things houston says, part II

Since this made Houston a veritable star last time, I figured I'd do him a solid again, since I made him rub my feet and legs the other night without shaving beforehand. I'm sorry.

H: "They should make a Bourne movie about Jason Bourne getting baptized and call it Jason Born Again."

H: "These road closures are really prickling my pears..."

Seeing the Guava Goddess flavor of kombucha:

"Ooh I want that one, that was my nickname in high school."

*trying to understand why the stop sign in front of the elementary school was flashing at 12am*

"Ummm well there's no flashing at schools so I don't know why they'd have that there."

H: You are so full of condensation right now (trying to say condescension)

Talking about The Mystery Spot in Santa Cruz, CA:

M: "Hey we can get a free bumper sticker!"

H: "Yes! I want it! Then I'll put it on my butt...the mystery spot."

H, about his little brother: "He only weighs like 80 pounds...can't even go on a zip line yet."

H (monologuing): "Cache Valley? No cash valley....more like Student Loan Valley."

(in San Francisco): "Ah, parking garages. Designed by the finest architects in the world."

*imagining the life of a fundamentalist*

"Yeah our family had so many Bump-Its." 

When he was tired/it was late at night: "ugh, I really want a crouton."

*at an art gallery*

H: You know these are scratch n sniff, right?

M: Hey that one is cool

H: You know what would make it cooler? If I was eating a corn dog while I was looking at it."

At the end of That Thing You Do:

"Wink! Wink so the movie will be over!!!"

(I think I was wearing a cardigan...)
H: "Now you can look like one of those hot librarians that has to use a step stool to get books..."

M: "Uhh is it the step stool that makes a librarian hot?"

H: "No, it's just a good angle."
M: ....................................................................

As we were going into a craft store...

H (seriously): "Don't let me buy anything else in here."

*impulse buys soap*
(lest you think I am joking, Houston once told me he never impulse buys anything, except for hand soap, and this is true)

*he was teaching me about welding late at night*

(I gently patted his shoulder and said:)

"You should become a teacher. And I...will become a narcoleptic."

*I was taking forever to get out of his car and holding the door handle*

H: "I think it's just a pull, then push."

*points to bread bag which says "Premium White" on it*

H: "You can put that on me."
M: "Gross."

*in Spanish*

H: "I said "let's light a candle (candela) and invite Nelson Mandela."
M: "k"

H: "If you were a Macy's mannequin I'd window shop you."

H: "During my farewell talk, I called Allie a baller and she cried. Wept. Wept and wept."

H: "What's the difference between your face and the sunset? I can see your face at all times of the day!" 

M: "Whoa that was corny"

H: (sheepishly) "I know... I put the corn on my own cob."

H: "See this face?!"
*long pause*

"I was born with it."

*talking about how we want the Harry Potter movies remade*

H: "That's all I've ever wanted. I also want the church to hire Wes Anderson to make all their movies."

*wearing a skull shirt*

M: "Uhh what is that?"

H: "This is my post-temple attire."
M: ........
H: "It's Nike!"

And, as per tradition, screenshots of our conversations from the last 2 weeks:

No acknowledgement of my dad joke whatsoever. At least he's attentive to my yogurt needs.

I had a headache, and someone in Sunday School mentioned Vietnam Vets. We shouldn't sit by each other anymore. 

Just out of the blue one day, I got this message....

math majors, lolzzzzz

One of my fave things Houston does is show me a math equation he's worked on and then he asks, "Does this look right to you?" 

HA. No. It will never look right to me. Good DAY, sir!

ruhl quick before I go teach class

FALL IS HERE IN CASE YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW

IT'S DECORATIVE GOURD SEASON NOW

The other day Houston said, "If you were a Macy's mannequin I'd window shop you."

So.

I'm compartmentalizing everything these days because I've managed to put myself in a real tight spot this semester, but I gotta graduate, people! And I wanted to make my last semester the easiest it could be, and now I'll only have to take one class in the spring. Just gotta get through the next 3 months without face-planting on my desk, stacked with un-graded papers.

I'll come back later. Right now I need to go teach my students how to not be easily offended by stuff they don't like. 

things I write when I'm putting off finalizing a syllabus

thanks to you,

I now have much better taste in movies. Before we met, I was a self-proclaimed "movie snob" (oof) because I watched movies that were black and white and enjoyed them. Now I know a movie doesn't have to be old, made by Disney, or have a happy ending to be "good."

I know way more about current events and politics. The only thing I ever learned from politics before was from scrolling through Facebook in agony.

I appreciate dad humor (this pains me to say, but pain is a sign of growth, I think #deep).

