Movie Night With Kenz: Shutter Island {Alternate Title: Leo Lives in Struggle City}

No, I'm not talking about the camera store in the Valley River Mall which bears the same name. Also, disclaimer, I watched le edited version, but in the woods, in the dark, so it probably didn't make any difference. Whytheface do I do these things to myself?

I sure love writing these. They kind of read like the memoir of someone who used to do acid. Anyway. This is a review written in "real time," meaning, my thoughts as I was watching it, because no, I did not bring my computer. I'm not devoid of all compassion and manners.

me before this movie:

me after this movie:

* * *

(obligatory asterisks)

So. Leo is really upset about something (I am 20 minutes late to this but it's not my fault hashtag Trent). I have this text to go on: "Two FBI agents are investigating the disappearance of a psycho patient on an island." Out of context, he's obviously talking about an episode of Dr. Phil. Butt I digress. 

Leo (Agent Always Looking Real Confused Face) is running around at this camera store (nope, island, sorry) with Mark Ruffalo and my jaw is starting to hurt cuz I'm chewing my gum nervously because this DANG MUSIC. Have you ever watched a scary movie w/out the music? It's ridiculous. I did that once with "What Lies Beneath" and the entire movie is just Michelle Pfeiffer staring into a bathtub and needing an Aspirin. Dumb.

*Leo has war flashbacks*

*these upset me so I clench my fists as a subtle clue that I am upset*

Leo looks confused. Leo always looks confused. Why hasn't he won an Oscar for this confused face it's like his only face.

*Leo smokes a cigarette*

*Leo yells at Mark Ruffalo*

*I'm feeling hungry*

*Alright, I'll start calling him Agent Teddy*

Very well played, Martin Scorsese. Well played. "Agent Teddy" has got to be the least ominous name ever but slap it on a disturbed FBI agent and bam now it is creepy. BIEN HECHO.

K now there is another woman who's looking nappy as heck (nappy=needs a nap). Wait the guy from Tuck Everlasting is in this too?! (SEE PIC BELOW HE IS NOT A TRUSTWORTHY HUMAN LOOK AT HIS OUTFIT)...but now he's a doctor. I obviously don't trust him at all because he's wearing a bowtie and if U WORKED AT A CRAZY-A PLACE LIKE SHUTTER ISLAND you wouldn't wear bowties you'd wear all black all the time probably and carry a scythe oh wait I'm describing Death oops ok so anyway this dingleberry is CRAZY. Point made, 10 years later. 

So I don't trust him, but he's telling Leo/Agent Teddy that they found the crazy mujer that he and Mark Ruffalo were looking for, and I'm like "Huh? Whatever. Nope. It's probably a mannequin or someone who LOOKS like the woman he's looking for." Also, the movie has only been going for like 30 mins so there's no way that's her. NO. Way." Such articulate. Very orator.

Wuuuuut that's Amy from "The Kid"! One of my fave movies which is completely different than this one and maybe that's why I am super freaked out by her character. Think Nicole Kidman from The Others but even more bat-shiz-crazy, and also in a Pioneer Dress. YEEEEEE. 

see? look how nice she looks in The Kid. She's in her pajamas. Petting a puppy. WITH BRUCE WILLIS, who is in a sweater. now imagine her in the complete opposite scenario, and that was her in Shudder Island. Shutter Island. Whatever.

*at this point I was in the fetal position*

*TURN DOWN THE MUSIC PLZ I HATE THIS STUPID MO--*

Ok wait. She thinks that she knows Leo from somewhere, and he's like "???" "No? I don't know you?" *backs against the wall dramatically* *Christopher Nolan def stole some parts of this for Inception*

Ok but I have totally had this conversation before with someone on campus! She came up to me and was like "Hey! Oh my gosh I loved those cookies you brought us!" Now, I did bring cookies to lots of people back in those days because I wasn't as greedy, so this wasn't weird. And I DID know her from one of my classes. *plot thickens like pulpy orange juice, gag* 

She then said "Yeah can I get the recipe?" 

I was like "Oh yeah it's so easy..." still not remembering when I brought this girl cookies...so I give her the recipe and she's like "I thought they were Oatmeal Chocolate Chip!" 

I was like "No, I haven't...made those...for anyone...e..ve...r" and she goes 

"You brought them to 215! A few daays ago." 

I was all "honey where u live?" And she said "Carriage House" and I was like "Oh I've never taken cookies there." She went "Oh my gosh. I'm gong to walk away from you now." Completely mortified. And I laughed so hard my eyebrows fell off.

SO LET'S JUST SAY THIS CONVO BETWEEN LEO AND AMY FROM "THE KID" WAS JUST LIKE THAT ONE I HAD EXCEPT NOT ABOUT COOKIES, BUT ABOUT WEIRD CRIMES THEY DID IN THE PAST WHICH THEY CAN'T SEEM TO REMEMBER BECAUSE THEY HAVE REPRESSED THEM, OBVIOUSLYYYYYYY. Leo is lookin' real confused (again). 

Meanwhile everyone else is like "Get it together Leo. Like FIGURE it out." Can't tell if they are talking to his character with their eyebrows or The Academy, who inevitably watched this movie at some point. 

"FIGURE IT OUT. GIVE HIM THE OSCAR DANGIT."

Mark Ruffalo looks so good in his patient clothes. ? Well. 

Alright, somehow Leo got to a cave on this island. Caves=never a good idea. They have NEVER been a good idea.

here is my proof:

*LOTR Return of the King (spiders)

*the bum on the Oregon Coast living in a cave when I was 12

*The Goonies? Ok come on how many more perfect examples do I need

*did I mention the bum that was living in one when I was 12? ok

So now Patricia Arquette is in this cave with a shank, and she's built a fire, which, hold on, don't you need a chimney for that? Whatever. WH A T EVE R. She's like "Btw Leo, you're being drugged, they want you to think you're crazy and you can never leave this place, lol."

*Leo has more freakish flashbacks*

*Now I am trying not to pee my pants cuz I'm so creeped out*

*it's the music, mostly*

Leo gets out of the cave at some point, and oh yeah he's in these white clothes like he's a patient and then I'm like "Oh, he is dressed as a patient...hmm...could it be that he actually is one? Plz don't let that really be the punchline of the movie because if so I just figured it out and it's not even close to over."

But GUYZ. I figured it out. That's it. That's the whole movie. Leo is a patient, but the Doctor/Ben Kingsley lets him wander around the island and pretend he's an FBI agent again (cuz he used to be), which seems like the dumbest idea ever. "How about we take this really crazy patient, who murdered someone, and let him wander around the island and pretend to be an FBI agent? Sounds ruhllll smart. I am the smartest! I am a doctor, after all." PSH.

Also, who wrote this line: "If I sunk my teeth into your eyeball right now, how fast do you think it would take for you to go blind?"

LIKE WTH??!?!?!?!?

Go to bed, Martin Scorsese. And by bed, I mean therapy.

My reaction faces, probably (I didn't have a mirror, duh!)