I wrote this when my internet was down

There have been new developments in our little microcosm of the universe:

1) I had to check and see if I used "microcosm" correctly (still not sure)
2) Houston got offered a job in Arizona and he took it (after consulting me, but I knew all along we would be moving there, SO)
3) I started looking for jobs in Arizona and selling off my sweater collection
4) I read ten more books
5) I found out that I can get Hulu with my Spotify subscription fo' FREE. This is important for two reasons: Felicity and Seinfeld re-runs. Although I dunno if you can call it "re-runs" anymore since it's just streaming.....

UM? Could this blog post be dumber?

Yes. It could.

Because now I have the Felicity theme song in my head, and it's a bit reminiscent of Enya. Lots of "ayy-oooh-ahhh---oooh-ayyoo-ahh, ay-ahhhhhhhh"

Yeah.

Am I selling you on it?!

 

What about now?

Did you know that in Season 2 (or maybe 3?) of the show, Keri Russell chopped off her hair and then the ratings went down? Super interesting, I know.

Do you ever wonder why society cares so much about things that actually don't mean very much? Like some fictional character's haircut?

Or having working internet (as I stare anxiously at the spinning wheel next to my wifi signal)?

Me too. 

And now I'll leave you with some more Felicity pics to convince you that even though it's kind of a corny show and the ending is absolutely horrid (what was J.J. Abrams THINKING), you should still watch it. At least until the last season, which we will pretend does not exist.

Felicity after chopping dat hair off. Please notice the Aggressively 90s outfit on the left.

 there's soooooort of a love triangle in the show (but not really after season 1), and I am extremely Team Noel (rhymes with mole)

I don't remember this episode very well except I think Felicity shows up to a Halloween party looking scary and every other girl dressed up....slutty. 

I never said it was original, okay?!

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

spring, is that you, playa?!!

It stays light out past 5pm now, so I'm starting to think mayyyyybe the season I've been waiting for my whole life (winter feels like a lifetime) is on its way in.

All the giant mounds of snow in parking lots are slowly shrinking. I can hear birds singing. The grass is turning a greener shade of brown.

For some reason I just bought two new sweaters?? Maybe my subconscious mind just knew we still have about a month of wintery weather left. This is Utah, after all.

HAVE I REALLY SPENT HALF OF THIS BLOG POST TALKING ABOUT THE WEATHER?

Yes.

I have.

It's on my mind lately. You see, I might be moving somewhere soon where they only really have one season. Er....one and a half. Hot and not as hot. I'm really nervous. Everyone that knows me knows how much the seasons are tied to my happiness (which is stupid, really). I just think of the pioneers who had to leave their beloved beautiful city, Nauvoo, and walk all the way to Salt Lake, some of them dying on the way, only to arrive there and (probably) think, "This? We left Nauvoo for this?!"

God can make a wellspring from anything and anywhere! I know that. But faith, uggghhh why does it gotta be so hard?

It just do.

why I (sorta) quit true crime podcasts

I say sorta because I'm still currently listening to "Cold," but I know how that one ends, and it's more frustrating and sad than gruesome. Still doesn't explain why I like listening to frustrating and sad things, though.

Last year I had an abundance of time at work and nothing with which to fill it. So I started to listen to true crime podcasts, because I didn't have to pay very much attention to what was happening and I could still teach myself Adobe Illustrator or something. Until I did start paying attention, and then the things I was hearing were just too much. True, it has helped me to be more cautious--when I was in high school I would go running at night all the time, always alone, never with any sort of reflective gear on or mace or anything. Now I would never do that.

I have mixed feelings about this culture of fear that's so prevalent now, though! As a kid I was often sent outside for the entire day and most of the time my mom vaguely knew where I was (in the general neighborhood), but I didn't have a cell phone or a walkie talkie or GPS or anything. She just trusted that I would come home at the end of the day (and I did). As a teenager, my friends and I would have sleepovers where we'd usually end up walking around the neighborhood (at 1am) just because. That sounds insane to me now, but at the same time....