I am better at asking for things that I need, because nobody is telepathic, even though I sometimes act like they are.

I have a rediscovered love of very bad Mexican food (Beto's, why? Why must you entrap me once again?).

I see a lot of things differently.

When you've been seeing things pretty much one way (your way) for your whole life, it's crazy refreshing to see everything through a different lens.

ur the Bill Murray to my Scarlett J. 

ur in(e) my heart

Who wants to hear an epic tale of total and utter shame? YEAH, ME TOO! Oh, wait, but this is about me. Keep it straight, McKenzie, keep it straight.

I was listening to a podcast the other day and it was about an embarrassing moment this girl had, which was quite similar to a few moments in my own life all revolving around the teetering strength of my bladder. Basically, "teetering strength" means weakness, but it's like reverse psychology because I used the word "strength" to tell you my bladder was weak. There's gotta be a fancy word for what I just did. ........lying?

Liz and I were walking home from school and speaking to each other in an alien language we had made up. Btw, this was in 8th grade. So we're walking and it's probably about 2 miles from the school to our houses (we lived next door to each other like all American Girl doll protégés do). I had ingested a very large amount of water in seventh period, like I always did because I was trying to get away from Jacob Young who was constantly kneeling by my desk and proposing to me. It's not easy being a dead ringer for Felicity (1774). Observe:

What? I'm sure that's what Jacob saw in me. Otherwise, what in the he*k do you think he was doing kneeling by my desk and asking me to quote "bear his children" close quote!!!!??????? Yeah me neither. So anyways, I was constantly leaving math class to "get a drink" cuz it was the only way Mr. Malcolm would let me leave and get away from Jake (of course his name was Jake, of COURSE it was, I couldn't make this crud up if I tried).

And because I am a compulsive water-drinker in awkward situations, but also, unfortunately, irrationally afraid of public bathrooms (except later this irrational fear would become more rational when I took a job cleaning bathrooms at BYU-Idaho, and I don't want to remember all the hair I saw but it was more than whatever's left after the filming of every Hobbit film). ANYHOW, are you getting this? I drank too much water but I also refused to use the bathroom 'til I got home, which was a 2-mile walk, which would be doable except that I was talking with my best friend in an alien language, which had the effect of constricting my bladder even more because I was losing it.

Fig. 1 (Equation 1)
10 gal water - 1 trip to the bathroom =

We were about halfway to our house, in front of the Wilson's (our usual target for TP-ing), when I felt my legs give out a little. That's called k-a-r-m-a, kids. When your legs give out anytime, it's a bad situation. Walking up Old Main Hill on an icy winter day? Standing in front of the entire kindergarten class and a wave of nervousness washes over you? A gigantic ball that's absolutely coming straight for you and you know there's no way you're gonna catch it because you're SEVEN years old but your gym teacher says it's "fun"? Legs give out? Bad. Bladder full? Legs are the only things holding it in?

is NOTHING easy?!!! 

This egg here represents what my bladder was doing.

It was like, this weird journey. First I was all relieved cuz you know it feels good to finally stop holding it in (a metaphor for holding in ur feelings, probably, but I can't go into that right now I'm too busy embarrassing myself), but then this shockwave of shock hit me and I was like "oh shoot sound the alarm," but the words sorta came out like a sneeze like when you're trying not to move very much so as not to blow up.

me: uffds

liz: haha yeah what does that mean? (remember she still thinks we're speaking in tongues)

me: ballder?

liz: what

me: peeeeeeeeeee

liz: *starts reciting her alien alphabet starting with the letter Q*

We walked a little further. Got past our piano teacher's house at which point I was pretty much doing a convoluted version of the "jerk" 

This is when it gets juicy. Wrong word choice, but you know. I can't really care anymore at this point. Liz walked away because she absolutely knew what was going on and didn't want to be a part of it (totally understand now), and I sat down on the sidewalk and just let it happen. By the way, it wasn't raining, which is weird because this was in Oregon, where it rains 80% of the time, so I didn't have a good cover. I just kinda sat on the sidewalk like, "Yeah...just sitting. I love sitting! I was so tired from walking that two miles and since I'm two houses from my house I am going to sit now and just....gosh I love sitting." *Liz slowly backs away*

This would've been a humiliating enough end, but then my mom came around the corner all cheery faced and skipping, coming to fetch the mail, and we had one of those community mailboxes which just so happened to be past where I was sitting.

mom: what are you doing sitting on the sidewalk

me: what? what sidewalk?

mom: uh you sitting in a puddle? (this wasn't a question, but my mother is graceful, so it sounded like one)

me: are you getting the mail? 

mom: yes...? 

me: okay heheh cool well let me know if I get anything *would be literally impossible for me to have mail because I'm an 8th grader, but a girl can dream*

mom: where's Liz?

me: she went home, but I wanted to take a break...from walking (my mom, by now, must know that my physical endurance is totally shot in every way)

mom: are you feeling sick?

me, willing the sun to heat up suddenly and zap the ever-spreading puddle around me: huh?

mom: kay....

me: ...........

mom: ........................

