1.09.2018

Dr. Google is Free and STupid


I worry too much about healthcare billz (re: that headline I've seen a million times that says "Why Aren't Millennials _____ [insert very expensive life choice here]??).

So sometimes I put off going to the doctor...for...an unhealthy amount of time. In 2012, I had gallbladder attacks for a solid week until my mother forced me to go to the hospital where, when asked my pain scale from 1-10, I answered "12" with some drool running down my face.

NEAT NEAT NEAT

On Sunday night I noticed a weird dent on my forehead. And when I pushed down on it, there was definitely a groove. And when I released pressure, the skin bounced back. So of course I immediately checked myself in to the WebMd Waiting Room (also known as hell).

We know this. We know that the internet giving us medical advice provides the same amount of comfort that Hitler had in the Spring of 1945. We know, but we still click the search button.

I went to bed pretty sure I was dying. The next day I remembered I had smacked my head really hard on a shelf in our kitchen. Oh yeah.

I am not entirely convinced that the head-smacking was completely harmless. At work, I was typing the phrase "high impact" over and over, and it started to wear on my brain:


I might just leave it there.

1.04.2018

of candy wrappers and super moons

We drove up the canyon for a few miles. We probably didn't need our headlights, the moon was so bright. It turned the mountains an iridescent green. We talked about President Monson, who died the night before, and the burden about to be placed on Russell M. Nelson. But ya know, that guy has so much energy, you'd hardly know he was older.

You ate cold McDonald's fries. I scratched an itch on my leg, the same itch in the same spot that's always there, and there's no bump or rash to accompany it. So maybe I'm just imagining things.

And now, a photo essay of the candy wrapper trail I found in the living room that led from the candy jar to your feet. You said, "I think I was rage-eating them."

Sorry the lighting sucks cuz we live in a basement with hardly any natural light, and it's winter, and I don't have fancy camera equipment. I am not a true Utah blogger, so I guess I have to turn in my VASA membership and Roolee coat now. 

he was definitely rage eating, because otherwise those strawberry candies never would've gotten eaten

notice the other tell-tale signs of our living here: a ginger ale can, Kleenex, a conservative magazine, Smiths' rewards card, Micron pens, and a gadget Houston bought on the Oregon Coast

this blurry shot will probably be considered modern art someday

and last but not least, THE WALL. Much more ominous than the Berlin Wall, it stands in our living room, separating us from sophisticated 20-somethings whose parents bought them a brand new house with white walls and mid-century modern furniture.... and just ordinary newlyweds tryn'a make it through school and mediocre desk jobs.

I've been told to enjoy this time and for once I am doing what I'm told. It's nice to be ordinary. It's nice to not have all this brand new *stuff* to worry about. To just be. And if a drive up the canyon while eating cold fries is considered a date, it's one of the most memorable I've ever had.

1.03.2018

this walk made possible by wool socks


My journaling took a sad turn in 2017. Uh, and 2016. Before grad school, I was a very diligent record-keeper. Which is a little regrettable now since I wrote in painstaking detail about every little injustice life dealt to me (getting your period on Christmas is unfortunate, but not really apocalyptic, sorry for the tear stains on the pages, and no I'm not joking about those).

So in an attempt to resurrect my memories I am leaving my mark here. I am more motivated to write when I don't care who's reading. That's the freedom of not giving a CARP about what anyone thinks of you (except your mom, hi mom!).

The other day I was waiting for the bus after work when I decided to just walk home (wow, that sentence was a ride!). It was above 30 degrees and my phone's battery was fully charged, so.

By the end of the walk I was getting choked up at the beautiful sunset. I had realized once again how small and insignificant I am in this big universe, but how little that matters to a God that loves me.






i want the internet to stop



It's 2018, and almost everything I want for myself is the same. There's just one thing I want, but can't control.

I want the internet to stop.

I restarted (re-signed up? What is a good word for this?) a Twitter account because I was bored at my library job. I know that every good story has to have some element of tension or it won’t last, it won’t hold up. And nothing on the internet is inspiring me anymore because it's lost its tension for me, unless it’s old poems someone that’s already dead has written and left behind. Or old photographs. Things that are no longer with us. The present offerings are too weak to sustain me. Consuming time on the internet is the equivalent of Quaker Rice Cakes. I don’t care if you think the chocolate chip ones are good. They’re just rice bits puffed with air and a side of chocolate air.

