why I (sorta) quit true crime podcasts

I say sorta because I'm still currently listening to "Cold," but I know how that one ends, and it's more frustrating and sad than gruesome. Still doesn't explain why I like listening to frustrating and sad things, though.

Last year I had an abundance of time at work and nothing with which to fill it. So I started to listen to true crime podcasts, because I didn't have to pay very much attention to what was happening and I could still teach myself Adobe Illustrator or something. Until I did start paying attention, and then the things I was hearing were just too much. True, it has helped me to be more cautious--when I was in high school I would go running at night all the time, always alone, never with any sort of reflective gear on or mace or anything. Now I would never do that.

I have mixed feelings about this culture of fear that's so prevalent now, though! As a kid I was often sent outside for the entire day and most of the time my mom vaguely knew where I was (in the general neighborhood), but I didn't have a cell phone or a walkie talkie or GPS or anything. She just trusted that I would come home at the end of the day (and I did). As a teenager, my friends and I would have sleepovers where we'd usually end up walking around the neighborhood (at 1am) just because. That sounds insane to me now, but at the same time....

Is the world really a scarier place now than it was then? Is the risk higher? I'm not a parent yet, so I can't say for sure how I'll feel about letting my future kids run loose without really knowing where they are at all times, but I don't want them to be anxious. I don't want them to think that the possibility of bad things happening in the world is more likely than good things.

There are so many good things. We just don't ever talk about them.

 

 

On good days, if you trust life, life has to answer you.

— Albert Camus, from A Happy Death (Vintage, 1995)  

things I'm learning

*picture-heavy post ahead*

Short hair is just a better look for me, and I'm okay with that. Still getting used to not having the bun as a lazy option.

I love lip balm. I have work lip balm, random drawer lip balm, purse lip balm, pocket lip balm, and car lip balm. Also, I love saying lip balm. It feels kind of like a tropical island on your tongue. 

My wallet doesn't love lip balm.

We have a fiber arts club at work. This week I'm bringing Frida. It's hard to balance embroidery with all the other things I want to do, because it takes a lot of time + patience--things I do not have in large supply. Our talents and interests are supposed to teach us, right?

Salted browned butter rice krispy treats YES. I gave these to a dear friend in the ward, and she said "You know it's true love if someone takes the time to brown butter for you." May we engrave that saying on all of our hearts.

I used to have playlists for different seasons, but now they're all bleeding together. I think it has more to do with emotions and memories than seasons, although they are so often linked together. For example--Bibio used to be strictly for autumn playlists. But now it's reappearing in heavy rotation, right as spring lets out its last beautiful breath (I can feel you, summer, burning my neck...ack).

If you aren't a walk person, you should be. Proof:

I've now reached a point in my adulthood when going to bed at 11pm is "early" ew

I've been looking for an excuse to post this somewhere

Lest you think I have completely fallen off the wagon (ha, what is that phrase), I'm still writing. Mostly poetry. For my thesis. And I've been reading. Mostly poetry. For...yeah, you guessed it.

Other things I've been doing besides blogging:

• walking to and from the grocery store and exercising my arm muscles but mostly getting those weird sweat driblets from my arm crease? Woof.
• hammocking on Old Main Hill. The right side of the hill is immaculate and beautiful, while the left side is totally gross. It's a funny story. During the school year, someone put weed killer all over the newly planted grass instead of fertilizer. Hence, now there are dead, brown patches and other parts with weeds growing like they came straight outta Jumanji. It's bad. So I hammock on the right side, obviously, for aesthetic.
• driving to Idaho. jk, Houston drove to Idaho. but I was in the car. and it was my idea. also, Idaho isn't that far from Logan (try 20 minutes). I could probably suggest a trip to Sudan and he'd be like "sure, why not?" everyone should have someone like that in their life. well, not someone who would willingly go to Sudan. merp.
• eating my weight in string cheese and hummus. when summer comes, I no longer want meals-- just snacks. it's weird.  and it's not a weight thing. srsly.
• re-watching The Office. for some reason I never actually watched the episode when Michael leaves? Now I know why. Cry-fest.
• starting to work in the temple again. technically I don't start until next week but I got set apart and after that they said, "Welcome home!" :''''')

and now, pictures! I should probably put these first so you guys are lured into the blog post and then can leave whenever you want. whoops.

