*movie trailer voice* IN A WORLD OF SCREEN ADDICTS, ONE GIRL ATTEMPTS TO READ 50 BOOKS IN ONE YEAR. WILL SHE REALIZE HER DREAMS OR REALIZE THIS GOAL WAS A REALLY BAD IDEA? I MEAN REALLY GUYS, WAS THIS A MISTAKE?!

Wow, typing in all caps is almost as cringey as yelling IRL. Is it cringey or cringy? My computer is giving me the red squiggly lines for both, so it's definitely... an English word.

So yeah, like the title says: I needed a goal because I felt like my life was kinda devoid of goals or hobbies or things other than being cold and sad (see: the winter of 2017). So I decided, why not read 50 books in one year?! It requires no physical activity whatsoever (hrm, and my vital organs are like "CAN IT BE OUR TURN NEXT YEAR PLZ CUZ WE'RE GETTING TOO INSULATED IN HERE"). And it requires pretty much zero effort because I love reading and it's not one of those goals I actually dread accomplishing. I was excited! I hadn't read more than 10 books for pleasure since grad school had ended, so it was time. My D.I. book collection was beginning to swell and I work in a library for cryin' out loud! If I left this job without taking advantage of that fact, it would be one of those stay-awake-at-night-regrets, just like when I left that perfectly intact candy bar just sitting on the ground, uneaten (IT WAS IN A WRAPPER OKAY).

That's enough of the caps lock button.

In this selfsame year (lol, selfsame), a few other unexpected goals kinda just popped their heads out of the ground like gophers and I had no choice but to, well, do them.

At the October General Conference, Pres. Nelson asked us to read the Book of Mormon before the end of the year. My first thought: Youuuu sneaaaakyyy mom! Yes. Because I, like many others, was already well into my own reading of the BOM (Book of Alma, if you want to know) (but I know you don't). And I was like But I CAN'T start it over and read it all in 3 months?!!!!!!!

And then wouldn't you know it, but the first story in the Book of Mormon is about a guy who has no idea what he's doing half the time but he does it anyway and learns how to do things along the way and he even builds a ship without any prior experience and while his brothers are whining about how nothing is getting done, he gets it done.

YOU KNOW?!

So God had some more to teach me, after all. My institute teacher says that as soon as we assume we know why we're receiving revelation or what the outcome will be of that revelation, the inspiration stops. Because we think it's over! We hold up an umbrella while the rain keeps coming down. In summary: I have been holding up an umbrella for most of this year. Because I just assumed God was "done" talking to me.

Well, then my Goodreads goal said I was at 45 books on this day, December the 11th, and I thought, well, it's not the end of the world if I don't finish.

*looks in mirror*
*holds the side of the mirror aggressively*
"YOU WILL FINISH YOUR GOAL, MCKENZIE."

Usually setting goals and accomplishing them brings such a sense of accomplishment that I immediately want to set another crazy but fulfilling one! *cough* unrealistic *cough

I guess 2019 is the year of the Run.

Here we go again.

only time will tell...

broken flowers

Last night I discovered a dumpster in the cemetery, overflowing with the dying flowers from Memorial Day:

I think it means something, but maybe that something is different depending on who you are (hashtag LIFE).

To me, it was a little heavy. Two weeks ago an old friend of mine took her own life--and this is not the first time I've lost a friend to suicide. A famous fashion designer committed suicide a few days ago, and everyone was shocked. Seems like it's always that--confusion, wondering how you could have missed someone being that sad and why didn't you do more, the inevitable guilt, and then the weird one--anger. A couple of weeks ago I learned that I have the hardest time feeling and expressing this emotion. It translates to me being low-energy, because all of that "fight or flight" energy just gets stuck with nowhere to go, and then, yeah...tired. Naps. Sad naps. Shower naps.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you should never feel ashamed or guilty for feeling something. An emotion just is. Let yourself feel it. And I really hate being angry--it means someone hurt me, I let them hurt me, or  they betrayed my trust or made me feel small or confused. But if I let it sit inside me, I end up feeling worse, always.

