trying to be relatable AND poetic

This is my constant struggle.

But I guess a writer can be whatever they want, because I don't write for anyone else. Just for me. If it helps you or resonates with you or makes you laugh, gOOD.

But I don't do it for you.

Resolutions are on (most) everybody's minds at this time of year, but I gave up making a list of resolutions about 5 years ago. It just made me feel overwhelmed and like a failure as soon as I inevitably let one of my fifty lofty goals fall by the wayside.

Now I try to set one broad goal for the year that kind of encompasses who I want to become. Last year it was to pay attention more--which happened to encompass many of my spiritual, physical, and emotional goals. And I think I had more noticeable progression last year than I have in a while (at least, noticeable progression to me, which is all that matters).

I'm still not quite sure if I can put into words what my goals are for this year, but seeing as our family has some big changes coming soon (moving, graduating, getting new jobs, etc), I feel like my goal will probably have something to do with faith over fear.

Last year, and probably every year of my life so far, I made some decisions out of fear. I'm a pretty  anxious person (something I am trying to overcome), and any sort of change to my comfort zone results in my immediately feeling worried, out of control, and wanting to run away from it all. Not healthy, yo!

So even though I don't know where I'll be living or what I'll be doing in six months, I feel strangely calm about it all. I know it will all be fine.

me: "yeah I'm totally okay I just (takes deep breath) (starts screaming)"

Oh

How

The

Turn

Tables.

For the past two weeks I haven't been sleeping well. I actually don't usually sleep very well, but the last few weeks have been especially bad. It's like my mind had this itch it could not WOULD NOT scratch, and every night I would get into bed all exhaustified from life and my brain would be like "hey hey psssttt I have a bunch of ideas about our future, wanna hear?" And I'm like, "Uh, maybe not now? Since it's 1am? Maybe no?????" Brain: "Hahahahahaha." *proceeds to not stop talking all night*

lol kill me in the face

I never say "lol" and I probably won't ever say it again. *screenshot*

I was really stressed about all the different directions my life was taking. Imagine you're standing on a road and the road has 5 different forks (which makes it..not a fork...more like a mutant-utensil but ANYWAY) and they all look real nice. The first fork pathway has flowers growing on it and it's sunny, looks sort of like southern California, oh gosh, yeah, no-brainer, I'll take this one. Then while you're walking down that path, you get a glimpse of the other one: it also has flowers growing on it, but it also has huge trees (for shade purposes) and a river flowing next to it. Okay....alright that one looks better. Lemme just backtrack real quick.

And so it continues, until you think "OK. WHICH ONE IS WHICH. WHICH ONE AM I SUPPOSED TO BE ON." Help a brotha out. P.S. Whenever I see the word "brotha" my brain autocorrects it to "brothel." Not helpful. Doesn't your brain autocorrect stuff? Isn't it weird that "autocorrect" is a verb used to describe things other than our phones' Freudian slips?

I got one rejection letter and one acceptance letter this week. Talk about an emotional roller coaster. I was shocked both times. Then two other opportunities presented themselves, and the sleepless nights resumed.

At least I got a solid 5 hours the other day.

*cries softly to self*

/existential crisis rant over (for now)

fall is upon us

I posted this on the internetz last year and some girl said she was getting a tattoo of it. HA. /end tangent

Errybody's like "IT'S SEPTEMBER FIRST YOU ANIMALS." And yeah, maybe loving fall is a "blogger cliche" or whatever, but I'm willing to give up my reputation as a non-normal-blogger and just say, on the record, that fall is that thing for me.

Every year when September first comes, it's preceded by a week or so of that bone chill, that gets right down into your sneakers and makes you think "Huh. Maybe I should start wearing hoodies...?" So you do. And then by 3pm you're melting out of your skin. Too excited. I fell for it, too. I wore a sweater two weeks ago because it was raining when I woke up. And when I got home the sweater went right back into hibernation.

