prison. Just saying.
• I made a duck-face jar for my cuate Trent (cuate=Mexican slang for homie). I wish I had taken a picture of it! Well, it’s not that hard to imagine. Here, close your eyes. Picture a Mason jar (anybody who has Pinterest can do this very easily). Now picture it with a piece of paper taped to it. The paper has the words “Duckface Jar” written on it in purple ink. Did I capture it for you? I mean, I think I got the basic imagery down. Now every time Trent makes the duck face at me he has to put candies/monies in the jar, and trade it for hugs, or I get to keep the candy/money. Turns out he is way more willing to hug me than I thought! So I should’ve thought of something lamer to put in the jar. Like lint balls or Hamburger Helper.

Here’s a sweet pic of Trent tho (Trent, this is your shout-out, obvs):

bless his heart. 

I think I need to go pack a box now. 

Solidarity: I’ll probably go eat some chocolate and take a nap instead. 

Oh yeah, it’s almost 8pm. Definitely taking a nap.

Over and out.