My therapist is a big proponent of throwing rocks--big ones. Or you could try hitting something (not a person)--a punching bag or a pillow or a ball. Seven years ago when I found out my friend had killed herself, I got on my bike and started riding away. I didn't know where I was going, but I had to do something. And I also wanted to cry without being seen.

Yes, bad things are going to happen to the ones we love. We can't prevent that, not really. But I think life would be better if we enjoyed all the time we had with them while they were here. If you ever feel alone or misunderstood or depressed, please reach out to someone. Even if you think nobody cares about you, I bet you there's at least one person who does. There's at least one person who will be sad to find out you're gone.

And if you don't have someone, you can talk to me.

a poem:

The Night Where You No Longer Live

BY MEGHAN O'ROURKE

Was it like lifting a veil

And was the grass treacherous, the green grass

Did you think of your own mother

Was it like a virus

Did the software flicker

And was this the beginning

Was it like that

Was there gas station food

and was it a long trip

And is there sun there

or drones

or punishment

or growth

Was it a blackout

And did you still create me

And what was I like on the first day of my life

Were we two from the start

And was our time an entrance

or an ending

Did we stand in the heated room

Did we look at the painting

Did the snow appear cold

Were our feet red with it, with the wet snow

And then what were our names

Did you love me or did I misunderstand

Is it terrible

Do you intend to come back

Do you hear the world’s keening

Will you stay the night

Source: Poetry (November 2015)

@ my future: don’t be hasty

Tonight I was packing up my room for the umpteenth time + all the STUFF (pointless stuff) I’ve accumulated over the years and I started to think, as one does....when I started to realize how much of myself has been collecting itself behind me, like a little trail. So I started to get a little nostalgic, because duh. I have so many journals full of entries like this one:

“Sometimes I just WANT to be married and sometimes I’m content being alone. I think I need to be with someone who makes me prefer not being alone, because I honestly really like it.”

Yeah. Yep. Did you know I was two days overdue because I was just too comfy in my mom’s womb? (sorry mom) The doctors even put her on Pitocin, but I would not budge. She got into a Jacuzzi and I floated around happily. #INTROVERT She chewed on ice chips through those contractions and I was like “No thank you, I’m not coming out!”

I’ve always kept myself far from change--as far as I could, anyway. But then 2014 happened. The Butterfly Year. Is that we call those? The year (or years) of life when you metamorphasize from a fuzzy, hungry, fat caterpillar who mostly sleeps into...A CREATURE THAT FLIES! (one is obviously better than the other) That was my year. As evidenced by those aforementioned journal entries (many of them stained with tears), that was the year God really tested me...at times to the point where I thought I would surely break.

I filled up word documents with quotes to help heal the wounds. And I wrote. I prayed, and I ran. Yes, literally running away from my problem(s) helped. I talked to my parents probably more than I ever had before. And slowly, I healed. But then I was a different person--a better version of myself. And that person wanted different things than Kenzie 1990-2013 had wanted. Or maybe she just wanted to obtain those things differently. I mean, nothing was working my way. I decided to bend.

“And we, ourselves, also, through the infinite goodness of God, and the manifestations of his Spirit, have great views of that which is to come; and were it expedient, we could prophesy of all things.

And it is the faith which we have had on the things which our king has spoken unto us [faith in Christ] that has brought us to this great knowledge, whereby we do rejoice with such exceedingly great joy.”

Mosiah 5:3-4 (emphasis added)

I finally finished applying for grad school, after dragging my feet for ages. Seriously--I knew I should apply for grad school a week before I graduated from BYU-Idaho. In 2012. I took the GRE in Fall 2013. Didn’t bother looking at the results because I wanted to stay right where I was. But after 2014, I decided to stop ignoring those promptings I was getting and just see what happened. So I did. I moved to Logan without knowing a single soul there, save for Emily, who let me stay in her house for a week (I still love you for that, Em. And for the pillow chocolates). I lived out of my car for that week, too. I was so embarrassed to be driving around the town with pillows and lampshades and boxes in the backseat of my car. I didn’t eat very much because I didn’t get paid until October 1st (sorry mom...again).

