shtuff my little siblings say

Many moons ago, when I was a wee 17 year old, I had a section of my journal that I dedicated solely to the things my little broski and sister said. Because somebody had to be the Keeper of the Blackmail in our family, and I figured it might as well be me.

Some excerpts are taken from my mama's old blog, and told in her voice. Rrreeady and letzgo.

Caleb's Greatest Hits
A couple weeks ago, I picked him up from Aaronic Priesthood meetings, and he said to me, very matter-of-fact, "Kenzie, you're like the only hipster in our family. You like...have swag." I don't think he even knows what swag means, but. Okay. 

Caleb, texting me: "So are you dating Tinder now?"
Me: "Huh? Oh, Tinder isn't a person."
Caleb: "But your Instagram said something about Tinder."
Me: "Tinder is just an app that tells you what single people are in your area."
Caleb: "Oh yeah. I'm getting to that age."
Me: "You're way too young for Tinder, bucko."

Caleb, during scripture study: So God knows everything?
Dad: Yes, everything.
Caleb: So then He must've memorized the Gettysburg Address!

Caleb: So we could inherit everything God has?
Dad: Yes, everything.
Cal: So even God's fancy cars??!

In 2009
Mom: Cal, what college do you want to go to?
Caleb: The same college McKenzie is going to.
Dad: What if you could go to Harvard or Columbia in NYC on a scholarship?
Cal (thinking about it): Yeah! Then I'd live close to Pennsylvania so I could get some of those big soft pretzels!

(The following story is told from my mom's point of view, after my parents let the kids watch a particularly terrifying episode of Planet Earth. A.K.A. animals eating other animals. Wolves, to be exact)

"Caleb has been fixated on the topic of wolves ever since. When Caleb gets focused it is near impossible to pry his little mind off of a topic.

Every day since then Scott and I have entertained not a few conversations on the subject.
Here are a few of my favorites to date.

Upon hitting his head on a bench at school last week he declared to his father. "The back of my head feels funny. Like a wolf bite."

And yet another....
"Mom, what if wolves came into our house?" To which I replied,"Cal there are no wolves in this area."
"They live in Utah mom!"
"They live further north of here."
"But what if they did?"
"The only reason a wolf would get all the way down to our neighborhood would be if he was hungry and couldn't find any food between here and were he lives hundreds of miles away."
"What if he was hungry?"
Me (getting a little exasperated): "Cal the only way a wolf could come in our door is if we let him in. If I can manage to keep our dog out of the house I think I can keep a wolf out."
"But wolves are stronger than our dog."
Sigh. "Honey, that is just so unlikely. I am 42 years old and I have never known anyone who had a wolf come into their house."
"I bet grandpa knows someone who did."

And tonight's was a highlight as well. Caleb had a soda he had picked up at the school carnival on Friday which he was saving. After opening it up and taking a sip he exclaimed, "This Sprite is very spritey! I don't like it!" 

I replied, "Yeah, soda has carbonation in it and that's what makes it so fizzy. I don't like it much either."

"Mom, what if you poured Sprite down a wolves' mouth?"
"I don't know Cal what if?" (Scott has started laughing. I am not laughing. I have had perhaps 50 versions of this conversation and the humor is lost on me)
To which Caleb replied, "If you made a wolf drink Sprite would it kill him? You know the carbonation?"
"I don't know son. I don't think anyone has tried to give a wolf Sprite."

Caleb, whilst riding in the car: What the heck, Ellie! (but he didn't say heck)
Parents: Cal, heck is a swear word. 
Caleb: Oh. Well can I say 'sweet sister Francis' then?

Ellie: "Zack says he's gonna marry me when I grow up."
Mom:" He did ?!"
Ellie: "Yeah, he says when I get big we're getting married."
Caleb:"When I get big I want a yellow Mustang. How much will that cost me?"
Dad: "About $32,000"
Cal:"Can I start working for you and Mom so I can have enough money to buy my car now? I am tired of going in the slow lane."
Dad:" Cal, how old do you have to be to drive a car?' 
Cal: "16. Well, if you guys pay me for doing extra chores I could have enough." 
Mom:"Son we would have to give you over $3,000 a year for you to make enough." 
Cal:"Well, can you please start doing that?" 
Mom: "No." 
Cal:"I want to start a lemonade stand tomorrow. Can you and Dad buy me some lemonade so I can sell it?"

