mo(re popcorn plz)vie night: guardians of the galaxy

cats waking up computers is my favorite thing

It took long enough, but I finally sat down to watch Guardians of the Galaxy. All of my friends went and saw it without me multiple times, but in the end I watched it with my parents. They're really good movie night compadres, you know. My mom was an actress and my dad studied screenwriting. So. #moviesnobs (all of us up in here)

I'm currently in the mood to barf up everything I eat (new medication, hooolllaaa), so this seemed like a good activity. You know. Watching a film and taking notes on it and not thinking about how I'm hungry at all times but everything makes me want to gag. Even EGGS, which are my #1 most consumed food. Ehh terrible grammar, plz forgive me, I am not well.

When I stare at my eggs (wow that did not sound okay or right at all), I imagine them turning into something better, like a cheeseburger, which 5 minutes later also makes me wanna puke. 

The other night I was at Wal-Mart and my stomach was complaining at me, bein' like "Yoooo Kenzie, hook me up with some nutrients! I'm gonna send a signal to your brain soon that makes you run into a pole if you don't give me food!" (that has happened before) So, panic-stricken, I grabbed the first thing that sounded good: chocolate milk. I call it "chalkie milk" but that's beside the point. Well, okay, maybe I said "CHALKIE MILK!" out loud in a panicky voice as I reached for it, and the old guy standing nearby kinda looked at me as if to say "What fresh hell is this?" I know, old guy. I know. Dis how I feel:

Alright, so, onto this movie "review" (loose term for what I've written below). Spoiler alert: I give it 5 stars, 2 Stanley Nickels, and 1 Unicorn.

All of this came from the 2 pages of notes I took during the movie. I'm sorry that I'm citing my sources, even if the sources are me. Can't help it (English major 5ever).

******

(the asterisks make me look like I know what I'm doing)

Firstly, what the heck, Mitchum Huntsberger is in this??????? Only for 5 minutes, but boy does he look different in flannel.

..or therapy, cuz your wife is CGI and your son just got sucked into outer space

*but is he really the father?!???!?? or some random uncle?

My sincere reaction when I saw Starlord's mom on the hospital bed: "Why is his mom a mannequin? Or is she supposed to be a robot...?" My dad: "Shush!" I guess I'm the most insensitive human ever. Dear CGI, why you gotta do me like that?????? That's my real-life excuse too, like when I mistake a manly-woman for a man. "Heheh sorry...it's just the CGI." People will believe that, right?

When they talk about using a thesaurus and say "it's a metaphor" this is all I can think of:

ugh. Augustus 4ever (not really though because....oh shoot...who here hasn't read that book?)

And back to the current movie at hand...

I could really use one of those automatic armor things that jet-blasts you out of a dangerous situation. Or maybe like when you see your crush and you're buying tampons! OR WORSE, YOUR PROFESSOR. Yeah, that would be handy.

This entire place looks like the cover of a Boston album.

Am I right??

WAIT KIRK IS IN THIS TOO?!? (another Gilmore Girls character...like Mitchum...geesh) And Merrill from The Walking Dead. EEEEEE. Who has a glowing red stick of butter on his head. That makes him slightly less intimidating. But I still hate his guts (only made it through that show for 2.5 seasons, BT-dubz).

Why is the tree drinking water?

Oh.

Tree+raccoon with attitude=already been done before

I could comment on this picture for various reasons.

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I'd just like everyone to know that I put on lip stain before this movie and one hour into it, the lip stain is still going' strong! (This actually proves nothing)

*commercial break over*

Also Chris Pratt is the Starlord cuz he barely blinked when he got kicked in the crotch. Apparently it was like getting hugged by a Care Bear.

Okay, let me explain why Mike Birbiglia is up here. I JUS now realized that he plays Patrick, the leader of support group, in The Fault in Our Stars (a movie I reference earlier in this blog post, WHAT). I googled Mike Birbiglia cuz he has a funny quote about what it feels like to get kicked there. It would've proven my point about Chris Pratt being the Starlord because of his reaction to aforementioned verbosity. gET IT?! What is this life????? Also, he sorta looks like Andy Dwyer in this pic. Also played by Chris Pratt. My brain hurts. Gotta go take a quick break and eat a smoothie.

****

(more asterisks. indicative of a long pause.)

When Groot stuck his branches up that Blue Man Group Troll's nose I wanted to sneeze sODANGbad. Film is so powerful, guys.

Why do bad guys always have big chins? Jay Leno isn't a terrible human (or is he...wait don't tell me I want to stay innocent), but his chin would suggest otherwise, based on the logic of every Hollywood movie ever.  OR if you're watching The Living Scriptures videos, big nosed guys are the evil ones. Those Pharisees were like olden-day Owen Wilsons. Wow. What was that sentence even.

doesn't he look like he's ready to throw some innocent person into prison? especially with that rose shirt on. And the wind blowing his perfect coif in the wind.

Coif is a great word.

Back to the movie.

Oh man. I love slow-mo gun throws. <<-I think I just made up a new bumper sticker!

Footloose reference?! Yes. 10/10 stars. Whatever that means. I'm just going to say it: I love Footloose. The original. Even that ridiculous scene when Kevin Bacon does really dramatic back flips in a wife beater...in the Lehi Roller Mills. Like wth??!?

unfortunately I stumbled on this picture while trying to find the gif of Kevin Bacon dancing in Footloose. 

Halfway through the movie I realized I'm still wearing a bra.
*adjustment*
Me, out loud to no one in particular: "This movie just got 10x better!"

So there's an idea. If you're ever watching a movie for the first time (or you're doing any activity for the first time) and you don't know how lame it might be, keep your bra on. Halfway through, take your bra off and the movie will either go from bad to okay or awesome to amazing. TRY IT.

This purple orb thing would make an excellent flashlight. But not as good as Trent's. Ask him about his flashlight sometime. If you have like an hour to spare.

My mom, at the end of the movie: "What is a turd blossom?"

Just don't think about it.

          

          

Chris Pratt for President.