I started teaching college English classes--something you never would’ve caught me imagining, let alone actually doing, not even a year before. I began to write again--for real. Words came out of me that I didn't know were there. I cried a lot. I kept praying, man. I didn't give up but I wanted to all the time. The insomnia that first semester of grad school nearly did me in (BaRF). Something funny happens after you turn into a butterfly--you don’t become invincible. Hard things still happen to you. In fact, their frequency probably increases a little bit. But dontcha see? It’s because you were never meant to be a butterfly or a caterpillar or any kind of insect because you’re a human, dangit! And humans are divine.

As soon as I began to let go of all the things I wanted to control about my life and give them to someone who knew me better than I did, my life changed. I changed. Everything about the last two years is still surreal to me. Every bit of it. I could’ve never guessed that any of it would happen.

And so, if you’re worried or anxious about your future, thinking that maybe something you really, really want isn’t in the cards for you...well, I bet it is. And it’s probably gonna be even better than you think, because you’re not a butterfly yet. Have I beaten that metaphor to death yet?

I re-read those journal entries from 2014, and guess what? I got everything I was mourning over/praying for, but it came to me tenfold.

Don't give up. Don't do it. It's a trick.

an honest post

I'm going to let you in on a secret. I am pulling you by the shirt collar so you'll lean in while I whisper it to you. Ready?

I have no idea what I'm doing. I read that in my head very slowly, so that my head might comprehend it, and then perhaps maybe my head would/will stop being so hard on me. Sayin' things like "You're not good enough for this" or "You should probably just give up now because you're lost" and other such awful things. Awful, I tell ya. "Sometimes to stay alive you gotta kill your mind," yes I just quoted song lyrics on here, yes I just quoted a Twenty One Pilots song on here, but it applies. And I'm alllllll about constant and thorough application (especially when it comes to lotion).

The story goes like this:

Girl graduates from college (the first time, lol).

Girl thinks now she has everything figured out.

Girl does not.

Girl takes a handful of jobs that don't really suit her and don't pay the bills sufficiently.

Girl plays with the idea of grad school for a long time (3 years), but doesn't do anything about it because she's scared it will just make her poor again and she still won't have any idea what to do with that degree. So she waits in fear.

Girl finally applies to grad school and gets in. A sign maybe? Maybe she is supposed to do this after all? 

Not knowing why, girl moves to Logan and starts school.

It's hard.

Way harder than she thought. 

She never sleeps because of all the work, and she's lonely, and is still freaking out thinking, "Why am I here??"

The second semester is better. 

Girl sort of knows what she's doing now. 

She sleeps better.

But occasionally, the original panic sets in.

Like today.

Today, the girl woke up having left another awful (temporary) job, and, realizing she was again without a steady income... panicked.

Girl walked to plasma center, where her pulse was so high (i.e. the panic) that they turned her away.

Girl cried all the way home because now she can't even give plasma, which makes her feel dumb for coming all the way to grad school without any idea what she'll do with the degree (sound familiar)?

Girl has a shower cry.

Girl prays.

Girl tries to convince herself that what she's doing really is right because she felt like it was many times before, even though it feels totally ridiculous and illogical right now. 

SPOILER: THE GIRL IS ME.

I have been struggling for awhile. Since 2012 when I left BYU-Idaho, I thought that my life would finally "start," whatever that means, and I'd get a good job and establish myself in the world and not constantly worry about if I was gonna have to buy groceries that week, bla bla bla. I hope this doesn't come off as whiny. It's mostly just to say that if you're panicking about a recent huge life choice you made, it's normal (I hope???). I mean, it's relatable. I MEAN...I think this happens to everyone at least once, but probably more than once. 

We get prompted to do something that would majorly test our faith, so we do it (after some nudging, at least on my part because I am stubborn and fearful), and then things don't really...work? 

I don't know why, but I always expect things to go smoothly after I follow a prompting. Like, yes, now my life will feel complete and I'll feel like I'm going in the right direction. Things will get easier now.

