"cried but did the thing anyways": an award I think we should start giving people

Sometimes my knees get sore from praying so much. Sometimes it seems like they're never not going to be sore. 

Sometimes I sit down at night to write in my journal and I just sit there and cry, because life is beating me up. I don't think anyone should be ashamed to admit that they're sad or that they cry a lot. It's not a disease to be emotional. 

I've recently wondered why the world mocks those who are sensitive and calls them "overly emotional." Too soft. I'd rather cry about things that are obviously painful then hide all that emotion behind a stoic face and pretend I'm not hurting. I know we shouldn't be easily offended or let people walk all over us, but we also shouldn't be afraid to feel.

Which brings me to my next point.

Sometimes I trust people too easily (sometimes meaning always). It's one of those blessing/curse traits I possess. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. That's why I went running every night by myself when I was 15. #notsmart 

Sometimes I'm left scratching my head at how I could've missed something--how could I have trusted someone so easily and given them my whole heart and then they gave it back to me...after they stuck it in the blender. When this happens I usually retreat and decide not to talk to anyone for a few days. I'm learning how to stand up for myself.

There's a fine balance between feeling what you feel and then standing up for it. 

I let people push me around because I want to be "the nice one." So far that hasn't worked at all. I give and give everything until I'm completely empty and then of course I get crushed. I'm working on being a little more bold and saying "Hey. That hurt my feelings." That HURT. Ouch. You can't see it bleed but it's bleeding. It's keeping me up at night and making my stomach hurt. It's making me wonder if I should ever try to make friends again. 

I'm learning to rely more on the Savior than I have in the past. I can't rely on anyone else as completely as I can rely on Him. I'm learning this, but it's a slow process. And yes, painful. 

I think it's teaching me this very important lesson which I have learned the hard way many times:

“In a dating and courtship relationship, I would not have you spend five minutes with someone who belittles you, one who is constantly critical of you, one who is cruel at your expense and may even call it humor. Life is tough enough without the person who is supposed to love you leading the assault on your self-esteem, your sense of dignity, your confidence, and your joy. In this person's care, you deserve to feel physically safe and emotionally secure.” -Jeffrey R. Holland

For the purposes of this blog post, you can edit out "dating and courtship" and just say "relationship." And I would also venture to say that the "someone who belittles you" in this quote can also be you. If you had a friend who talked to you the way you talk to yourself, would you still be friends with that person? Think about it. And soon enough the people you surround yourself with will either treat you the same way you treat yourself orrr they'll fall out of formation because you know you're worth more than the way they are treating you (sorry for that huge run-on sentence. so very sorry). They won't be able to stay. Which is lame, but a part of being a mature adult. 

Don't worry, I'm definitely writing this on my bed with a pile of laundry next to me. Lest you think I'm a fully matured adult.

I know. This is hard stuff to swallow. It's hard to write. But someone had to get it out there, and since I'm struggling with it, I figured...MIGHT AS WELL BE ME! When I have ever missed out on the opportunity to share my opinion?

Never, is when.