Gee, I thought this would be cathartic but it actually wasn't.

*therapy*

"even in hell I'd be the center of attention."-Houston

this is my life now

As you all well know by now, I like to record the ridiculous/awful things people say without them realizing it and then publish it later on this blog! I think that's called something else in the real world...like...libel...or something?? Heheh anyways who cares about the law, right? *something about freedom of speech*

*Me, trying to get something off his shirt where his biceps are*
H: "yeah, they real"
(should be noted that we weren't dating at this point) 

H: "That was your first mistake...most girls wouldn't be around me without a knife."
(I have no context for this now so it sounds realllyyyyyy bad)

*coming to a realization about the importance of fashion*:
"Wait...your shoes do matter."

We were watching 2001: A Space Odyssey (weirdest movie ever) when this scene came on: (basically, a bunch of gorillas gather around a big piece of space cement which falls from the sky and subsequently lose their minds)

Houston's reaction:"It's just like when a girl walks into elders quorum in the singles ward!"

H: "They should make a separate hymnbook for girls called 'Hers.'"

"If a horse speaks in code is it called morse?"

"I'm so strong that I can not work out for years and I'll still be stronger than you."
*sarcasm*

Being dead serious and straight-faced:
H: "You're... a home breaker."
me: "Do you mean homewrecker?????"

M: "There's something in your eye.."

H: "It's not my glimmer?"

M: "Your eyeballs match your face right now!" (Bloodshot eyes, sunburned skin)

H: "You mean they're both pretty?"

(we don't actually talk about his eyes as much as this post would insinuate)

H: "I thought about you all day today except for when I was eating cuz then I was thinking about food."

H, trying to find the cemetery: "Where are the dead people?" 

H (no context because there is none): "I had a really good ham today. It was really tender. And fatty. That's how you know a ham is good."

Me: 😐

Helping me walk over ice: "I used to escort this old lady to church. This reminds me of that. Also you're about the same height as her." 

H: "Do you think Larry King was sponsored by  light bright?"

H: "You put a lot of lettuce in your omelette."

M: "That's not lettuce that's kale."

H: "Oh. I've never seen kale before."

😂😂😭

H, reminiscing on heroic summers of his youth: "We all life guarded together and it was really nice because we never had to save anyone." 

Me trying to write something in his mom's Mother's Day card: "What should I say?"

Houston: say, "It's a good thing you're not my mom because then I couldn't date your son!"
Me: "No"

*Me, talking about a podcast regarding Richard Nixon*
H: "I don't think it's entertaining to watch Republican presidents humiliating themselves."
HAHAHA this is even funnier now than when he first said it 

*sees risqué album cover*

His mom: yeah, that one's called A Star is Born

Houst: SOMEthing is about to be born!
(I am not going to put the album cover on here)

Me, quizzing Houst on previously learned veg knowledge: "Say, what's this vegetable?"

H: "It's kelp..."

Me: "No, kale."

H: "Well, kale comes from the ocean too...?"

H, impersonating me being a klutzbomb:
"I'm McKenzie and all my problems are self inflicted."

H, driving to St. George in the middle of the night:
"Everyone should drive in the right lane except for me."
me: *is immediately comforted*
(not)

*Me, citing the gross verse in the Celine Dion song that says "there were nights of endless pleasure" as the reason I wasn't allowed to listen to the song as kid"

Houst: "What! Well, they probably just started a Monopoly game at 9 and it went all night!"

H: "I put the man in mayonnaise."

M: "Please don't ever say that again." 

Me *reading a sign* "Under new ownership...that's a good band name."

Houston: "Or a good relationship status on Facebook."

Me: "Only if you're the guy."

Houston: "Do you think if pigs knew how good they tasted they would eat each other?"

Shae: "What's a black currant?"

Houston: "It's a steady flow of black culture."
btw, THIS is a black currant:

His mom, asking about cheese curds, not Kurds: "Did you get your curds?"

Houst: "Yes, and some Shiites." (OOF)

Houst: "I'm going to make a gang called the Doppel Gang. You can only join it if you look like me."

H: "You need to lower your bar"

Me: "I only set the bar low for limbo"

H: "You wouldn't even have to bend backwards, just walk under it."

Me (complaining about something lame probably) "...ooookay fine, I'll stop talking. Forever."

