a brief explanation of some things on my camera roll in case I die or go missing in the future because I really need to justify myself in this regard

Everybody--ERRYBODY--has pictures on their camera roll which are hard to explain. They usually elicit the following responses when shown to others: "Whaaaaat?" or "I didn't deserve to see that" or just straight up "fjskla;fjafja;fa;" (haven't figured out how to actually make that sound yet).

You know what I mean. If the person you're showing the picture to wasn't there, they won't get it. And will therefore judge you.

I'm a firm believer in showing people one picture which they will surely understand, and then taking back your phone asap because nobody deserves to be judged by the other things on their camera roll without being able to explain.

Well, except for maybe certain celebrities (Miley Cyrus, I am lit'rally talking to you...because I know you read my blog).

If you are holding someone else's phone to look at one picture they have designated for your viewing delight, do them the courtesy of not scrolling through the rest of the pictures. I mean really.

Now that I've spent 5 paragraphs talking about why you shouldn't judge other people's camera rolls, I am going to reveal mine to you because of....well just BECAUSE, okay? #solidarity #orsomething?

Oh who am I kidding. It's to make you cry-laugh. That's why this blog EXISTS. And now, la leche, as they say in Spain, which means "the coolest crud you'll ever see."

you GUYZ. now this gas station in AF is a one-stop shop for all your shopping needs. You can fill up your car, get some foodstuffs, AND buy clothes. Maxi skirts, even. I wonder if they have chevron...I mean the skirt-pattern, not the gas station. #seewhatididthere

When my photo-editor asked me if I wanted this picture to be "small, medium, large, or x-large," I chose x-large. And I feel like that's all that needs to be said. Goodbye.

so my bff Chelsea moved into her apartment today. She's a little short on decorations right now, but at least she has these wooden figurines. One of them is reading in Braille. Guess which one. 

Earlier dis week I went to eat Mexican food with Eric-face. We didn't go to Beto's this time, so no "egg sacs" or "propels" this time. BUT I did happen upon this rotary phone by the register, which you can use to call Mexico apparently. I mean **Mexico** (the asterisks are relevant, you guys. I'll tell you why once I figure it out). P.S. Don't call Colombia unless you have $2,000 bones. And I think that only applies to you if you're Shakira. Yes, Shakira, I know you read my blog too. 

 Once upon a time I went on a date and it was amazeballs but the best part of all was when we went geo-caching and found this box of dinosaur toys and a note behind Taco Bell. I'm not racist but I was really hoping for some narcotics. I mean, the route was called "Run for the Border." What am I supposed to think?? Anyway. This note was inside. It was funny. The end. Props to Alan's hand which made this picture possible.

 We could ruminate on how awkward this picture is since I was "pretending to take a selfie in Costco because people take selfies in Costco all the time especially when sampling the delicious hors d'oeuvres" but what I really want to talk about is how that guy behind me LOOKS LIKE WOLVERINE. Don't worry, his hair was totally doing the stick-up thing and he was wearing boots. I'm sure he had a leather jacket somewhere. Like 89.7% sure.

One day we were at my grandparents' in Ogden and I said to myself "Self, you could really use some fiber right now. Because who doesn't need more fiber?" And then I found THESE. It was a Christmas Miracle. Just FYI, I didn't need fiber for about a week after consuming these.

One of the simple joys of life is trying to get wi-fi and then happening upon some excellent router names. For example, this one I found in the middle of Las Vegas. I mean really. Let's be best friends, whoever you are. I want to learn your thug ways. 

 The story goes like this: we went to San Diego. We ate lots of Mexican food. We went to CVS for the 2nd time in 3 hours. For the same thing (nail polish, don't judge). We went to an abandoned beach and it was dark. I was barefoot and in a dress. There was a huge rock and I didn't see it. The rock caused me to faceplant while making a very attractive "Hooomppphhaaaa" noise simultaneously. So I re-enacted that fall next to the sign "Unstable cliffs! Stay back!" Because we all know how I feel about unstable cliffs. #klutzbomb

 Part 1 in a series entitled "Awkward License Plates: A Retroactive Study in Sketchy Individuals." I read the Wall Street Journal too much. Or not enough??? You be the judge.

 So there was this one time, at Disneyland, we were getting onto Pirates for the 10,000th time (not sorry) and this girl was in front of us and I was like "hoolllllldddd up" and my friend Elise volunteered to pose with the back of her "shirt" and I snapped this glorious photo. Proof that people still think it's acceptable to wear their clothes even after they've run over them with a lawnmower. Except she didn't look like the lawnmowing type. 

 Look, it's my homie Elise again! This was at the beginning of our Disneyland trip (a.k.a. Orem). We needed some plastic knives for our cream cheese and bagels which we had recently purchased at Win-Co. Well obviously it was awkward to go through the drive-thru just for some knives. The girl helping us was super-confused (who, as you can see from this picture, actually turned out to be a guy. Oops).

"Hi, we'd just like some plastic knives."

"Some what? Kites?"

"Knives."

"Chives? This is McDonaldzzzzz."

"Knives! K-N-I-V-E-S."

"Huh?"

"You know, knives? Like with a blade?"

"Ohhh knives."

(we pull up, realize it's a guy. awkward.)

He says: "So you're the people with the knives, right?"

Alright, buddy. Way to make us sound like really, really disturbed people. AND he has that microphone thing. Honestly. Shout it from the rooftops, why don't you.

Earlier this summer I took it upon myself to climb Timp, which I did, and almost died upon doing so, and kind of did it by myself, but that's a different story. This is me at the trailhead with my amiga Okin. You can see it on my face: "What the carp am I doing?!" Yeah. I still don't know. What I did. Like. Why. 

But, still. Who wants to go again?! I'm serious. Please before it snows. Kbye.

 Part 2 in the series ""Awkward License Plates: A Retroactive Study in Sketchy Individuals." I'm thinking I could also calls this "Inappropriate License Plates: A Retroactive Study in People You Should Be Praying For."

I dunno why I keep throwing "retroactive" in there. Again, too much Wall Street Journal.

My BFF Chels and I made some tortillas to go with our deeelicous burritos. But I have a hard time making tortillas into circles. #notmexican 

 When I used to work at this certain law office with a slice of bacon on the sign (I'm dead serious, you can see it from the freeway and I'll show it to you ANYtime), I would get really ominous phone calls. Would you answer if this was on your caller I.D?! I actually ended up answering one time thinking it would be kind of fun to live a real life horror film. But the guy was super nice and also really confused when I told him his caller I.D. came up as "death." I asked him if he was friends with a little boy who wore giant glasses and stole figurines from churches. Negative, chief. I almost solved that one. 

IKEA sells these dolls to children. CHILDREN.

I'm sorry, but there is no way a face like that is comforting or gives a child warm fuzzies. 

That infamous night I went to Beto's, I happened upon this sticker on the back of someone's car. I hope it's not offensive to anyone who can speak Russian or whatever language that is....What I need to know is, what's with the possessed baby? Thoughts?

Well, as always, it's been real, you guys.

peace and blessinz'