Last time I had Twitter, it was 2015 and I was gettin' a little tired of every single tweet making fun of another person or their lifestyle, all for the sake of likes. Like, can you get a new hobby? Would you say that kind of crud to the person if they were standing in front of you? Probably not. The worst are people re-tweeting quotes about kindness and then in the next tweet they're posting a picture of a blogger they hate and commenting on how much they hate it and AH

RICE CAKES, I TELL YOU.

This is not to say that I'm any better at this than those I'm calling out. I've probably rolled my eyes at 75% of every Instagram/Facebook post that's come across my way, but it's starting to have an effect on me. And maybe it doesn't bother anyone else and THAT IS COOL good for you, but I have become familiar with that twisty snake feeling in my stomach that says "You could be doing something better with your life."

Because how you spend your time is how you spend your life.

And so I'm gonna write on this dang blog even if nobody reads it. I'm going to stop comparing myself to every silly post I see on the internet and I'm going to take more walks to remind myself that what internet strangers think of me is utterly pointless.





10.05.2017

maybe adele should've thought about texting instead





Why is that the title of this blog post?

Because the first thing I was going to type was hello. And then it started. Y'know, when your brain just snaps to attention like a dog watching a laser or a ball or...yeah, anyway, it's like that, but you have no clue how your brain could be that fast.

Do you ever smell a certain smell and then all of a sudden you're buried under an avalanche of emotions? Because that smell is actually the exact same smell of your kindergarten classroom? Yeah. Me neither.

So what I'm SAYING is, Adele, you should think about texting your past lovers instead of calling them, because it's awkward anyway to call someone who's married and tell them you're still in love with them. His family could be listening.

Wow, wut the heck is this post so far?

I was reading on one of those dumb internet forums where people (mostly women) complain about other bloggers and their "perfect" lives (*choking noises*). And somebody had posted that they REALLY hated how much this blogger loved her husband. She was like "Uh, yeEAH, my sister told me to never read a newlywed's blog--not until they've been married 5+ years and reality starts to set in."

Huh???????????????????

First of all, if you honestly have time to write on a forum about how much you hate someone else's relationship because it's affectionate, then...maybe you should get a relationship. Even if it's with yo'self. Like, get some love in yo life, girl! If THIS is what we're complaining about, then I think I'm going to just give up. I want the internet to stop.

Secondly, if you don't like reading someone's blog...DON'T READ IT OKAY GOODBYE I SOLVED YOUR PROBLEM.

Hmmm, what else can I rant about?!

How about the number of accidents I have had since working in the library.

Accident #1: I was wearing a sort-of-long skirt (past my knees? is that long? well, if you're 5'2 it is). And I was running up some stairs. And my skirt kinda...got caught underneath me. And I tripped on it while simultaneously yanking it down off my hips. And there was a guy standing there, doing the whole *reaching out arms helpelessly unsure if I should help SOS* gesture, and I just waved him away, like "Yes...you did see that...but no....do not help me...because then other people will look down and see me laying here in my garments."

COOL.

Accident #2: I was filling up my water bottle at the "water bottle filling station." It's like a fancy spout attached to the drinking fountain so you don't have to tilt your water bottle, basically. Anywho, I was using it, and a line started to form behind me, so I started to feel stressed, and did not put the cap back on my bottle as I turned away from the fountain. And guess what, there's a wall next to the fountain, and I ran straight into it, splooshing water up into my face and hair. Again, I waved at everyone as if on parade and ran to a class I was teaching...hair still dripping.

