europe: a table of contents

our very last walk in Europe (we trespassed)

When I'm catching up in my journal, I often write a "Table of Contents" for whomever might be reading it in the future (hashtag angels, wink-wink). I just wanna be helpful! And now I am doing it on this blog, to mostly help me remember what happened and to basically tell you everything that happened in short one-liners. Still, this ended up being way too long. If you read them all, you should probably find other constructive things to do with your time in the future. Also, thanks for being my friend. 

Chapter 1: In Which I Pack a Blowdryer, Nearly Unhinging The Entire Trip Because My Hair Permed Itself in Europe (Humidity and the Like)
Chapter 2: Wow This is Kind of Fun and Stupid to Capitalize Every Word I Feel Like I'm Writing Fall Out Boy Songs
Chapter 3: In Which I Fly on a Plane for 10 Hours (Or, More Accurately, Sit on a Plane for 10 Hours), And Do Not Sleep, and Freak Out Over the Sheep I See Everywhere When We Land in Scotland at 7am
Chapter 4: In Which Our GPS Fails to Realize Where We Are
Chapter 5: In Which We Drive on the Wrong Side of the Road and Almost Get Hit by a Bus (twice)
Chapter 6: In Which We Buy a New GPS
Chapter 7: In Which I Fall Asleep Every Time We Sit Down (I Don't Remember This Day Very Well But I Know We Went to a Castle and Some Museums)
Chapter 8: In Which I Get Shoved by a Lot of Asians
Chapter 9: In Which The Above Chapter Becomes the Chapter of Everywhere Else We Go, Except for Germany
Chapter 10: Nobody Goes to Germany
Chapter 11: Except for Us
Chapter 12: Paris is Very Dirty
Chapter 13: I Thought Paris Was Dirty But Then I Went on the Metro
Chapter 14: Wait I Skipped London!
Chapter 15: London Stressed Me Out Because I Wanted to See Everything, Except for the Nudity Which I Did See, Dangit
Chapter 16: They Don't Let You Take Pictures at Kensington Gardens??? Because Kate & William Live There? But? Like? They? NeverGoOutside????
Chapter 17: If America Had Parks Like Europe (Especially London/Scotland) Had Parks, I Would Never Go Inside
Chapter 18: Hold On, I Need to Talk About Scotland Some More
Chapter 19: Scotland: Green Rolling Hills, Sheep, Chocolate, Sheep, The Best Accents of Ever, Castles, Sheep, Green Rolling Hills
Chapter 20: In Which I Decide to Move to Scotland
Chapter 21: LONDON'S INDIAN FOOD!!!!!
Chapter 22: Every Guy I Passed in London: "I'd Date That"
Chapter 23: You Think I'm Exaggerating But I'm Not
Chapter 24: Don't Go Inside of the Phone Booths Because People Do Unspeakable Things in the Phone Booths
Chapter 25: It's Not Worth It: A Summary of Almost Every Touristy Thing You Can Do in Europe
Chapter 26: It's Worth It: A Summary of All the Food You Can Eat in Europe
Chapter 27: The Only English I Heard In France Was "Selfie" From the Guys Selling Selfie Sticks At Every Corner
Chapter 28: It Weirds Me Out When People Take Selfies in Notre Dame
Chapter 29: Or Any Church, Basically
Chapter 30: NOBODY PREPARED ME FOR SHAKESPEARE BOOK COMPANY
Chapter 31: The Only Touristy Thing I Liked in Paris: That Bookstore
Chapter 32: Mona Lisa Is Very Anti-Climactic
Chapter 33: Turns Out the Steps of Versailles is An Okay Place for a Nap
Chapter 34: Thus Continues My Streak of Falling Asleep On Top of Famous Structures
Chapter 35: I'm Still Not Over the Man's Face Who I Saw on the Gallieni Metro Line at 10pm on Sunday Night Like Are You Even A Real Person
Chapter 36: I Can't Go Home Without All of the Bread Here
Chapter 37: SWITZERLAND!!!!!! OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOGMGOMG
Chapter 38: Switzerland: Still Not Over It
Chapter 39: The Night I Ate a Pizza from a Place with Bongs in the Windows and We Couldn't Park the Car Anywhere and We Had to Go Inside The Shoddiest (Yes, I am British Now) Driveway/Garage Thing Very Late At Night and I was 100% That We Would Get Murdered
Chapter 40: We Didn't Get Murdered, but We Almost Got Locked Out of the Hotel
Chapter 41: Even Though I Had a Key
Chapter 42: So Switzerland Is Awesome but They RLY Need to Work On Their Locks/Doors
Chapter 43: "I Kinda Hate You": A Thing I Said In My Head to Everyone I Passed in Switzerland Who Lived There
Chapter 44: Heck No I Am Not Paying 30 Bones for a Burrito
Chapter 45: Your Country Is Still Beautiful, Tho
Chapter 46: Germany is A Giant Forest Full of Random Cabins and Cows and I Listened to 10 Podcasts While We Drove Through It
Chapter 47: Austria Won For Best Park
Chapter 48: Because Nobody Was In It
Chapter 49: S/O To The IKEA In Austria Which Had Excellent Wi-Fi
Chapter 50: S/O To The Lady Who Sold Me Raspberries That Day in Front of Mozart's House/Restaurant BC She Saved Me From Near Collapse
Chapter 51: I Think We Accidentally Went to the Cemetery from The Sound of Music
Chapter 52: HOW DOES THIS HAVE 52 CHAPTERS I AM NEVER ACTUALLY WRITING THESE OUT
Chapter 53: Munich is Like the Ogden of Germany
Chapter 54: But the Gelato is Only One Dollar
Chapter 55: I Think I Sat in Duck Poop
Chapter 56: I Bought Most of my Chocolate in Munich On the Last Day Because This Place Was Selling it For a DOLLAR
Chapter 57: Chocolate Is Actually Heavy
Chapter 58: You Can Hear the Planes Flying Over Our Heads In Our Hotel Room :'(
Chapter 59: The Pull-Out Bed We Are Sleeping On Is More Like an Abandoned Shopping Cart With a Mattress On It (Kind of)
Chapter 60: In Which We Fly (Sit) On a Plane for 13 Hours and I Puke for Most of the Last 2
Chapter 61: God Bless America