No. That's never happened to me. Following promptings is hard, and I don't just mean the initial "yes okay I am going to do this finally" part, when we surrender our stubbornness, but when we actually start the dang thing it feels impossible. It feels never-ending sometimes. It feels like...I have a lot more shower cries to come until I get this right.

I've been sitting in this basement apartment since last August and looking upwards going, "Okayyyyy?????? Is this right???? Did I make a wrong turn? Are you absolutely sureeee????" 

Sometimes I don't get any feedback. Which is hard, because feedback is what keeps me going (just ask Houston, my love language=words of affirmation). But that doesn't mean God isn't there and that He isn't listening. Sometimes one prayer is enough to get me through one more day, and then I try again.

I'm trying to stop asking so many questions and just...go. Just do it. And then I remember that the right path is always uphill (President Eyring said so), so this has to be right, even though it feels wrong sometimes. 

DOES THIS MAKE ANY SENSE?!

I don't know how to end this, so....goodbye and peace be the journey and I'm trying and so are all of us so let's just calm down for a sec and stop panicking.

the art of asking for things

I hate the weird encroaching feeling that I get sometimes when I haven't written on this blog in awhile. And I'm starting to think my actual journaling habits are starting to coincide with this blog as well. I cringe as I type this, but I haven't written a real-life journal entry in my beloved notebook for four months now. Anyway, blogging. Why do I feel obligated to share whatever happens to be in my head for the entire world to find/read/analyze/laugh at/laugh with/cry with? 

I'm sure many a blogger has had a "blogging existential crisis" and oft times it led them to just delete their blog altogether and then they have declared themselves "free." Well, it wouldn't be so for me. Like, I did that once. I didn't delete the blog, I just abandoned it, because it felt finished. In a certain English class many years ago, one of my poetry professors said no writing is ever finished, we just abandon it. So, whatever, it was finished, I abandoned it, the things I created the blog for had served their purpose and I put them in the proverbial Cemetery of Blogs (RIP and I'm sorry that people still find that blog because they google "redhead in overalls." I'm not sorry my blog is the first hit, I'm just sorry people are still googling that for some reason? Although overalls are making a comeback. I DIGRESS). But I need to write. I have to write somewhere, and blogging seems as good a place as any.

The point is, sometimes I have no idea why I am still blogging. Especially when I feel like I don't have anything to say, nothing. Since school got out for the summer I have been experiencing another round of writer's block, which comes to haunt me at the worst possible times--when I have nothing to do. I have TIME. I have actual time, reams of it, with which to work on my thesis or read or do anything but study, and yet inspiration eludes me. 

Instead I sit at a very small cubicle (technically it's an isosceles shape but there's not a name for desks shaped like triangles, k) every day and call 250 people a day and I rehearse the same words over and over and I get paid minimum wage to do that, because I still have to buy groceries, even though I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job of existing right now, yes I still have to eat. Dangit. 

And I give plasma (sorry mom) because of the same reasons and dadgummit I just hate this feeling of wasting time. 

So of course, after another day of letting it crash down on me, I crashed (literally) up against a chair and broke my pinky toe, and now I can't walk without looking like I'm coming forth from the Black Lagoon. This happens a lot. When I need to be humbled, God usually does it by way of physical ailment because then I have to--DUN DUN DUN--rely on other people. The horror! But really. A nightmare for someone like me who wants to be independent every ding dong day but also feels like a useless fish right now with no purpose but also still wants to try and do everything herself. 

So then God, all-loving and perfect parent that He is, says gently, "McKenzie, you need to practice reliance. Not just self-reliance, but reliance on others."

Think of it this way. Somewhere someone in your general arm's reach has prayed today for an opportunity to serve someone. It may have even been you that they prayed for specifically! And when you say, "No thanks, I can do it myself," even when you're literally limping to go to the kitchen, you're not letting that person's prayer be answered, and you're also being a stubborn donkey. Cut it out, McKenzie.

My point is, it's okay to ask. It's okay to ask for help, inspiration, patience, a physical helping hand, eternal perspective, understanding of sorrow, and all the other things.