mi amor, Kyrbo, taking a pic of the sunset #candid

that rock I'm staring at in the distance=Angel's Landing. yeah we hiked the mountain ABOVE it, which is nothing short of hellacious, mostly because there's no shade and it's 8ish miles uphill. but we dID IT, amen.

me on the last day of school picking up thesis books from the library. I have been to the library three more times since then. YEAAAAAAAAA 

on the way home from St. Jorge, we got caught in a storm

on the Idaho border, woo

SHMAE came to visit!!! We went to Morty's, the D.I., walked around campus so I could convince her to come to USU (it worked) (I think), and then went up the canyon. Houst was a great third wheel.

me: "ugh, I look so short."

houston: "yeah. I look so...tall." 

me: -_-

greatitude

Gratitude is great, and sometimes it just kind of hits you upside the head, like "HEY! STOP COMPLAINING ALREADY."

And so, even though the first day back from spring break greeted us with a nasty cold front, I have so much more good stuff to write about than the weather. Honestly, the weather? Yawn.

1. I got a raise. I got a raise! It's still weird to me that I can write sentences like that. Adult sentences. About full-time jobs. Full-time jobs teaching kids how to write papers. If you had told me when I was 17 that someday I'd be saying stuff like this, I would've given you this look:

2. Those little guacamole packs from Wal-Mart. They saved me recently on a thuper long road trip. I know that by saying "thuper" I totally negated the first thing on my list. Whaterver.

3. Even though the lack of spring is a bummer, it means I can still wear sweaters. My summer wardrobe is really not cute. At all. Why am I writing this?

4. I have the nicest friends and family. And I admire them more than Kanye admires his own reflection.

5. THE DESERET INDUSTRIES BLESS THIS ESTABLISHMENT 5EVER. I have never been so high after a shopping trip than after I leave the D.I. in Logan. It's just so...gosh. Remind me to write a poem about it someday. 

6. Freddie Prinze Jr. (the neighbor's cat)--on days when I feel like nobody is paying attention to me, this cat is. And honestly, sometimes it's a little creepy the way he sees me from across the street and comes running.

7. my institute class. Before this semester, I didn't know a lot about the Pearl of Great Price. Confession: I thought it was a part of the Doctrine and Covenants???? So imagine my surprise when on the first day, our teacher said, "You guys picked the shortest book of scripture! Only 60-something pages!" I was like "Wait, is the D&C really that short?" And then I opened my scriptures. Doy. But anyway, in case you were wondering, the Pearl of Great Price is all about God's love for His Children. Check it out.

8. that dumb face swap app on Snapchat. Certain people think it's horrible *cough* Houston *cough* but IT'S NOT. Anytime I make a new masterpiece I kinda cringe a little but then I laugh and then I cringe some more. Who thought of this? 

WHY HOW IS ANYTHING ON THAT PAPER A FACE.

honestly.

9. Speaking of Houston! Houston. If you're reading this, I'm grateful for you, too. Even your dad jokes. 

                                       

10. Bachelor Recaps. This one is golden, in case you're in the mood to craugh (no previous experience with the show is necessary)

11. THIS SALAD I MADE UP THE OTHER DAY. Can't stop won't stop eating it.

recipe here

12. Going on walks around Logan. Logan is chock full of old houses like this one:

13. I won a writing contest held by the school! Third place up against my fellow grad-mates, who I am so #blessed to be associated with. I just ended a sentence with a preposition. TAKE AWAY MY TITLE. HURRY, DO IT.

So glad my students do not know about this blog. Add that to the blessings list. 

WTT?! (what the Twinkie) It's almost 2016.

Hi hello it's me, back from the grave for one last post. Nope, not the grave. But it sounds cooler to say I came "from the grave." The only other time that can be accurate is if I show up in public before 7am. Then I am allowed to say "I just came from the grave." ALRIGHT ANYWAY.