This weekend I drove, drove, drove, right past the second star to the right if you know what I'm saying. And pretty soon I was in the Cache Valley National Forest (for those of you not privy to Utah-speak, Cache is pronounced like the monies). Just the drive there smacked me upside the head with FALL. IT IS FALL, everyone. My grandma told me "nature knows what season it is." I mean, yes. But her corn has already shriveled up. It knows. The mountains are turning over now.

You know fall has a smell, right? The smell of decay and burning and orange sky. That smell. It's my childhood. We would run down the streets by our house until the sun dipped just below the horizon line, the shadows turning into warped shapes and creepy ghouls if we wanted them to (we always wanted them to). Liz and I read and re-read "The Witches." Everybody in our vicinity became a witch. I pulled the worn-down books about haunted things off the bookshelf. We had books about haunted things! That is no hyperbole.

Now all I want to do is take my bike, Topanga, and ride around campus. Being on campus in the fall is one of the best things. I always get jealous (!) of every student everywhere when fall begins. If anyone wants to buy me a new notebook and pencil I will love you for thinking of me in this trying time. Ha. If you see me lurking in the BYU library, plz come say hi. Next year I will join you there as a student. And I probably won't be as poetic about school as I'm being now. 2 years without schooling DOES things to you, man.

Last fall was downright beautiful. For the books! But I was depressed. I was in a funk, which lasted clear 'til this summer. I'm glad that I went through everything I did, though. It made me stronger (I hope). That's right--I can bench 200 lbs now! Alright. JK. But you know what I'm saying. This fall will be a little different; just as beautiful, though.

And now, some autumn-y pictures to take us out.

“October Country . . . that country where it is always turning late in the year. That country where the hills are fog and the rivers are mist; where noons go quickly, dusks and twilights linger, and mid-nights stay. That country composed in the main of cellars, sub-cellars, coal-bins, closets, attics, and pantries faced away from the sun. That country whose people are autumn people, thinking only autumn thoughts. Whose people passing at night on the empty walks sound like rain. . . .” 
― Ray Bradbury, The October Country

Aaand just for funzies: last year's Labor Day post, having nothing whatsoever to do with fall. I can keep it real. Yes I can.

(everyone on the internet on September 30th, 11:59pm)

(everyone on the internet on October 1st)

what kind of girl am I, anyway?

mcfrenzy tip: if you're stressed, depressed, and overdressed (like me right now), look up.

This has been on my mind a lot. A lot. Translation: since before I started blogging again. Actually, probably right about the time I stopped blogging on ye olde blog, and had a weird funk when I couldn't/didn't want to write. But I've found that even (and probably especially) at times when I didn't feel like writing at all, that was when I needed it the most. #lifemetaphor

So, I must write. And this is important to me, so I'd better get it down somewhere while my thoughts are (sort of, mostly not) organized.

I've been in this weird funk since graduation. Which was....uh....2 years ago this April. TWO. What the carp (yes, the fish). The morning after the ceremony, I woke up in our hotel room and my dad said to me, "Kenzie. This is the first day of the rest of your life."

I guess that's true. Once a big milestone is accomplished, you feel this sort of freedom. You're not necessarily a brand new person, but you've finally done something that was looming ahead of you forever, like the end of a rainbow. P.S. Has anybody ever successfully gotten to the end of one of those? It used to be on my bucket list. Until I turned twelve.

Well anyway. We all have those huge ambitions in life that usually take a long time, and once we've done them, it feels kind of...off. Errybody knows what I'm talking about. And most of the time you're stuck there saying "Um, now what do I do...heheh...?"

Let's get real for a sec. I was good at school. I'm not saying I was a good student (and I guess I was but that's not the point I'm making, homies)...I mean, like....I liked being in the library. I liked the feeling of bustin' out a 10-page research paper in a day (but I don't ever want to do that again, kthxbye). I loved being in class (especially English class...seriously who wants to let me take their English class for them?). And I did that for most of my existence, until 2012, at which point I had to re-evaluate muh lyfe, and in so doing, I lost my footing. For a long time.