That's what the scripture says: "Even more amazing than modern technology is our opportunity to access information directly from heaven, without hardware, software, or monthly service fees. It is one of the most marvelous gifts the Lord has offered to mortals. It is His generous invitation to “ask, and it shall be given you; seek,and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.” This timeless offer to provide personal revelation is extended to all of His children. It almost sounds too good to be true. But it is true!" Russell M. Nelson "Ask, Seek, Knock"

I'm not saying the answers will come quickly or all at once. They usually hit me when I'm least expecting it. When I have waited for quite some time. I know I'm an impatient person because God makes me wait a lot--He's teaching me patience. My old stake president called them "at the buzzer moments." He said God loves "at the buzzer" moments. Right at that point when you think you just can't anymore, that's when he gives you the answer or the help or the inspiration or whatever it is. But He won't give you anything if you don't ask.Somehow I started a post about not feeling inspired and ended it with...asking. Hmm. Interesting.

for the afternoon crowd

Ooooh, those trials of faith will really get you to stop and think, won't they? Not a day goes by when I don't feel like my faith is getting tested a little bit more than it was the day before. Heavenly Father must expect some great things from me, and that's why he's testing me. I can only hope I'm doing a good job. Sometimes it doesn't feel like it.

I was talking to a friend recently about application. Not application of foundation (different blog, move on, people, move on) (but if you want to apply your foundation correctly go with a Beauty Blender, ok bye).

We were talking about "gospel blogs" and the like and she told me she'd been looking for something with a little bit more substance. All of us probably read Pinterest quotes all the time and post them on our Instagram, we post a video and hashtag it with the latest #sharegoodness derivative, we gush on our Facebook page about how grateful we are, but I don't know if we talk enough about application.

David O. McKay articulated it best:

"Faith in God cannot of course be other than personal. It must be yours; it must be mine; and, to be effective, must spring from the mind and heart. What we need today is faith in the living Christ, which is more than a mere feeling, but a power that moves us to action—a faith that will put purpose into life and courage into the heart. We need the gospel of application." (source)

I know that for myself, the gospel makes a lot more sense to me when I use it. Well duh. Of course it does. If you never drove your car and just stared at it sitting in your driveway, you'd never learn how to drive or how to be around other drivers or understand traffic laws. You'd just have a potential way to get around. But of course it wouldn't do you any good. The gospel is the same way. The only way I can make the gospel work for me is when I use it every day. I'm still figuring out what that means for me, but everyone has personal things they're working on. If you want a great talk about that, I would check out Elder Lawrence's "What Lack I Yet?" That was a wonderful talk about application.

I'm not sure why this is on my mind right now, but here it is. It's not very elegant or complicated, but that's the gospel. It's simple. Next time you post on social media about #sharinggoodness, try asking yourself what you can do to apply what you've just shared. That's what I'm trying.

burning stuff

a place you can go if you want to dropkick fear into outer space

I wrote a poem last week. The first line said, "Before you burn something you have to say its name." I think I need to talk about this some more, and what I mean by "this" is that four letter word we all know pretty well by now. Fear. Before we let go of something that's been eating us alive, we have to acknowledge our attachment to it. Yeah, humans love fear. They love it. It's a frappin' disease.

This morning I woke up to see that one of my dear friends had posted a picture of Belgium. At first I thought it was kind of random, I mean I knew she had gone on her mission there but why post it now? She'd been back for a few years. Then I scrolled further down the page. For some reason, this time struck me differently than all the other times--like this realization that we're dealing with a really, really evil adversary right now. Satan is dead set on this whole enmity thing. But I'm not gonna let him win, not today.

I sat in my bed for awhile and I cried. Like, really cried. It was so weird and rare (ha!). I think the combination of what had happened + some people's commentary on it was already so frustrating to me. Because the main message of society/the internet/whoever wants attention at the moment (Trump, I'm talking to you) was this: be afraid. It's going to happen to us next. Let's round up all the people who could be associated with this and get rid of them. Let's hole up in our houses and never leave. Let's bully people into submission. Yes, let's. That sounds like a great solution.