I shall now end this blog post with a list, and then I'll have run the gamut of all the different types of things I blog about (all three things: ranting, embarrassing moments, and lists).

things I have realized recently:
  1. It's okay to love fall, but not okay to talk about loving fall (on the internet), because then you are unoriginal. However, talk about any other season and people won't bat an eye. Another example of the internet ruining things that are perfectly a-okay fine. GO AHEAD, LOVE THINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
  2. I really like watching videos of people eating hot wings/spicy peppers. Preferably in some kind of contest. Why do I like this? 
  3. I think Instagram has killed blogging. You know, the normal kind of blogging that used to be popular before we replaced it with "long captions." Not fashion blogging or sponsored posts, but REAL stuff. I miss that. I'm going to try and write more even if nobody reads it but me.
  4. Part of growing old is having weird chin hairs. That's right, chin hairs. I use a little razor to get them off (get this, the razors are called "Tinkle Razors"), and I've decided if this is all that getting old entails, I can handle it. I can adapt. I can buy Tinkle Razors. 
  5. I am going to have a runny nose for the next 8 months. 
  6. God gave me Houston because his body temperature is 20 degrees more than mine, therefore he is a human heater. It's those little things.

whatta guy

8.08.2017

In Defense of Boring Normalcy





You may have noticed my lack of presence on social media as of late.  Or maybe you didn’t, but it doesn’t matter. The point of leaving was not to make people “miss me,” although I know some people do that now as a way to get some kind of weird validation/attention.



No, I was just sick of it all. Almost everything I saw on social media (especially Instagram, but Twitter and Facebook and Snapchat, too) was fake.


Today I signed a sympathy card for a co-worker who lost a parent suddenly. I opened the card and my pen hovered over it for half a minute or so, because what do you say? What can you say that doesn’t sound completely insincere, even though you’re trying to be genuine? The truth is, you can’t. Not really. But acknowledging this and accepting it is better than pretending uncomfortable and awkward and painful things don’t happen at all, and happen to everyone. That’s what I kept seeing on the internet.


Woman’s husband goes missing with no plausible explanation. Internet forums spread like poison, saying truly awful things about this woman and her family. Do they know her? Doesn’t matter. On the internet, humanity seems to be a lesser priority than looking/being a certain way for others (also strangers).


Blogger posts a picture of her kid on a bike without a helmet, in the driveway. Again, people say gross, nasty things to her, condemning her parenting. I’m betting none of them are perfect parents.


The most popular pictures are mostly staged, showing a girl’s “good angles” or her husband’s perfect sleeping face, or an untouched meal. When people talked about being depressed or anxious because of this pressure to be perfect, most every one of their followers reached out saying “me too.” I began to wonder. Social media was starting to be confusing. Like yogurt.


Yogurt has probiotics and it’s generally good for you. But buy the wrong brand and you’ll be eating mostly sugar. But whatever, it’s all yogurt, right? This is a bad metaphor but I’m sticking with it.


After I deactivated my Instagram, I immediately noticed how much time I had in a day. I used to lament in my prayers every night-- “Heavenly Father, please help me have more time to get things done.” Help me have more time. Ha! What a goofy prayer. I hope God knows what I meant when I said that prayer, but uh, we can’t have more time than we’ve got. It’s already been allotted to us. Anyway, I realized this face-smacking obvious fact when I got rid of the biggest distraction of all: other people living their lives. Or taking pictures of their lives. See? Confusing. Yogurt.

I also stopped taking pictures of everything. This might be a negative, but okay...I’m just going to say it...not everything in my life requires a picture for me to remember it. And maybe I didn’t want to remember the day I did laundry all day and killed a giant spider in the hallway for the umpteenth time (mostly I just don’t want to remember we have spiders in our basement). Maybe a normal day is just that--normal! And kinda boring. But who cares? Most days are like that.


Even though I wasn’t taking pictures, I was noticing things more. I had never seen the giant sunflower patch near our house until yesterday. I’m slightly embarrassed to admit this, but I know it can happen to all of us.


I was tired--literally brain-fried--from coming up with a caption for everything. I didn’t see the point of sharing what came in my Amazon packages (Cetaphil lotion and a windshield protector--sexy, I know). You know those “unboxing” videos that are becoming popular now? They just made me feel like I had to buy all the things! And I didn’t. I don’t. I have plenty.


That was the other thing I began to notice--how grateful I am. I don’t need a single thing! Once you need less, you have more. I have health insurance. I have boring five dollar lotion when my elbows get dry. Most days I don’t wear makeup, which is a sweaty burden in the summertime. I haven’t painted my nails in three months. My husband is a really nice guy, who makes me laugh every day. I have a good relationship with my parents. I work in a library and have access to so many BOOKS! (that’s another thing I’ve been doing more of...reading). I get to ride my bike to work, which feels nice. All my organs work relatively well. I have Spotify. And even when something goes wrong and I want to cry (and usually do), the next day, the sun inevitably comes back up... and burns my neck on the way to work.