Ellie's Filterless Mind
Ellie, 2 weeks ago (no context...but then again I never get context): "Kenzie, I can't believe you're not butter."

Ellie: "Mom. If you put a rubber band in your mouth what will happen?"
Mom: "You might choke."
Ellie: "Yeah, and then I would go to sleep."
Mom: "No you wouldn't go to sleep, but you might stop breathing and then you could die."
Ellie: "Jesus died"
Me: "Yes, but he didn't choke on a rubber-band."
Ellie: "Yeah, Jesus knows how to eat good food."

(As told by my mom) Once when doing the laundry Ellie asked me what a certain article of clothing was. I explained that it was for women. She concluded that this meant that the article itself was in-fact called "A Woman" and that you wear it on "your Womans." [Writer's Sidenote: my dad only furthered this delusion by also calling them "Womans"]. Sunday I took the kids over to the young-adult ward to hear their dad speak. We sat next to McKenzie. In the middle of his talk Ellie exclaimed "Your womans are HUGE!" I consoled my eldest daughter by telling her that no one else knows what Ellie means. Until now. Sorry.

A few months ago, at the breakfast table:
Cal: Kenzie, did you have a boyfriend once?
Ellie: Yeah, did you?
Me: Umm yes.
Caleb: do you have one now?
Me: no.
Ellie: but you've had one before?! is he your EX boyfriend now?
Me: can we change the subject?
Ellie: have you ever talked to a hippopotamus before?

Ellie: Do you have an imaginary friend?
Me: No...do you?
Ellie: Yeah. She calls herself Rosa Parks.

Ellie, to moi: When you get married I'm totally going to take your bedroom. [pause] So get a date!

Ellie: Could a zero-year-old do karate?
Caleb: With God's power!

Me: The remote is over here if you want it.
Ellie: Thank you for saving my life.

Ellie: Mom's favorite ride at Disneyland is the one with the pirates.
Me: That's my favorite too!
Ellie: Wanna know what my favorite ride is? "The Hug Kenzie Ride."

Ellie, in family prayer while I was away at school: ...And please bless Kenzie not to get drunk. Or be rude to people.
Mom: Um....Ellie?
Ellie, opening one eye: Well, just in case!

Friday, April 10, 2009. 7:40 a.m.

Ellie: Why is it Easter?

Mom: Because Jesus died and then he came out of the tomb

Ellie: Yeah. Because somebody zapped him.

Mom: What? Did you say zapped him?

Ellie: Yeah, zapped him. Bibbity, bobbity, boo!

(When Ellie was 5 years old; as told by my mom): Yesterday morning I walked through the door after an early temple session. Ellie was waiting for me on the other side. She said,"Mom! Where did you go?" I said,"To the temple." She said,"Was Jesus there?" I said,"Yes." and then she she dropped to her knees, gave a trademark scowl of disappointment and said, "OH! I wanted to see Jesus!"

And, for the finale, a story Ellie wrote about Griffey, our dog, when she was a baby (still is...but, you know):

fall is upon us

I posted this on the internetz last year and some girl said she was getting a tattoo of it. HA. /end tangent

Errybody's like "IT'S SEPTEMBER FIRST YOU ANIMALS." And yeah, maybe loving fall is a "blogger cliche" or whatever, but I'm willing to give up my reputation as a non-normal-blogger and just say, on the record, that fall is that thing for me.

Every year when September first comes, it's preceded by a week or so of that bone chill, that gets right down into your sneakers and makes you think "Huh. Maybe I should start wearing hoodies...?" So you do. And then by 3pm you're melting out of your skin. Too excited. I fell for it, too. I wore a sweater two weeks ago because it was raining when I woke up. And when I got home the sweater went right back into hibernation.

This weekend I drove, drove, drove, right past the second star to the right if you know what I'm saying. And pretty soon I was in the Cache Valley National Forest (for those of you not privy to Utah-speak, Cache is pronounced like the monies). Just the drive there smacked me upside the head with FALL. IT IS FALL, everyone. My grandma told me "nature knows what season it is." I mean, yes. But her corn has already shriveled up. It knows. The mountains are turning over now.