I want to be very clear: fear will get you absolutely nowhere. This is an eternal truth I have learned by experience, but if you haven't gotten there yet, fear not! Here's some scriptures to back it up:

1st Nephi (basically the entire book) *emphasis added
1st Nephi 4:6-7 "And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do....nevertheless I went forth."
1st Nephi 12:23 "...after they had dwindled in unbelief [a symptom of fear=staying put], they became a dark, and loathsome, and a filthy people, full of idleness and all manner of abominations."
1st Nephi 17:3 "And if it so be that the children of men keep the commandments of God he doth nourish them, and strengthen them, and provide means whereby they can accomplish the thing which he has commanded them; wherefore, he did provide means for us while we did sojourn in the wilderness." (they were in one place, but moving forward despite not knowing the future)
Helaman 5:34 "they were immovable because of the fear which did come upon them..."
Alma 12:10 "...he that will harden his heart, the same receiveth the lesser portion of the word..."
Matthew 14:3-31 But when he saw the wind boisterous, he [Peter] was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me. And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?"

We all know what the opposite of fear is! Faith. But faith is dang hard to execute. Trust me, I know. I cannot tell you how many times in just the last five years of my life that Heavenly Father nudged me to do something that was totally ridiculous to me (at the time). Exhibit A: grad school. But I finally learned (through many heartbreaking lessons) it was easier to just move forward instead of sitting still in fear. And it was so much more rewarding. Faith is like that, you know.

"Just as doubt, despair, and desensitization go together, so do faith, hope, and charity. The latter, however, must be carefully and constantly nurtured, whereas despair, like dandelions, needs so little encouragement to sprout and spread. Despair comes so naturally to the natural man!” Neal A. Maxwell, one of my favorites ever, said that, and it's true. Why do we love despair so much? Why?? Why do we hold onto its skirts and let it drag us through the mud? Is it exhilarating? Maybe for a second. I guess you do feel like you're moving somewhere, even if it's an imaginary somewhere that you've only made up so you have someplace for your doubt to land. 

If there's something making you stew with fear right now, pray for help to overcome that. I know you can--that's part of the enabling power of the Atonement. The Savior makes it possible to overcome the insurmountable--like living in a world that deals with the kind of news we got today on a regular basis. 

So if you're reading this right now, today, and you're about to do it--don't. Don't succumb to fear--stick it in the fire. 

It's a dirty pirate, anyway. And it takes no prisoners.

even Nephi cried himself to sleep sometimes

this is also how I react when people ask me about things I don't wanna deal with

Regarding the title, I promise it's true. 2 Nephi 33:3, look it up. Not sacrilegious.

The point of this post is just to give you a little push. A boost (not like the kind they give you at Jamba Juice--you know, those pointless "vitamin" boosts that don't do anything except empty ur wallet). This year has been tough for me. A lot of things didn't go the way I wanted them to. I'm still learning faith and patience. I'll probably still say that 50 years from now. But really. Life isn't really easy. Even those people you probably follow on Instagram who have a seemingly perfect life...they probably don't. Filters, man. They cover up stuff.

ANYhow. This is just to remind you that you can do it. If you're discouraged about something or a lot of things, you need to let go of them right now. It's hard--it's so hard for me--to do that. To give my problems to Heavenly Father and say "Here, I have done everything I can with this and I can't do anymore. Please help." I'm bad at asking for help. Heavenly Father wants us to ask for help. Not for him, though. For us! C.S. Lewis said, "I pray because I can’t help myself. I pray because I’m helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time--waking and sleeping. It doesn’t change God--it changes me." It changes me. And man, if anybody needs changing it's me. 

It's all of us. 

Yesterday our home ward got a new bishop, and he talked about how interesting it was that God had "softened" his rough edges over the years, preparing him for this calling. He said we all start out kind of rough and jagged. But our experiences + the Savior soften us up. He molds us perfectly, even though it hurts. Dangit, it hurts. 

Now if He could just make my Spotify Discover Weekly really good, life would be golden.

Now that's sacrilege!