Houst: "Aw, you'd do that for me??"

Me: "Hey you have a hole in your shirt...uhh right over the nipple."

Houston: "Yeah, easy access point." 

Me: ??????
H: ????????????????????????? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

While watching The Sixth Sense:

"He [Haley Joel Osment] just needs Pokemon Go, but for dead people! Gotta catch em all!"

an autocorrect accident is just an opportunity for some people*

*Houston

and my facial reaction to almost all of these is:

what a weirdo

friday thought

Passion has little to do with euphoria and everything to do with patience. It is not about feeling good. It is about endurance. Like patience, passion comes from the same Latin root: pati. It does not mean to flow with exuberance. It means to suffer.

— Mark Z. Danielewski, House of Leaves

a bunch of things I have an opinion on which nobody should read into

that makes me l-e-g-i-t

(so does spelling words out for emphasis)

This post exists because I'm procrastinating writing up ALL of my lesson plans for the fall semester, which are due in 24 hours, L-O-L. The only thing Twitter did for me was make me start saying "lol" non-ironically. I say that like it's a good thing and it is not.

I worry about blogs.

Blogs are just...eh.

I think that some people (myself included) spend too much time reading about other people's lives and not enough time living their own. I think they analyze the details of someone's life down to what carpet is in their living room and what paint is on their walls and WHICH MASCARA THEY USE because heaven forbid they have their own opinions on things. You know?

Is this what we've become? People who try to live vicariously through others? No way, man. That's lame.

And now, as if to prove my own point, I am going to make a list of popular things I have an opinion on, which you shouldn't take into account that much because they're all silly things, really, and I wholeheartedly believe the saying that you should "take other people's opinions lightly--VERY lightly." Next time you see an FB status that gets your goat, take a deep breath and walk away because I bet you commenting/not commenting probably won't change that person's mind. After all...they're posting it on Facebook.

THINGS I DON'T GET (BUT ALSO DON'T H8 ON):

• Pokemon Go. If I was a person that played games at all, I'd probably play this. I think it's especially great for people who have a hard time leaving their house because of mental illness. Like REALLY. You're not cool for hating this. The other night me and Houst were walking up on campus and passed a crowd of Pokemoners (is that the right noun???) and he was trying to explain the game to me to the best of his ability but he, like, lowered his voice to a whisper and said "I don't wanna say anything wrong and get called out..." HAHA. What have we become.
• The Bachelorette. It's the worst. Show. But. It's entertaining and they know how to entertain, dangit. It's all a scam, I know. It's not a template for healthy relationships, I know. It's gross that she makes out with multiple guys at the same time, I knOW. But could people be writing these kinds of recaps from a show like Law & Order? No. As for me and my house, I just read the recaps because I don't have time to watch 3 hours of grape-crushing-v-neck-wearing-protein-bar-eating madness. 

THINGS I DON'T GET AND KIND OF H8 ON A LITTLE

• Most of what's happening in the election...I'm so tired of reading about this. I actually might hate on this a little. This=the constant coverage of everything ridiculous the Trumps are doing. Does anybody know about his policies or are we focusing on lit'rally everything else he says/does? GAH. 
• Anything to do with the Kardashians + Taylor Swift. NO. Please tell me we are not picking "sides" between celebrities because of a silly feud that has nothing to do with anything important. EEEEEEEE. 
• Bloggers tryn'a validate reasons why they aren't completely active...I think this is a very personal thing and you shouldn't really talk about it on yo blog. Keep it between you and whomever you worship. I think it's damaging to other people who might be struggling and you offering up your opinion on your "personal journey to freeing yourself from the church" is makin me crazy. I KNOW THIS SHOULDN'T BOTHER ME and I should turn the other cheek and I'm just gonna say it this one time and then never again.

THINGS I HAPPEN TO LIKE THAT SOME PEOPLE TRY TO USE  TO MAKE THEM SOUND COOLER/SMARTER

• going to concerts
• liking music that's not on the radio
• drinking Kombucha (HAHahHAHAHAHAHA)
• pronouncing "kombucha" correctly
• reading the news

You aren't better than anybody because you do or don't participate in most of the things I just listed. That's the point!

Listen. I have an idea! Let us not worry so dang much about what other people like/don't like, unless it's some form of extremism or illegal activity and instead worry about things we could improve on. "We" meaning our own selves. I think the advent of social media has ruined some people's identities. And ya know who likes to make us forget about our identities? YEAH.

/end rant

(another thing to add to that list up there: ending things with a cool slashy thing and "end rant")

DON'T TAKE THIS POST TOO SERIOUSLY CUZ I SURE WON'T