In short, I’m alive. Most days are not glamorous by any stretch. But I’m trying to love them all. I’m grateful God gave me this time. And even if I’m never a gazillionaire with a huge wardrobe and a year-long travel log and a six pack, I will still feel like I didn’t deserve any of it. When I’m not worrying about what everyone else thinks of me or my life, it leaves more room for serving and loving them, and myself.
Good ol’ King Benjamin tell us how:


And again I say unto you as I have said before, that as ye have come to the knowledge of the glory of God, or if ye have known of his goodness and have tasted of his love, and have received a remission of your sins, which causeth such exceedingly great joy in your souls, even so I would that ye should remember, and always retain in remembrance, the greatness of God, and your own nothingness, and his goodness and long-suffering towards you, unworthy creatures, and humble yourselves even in the depths of humility, calling on the name of the Lord daily, and standing steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come, which was spoken by the mouth of the angel.


And behold, I say unto you that if ye do this ye shall always rejoice, and be filled with the love of God, and always retain a remission of your sins; and ye shall grow in the knowledge of the glory of him that created you, or in the knowledge of that which is just and true.”
Mosiah 4:11-12 (I would recommend reading verses 13-30 too)

6.12.2017

me: "I just want attention right now." houston: "then please write a blog post about me."

This is the first post I have written since being marriaged. Houston is rubbing my feet while I write another blog post of our conversations (he likes to think these posts are all about him, but he wouldn't have anyone to impress with his wit if it weren't for me). 

H: "And on the couch you will find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes." 


H: "Did u know I've proposed to so many girls they call me the Lord of the Rings?"

Houston: "I was the fastest guy in my high school....{long pause}... at fifteen puzzle."



From Jaws: "all they do is swim, eat, and make little sharks."
Houst: "that's all I wanna do!

*at DI*
"Should we set the lampshades on fire and play Modest Mouse?"
"I have crinkle chips"
Me: "I want ironed chips..from the ironed curtain."

M: "I need some gloves."
H: "I have some Michael Jackson gave me. They're all for the left hand though."

H: "If I walked up to you and said 'hey soul sister I'm your mister mister' what would be your response?"
M: "I would punch you ."
H: "Right response." 

H: "I could've picked the princess in the guarded tower, but..instead I picked the one who was always asleep. "

(When watching Skyfall)
H: "You know how the bad guy had fake teeth? Do you think he called them Judy Denchers?" 
cute

H: "When we get married, what are you gonna do at night when you realize I'm a vigilante? 
You'll turn to me and say "oh baby come closer" but I'll be gone. And so will the curtains cuz I'll be wearing them."

*At the Thai restaurant they were out of wontons*
Houston: "It's probably because they closed Wontonomo Bay."

*staring at the rock face in Zion*
H: "How much do you think it would cost to get my face chiseled on that rock?" 

*arguing about plot holes in About Time and him saying Pokémon is better "There's no plot holes in Pokémon!!"

"One day I'll have a boat just for ferrying fishermen. I'm going to name it Carrie Fisher." 

"My phone is like TGI Fridays....endless apps."

*at Best Buy*
Do you remember the guy who helped you?
Uhhh he had a blue polo on.

*on our way to Greek food* H: "I'm the Greekiest Greek Greek Freak."

"Oh I think I'm gonna need frozen yogurt to get through this."
*going into wal mart*
"You're just like Survivorman...but instead of a Swiss Army knife your thing has plastic spoons."

moi: "Oh honey..."
H: "Uh, please call me by my Christian name."

Me: "To every season turn turn turn.... "
H: "To every butter churn churn churn"

H: (no context) "When are we gonna get our next Justin Bieber? First we had Aaron McCarter, then Bieber...but now...we are in an apostasy until God chooses another Bieber." 

*watching LOTR and somebody said Mordor*
H: "Lowe's has more doors."

M, regarding littering: "The world is not your trash can!"
H: "But the trash can is my world."