this post is sponsored by Back Rub Bribery©

Ellie asked me to proofread one of her "story boards" for school, which I guess is a chapter in a story she's writing. I have no idea what the title is, so feel free to conjure up your own in your imaginings. I laughed out loud about sixty times while reading it (yes, that is hyperbole, for once) and then asked her if I could publish it. She wailed "No, no, noooooo!" but with a smile on her face...? Talk about a confusing woman. So I bribed her. Duh.

Disclaimer: I refrained from editing this too much, besides some commas/periods, because it's way better that way. DUH. Again. "Duh" is one of those satisfying words that just echoes when it leaps off the tongue. Y'know?

Lessons in Making Slang Sound Beautiful: by McKenzie.

***

After six months, Bryan finally left juvie (translation: juvenile detention). He went strait to the place Cara was usually at. 

"She's sleeping," Bryan said. "This is my big chance. But I'm not prepared at all. My breath stinks."

Bryan hurried home very quickly. He didn't want to miss his big chance. But by the time he came back, she was already up. 

"DANGIT!" he shouted. "I missed my big chance! Wait a second...I'll kiss her at night! Sure she'll be asleep by then!"

Sure enough, Bryan was right. 

He used his brother's cologne so he smelled fabulous. He knelt down and started to pucker his lips. Every second he got closer, he felt like throwing up. He ate 10 tuna sandwiches half an hour ago! (see fig 1)

But he couldn't give up on his dream right now.

So he hurried and kissed her. But he kind of did it quick. 

"Aaaaaaaaa" Cara said. "Why would you throw up on me, you idiot!" 

"Sorry," he said nervously. "Bye!" He went running.

A couple days later from the throw-up accident, Bryan went up to Cara to apologize. She said it was okay and gave him a peanut butter sandwich.

"Mmm," Bryan said. "Thanks!"

"No problem," she said. "I got so much money last night because you threw up. I counted, $999,999,999,999. I bought myself a mansion. I'm rich now!" 

"What's going on with my cheeks?" Bryan asked. 

"Maybe you're allergic to peanuts," Cara said.

"How can I be allergic to peanuts??"

"Maybe because you kissed me." 

Sure enough, Cara was right. It was because he had kissed her. 

"How?" Bryan asked the doctor.

"It's because she is allergic to peanuts, so when you kissed her, she passed it onto you."

Fig 1: Bryan pigging out on tuna sandwiches under a...mobile???

***

And that, kids, is why you don't kiss. Not anybody! Ever! Otherwise you may never get to enjoy peanut butter again.