this post starts with a cat picture and that's where it should end (but it doesn't)

things not to do when you have jet lag:

1. wake up
2. be awake
3. not sleep
4. not be dreaming
5. not be in a bed
6. not have your eyes closed
7. be alive

Ok, so I'm exaggerating a little. Have you ever laid down in traffic? Have you? Then you know what jet lag feels like.

I can't promise I'll ever be done complaining about it. There are two things that make me very moody indeed, and they are not getting enough sleep and not getting enough food. I struggled with both in Europe but then coming home was like being covered in mayonnaise and then getting hit by a train. Huh? 

Yeah. That metaphor should've been saved for never.

As per Murphy's law, as soon as I arrived home, everything was thrown into a chaotic pit smelling like the Goodwill on River Road, which, if you've never been there (it's in Oregon), it smells like poop. Yes. Feces! I hate saying both of those words so don't expect me to do that again. However, I am still jet-lagged so expect me to say them again.

Yes I am still talking about jet-lag in this post and if you've gotten this far why give up now? C'mon you JERRY-BASTIONS.....that's not the phrase. But you're smart. Figure it out.

Anyway, back to Monday. Monday was the day Murphy's Law paid me a visit. I woke up at 5am after a confusing/terrifying 4 hours of REM-cycling. This is because my nocturnal body clock *I know that's not what it's really called* was trying to do a Tour de France, so to speak, but then the European part of my body clock was like "YOU SHALL NOT SLEEP!" How many of you read that in Ian McKellen's voice? I did. I'm the only one reading this. I know it.

In those four hours of sleep, I managed to have the absolute worst nightmares (animals dying=McKenzie crying--look it up because it's a real nursery rhyme). I never have nightmares, except for when I do, because I'm having trouble sleeping. And so it goes! I then went to work but kept forgetting how to do simple tasks, kept getting up to do something and then completely forgetting what that thing was, and ended up going to the bathroom, whereupon I realized my bladder was empty. So I filled up my water bottle (Water Bottle #1. Water Bottle #2 has since been lost on the tracks of the London Underground) and I must've forgotten to screw the cap on tightly.

After work, I hastily threw everything into my purse and stumbled out the door, bleary-eyed and unsure if I should be driving myself anywhere, except to the nearest mattress store, but goshdANGIT that was kind of far (more than one block when you're jat-lagging=far). I kept imagining my kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Bass, with her freakish Dustin Hoffman jawline and incredibly tanned skin (not unlike a jersey cow), saying "Do not color that Mickey Mouse anything but red and black, McKenzie! Dangit!" She didn't say "dangit" but being five years old, it felt like she did, and I cowered in the corner with my yellow and blue markers thinking "?????????" (and crying). And why I thought of her in this moment, I am not sure, but it probably made me lose focus, at which point my water bottle was turned upside down inside my purse, spilling out its contents everywhere.

Everywhere=my wallet, my phone, my spare keys, my lint balls. My phone. My phone. 

So I got home and my phone had this weird wet streak underneath the glass screen kinda like someone had wiped it with a (used) Kleenex, and I shrugged with dead eyes and a deader heart and said "Eh, could be worse." Browsed Instagram for a sec. Tried to send a message to my grandma. Then it died. My phone, not my grandma. Anyway I would never refer to her as "it"! 

Is this blog post over yet?

Oh yeah, so if you're tryn'a talk to me, you can't, and I'm not ignoring you, but just be grateful I can't actually text anyone right now because it would be a lot like this post. Immmmmploding. And I can't show you Europe pictures but if you come over I will probably give you chocolate. Oh, who am I kidding. Just look at Instagram. The chocolate is basically gone now. I refuse to be shamed by this.