Is the world really a scarier place now than it was then? Is the risk higher? I'm not a parent yet, so I can't say for sure how I'll feel about letting my future kids run loose without really knowing where they are at all times, but I don't want them to be anxious. I don't want them to think that the possibility of bad things happening in the world is more likely than good things.

There are so many good things. We just don't ever talk about them.

 

 

On good days, if you trust life, life has to answer you.

— Albert Camus, from A Happy Death (Vintage, 1995)  

*goes running once* *has to take five ibuprofen before going to sleep*

 My anxiety has reared its ugly head once again, and this time, instead of lamenting about mental illness on Instagram, I decided to delete the app and go for a run. And now my FitBit actually has steps on it and I've remembered I have muscles in my shoulders for the first time in years and I feel like I'm moving towards something. Literally and not-so-literally.

Could this be strength?! Or something like it?

I could talk all day about how many good things I have pushed away because of anxiety and how little good that did me (shocker), but what I really wanna say is probably the most obvious thing in the world. Luckily, only three people still read this blog and one of them is me and the other is my mom.

You can't get over your anxiety by sitting in it. That's like saying you can't get dry if you keep sitting in a puddle. WOW AM I GOOD AT METAPHORS OR WHAT (definitely or what). 

You have to move.

I'm reading the Old Testament right now (for the first time ever, all the way through. I KNOW) and that book of scripture is basically just God asking his children to do the most anxiety-inducing things you can imagine. Abraham? Sacrifice your son. Abraham's wife? You're going to have to wait 100 years before you have a son. And then I'm going to ask your husband to sacrifice him. Oh, and can we talk about how infertility is a huge theme in the Old Testament? It's just...a lot. A lot of hard things these people had to go through. And that's not just in the Old Testament, but it's definitely got that theme of "sojurning in the wilderness while waiting on the Lord" kinda feel.

But none of the prophets you hear about in the Old Testament or their children or their wives sat around waiting for something to happen, waiting for God to bless them. They did what he asked, always, without waiting, and that kind of faith is exactly the kind I need to get over anxiety. To get past my own mental roadblocks that tell me "this thing is out of your control and therefore everything will go wrong."

Do you know how often that's true? 100% of NEVER.

The last thing I scribbled in my sketchbook was this note from my phone, and I have no idea where it came from (it's not from me, that's for sure):

You cannot see the gift in what you resist.

trying to be relatable AND poetic

This is my constant struggle.

But I guess a writer can be whatever they want, because I don't write for anyone else. Just for me. If it helps you or resonates with you or makes you laugh, gOOD.

But I don't do it for you.

Resolutions are on (most) everybody's minds at this time of year, but I gave up making a list of resolutions about 5 years ago. It just made me feel overwhelmed and like a failure as soon as I inevitably let one of my fifty lofty goals fall by the wayside.

Now I try to set one broad goal for the year that kind of encompasses who I want to become. Last year it was to pay attention more--which happened to encompass many of my spiritual, physical, and emotional goals. And I think I had more noticeable progression last year than I have in a while (at least, noticeable progression to me, which is all that matters).

I'm still not quite sure if I can put into words what my goals are for this year, but seeing as our family has some big changes coming soon (moving, graduating, getting new jobs, etc), I feel like my goal will probably have something to do with faith over fear.

Last year, and probably every year of my life so far, I made some decisions out of fear. I'm a pretty  anxious person (something I am trying to overcome), and any sort of change to my comfort zone results in my immediately feeling worried, out of control, and wanting to run away from it all. Not healthy, yo!

So even though I don't know where I'll be living or what I'll be doing in six months, I feel strangely calm about it all. I know it will all be fine.

*movie trailer voice* IN A WORLD OF SCREEN ADDICTS, ONE GIRL ATTEMPTS TO READ 50 BOOKS IN ONE YEAR. WILL SHE REALIZE HER DREAMS OR REALIZE THIS GOAL WAS A REALLY BAD IDEA? I MEAN REALLY GUYS, WAS THIS A MISTAKE?!

