"with a full heart and a fuller bladder I write these words"

^^Actual excerpt from my journal a few days ago. What a wonderful world.

Whitney, this post is for you because you said every time you try to write on your blog, mine distracts you. I feel almost as powerful as the internet in this regard. I thank you.

brief (?????) list of embarrassing garbage that has happened to me in the past 7 days:

1. I was at an intersection and a piece of my car fell off. Yeah, it lit'rally just fell off, but was still hanging on for life with its poor little 30-year-old rubber fingers (it was...a piece of rubber). So I sat there all embarrassed at this piece of rubber flying inconspicuously in the wind, and a semi-attractive guy started to cross the street in front of me (he was a 7.5, in case you were wondering). He was doing the whole stare-at-someone-for-so-long-that-you-have-to-turn-your-head-to-keep-staring-at-them, and since I knew what I looked like that day (#ovaryacting), I figured he was probably staring at the rubber. I was right. Sort of. Because when he had finally crossed the street, he turned back and shout-whispered "I LIKE YOUR CAR!" I should've known he was not staring deeply into my eyes. Also, I was wearing sunglasses. So. 
2. I was on a date and my head was in between two bookshelves (you think I'm making this up, don't you). I don't even know what happened, but I hit my head real hard on the top shelf. Does this story sound familiar? Oh, it doesn't? Because the same thing happened like 8 months ago, except I was bouncing on my bed and hit my head (don't turn this into a rap song, srsly. I know Jay-Z is reading this). And that time I really did get concussed. Both times I had no reaction other than nervous laughter followed by hysterical laughter followed by me thinking "Should I go to the hospital???? Nah." *passes out*
3. i AM CRAVING TORTILLAS SO BAD RIGHT NOW HELP
4. ^^not part of the embarrassing montage, but at least I gave you a guys a break. I hope you took advantage of the five seconds.
5. I was at work and I answered the phone. This is how the conversation went:

me: such-and-such workplace, how can I help you?
person: FISH! FISH!
me: Ummmm???????????? Sorry, what was that?
person: FISH!!! (I wish there was a way to emphasize this word more than just putting it in all caps, because that's how it sounded. MORE THAN ALL CAPS)
person: F-I-S-H, fish.
me: oh, right. yeah. yeah? we have some??? we have fish.
person: TROUT? RAINBOW TROUT?!?!?
me: no. we have these kinds tho *names off three kinds of fish, one fish, two fish, blue fish, etc, jk I didn't say that*
person: WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU SAID?
me: *starts crying*
me: *jk*
person: MILK?! RAW MILK!!!!!
me: yes. we have it. (I was getting real good at conversing with this person)
person: GOATS MILK!!
me: no.
person: *hangs up*

Finally, the fact that my high school mascot was the Caveman was finally useful to me.

6. I dreamt that I was knitting sweaters outside of the bathroom at work. My boss kept walking back to use the bathroom but every time she saw me she would get disgusted and walk away. I wasn't even naked. Just knitting. What's wrong with knitting? Sidenote: I rly wish I had that sweater I was knitting. It was like I was channeling my inner Mrs. Weasley. Do I have such a thing IRL??????

Wow, only six embarrassing moments. That I can remember, anyway.

And now I'm gonna go make tortillas and ride my bike, because it snowed yesterday. Or whatever.

just keepin it rillz at 12 in the AM