I'm still regaining my balance. I'm trying to figure out who the heck I am, if I'm not a full-time student. And I know I can keep learning even though I'm not in school..ha. I've actually been learning a lot, mostly through trials and experiences which I did not ask for. Heavenly Father is a perfect parent. So I know that it will work out. I know that from experience.

So. Another growing pain (which has been nudging me for a couple years now) is occupying most of the space in my brain right now. And while I was in the shower yesterday (too graphic? probably. but it's my THINKING PLACE!) all of these ideas started flooding over me right along with the shower water! I mean! Synchronicity, anyone?

...well I thought it was cool.

I'm a little late to this resolution game, and trust me, these aren't new, and I'm not going to say that they'll be solved in a year, but I have to put these down. I can't carry them around no mo. Ya feel me?

The thing is, I need to start being the person I want to be today. I'm not going to wait anymore. I'm not going to wait until certain events line up in my life to become a better person. I'm pretty sure that's not how faith works. Faith moves forward, and fear + pride freeze us up. They stop progression and ruin everything. Ain't nobody got time fo dat! Srsly. Like, I don't have time to be wasting.

First of all, I need to stop feeling guilty for things that aren't my fault. Helloooo, I'm pretty sure 98% of the female world population experiences this emotion. Guilt is only useful when it moves us to change our actions, and also if it comes from something wrong we did. I have this problem (and it's embarrassing to admit), but yo, I'm like the Rogue of guilt (you know..the crazy girl from X-men). If somebody is having a hard time with something, I see how it could possibly be my fault, and transfer the guilt onto myself. This. Is. Not. Smart. Nor. Is. It. Healthy. So if anybody out there that's reading this is also participating in this activity....stop. I'm serious. Just cut it out. You don't have time to feel bad for other people's mistakes and your own. It's too much.

Also, guess what? It's not really making use of the Atonement. Alma 7:11 lists all of the things Christ took upon Himself, and it really was everything. So don't carry what you don't have to. It will drag you down and give you jellybones in your arms. Trust me.

So, that's something I want to become--someone who shows compassion and love to others, while at the same time avoiding feeling guilty for their problems. Clarification moment: one of our baptismal covenants is to bear others burdens. I believe in doing that of course. But there comes a point when I take it too far, and start to believe that their burdens are my fault. Or that I'm not carrying it enough. Make sense? Richard G. Scott says it better...and he's an apostle. So I'd suggest reading that there talk.

Another thing I need to work on (majorly) is my faith. I struggle with believing in miracles. For others, yes, I believe in them. But for myself...not as much. I gotta work on my first person faith. It's okay (and also preferable to a happy lifestyle) to believe in miracles. I'm pretty sure Heavenly Father supports that! He can't bless us if we don't believe He will. So do the opposite of what the world teaches...and believe in good things! Here's another awesome talk for that...it changed my life.

I feel like I just gave a talk in church....like I lit'rally almost just typed "In closing..." Oh gash. You guyz. I know you expect funny posts and ridiculous gifs most of the time. And that's what I'll give you. But sometimes, I gotta wax poetic. Or shave poetic. Ha. What? W-H-A-T. I know what you're all thinking.

I think this post is long enough. I have something funny up my sleeve...so no worries, homies. I'll be back with more of dis:

This is art. 

You know why? You could lit'rally caption it with any bad situation and then BAM.

That moment when you get to class and realize you have a test.

That moment when you're hungry and realize you have no food.

That moment when you're busy doing life and then someone is mean to you.

That moment when you're blogging and you realize your post is sort of a rambling mess but you put it on Facebook anyway so the whole internet can find it. 