You know fall has a smell, right? The smell of decay and burning and orange sky. That smell. It's my childhood. We would run down the streets by our house until the sun dipped just below the horizon line, the shadows turning into warped shapes and creepy ghouls if we wanted them to (we always wanted them to). Liz and I read and re-read "The Witches." Everybody in our vicinity became a witch. I pulled the worn-down books about haunted things off the bookshelf. We had books about haunted things! That is no hyperbole.

Now all I want to do is take my bike, Topanga, and ride around campus. Being on campus in the fall is one of the best things. I always get jealous (!) of every student everywhere when fall begins. If anyone wants to buy me a new notebook and pencil I will love you for thinking of me in this trying time. Ha. If you see me lurking in the BYU library, plz come say hi. Next year I will join you there as a student. And I probably won't be as poetic about school as I'm being now. 2 years without schooling DOES things to you, man.

Last fall was downright beautiful. For the books! But I was depressed. I was in a funk, which lasted clear 'til this summer. I'm glad that I went through everything I did, though. It made me stronger (I hope). That's right--I can bench 200 lbs now! Alright. JK. But you know what I'm saying. This fall will be a little different; just as beautiful, though.

And now, some autumn-y pictures to take us out.

“October Country . . . that country where it is always turning late in the year. That country where the hills are fog and the rivers are mist; where noons go quickly, dusks and twilights linger, and mid-nights stay. That country composed in the main of cellars, sub-cellars, coal-bins, closets, attics, and pantries faced away from the sun. That country whose people are autumn people, thinking only autumn thoughts. Whose people passing at night on the empty walks sound like rain. . . .” 
― Ray Bradbury, The October Country

Aaand just for funzies: last year's Labor Day post, having nothing whatsoever to do with fall. I can keep it real. Yes I can.

(everyone on the internet on September 30th, 11:59pm)

(everyone on the internet on October 1st)

my entire summer in selfies

If I was going into 5th grade this year and had to write my "What I Did This Summer" essay, it would just be a compilation of selfies. Conceited? Mmm....no. Because with each of these pictures comes a story which perfectly sums up the summer. And while we're on the subject, why did summer have to go so fast anyway? August 19th?! EW.

My family went on a 2-week trip to the PNW, so I chopped off my hair as a passive-aggressive response. Nat'rally. And by the looks of it, my eyebrows are gone, too. What the actual heck.

That one time I used Tinder to show everyone on the internet that I could make faces like this. The eye-crossing trick is genetic. Thanks mom! 

I got this weird sore throat virus...in May. Honestly. So I sounded like Liza Minelli for a few days, which was super great, except that not many people in my generation know who that is, so the reference was lost. However, what wasn't lost during this dark time was my ability to make the turtle face (this is also my "I just got asked on a date via text message by someone who referred to himself as my future husband" face).

90's dance party you say? Put on red lipstick I shall! And curl my hair. By the end of the evening, it was completely flat on one side. I guess that's pretty true to the 90's style. Also, this was the night I discovered a Rita's in Provorem, and I think I told everyone in the car that "I wanted to be alone" with my dessert. #bless

For my mom's birfday, she just wanted to hike Cecret Lake. So we did. And it took me way longer than necessary because I couldn't stop taking pictures. My #1 favorite part of summer is hiking! And post-hike napping of course. 

Have you ever tried hamping? 10/10 would recommend. Simply shine your lights into everyone's tents on the mountainside at 1am until you find a suitable spot! Actually don't do that. It's kind of rude. Buuuut it was unintentional on our part. 

Sarah y yo went to high schoolz together, but we didn't reunite until this very year. This night we (me, her, and Caitlyn) ate an entire carton of Graham Canyon. This was our second bowl I think. But who's counting. 

The summer of live shows. Twenty One Pilots has yet to be beaten. I like these pictures because there are about 50 of them, and all of us are moving around and shtuff but Trent's face does not change. Ever. Thumbs up emoji.

On this fine day, I was sitting on Caitlyn's bed, telling her a great story about candles, and got excited, jumped up, and banged my head on the bottom of her bookshelf. Hashtag concussed. I dunno what I said that night but I'm sure Caitlyn has immortalized it in her phone. She supposedly has lots of blackmail on me??? Just found this out, BTW. Sigh. 

