to the finish line

Tibble Fork Reservoir 6/21/14, at 4:20am (cat making Home Alone face emoji)

“I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what." --Atticus Finch (Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird)

On Saturday morning, while the moon was still up, I dragged myself out of bed and drove to the high school, at which point I got on a bus, which drove me and 2500 other crazy humans up American Fork Canyon. The bus was terribly warm. It was really hard to get off that bus and step into the parking lot at Tibble Fork. But I did it. I did it because I had a race to run. This wasn't just any race, though. 

The last six months of my life have been...unplanned, to say the least. Ha. The year got off to a pretty rocky start. I learned what President Eyring said is true--we don't know very much about our futures, but we do know that we'll have unexpected surprises and trials. We can expect the unexpected. And yes, oftentimes those trials that come aren't things we would've asked for ourselves. I know I didn't. 

But Heavenly Father knows me better than I know myself, and thank goodness for that! The things I experienced were, at times, unbearably heavy, and it was then I had to turn to my Savior for help. 

Here's the thing about me and asking for help--I'm really bad at it. My mom says I'm independent, which is good, but it can also be a fatal flaw when you're in the middle of your "garbage compactor moment." Yeah, that was a Star Wars reference (duh). 

So once upon a time I took a Superheroes in Literature class, and we got to read comic books for homework. It was the beezy. We studied the Hero's Journey, which is found all throughout literature and in the scriptures, too. 

In the Hero's Journey, there's always a huge trial before the hero triumphs (Ordeal, Death & Rebirth). It's at this point in the circle that the protagonist either becomes the hero or becomes the villain, depending on how he reacts to the trial. In Star Wars: Episode IV, the "trial" takes place in the garbage compactor. The three protagonists are trapped in a garbage compactor--I mean really, what could be worse than dying via squishing, in a pile of trash? Probably dying via squishing in a sewer or something. But, I digress.

In the movie, it's shown as a literal compression--a pushing to the breaking point. But it's not always literal, yo. Everyone experiences this circle many times over in their lives, each time becoming a little better. To me, that's what conversion is. When we repent, we "become new creatures," and get a little bit closer to exaltation. Of course, because we're human, we mess up inevitably, but the Atonement brings us to number 11 each time--"Resurrection." It's beautiful and perfect that this will all end with a literal resurrection, but for now, each of us faces metaphorical resurrections every time we repent. Every time we decide to change and to overcome, we become a little more god-like. 

I hit a point during my garage compactor moment that was pretty low. There were days--many days--that I didn't want to get out of bed. Sometimes I didn't even want to wake up. I knew I couldn't possibly pray for such a thing, but I did what some of us do when the fire of adversity is burning particularly hot--I asked for the trial to please go away. I wanted Heavenly Father to take it from me. But, silly me, I didn't know what I was in for! Heavenly Father wanted me to become like Him, and how would I ever know how much grit I had until it was tested? 

"Your delivery from trial is important to Heavenly Father but so too is the growth you make while awaiting that relief. If all deliveries came immediately upon demand, the process of developing first-person faith would be aborted...True disciples on the other hand know that “charging God foolishly” will abort the faith development process and so meekly allow the process to continue. They understand that as long as they obediently seek the Lord’s will, seeming setbacks can actually be steps forward in their faith development. Like the man who is asked to move back one seat in a bus that is speeding forward on the freeway. Inside the bus, it looks like a move backward, but observing the bus from a distance, the man’s forward progress is clearly evident." from First Person Faith in God, by Ronald Hammond

I wanted that first-person faith, so I went to my bishop and asked for help. He suggested that I start working in the temple. It had never occured to me to do such a thing, even though it was sort of a no-brainer. It was one of the best choices I've ever made! The second thing I did was sign up for a half marathon. I tried to talk myself out of it lots of times, but in the end I told myself that I could do it if I decided I would. Simple.

And so, four months later, there I was, shivering in the parking lot at Tibble Fork Reservoir, wearing nothing but shorts, a t-shirt and my running shoes. Usually I get these awful adrenalin shockwaves throughout my whole body before I do something crazy-scary. But I was perfectly still. I knew that I was about to do something that I'd never done--run 13.1 miles, WHAT--and that this was my "Seizing the Sword" moment. Right after the trial is past, the hero now has the strength and integrity to continue, and seize his reward. Only after the trial is past can he get the sword.

Now, I didn't just up and run those dang 13.1 miles. I had to train every day for many moons. There were two weeks that I didn't run at all, because I fell back into the garbage compactor. I wanted to give up lots of times. But I didn't. The finish line was close. Soo close.

The run itself was fast. It helps when the first 8 miles are downhill. I felt strong. The first time I ran a mile was in 9th grade at my first x-country practice, which my dad kind of forced me to go to. I could barely make it through that one mile. And here I was, running 8 miles, then 9, 10, 11....at mile 10, there was a big hill. Everybody was walking up that hill. But that voice inside me wouldn't let me stop, not even for a lousy hill. I remember getting to the top and kind of turning around and saying "Well that was mean..." And then I kept running. At mile 12, the sun was out and right up in my grill. My tummy was hungry. Then Michael Jackson came on my one working headphone (oh yeah, that happened too. My right headphone just up and quit working at the starting line. OOF). Oh, sweet Michael. How I loved him in that moment. He got me to the finish line. 

But it wasn't just him, of course. :)

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing.” 

―August Wilson