Wow, typing in all caps is almost as cringey as yelling IRL. Is it cringey or cringy? My computer is giving me the red squiggly lines for both, so it's definitely... an English word.

So yeah, like the title says: I needed a goal because I felt like my life was kinda devoid of goals or hobbies or things other than being cold and sad (see: the winter of 2017). So I decided, why not read 50 books in one year?! It requires no physical activity whatsoever (hrm, and my vital organs are like "CAN IT BE OUR TURN NEXT YEAR PLZ CUZ WE'RE GETTING TOO INSULATED IN HERE"). And it requires pretty much zero effort because I love reading and it's not one of those goals I actually dread accomplishing. I was excited! I hadn't read more than 10 books for pleasure since grad school had ended, so it was time. My D.I. book collection was beginning to swell and I work in a library for cryin' out loud! If I left this job without taking advantage of that fact, it would be one of those stay-awake-at-night-regrets, just like when I left that perfectly intact candy bar just sitting on the ground, uneaten (IT WAS IN A WRAPPER OKAY).

That's enough of the caps lock button.

In this selfsame year (lol, selfsame), a few other unexpected goals kinda just popped their heads out of the ground like gophers and I had no choice but to, well, do them.

At the October General Conference, Pres. Nelson asked us to read the Book of Mormon before the end of the year. My first thought: Youuuu sneaaaakyyy mom! Yes. Because I, like many others, was already well into my own reading of the BOM (Book of Alma, if you want to know) (but I know you don't). And I was like But I CAN'T start it over and read it all in 3 months?!!!!!!!

And then wouldn't you know it, but the first story in the Book of Mormon is about a guy who has no idea what he's doing half the time but he does it anyway and learns how to do things along the way and he even builds a ship without any prior experience and while his brothers are whining about how nothing is getting done, he gets it done.

YOU KNOW?!

So God had some more to teach me, after all. My institute teacher says that as soon as we assume we know why we're receiving revelation or what the outcome will be of that revelation, the inspiration stops. Because we think it's over! We hold up an umbrella while the rain keeps coming down. In summary: I have been holding up an umbrella for most of this year. Because I just assumed God was "done" talking to me.

Well, then my Goodreads goal said I was at 45 books on this day, December the 11th, and I thought, well, it's not the end of the world if I don't finish.

*looks in mirror*
*holds the side of the mirror aggressively*
"YOU WILL FINISH YOUR GOAL, MCKENZIE."

Usually setting goals and accomplishing them brings such a sense of accomplishment that I immediately want to set another crazy but fulfilling one! *cough* unrealistic *cough

I guess 2019 is the year of the Run.

Here we go again.

only time will tell...

do u ever take a hot shower late at night just to stay warm

Our bedroom is very cold.

The space heater sucks up way too much of the utility bill, so we've resorted to saran-wrapping the windows and using lots of fuzzy blankets. But sometimes I just want to let myself be enveloped in a boiling hot waterfall that practically melts my skin off. Ah, the comforts of being ALIVE.

Houston has set up his Outlook on my laptop and he likes notifications to be turned on (which is pretty much the opposite of how I like anything technology-related to be). If there is even ONE red number on my iPhone, I have to get rid of it immediately or I will whisper-scream at myself until it's gone. Anywho, my laptop now makes a little musical beep noise every time he gets an e-mail. Welll. He's in the business school (they're obsessed with sending emails, you would think they would just use LINKEDIN!!!!!!!!!!) (maybe if I type it in all caps with that many exclamation points, it will become a real scream that the business school administration will then hear and take action). And he's a TA for two classes. And he's a part of like two group projects right now. And he keeps secretly buying Christmas presents. AND THE POINT IS THE MUSICAL BEEPING HAS TURNED INTO A SYMPHONY FROM HELL

But


At least now when I'm using the laptop (like now) and he gets another notification, I can just tell him what it's about without him having to leave his studious cave. Just now I said, "Heyyyyy your test time has been confirmed, babe!"

He didn't hear me.