The hike of all hikes. Timp. This time I swore I would sleep beforehand. But did I? Oh heck no. Hence this face, somewhere between exhaustion and a complete mental breakdown.

Grotto Fallz! After this hike, I sped home to a mission-call opening. Heather's mission call opening! Also, plz note Kenzie's face in the background. And just so you know, I wear my backpack in the front like a mama kangaroo because I like it there. 

Ran 9 miles. Drank a gallon of Powerade in about 2 minutes. Went to see "The Fault in Our Stars." Cried out all the Powerade. 

WHY AM I AWAKE ON TOP OF A MOUNTAIN AT 6AM?!

4th of July week was insane in the membrane. I bought this wolf t-shirt to compensate. Then I wore it in the woodsen like a real Portlandia nerd. Gosh, who am I?

After-temple selfie. I'm not mad, I just tried to look serious and that's what happened. I've given up on making similar faces for my future engagement pictures. I don't want to look constipated in those photos. 

Also, the temple. It took me all summer, but I'm no longer in training. And it really is the best non-job job I have ever had. 

The summer of eating too much not enough pizza

And chips and salsa. Here I am at one of the many wedding receptions I frequented this summer. Oh, Utah.

My friend Caitlyn got her endowments on this day! Afterwards I foolishly went to work in my church clothes. And heels. Such smart. Very wisdom. 

I finally got a new bike and broke it in when I joined the ward's biker gang. Note: do not attempt selfies while biking. You'll probably die.

It takes me approximately 2 days to drink one of those half gallons of juice. Here is my "I don't regret carrying this juice around with me" face. All summer long, baby (p.s. wearing a beanie because it rained, and that justifies beanie wearing).

We hiked Dixie Rock and I made a dinosaur face while nobody was looking. What else is new. P.S. that girl on the far left is now murried! I went to her reception too, in case you were wondering. I'm sure you were('nt).

"I'm not a fan of the 'stache." -my little sister, to me last night

Things to Do in Rexburg At 12am: Part One of a Series

I don't have a mustache. Sometimes I wish I did, so I could really be a hipster and participate in No-Shave November (oh wait...I can...). I do have peach fuzz, which is barely visible, thank you very much. But Ellie has no filter (#related), so she just says things. She tried to recover by saying "Uhh I was talking to Caleb." Caleb has had a mustache since age 2. But, I digress.

This morning I woke up to the most evil birds that have ever been birthed from an egg. ???? I was about to get my flamethrower that I don't have and start a forest fire in our backyard. Don't those birds know what I went through this weekend?! HUH!

Well they don't...but I'm about to tell you. So maybe next time we can prevent this "McKenzie getting woken up at the crevasse of dawn by evil ravens that aren't quoting Edgar Allen Poe, otherwise she would probably like them instead of trying to shoot them out of the tree with a bow and arrow." YA FEEL ME?!

On Friday evening, I went to a BBQ with some wardies. I decided to wear a skirt because it's really hot and I actually hate being hot. A nice 75-80 degrees tops is my limit. Hashtag never living in Arizona, yo. Anyway, back to the BBQ and not my skirt. I went to the park down the street from my house, and nobody was there. So I sun-tanned burned my exposed leggies for a little bit until I realized the BBQ was happening at the other end of the park. Upon arriving there, I got into a great discussion about awkward break-ups, which was spawned by this video. Jimmy Fallon=the template for my future husband (hopefully my future husband is reading this).

One of the best awkward break-up stories was told by my amiga, Marlaina. She said that she broke up with this boy and then he cradled her in his arms whilst singing "Somebody That I Used to Know." For an hour. A FULL HOUR. And she broke up with him, so she was trying to get him to leave, but he just wouldn't. #bless

Then the rest of the night went down like the Hindenburg. Such a terrible joke. Woof.

9:30pm- #Trenterz (all that needs to be said)
11pm-awkward gas station incident
11:30pm- try not to fall asleep
12am- grocery store for a hoagie and some orange juice. and newspapers for a fire we never started.
12:30am- drive up the canyon into the woods....for an hour.
12:45am- stop at a campsite, disturb some people in their tents (accidentally), decide our hammocks deserve a more woodsy spot, drive further up the mountain
1:00am- shine our flashlights into the trees until we see a good spot. set up hammocks.
2:00am- fall asleep in hammocks/sleep-talk for a little bit and scare off the woodland creatures

Don't you wish your life was like mine? #whatissleep

Then on Saturday, because of the night before, I took a nap at 12pm, and another nap at 3pm. I think maybe I'm part sloth. Why fall in love when you can fall asleep? (put that on my tombstone) OMG I know what my next doodle is going to be.