Wait.

peace and blessins'

2013 is almost over. Weird. Because I vividly remember the beginning of 2013, and geesh, it wasn't really 365 days ago, was it? Srsly. This year was what I would call a great big, 365-day-long growing pain. f'realz. Ouch. Many scars on this girl right here. But it was all worth it. Of course.

Heavenly Father knows what He's doing. 

This year I....

*started to blahg again and found out the internet still likes my insanity

*worked 3 different jobs. yes, three.  tres. mucho. that's a lot. but each one had its purpose in that whole growing thang.

*discovered BEN HOWARD

*made lots of new best frands, who I seriously can't believe I lived this long without! what the heck! well thanks 2013, for all these people. I lub them.

*hiked Timp finally (awesome, but ew. but awesome.)

*got my endowments 

*went to californiaaaaaaa

*took the dadgum GRE, POR FIN

*ate way too many tacos (wait that's not even possible)

*ran the Dirty Dash. next up: half marathon (??????!?!!?!?!?)

*learned how to longboard. bought a longboard. wondered if I really did know how to longboard. got some more scars from longboarding

*moved out of parents' house to Provo

*saw lots of family members and friends get married. aww yeah.

*went to lots of bang-a-rangin' concerts

I've been listening to this song on heavy rotation lately. The words are puhfect for how I feel right now:

And I've come to be untroubled in my seeking.
And I've come to see that nothing is for naught.
I've come to reach out blind
To reach forward and behind
For the more I seek the more I'm sought
Yeah, the more I seek the more I'm sought.

Hey 2014, I'm ready for you. Come at me.

on a scale from fake pockets to nachos, how good is this idea?

So, remember that funk I was talking about? I'm trying to think of some solutions before I lose my dadgum mind. I'm probably gonna lose it. Because. I'm. An. Introvert. And I hold everything inside of me until it becomes Mt. St. Helens, post-May-1980. Ya feel me?

Here's a list of things I've tried out/I'm going to try out in order to pull myself together. Because I'm an unfinished jigsaw puzzle right now and I need to figure out where my missing pieces fit.

• marry a bus-driver who will drive us a bus to a foreign country, in which we convert said bus into a restaurant on wheelz. Then live inside the bus? Maybe that's too extreme. Well at least we'd never have to go out for dinner...
• go to a movie and then stay in the theater for the rest of my life. I probably wouldn't miss very much. Except for maybe other foods besides popcorn and giant pickles. Dang. Now I want a giant pickle.
• move to Alaska and stargaze for the rest of eternity (hey, it's the only place besides Scandinavia that's dark a lot...I'd move there, too, if it was closer). Also, I could try buffalo jerky! Yum! But also, there's mountain men in Alaska with facial hair, amiriiiight?
• invent something as cool as the french fry, make a jillion dollars, and move to Machu Picchu. Actually, I don't think I could live at that altitude for my whole life, so I'd just visit, and then move to Agribah. Yeah, that fictional place in Aladdin. 
• become a unicorn

So far, these are stellar ideas. Don't you think? Okay, here's some real life goals:

• run a race next summah (half-marathon, no joking around this time. but when I get to mile 12 I'll probably be thinking "Is this a joke?")
• chop my hair
• buy a new bike and ride it more than I drive my car (tricky, but super hippie, so I could probably maybe swing it...except for there's that black ice thing...hmmm)
• sleep more

#sendhelp

(an accurate depiction of how I feel. me= the girl. escalator =lyfe)

let's get real for a sec.

I have writer's block. I can't produce anything worth reading at this point in time. I mean, I could probably just paste a bunch of creepy Nicolas Cage pictures on here. Or space cats. The internet is rife with space cats, I tell you.

Buuuuut I decided to post something a little more serious, because SRSLY, this blog isn't all bout fun and games, you guyz. I can't be all funny and crazy all the time (actually I can, with enough chocolate in me...I can).

So, I'm moving. I'm actually really scared about it. I've been in my comfort zone for awhile now (aka my parents' house) and a month or so ago I decided it was time to spread my wings (who wants to be the wind beneath them? volunteers?).

