I know it's summer now but there's no thigh gap pics in this post, sorry

Twenty One Pilots was suhhhh great

I gave Trent my phone so he could take proper photos. Because he's tall. And he just took like fifty groupies. #Trenterz.

Kevin, the leader of our ward biker gang. I heart him. And his face. In this picture. Just look. 

Here I am inside Kevin's bus that he drives for a living.

NO JOKE.

Still not kidding! It was so great! And we had just ridden our bikes so we had them in there as well. Which I thought was pretty sweet. 

Horsies.

The lighting was awesome. Then I had to run 4 more miles. Ick.

But the LIGHTING, you guyz.

^^I didn't want to/have time to blog about errythang you've missed so here's some pitchers.

***

STORY TIME!

My new favorite hobby is googling people's mispronunciations of Benedict Cumberbatch's name. Best ones so far: "Benadryl Cumberbath, Bandersnatch Cummerbund, and Nutterbutter Humperdink." Nobody even tries anymore.

Yesterday I had theeeeeeeeeee most awkward experience of life. But if you are a woman, it just comes with the territory. Yeah, I'm talking about the blessed OB/GYN appointment. When I got into the exam room, the nurse was like "Ok, here's the giant t-shirt thing and then this sheet which you drape over yourself." Thank you. For the sheet. Because that makes me feel super covered up.

-__-

So I get the "Are you dating anybody?" question a lot. At least once a week. I should just start wearing a sign that says "No, to answer your question." Because that would save me a lot of time. And also save me from getting asked a lot of unnecessary questions in life. Except I want the back of the shirt to say "Yes, I want the guacamole and I know it costs extra." That invention will put $$ in the bank, yo. That and my Sarcastic Tombstones business, which I'm going to start up pretty soon.

But this week, when I got asked the inevitable, it just so happened to be coming from my doctor, while she was examining me. I mean. Could there have been a worse time to get asked that dang question? No. No there could not have been.

/end scene

Last weekend I was in a wedding. It was an all-day thang, as weddings usually are, but also because I was a bridesmaid and my parentals were helping with the photography (mostly mama), and I got some really good outtakes. I don't think I'm gonna be able to handle getting married. I only say that because I can't take serious pictures for the life of me. Observe.

Before this wedding went down, we had a bachelorette party. Nat'rally. The bridesmaids+the bride hit up Zermatt Resort in Midway, UT.

This resort has a pretty sweet indoor/outdoor pool, and 2 hot tubs. When we got there, both were full of persons. About twenty of them. Persons who were between the ages of 17-20. We got in anyway. I should probably mention that I forgot my swimsuit and therefore was wearing a flannel shirt and cut-off jeans (do I sound like I'm from the cast of Portlandia yet..). I sat on the little cement divider that separated the pool and the hot tub. This divider was probably 6 inches wide. Just for your info, my hinder isn't 6 inches wide. It's wider. Ya feel me? Sorry, wrong time to use that question.

So here I am, teetering on this lil cement divider with my feet dangling over the hot tub, and talking to my amigas, and also eavesdropping on the 20 girls who were crammed in there with us, because they were telling their first kiss stories and how could I not?!

"My first kiss...was...on New Year's Eve. Last year." *eye roll* Only she pronounced "year" like "yar."
[giggling noises]

Well, after about 10 minutes of making my feet pruny, another group of 20-somethings came outside to ask for valuable real estate in the hot tub. These were male 20-somethings, and quite ripped, I should add. I could've washed my clothes on this one dude's abs. You know? Okay. I'm done. With those jokes. (disclaimer: I have a mild concussion whilst writing this so I probably shouldn't be writing this. /end nonsense transmission).

Boys: "Hey uhh...can we get in there with you guys?"
my face:

other girls: ummm yaaaaaaaa
our group: (all about the eyebrows)
my thought process: do you have pizza? would that I had actually said that! Oof.

Their question was rhetorical, because as they asked it, they were slowly ripping off their clothing until it was just Billabong and Volcom shorts up in here. Too much? I told you, I'm concussed.

Because this hot tub was really small, I had to scooch over even more to make room for them, and I mean, if any of them had laid a finger to me, I would've fallen backwards into the swimming pool. I almost wish that would've happened. Would have been a great escape hatch out of the awkward situation we were about to get ourselves into. ALmost as good as a seesaw.

Well, then the painful awkwardness that is my life commenced.

Washboard Abs Boy: So what are you guys doing here? Are you guys all in a group together? *motions towards every female in the hot tub*
Elise: Um, no, no, we're here for a bachelorette party.
Leader girl in other group, I'm going to call her Black Swimsuit: We're cousins. Family reunion.
WAB: Oh I see. So do you guys go to school orrrrrr.
Elise: Yeah I go to BYU.
Hill: Utah State.
Shan: Graduated.
Me: Graaaaduated (I drew out the "a" so they would know I'd been graduated for a long time and therefore was off-limits because #old)
WAB: Wait, Bachelorette Party?! Congrats! Who's the bride?
Hill: Me.
Every guy in the hot tub: Oh my gosh congrats!
WAB: Well we're just here for guy time.
All girls in hot tub: ......
Random dude sitting right by my leg: Would you totally hate me if I asked you to scoot over more?
Me: Uhh no. No! I don't hate you! What? (I should mention that I also had a yucky cold during this experience and therefore had Zooey Deschanel manly voice, and I'm sure that just added to my allure. Not to mention that my bum was completely soaked from sitting on the divider. If you looked up "hot mess" in the dictionary you'd see my picture there.)
Random dude by my leg, after he flirtatiously smirked at me: Thanks. Sorry. I know you hate me now.

*pause. Is saying "you hate me" supposed to be some way of playing hard-to-get? Or what? WHAT IS IT. Please explain, all my male readers. K thank you and bye.*

Since I couldn't tell if he was flirting or what, I just nodded and said "Heh..heh heh nope don't hate you." And tried to make my raspy voice sound more alluring. Spoiler alert: I failed. Because me and that boy aren't dating or anything now. I don't even have his digits in my phone. Sigh.

WAB (clearly the leader): So you guys know this resort, right?
Elise: Yeah my family has the condo we're staying in.
WAB: So you know what fun things there are to do around here?
Elise: Umm well have you gone to the sauna yet?
WAB: Oh, you mean The Steam Room. We live there.
*all the boys affirm this, proudly. "Yes, yes we live in The Steam Room." Fist-pumps galore.
(cue my weird eyebrow movements again)
Elise: Uh, okay, well what about volleyball?
WAB: Oh yeah, we were playing earlier. *chuckles*
Elise, realizing that the girls saw them playing earlier, with their shirts off, starts to laugh: Ohh yeah we saw you guys. Hehh...
WAB: You probably thought 'Hey look at those toolbags playing with their shirts off! Ha!' Well, it was pretty hot. *mumbles* No, no it wasn't hot. It wasn't hot at all.
*eyebrows*
WAB: So where do you guys live in Provo? I live at bla-bla-la. I only live there for the hot tub. (he said this seriously. No joke)
WAB: What's your major?
Elise: English.
WAB: Ewww! Mine is Advertising. He said it just like this: "Addd-ver-tizing." I swear his front incisor twinkled a little bit. And my ovaries went like this:

(in anger, not happiness)

At this point, one of the other boys in the group started to talk to Black Swimsuit. I feel like it's necessary to add that he was sitting on the hot tub steps exactly like Ariel does in this scene in the Little Mermaid. Theee spitting image, I tell you.

I eavesdropped, naturally. You know me, always droppin' them eaves. ;)
????????????????

Little Merman, to Black Swimsuit girl: Go on a date with me. (Notice how he commanded her. Woof. He was gearing himself up for a salmon slap, no doubt.)
Black Swimsuit: Umm I just got my mission call...?

Poor girl. Srsly, she didn't know how to get him the heck off her back so that's what she had to say. We all know what I would've said. But we'll save that for a future blog post about my dating life:

visual aid: my dating life

Little Merman: Where did you get your call?
Black Swimsuit: Iowa, Spanish-speaking
Little Merman: Quiero salir contigo.
Black Swimsuit: Huh??
His Polynesian Friend, A.K.A. The Only One Still Wearing a Shirt: He's saying he wants to go on a date with you.
Black Swimsuit: Looking at her friends for help and support. They just giggled. I wanted to punch him in the throat, kind of.
Little Merman: Come on, I'll be the guy that sends you off. I'll write to you. Just go out with me.
Black Swimsuit girl: I leave in like 2 weeks.

At this point I was like "Yo, the club cannot handle me right now," and got up off my 6-inch cement pavilion, sort of splashing the awkward dude next to me, and showed my wet behind to everybody in the hot tub, which they made eyebrows at, no doubt. And we left. I never have to live at Belmont, now. I know what the scene is like.

Ah, it's good to be back. Didn't you miss me?

here's my apology gifs to all of you who just read this. 

truly, I am sorry.

and for those of you who are reading this blog for the first time, I wouldn't blame you if you never came back. 

over and ouuuuuuuut