Speaking of those doodles, I'm still working on opening an esty because people I don't know have started requesting these drawings, which cracks me up immensely. Basically what you guys are paying for is "excerpts from McKenzie's filterless mind." Wow, when I first typed that out it looked like "flirtless," which is also accurate. Eggplant emoji.

Oh yeah. And I can't forget about The Saga of McKenzie's Flat Tire. The story goes like this: my front left tire was completely bald, unbeknownst to me (squinty-eyed emoji showing all of its teeth). I drove all over on Saturday, including all the way to the SLC airport and back again. I'm 99.9% sure my mom prayed for me that day, because my tire definitely should have blown out on the freeway in the middle of the night. But it didn't. It went flat rather anticlimactically (holy carp what is that word) about 10 minutes from my apartment, and my lovely friend Kenzie came and picked me up.

R.I.P. you dumb old donkey tire (which took a few days to get off, yay)

Prayer works. Service rocks. Sleep is good.

Thus concludes another weird post from McKeezy McSteezy (huh?).

am I a complex carb because I am slowly breaking down #summer

Here is a brief list of the most common questions I get asked throughout the day:

1. How do you come up with this stuff?
2. How are you so funny?
3. What goes on in that head of yours?
4. Are you okay?
5. No, really? 
6. Can you move please?
7. Did you know you have something on your face? Answer: "If you're referring to the hotness on my face then ya it's permanent and my parents put it there. Thanks parents for your DNA" (jk I don't say that I usually cover up my whole face and run to the nearest mirror).
8. Wanna go get tacos?

I always appreciate getting asked number 8. I don't have answers for 1-2. Number 3, welp, you know what goes on in that head of mine. It looks like an episode of Spongebob + a little bit of sleep deprivation mixed in. Also, no filter. This has been discussed. 

Summer has melted away. Like, lit'rally, we're at that phase now when my steering wheel burns me every time I drive, and I actually get blisters on my fingertips. Why do people live in Arizona? This is a serious question for my friends who have lived there (Kaitlyn and Alyssa, mostly). 

I haven't done a "weird things found on my camera roll" post in awhile. And since I am still kind of recovering from the hike to Mt. Doom Mt. Timpanogos on Saturday, I can't think of anything to write. So, PICTURES. Or, more accurately, "the outtakes of McKenzie's life."

jumping pictures are difficult. also, leggings as pants? ehhhhh

I purposely take the long way home through Alpine Loop at least once a week. Plz somebody find me a mountain man to build me a cabin up there. We will live there with our babies and I will make them papooses. Wouldn't you like to live a life with PAPOOSES?! Me too.

4evz chasing sunsets.

last year, Georgia+Eric+myself came up here on a summer night like this one, and Eric did a handstand in front of the temple. Right there by the fence. And I think we started quoting Muppet Treasure Island or somefin. Man, we are appropriate. #not

One night like 2 weeks ago, I found myself on another hike, and my view was obscured by trees. Silly trees. It's like I was in the forest or something. Anyway, I hiked up in the mud where I wasn't supposed to be hiking. I was really hoping for a mountain goat sighting for my sacrifice. Sigh. 

Kevin. Eating chicken pot pie with the biggest spoon available. Moment of silence for how great Kevin is. 

Should I have put this one on Instagram? Dangit. I should have. 

The best/worst purchase I ever made was that wolf t-shirt. #pineconemustache

WE MADE RAVIOLI. Because we're domesticated.

Wait, I take that back. I killed a cactus. And as my friend Clay loved to point out to me, I killed "one of the most independent plants on the planet." So, pat on the back to me and my black thumb. Blacker than Michael Jackson, pre-1990. YA FEEL? p.s. Trent you were right when you said I was gonna kill it. :(

I found this on my car one day. Unless "Jeremy" is Bill Gates' alias then no, I'm not gonna call him. KTHXBYE.

?????

Sooo sleep deprived! Those bags under my eyes are designer. Heh. Heheh. Man I'm tired.