NOT-VERY-CHRONOLOGICAL PICTURE DUMP BELOW:

um. this cat's face. the only thing I remember from that day I sleepwalked around Scotland.

jk, I remember this. EDINBURGH (pronounced Edin-Borough)

at church on Sunday the bishop told us once we went to the highlands we wouldn't want to go anywhere else. he was right.

I just can't.

my future house in Inverness

wait no maybe this one.

cutest old German man was watching the sunset from Inverness Castle. heart-melter.

I wish all the convenience stores in America looked like this. And also sold chocolate and bread and cheese like this. And also were this.

this castle in Scotland reminded me of Ever After (which I know is in France, duh). It rained a lot that day.

if you can go inside a cathedral for free JUST DO IT, MON. What? Jamaican? I don't know.

I'm clearly the most photogenic.

hey you pretty ladyyyyy (wait crap, it's Big Ben, that's a boy clock)

that giant ball hanging from the middle is a tennis ball. the first night we were there we watched the French Open with some French people behind the Eiffel Tower and I was like "hahaha all my friends are at the Rooftop Concert right now hahahahaha"

THIS. BOOKSTORE. 

mm jes.

this isn't the actual famous lock bridge, but fun fact, Paris is tearing that one apart. it hasn't stopped people from putting locks on basically every bridge in Europe, though. Not sure why an entire posse felt like had to write their names on the bridge, but whatever. You don't see ME writing the names of all my FB friends on a bridge, do YOU? It would take hours! (Kidding, only like 2 seconds)

No Quasimodo sightings, unfortunately

Lucerne, the first place we stopped in Switzerland. I bought a water bottle to pay for parking. It's a long story. No it's not. I bought a water bottle to pay for parking. Europe. Smh.

Then we drove through this and I was like "are we in Middle Earth"

LOOK AT THIS CAT.

I walked around this lake/church/village by myself for an hour. Only saw like two other living humans. Said "I hate you" to them under my breath, followed by "I want to trade lives with you."

PERMED HAIR. This isn't even the curliest it got, cuz this is on top of the Alps and it was sort of cold. In London my hair was lit'rally ringlets every day. I have eye wrinkles now....?

We got lost but it wasn't terrible.

Idk which mountain that is but they're all famous and Patagonia names clothing after them, or something. Speaking of Patagonia (the store)...there is a very single guy who works at the one in Interlaken who is very desperate for a woman-friend. We walked in and he pointed to his friend/other employee working there and immediately said "He's married." Me and Sarah just said: "???????????????????"

the city of a thousand waterfalls (yeah not a joke). we hiked to the top of that one. 

sigh.

taken from the car, somewhere in Austria.

my bladder was sO FULL when I took this picture (TMI and all that garbage)

I ran around this village trying to find our car so I could pay for parking again because the spaetzel was almost ready! Yes that sentence was out of context but don't expect me to clarify it for you. 

Germany. Smh. This village rly liked Christmas decor.

Bavaria (like the pastries)

Mozart's homespeezy. a few feet away there was a band of youths (all male) and they kept asking us if we spoke English. how did they know and also why do they care and also stop smoking, youths. 

that park in Austria #nohoomans