what the cuss???

Just now my friend Caitlyn came to work to visit me. I was in the back, placing an order on my computation machine. Here is our conversation:

Caitlyn: so what are you doing tonight?
me: oh sh*******zzzzz (I said the fake swear but I should probably still censor)
Caitlyn: .....
me: going to the temple.
Caitlyn: ??????
me: my computer almost closed the tab I was working on. But it didn't.

I mean.

About a month ago I hit someone with my car. I say it like I'm talking about picking up grapes at the grocery store. Well, it wasn't like that. Although it did happen next to a grocery store. ANyway. I am now uber-paranoid when it comes to turning right at intersections because you never know when a pedestrian, or worse, a bicyclist WITHOUT A HELMET will jump/ride/cartwheel out in front of your car and BAM.

Nobody got hurt (except my car, of course..poor thing) because I was going 2 MPH and it basically just knocked her over. But I just want everyone to know that anytime you hit someone/something with your car, it will sound like you've killed them. There will be no doubt in your mind that you've murdered someone with your car. Even if the "someone" happens to be a cone in the road. The impact of your car+something slightly smaller=you guilt tripping for at least a month on the almost-death you caused. It's a situation.

Other times I have said "It's a situation":
1) when looking in the mirror after a workout (or before a workout. so basically anytime)
2) when accidentally swiping right on Tinder
3) when buying ice cream+feminine hygiene products in the same trip (said to the checkout person)
4) when accidentally running my cart into the back of a really cute boy's shopping cart because I was too busy staring at him to steer (YES THIS REALLY HAPPENED)
5) when my little sister asks me how my dating life is (at least once a week)
6) when I'm trying to unlock the door to my apartment and my bladder is full and I can't find my keys

look down at my phone and realize what my priorities are

what I texted my brother after the Ducks lost