We've heard enough about my emo year I think. At least, I have. But there were good things, too. And I'm going to list them for you here, in case your New Year's Eve hasn't officially started yet and you need something for your transparent corneas to stare at in the meantime (what, I just went to the eye doctor, sue me).

Best of 2015:

• Best TV show(s): The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Blacklist, Parks & Rec
• Best concerts: Ben Howard + Great Good Fine Ok
• Best movies: STAR WARS DUH, I can't think of any others right now but that feels right
• #1 screenshotted items: Poorly Drawn Lines comics, baby animals, weird textversations

We found this famous waterfall accidentally, and also, I almost peed my pants. I almost peed my pants many times this year. INSTALL MORE PUBLIC BATHROOMS ALREADY, AMERICA. (And Europe)

I still think about that concert. I didn't get spit on ONE TIME and that's never happened btw.

I moved. It was depressing at first, until October came. 

This is 4 Trent. (Also s/o to this map for getting us around Scotland, luh you bye)

The Highlands be windy. Why did I even bother fixing my hair. Oh wait I didn't. 

Can't even handle. 

LOOKIT.

I think about this breakfast a lot. And the chocolate milk.

I still don't know how to be in front of a camera.

Right before the gypsies tried to pickpocket me and I said "LOL I HAVE NO MONIES! I'M WEARING VANS WITH SOCKS, YOU ABSOLUTE PANCAKES!"

getting choked up just looking at this, sry.

So many good bun days in Europe, when it didn't matter cuz there was nobody to impress. 

After Euro timez, I wanted to explore Utah s'more cuz I knew there was beauty I was missing out on. I was right. 

Willow Lake, baby

Calories

Every summer I hike Timp and every summer I'm like "I don't wanna do this ever again" but then I do. WOULDN'T YOU, THOUGH.

That's stinging nettle. Whoops.

If you think Y Mountain is hard try going all the way up because actually don't do that.

Hey girl.

What the heck am I doing. BUT THE SUNSET.

I finally got to do a session here, with my bestest friend Liz.

Lots of people stared at my car (and subsequently, me) this year. At least I gave them a good show.

I finally saw this, and I think I'll call him Archie. That's very original.

This is Shmae, we met in July (hiking Timp) and have been inseparable since, except for when I moved. :(

This was a very bad day until Trent rescued me. I did like 50 headstands on that floor (not a good idea) while he fixed his truck. Trent, did you ever fix it? Just wondering. Hey look! Matching!

A pick of Nae on the day we met. It was a...great...day.

The best 20 dollars I spent all year.

The worst picture of me taken all year (Sorry Shae) (Yeah that's Shae). 

If two girls accidentally match and you don't take a pic, did it really happen YES IT DID ACTUALLY

Logan greeted me with this sunset so I wouldn't feel as sad. 

It looks super pretty but really that hill is not nice. Not nice at all. 

  

This is a picture of me on the day I taught a college course by myself for the first time don't I look ravishing don't answer that please

Here I am on the second day. Got way better. (Not)

This happened a lot of timez, gosh why/how is this blog post still going???

I BECAME FRIENDS WITH MADELINE YESSSS

I'M SORRY KYRIE PLZ DON'T KILL ME.

We were great good fine, ok?

Hairy. Harry. No! It's Trent!!

Hey Shae did you frame this yet?

I had insomnia which perfectly coincided with school. 

Let's go back to the Euro posts for a sec. 

In the summer I spent 95% of my time in the mountains and IT WAS WORTH IT yeah I'm still single but who cares (I do, sorta)

HEY REMEMBER WHEN I SAW BEN HOWARD IN THE FLESH AND HEARD HIM TALK AND HE PLAYED MUSIC AND I WAS LIKE 50 FEET AWAY FROM HIM

Colorado is nice I guess, but the roads are a hellscape.

I finished working at the Provo Temple, but I told them I would be back. And I will, goshdangit.

The Best Selfie of 2015, no doubt.

Best Sunset of 2015.

Best (Unsafe) Photobomb 2015.

Longest Distance Traveled 2015.

WOOF.

Ok, that was cool. Probably I am the only one who read this all the way through, but I. Don't. Care.