all I wanna do is [*gunshot* *gunshot* *cash register noise*] take a nap for six hours

Having a messed-up liver is pretty lame. I mean, it's right up there with all the most delicious foods making you gain weight and having to pay lots of money for the coolest things (except for temporary tattoos. Temporary tattoos are only 25 cents! #staypositive). Like, what kind of world is this? Anyway. Liver problemz=me needing to sleep all the time. Like you've never heard that one. 

Just a random but true thought: I never feel like I'm more at the height of my English skills than when I type "fjsklafjsa;fdjl;sa" in a text message to express deep feelings about something. 

how to properly text someone you like: (by me)

you: hey you remind me of pizza.

crush: how so?

person: I love pizza.

BOOM.

And now, the  "McKenzie-Is-The-Most-Awkward-Human" portion of our show:

The first time someone asked me about Tinder was a year ago. I thought she was talking about kindling. I was like "do I have tinder? For what? Are you starting a fire? Can I come?"

I'm not an arsonist. Just for the record. I'm just always cold. 

So, Tinder. 2 weeks ago I was completely against the idea. Then my friend Kenzie (not the friend in the mirror, c'mon you guys, I know I'm crazy but not that much) was like "Yo I have a tinder, it's way funny and sort of a confidence boost."

So says I, "Okay, I shall download it." And I did. And it was...the...most...hilarious thing I have ever experienced. And it probably ruined online dating for me forever. As in, it made me think I was shallow. More shallow than a kiddie pool. 

The concept is thus:

You write a 500-word bio. Most people don't write the 500 words because a) they don't know what to write to "hook" people [don't make it gross] and b) they think simply writing their height and where they go to school is sufficient information to snag a date. 

Then you add up to 5 pikshas of yourself, preferably mirror selfies if you're keeping up with the times, and hope that people start swipin' right. Basically, Tinder finds people in the area that match your age criteria (that's it, just age. I KNOW RIGHT?! It's wrong. It's so wrong. And yet it's right. I guess. Wait. I don't have evidence to back that up so I take it back.). And you just swipe through the options, all day long. Left=not interested. Right=interested.

But hold on a minute. "Interested" in what exactly? What do you know about this person? You know they are somewhat attractive based on the (hopefully) current pictures of themselves they have posted. And you know their height. And you know they all have a niece or two. I'm just saying, this is the pattern with the men of Tinder. Lit'rally almost every guy has this information on his profile. And 95% of them have a shirtless picture. And that's basically it.

The guys I swiped right for had something different about them. And that "something" was the (*angel chorus singing*) BIIIIIIiiiiiiOooooooooooooOOOOO.

Translation: the bio. 

Words. Words are my jam and my jelly. 

These go in the hall of fame. Or shame. I'll let you decide which ones I swiped right for. 

And then, something weird happened. Boys started to talk to me. And all of them had something to say about my bio...er...except for the first one. And that, my friends, is the power of some good writing skillz. Sha-bam. I'm not even embarassed that 50% of my "about me" was about food. Not even a little bit. Because look where it got me.

Don't worry. I saved the gif he sent me. Because it was pure gold. 

In the end, this was a super great social experiment. I learned that my English degree is super helpful in...picking up guys. Who knew??? 

Yesterday I deleted my account, so the fun is over. Until ne(ver)xt time! 

okay...one more. this was somebody's profile pic. whoever writes the best caption for this picture gets a jillion dollars and/or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, made by me (the sandwich, not the jillion dollars. I'm definitely not gonna be the one making that).

p.s. this post is not meant to criticize anybody who uses Tinder. 
It's gr8. But...just not for moi. /end scene