The thing about comfort zones is that they aren't exactly greenhouses. Wow. That metaphor totally crashed and burned. It was like the Hindenberg all over again.

Anywayyy. What I'm trying to say is that we never really grow when we're comfortable. It feels nice and safe inside our bubbles, but we after awhile it gets too comfortable and there's nothing to do in there. It's time for a change. Helllloo, the first nine months of everybody's life is spent in a really comfy bubble, also known as the uterus, and then wa-BAM, comfort zone broken! In a really traumatic way. Sorry that you all have to poke your mind's eye out now.

But really. In all my experiences, stepping outside of the comfort zone is really, really hard at first. It's terrifying to take that step into the unknown and go "Okay Heavenly Father...I trust you. But is it going to be worth it?" And of course He always answers that question later with experiences and people and great feelings and then you find yourself looking back on them later going, "Hey! What was I even afraid of?"

So here's to the jumping off point. I'm sure I'll break some bones when I crash (I'll probably crash...I get distracted when I'm in motion. #klutzbomb)...but it will be worth it.

Tally-ho.

I hope I don't turn out like Meredith does in this gif...actually I hope I don't turn out like Meredith, period.

for my future McHubz Face

if you wanna marry me, there are only a few requirements.

1) sing

2) play an instrument 

3) do both at the same time
4) make me a pb & banana sandwich for no reason

BOOM.

Now I'll just sit here patiently and wait for all my suitors to come.

Or maybe one of you has a backstage pass to see Ben Howard and I can just get that whole marriage proposal over with? Yeah?

DO ME A SOLID.

Now, since I'm on this subject of future prospects, let me share with you this gem from my an old journal. Yes, yes, sadly I fell victim to the whole "make a huge long list of all the qualities and attributes you want in your future spouse and be super specific." That list made it impossible to date for awhile. A boy would ask me out and I'd be like, "Wait, wait, hold up, my list says not to be interested in anybody who doesn't have blue eyes. So...sorry. Send me a postcard?"

What they should've told us to do was "make a huge long list of all the attributes and qualities you want to have in yourself when you're ready to get married and be super specific." But I digress.

So, in the name of solidarity, I now share with you, my homeskillets and homepaninipresses (what?) some of my favorites from my list, circa 2010 (yeah, not that long ago..erp. can't believe I just admitted to that on the world wide web. then again, I have a BLOG on the world wide web. enough said.):

my other half (yes that's what it's called, h8rs gon' h8)

1) no skinny jeans, yes you heard me ha...just...no. idk why I had to put this on here. if any prospect out there is wearing skinny jeans he's probably still in middle school, thus taking him right out of the "prospect" category.

2) can cook a little bahahaha...okay. so when I was in college I discovered that I actually love to cook for people...so this became hugely irrelevant. future hubz, if you're reading this (Ben? is that you?), I hope you don't mind free food because it's coming your way. and also, it's dericious.
3) will rub my back ya.....this still stands. amen. goodnight.
4) not obssessed with sports but still digs them ???????????? that's a direct quote, errybody. I just don't even know! My present self would like to salmon-slap my past self. But isn't that how it always is?

I'll leave you with a lyric from good ol' Ben Howard up there. In one of my favortiest songs by him, he says "I will become what I deserve." So to whoever's reading this...do that. Things will work out.

And that's a wrap.

Sorry I don't actually have prizes for those of you who finished this. If you live nearby, come get an otter pop! ...but not right now because I'm actually in my bed and everyone in my house is asleep. Ha! Can you imagine?

throngs of kenzie's blog readers showing up at her door, clamoring for an autograph otter pop....
(they sound the same! kind of)
parentals: you've gotta be karate-kidding me. it's 12 in the AM.
mckenzie: oh yes but they finished my entire pointless blog post about murrage because I am 100% (not) qualified to write posts about that!
parentals: ....................
mckenzie: .....................
parentals: