my entire summer in selfies

If I was going into 5th grade this year and had to write my "What I Did This Summer" essay, it would just be a compilation of selfies. Conceited? Mmm....no. Because with each of these pictures comes a story which perfectly sums up the summer. And while we're on the subject, why did summer have to go so fast anyway? August 19th?! EW.

My family went on a 2-week trip to the PNW, so I chopped off my hair as a passive-aggressive response. Nat'rally. And by the looks of it, my eyebrows are gone, too. What the actual heck.

That one time I used Tinder to show everyone on the internet that I could make faces like this. The eye-crossing trick is genetic. Thanks mom! 

I got this weird sore throat virus...in May. Honestly. So I sounded like Liza Minelli for a few days, which was super great, except that not many people in my generation know who that is, so the reference was lost. However, what wasn't lost during this dark time was my ability to make the turtle face (this is also my "I just got asked on a date via text message by someone who referred to himself as my future husband" face).

90's dance party you say? Put on red lipstick I shall! And curl my hair. By the end of the evening, it was completely flat on one side. I guess that's pretty true to the 90's style. Also, this was the night I discovered a Rita's in Provorem, and I think I told everyone in the car that "I wanted to be alone" with my dessert. #bless

For my mom's birfday, she just wanted to hike Cecret Lake. So we did. And it took me way longer than necessary because I couldn't stop taking pictures. My #1 favorite part of summer is hiking! And post-hike napping of course. 

Have you ever tried hamping? 10/10 would recommend. Simply shine your lights into everyone's tents on the mountainside at 1am until you find a suitable spot! Actually don't do that. It's kind of rude. Buuuut it was unintentional on our part. 

Sarah y yo went to high schoolz together, but we didn't reunite until this very year. This night we (me, her, and Caitlyn) ate an entire carton of Graham Canyon. This was our second bowl I think. But who's counting. 

The summer of live shows. Twenty One Pilots has yet to be beaten. I like these pictures because there are about 50 of them, and all of us are moving around and shtuff but Trent's face does not change. Ever. Thumbs up emoji.

On this fine day, I was sitting on Caitlyn's bed, telling her a great story about candles, and got excited, jumped up, and banged my head on the bottom of her bookshelf. Hashtag concussed. I dunno what I said that night but I'm sure Caitlyn has immortalized it in her phone. She supposedly has lots of blackmail on me??? Just found this out, BTW. Sigh. 

The hike of all hikes. Timp. This time I swore I would sleep beforehand. But did I? Oh heck no. Hence this face, somewhere between exhaustion and a complete mental breakdown.

Grotto Fallz! After this hike, I sped home to a mission-call opening. Heather's mission call opening! Also, plz note Kenzie's face in the background. And just so you know, I wear my backpack in the front like a mama kangaroo because I like it there. 

Ran 9 miles. Drank a gallon of Powerade in about 2 minutes. Went to see "The Fault in Our Stars." Cried out all the Powerade. 

WHY AM I AWAKE ON TOP OF A MOUNTAIN AT 6AM?!

4th of July week was insane in the membrane. I bought this wolf t-shirt to compensate. Then I wore it in the woodsen like a real Portlandia nerd. Gosh, who am I?

After-temple selfie. I'm not mad, I just tried to look serious and that's what happened. I've given up on making similar faces for my future engagement pictures. I don't want to look constipated in those photos. 

Also, the temple. It took me all summer, but I'm no longer in training. And it really is the best non-job job I have ever had. 

The summer of eating too much not enough pizza

And chips and salsa. Here I am at one of the many wedding receptions I frequented this summer. Oh, Utah.

My friend Caitlyn got her endowments on this day! Afterwards I foolishly went to work in my church clothes. And heels. Such smart. Very wisdom. 

I finally got a new bike and broke it in when I joined the ward's biker gang. Note: do not attempt selfies while biking. You'll probably die.

It takes me approximately 2 days to drink one of those half gallons of juice. Here is my "I don't regret carrying this juice around with me" face. All summer long, baby (p.s. wearing a beanie because it rained, and that justifies beanie wearing).

We hiked Dixie Rock and I made a dinosaur face while nobody was looking. What else is new. P.S. that girl on the far left is now murried! I went to her reception too, in case you were wondering. I'm sure you were('nt).

"I'm not a fan of the 'stache." -my little sister, to me last night

Things to Do in Rexburg At 12am: Part One of a Series

I don't have a mustache. Sometimes I wish I did, so I could really be a hipster and participate in No-Shave November (oh wait...I can...). I do have peach fuzz, which is barely visible, thank you very much. But Ellie has no filter (#related), so she just says things. She tried to recover by saying "Uhh I was talking to Caleb." Caleb has had a mustache since age 2. But, I digress.

This morning I woke up to the most evil birds that have ever been birthed from an egg. ???? I was about to get my flamethrower that I don't have and start a forest fire in our backyard. Don't those birds know what I went through this weekend?! HUH!

Well they don't...but I'm about to tell you. So maybe next time we can prevent this "McKenzie getting woken up at the crevasse of dawn by evil ravens that aren't quoting Edgar Allen Poe, otherwise she would probably like them instead of trying to shoot them out of the tree with a bow and arrow." YA FEEL ME?!

On Friday evening, I went to a BBQ with some wardies. I decided to wear a skirt because it's really hot and I actually hate being hot. A nice 75-80 degrees tops is my limit. Hashtag never living in Arizona, yo. Anyway, back to the BBQ and not my skirt. I went to the park down the street from my house, and nobody was there. So I sun-tanned burned my exposed leggies for a little bit until I realized the BBQ was happening at the other end of the park. Upon arriving there, I got into a great discussion about awkward break-ups, which was spawned by this video. Jimmy Fallon=the template for my future husband (hopefully my future husband is reading this).

One of the best awkward break-up stories was told by my amiga, Marlaina. She said that she broke up with this boy and then he cradled her in his arms whilst singing "Somebody That I Used to Know." For an hour. A FULL HOUR. And she broke up with him, so she was trying to get him to leave, but he just wouldn't. #bless

Then the rest of the night went down like the Hindenburg. Such a terrible joke. Woof.

9:30pm- #Trenterz (all that needs to be said)
11pm-awkward gas station incident
11:30pm- try not to fall asleep
12am- grocery store for a hoagie and some orange juice. and newspapers for a fire we never started.
12:30am- drive up the canyon into the woods....for an hour.
12:45am- stop at a campsite, disturb some people in their tents (accidentally), decide our hammocks deserve a more woodsy spot, drive further up the mountain
1:00am- shine our flashlights into the trees until we see a good spot. set up hammocks.
2:00am- fall asleep in hammocks/sleep-talk for a little bit and scare off the woodland creatures

Don't you wish your life was like mine? #whatissleep

Then on Saturday, because of the night before, I took a nap at 12pm, and another nap at 3pm. I think maybe I'm part sloth. Why fall in love when you can fall asleep? (put that on my tombstone) OMG I know what my next doodle is going to be.

Speaking of those doodles, I'm still working on opening an esty because people I don't know have started requesting these drawings, which cracks me up immensely. Basically what you guys are paying for is "excerpts from McKenzie's filterless mind." Wow, when I first typed that out it looked like "flirtless," which is also accurate. Eggplant emoji.

Oh yeah. And I can't forget about The Saga of McKenzie's Flat Tire. The story goes like this: my front left tire was completely bald, unbeknownst to me (squinty-eyed emoji showing all of its teeth). I drove all over on Saturday, including all the way to the SLC airport and back again. I'm 99.9% sure my mom prayed for me that day, because my tire definitely should have blown out on the freeway in the middle of the night. But it didn't. It went flat rather anticlimactically (holy carp what is that word) about 10 minutes from my apartment, and my lovely friend Kenzie came and picked me up.

R.I.P. you dumb old donkey tire (which took a few days to get off, yay)

Prayer works. Service rocks. Sleep is good.

Thus concludes another weird post from McKeezy McSteezy (huh?).

am I a complex carb because I am slowly breaking down #summer

Here is a brief list of the most common questions I get asked throughout the day:

1. How do you come up with this stuff?
2. How are you so funny?
3. What goes on in that head of yours?
4. Are you okay?
5. No, really? 
6. Can you move please?
7. Did you know you have something on your face? Answer: "If you're referring to the hotness on my face then ya it's permanent and my parents put it there. Thanks parents for your DNA" (jk I don't say that I usually cover up my whole face and run to the nearest mirror).
8. Wanna go get tacos?

I always appreciate getting asked number 8. I don't have answers for 1-2. Number 3, welp, you know what goes on in that head of mine. It looks like an episode of Spongebob + a little bit of sleep deprivation mixed in. Also, no filter. This has been discussed. 

Summer has melted away. Like, lit'rally, we're at that phase now when my steering wheel burns me every time I drive, and I actually get blisters on my fingertips. Why do people live in Arizona? This is a serious question for my friends who have lived there (Kaitlyn and Alyssa, mostly). 

I haven't done a "weird things found on my camera roll" post in awhile. And since I am still kind of recovering from the hike to Mt. Doom Mt. Timpanogos on Saturday, I can't think of anything to write. So, PICTURES. Or, more accurately, "the outtakes of McKenzie's life."

jumping pictures are difficult. also, leggings as pants? ehhhhh

I purposely take the long way home through Alpine Loop at least once a week. Plz somebody find me a mountain man to build me a cabin up there. We will live there with our babies and I will make them papooses. Wouldn't you like to live a life with PAPOOSES?! Me too.

4evz chasing sunsets.

last year, Georgia+Eric+myself came up here on a summer night like this one, and Eric did a handstand in front of the temple. Right there by the fence. And I think we started quoting Muppet Treasure Island or somefin. Man, we are appropriate. #not

One night like 2 weeks ago, I found myself on another hike, and my view was obscured by trees. Silly trees. It's like I was in the forest or something. Anyway, I hiked up in the mud where I wasn't supposed to be hiking. I was really hoping for a mountain goat sighting for my sacrifice. Sigh. 

Kevin. Eating chicken pot pie with the biggest spoon available. Moment of silence for how great Kevin is. 

Should I have put this one on Instagram? Dangit. I should have. 

The best/worst purchase I ever made was that wolf t-shirt. #pineconemustache

WE MADE RAVIOLI. Because we're domesticated.

Wait, I take that back. I killed a cactus. And as my friend Clay loved to point out to me, I killed "one of the most independent plants on the planet." So, pat on the back to me and my black thumb. Blacker than Michael Jackson, pre-1990. YA FEEL? p.s. Trent you were right when you said I was gonna kill it. :(

I found this on my car one day. Unless "Jeremy" is Bill Gates' alias then no, I'm not gonna call him. KTHXBYE.

?????

Sooo sleep deprived! Those bags under my eyes are designer. Heh. Heheh. Man I'm tired.

sometimes

• sometimes I have recurring dreams for months at a time. and then I think "I should go to therapy." And I really think I should go to therapy, you guyz. Maybe it would help me stop talking so strangely. I know my mom would like me to stop spelling "guys" with a z.
• sometimes I think I am the most blessed human on this planet and I don't deserve it. And other days I complain way too much, and then feel guilty for complaining because I don't have anything worth complaining about. Except recurring dreams. And stubbing my toe on the part of my bed that sticks out.
• sometimes I eat two sandwiches for lunch instead of one. because the 2nd one was "smaller." Translation: the bread looked smaller but I put the same amount of stuff on it, so. #justified??
• sometimes I use Netflix solely to watch old Disney Channel Original Movies. And yes, I do this when I'm alone.
• sometimes I can go many days in a row without talking to any of my friends...and I don't like that very much. Introverts like to be alone, but without any intimate human interaction, we go crazy. I'm at that point now. I have two love languages (tied for first place, holla, I need way too much love, it would seem): words of affirmation (surprise) and quality time. And I would like to submit Mexican food as my third love language. 
• sometimes it's 12:30 am and that can turn into a dark place because I start thinking too much about all the things going wrong in my life, so instead I make lists of all the places I want to hike this summer. The list is long.
• sometimes the temple is the only place I feel like my head is on straight. I'm so grateful I work there. Four hours once a week doesn't seem enough. Ain't never gon' be enough. Sorry mom.
• sometimes I love that silly little iPhone of mine but other times I miss the clunky one I had before, just because it didn't distract me. Like whoa. Srsly. I'm pretty sure Satan controls iPhones. And also he invented french fries. Dadgumit, Lucifer.
• sometimes I think I would like to hibernate for a few years. And other times I don't wanna sleep at all because #recurringdreams. GO AWAY PLEASE.
• sometimes I daydream about my future babies. Is that weird? Well I don't care. I think about them a lot. 
• sometimes your whole family leaves for Washington and Oregon without you for two whole weeks, and you cry a little. 

and now, a photo essay on what you've missed lately:

this is Ellie. in this picture she is wearing my shoes, and a wife beater, and some giant basketball shorts. She doesn't leave the house like this because my mom won't let her.

She also say things like this. Regularly.

one night it snowed...this was like 2 weeks ago. #utahsummers

Anyway, I was supposed to run 3 miles, and I didn't want to, but I did, and then THIS happened. Liiiiife lesson up in heeeeere.

 my hiking buddy and name twin. 

Phoebe: "I dare myself not to eat these chips until we get to the waterfall."

When I was a baby, they called me The Heat Miser because my hair stuck straight up.

And now, welp. You can see the connection.

found this at D.I. the other day.

I have nothing further.

Sorry for being such a whiny boob. Sometimes I'm human (sometimes=alwayz). And I add "z" to the ends of things. And I feel sad for no real reason at all. And I drive with my windows down at night and the music turned up way too loud. And sometimes I drive with no music at all. Sometimes I eat ice cream for lunch. Sometimes I jump on my bed when I get excited/nervous. Sometimes I can't stop shaking because I'm so afraid of seeing certain people or going certain places or doing certain things. Sometimes I don't drink enough water. Sometimes I drink too much, and then avoid people who make me laugh too hard. Ya feel me? Sometimes I listen to songs over and over because they hurt, but in a good way. Sometimes I read poems out loud to myself, to nobody at all, to see what they sound like. Sometimes I wonder if I really am somebody. Then I remember that I always was, and always will be. Sometimes it's hard to remember. But I'm trying.

to the finish line

Tibble Fork Reservoir 6/21/14, at 4:20am (cat making Home Alone face emoji)

“I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what." --Atticus Finch (Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird)

On Saturday morning, while the moon was still up, I dragged myself out of bed and drove to the high school, at which point I got on a bus, which drove me and 2500 other crazy humans up American Fork Canyon. The bus was terribly warm. It was really hard to get off that bus and step into the parking lot at Tibble Fork. But I did it. I did it because I had a race to run. This wasn't just any race, though. 

The last six months of my life have been...unplanned, to say the least. Ha. The year got off to a pretty rocky start. I learned what President Eyring said is true--we don't know very much about our futures, but we do know that we'll have unexpected surprises and trials. We can expect the unexpected. And yes, oftentimes those trials that come aren't things we would've asked for ourselves. I know I didn't. 

But Heavenly Father knows me better than I know myself, and thank goodness for that! The things I experienced were, at times, unbearably heavy, and it was then I had to turn to my Savior for help. 

Here's the thing about me and asking for help--I'm really bad at it. My mom says I'm independent, which is good, but it can also be a fatal flaw when you're in the middle of your "garbage compactor moment." Yeah, that was a Star Wars reference (duh). 

So once upon a time I took a Superheroes in Literature class, and we got to read comic books for homework. It was the beezy. We studied the Hero's Journey, which is found all throughout literature and in the scriptures, too. 

In the Hero's Journey, there's always a huge trial before the hero triumphs (Ordeal, Death & Rebirth). It's at this point in the circle that the protagonist either becomes the hero or becomes the villain, depending on how he reacts to the trial. In Star Wars: Episode IV, the "trial" takes place in the garbage compactor. The three protagonists are trapped in a garbage compactor--I mean really, what could be worse than dying via squishing, in a pile of trash? Probably dying via squishing in a sewer or something. But, I digress.

In the movie, it's shown as a literal compression--a pushing to the breaking point. But it's not always literal, yo. Everyone experiences this circle many times over in their lives, each time becoming a little better. To me, that's what conversion is. When we repent, we "become new creatures," and get a little bit closer to exaltation. Of course, because we're human, we mess up inevitably, but the Atonement brings us to number 11 each time--"Resurrection." It's beautiful and perfect that this will all end with a literal resurrection, but for now, each of us faces metaphorical resurrections every time we repent. Every time we decide to change and to overcome, we become a little more god-like. 

I hit a point during my garage compactor moment that was pretty low. There were days--many days--that I didn't want to get out of bed. Sometimes I didn't even want to wake up. I knew I couldn't possibly pray for such a thing, but I did what some of us do when the fire of adversity is burning particularly hot--I asked for the trial to please go away. I wanted Heavenly Father to take it from me. But, silly me, I didn't know what I was in for! Heavenly Father wanted me to become like Him, and how would I ever know how much grit I had until it was tested? 

"Your delivery from trial is important to Heavenly Father but so too is the growth you make while awaiting that relief. If all deliveries came immediately upon demand, the process of developing first-person faith would be aborted...True disciples on the other hand know that “charging God foolishly” will abort the faith development process and so meekly allow the process to continue. They understand that as long as they obediently seek the Lord’s will, seeming setbacks can actually be steps forward in their faith development. Like the man who is asked to move back one seat in a bus that is speeding forward on the freeway. Inside the bus, it looks like a move backward, but observing the bus from a distance, the man’s forward progress is clearly evident." from First Person Faith in God, by Ronald Hammond

I wanted that first-person faith, so I went to my bishop and asked for help. He suggested that I start working in the temple. It had never occured to me to do such a thing, even though it was sort of a no-brainer. It was one of the best choices I've ever made! The second thing I did was sign up for a half marathon. I tried to talk myself out of it lots of times, but in the end I told myself that I could do it if I decided I would. Simple.

And so, four months later, there I was, shivering in the parking lot at Tibble Fork Reservoir, wearing nothing but shorts, a t-shirt and my running shoes. Usually I get these awful adrenalin shockwaves throughout my whole body before I do something crazy-scary. But I was perfectly still. I knew that I was about to do something that I'd never done--run 13.1 miles, WHAT--and that this was my "Seizing the Sword" moment. Right after the trial is past, the hero now has the strength and integrity to continue, and seize his reward. Only after the trial is past can he get the sword.

Now, I didn't just up and run those dang 13.1 miles. I had to train every day for many moons. There were two weeks that I didn't run at all, because I fell back into the garbage compactor. I wanted to give up lots of times. But I didn't. The finish line was close. Soo close.

The run itself was fast. It helps when the first 8 miles are downhill. I felt strong. The first time I ran a mile was in 9th grade at my first x-country practice, which my dad kind of forced me to go to. I could barely make it through that one mile. And here I was, running 8 miles, then 9, 10, 11....at mile 10, there was a big hill. Everybody was walking up that hill. But that voice inside me wouldn't let me stop, not even for a lousy hill. I remember getting to the top and kind of turning around and saying "Well that was mean..." And then I kept running. At mile 12, the sun was out and right up in my grill. My tummy was hungry. Then Michael Jackson came on my one working headphone (oh yeah, that happened too. My right headphone just up and quit working at the starting line. OOF). Oh, sweet Michael. How I loved him in that moment. He got me to the finish line. 

But it wasn't just him, of course. :)

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing.” 

―August Wilson

I know it's summer now but there's no thigh gap pics in this post, sorry

Twenty One Pilots was suhhhh great

I gave Trent my phone so he could take proper photos. Because he's tall. And he just took like fifty groupies. #Trenterz.

Kevin, the leader of our ward biker gang. I heart him. And his face. In this picture. Just look. 

Here I am inside Kevin's bus that he drives for a living.

NO JOKE.

Still not kidding! It was so great! And we had just ridden our bikes so we had them in there as well. Which I thought was pretty sweet. 

Horsies.

The lighting was awesome. Then I had to run 4 more miles. Ick.

But the LIGHTING, you guyz.

^^I didn't want to/have time to blog about errythang you've missed so here's some pitchers.

***

STORY TIME!

My new favorite hobby is googling people's mispronunciations of Benedict Cumberbatch's name. Best ones so far: "Benadryl Cumberbath, Bandersnatch Cummerbund, and Nutterbutter Humperdink." Nobody even tries anymore.

Yesterday I had theeeeeeeeeee most awkward experience of life. But if you are a woman, it just comes with the territory. Yeah, I'm talking about the blessed OB/GYN appointment. When I got into the exam room, the nurse was like "Ok, here's the giant t-shirt thing and then this sheet which you drape over yourself." Thank you. For the sheet. Because that makes me feel super covered up.

-__-

So I get the "Are you dating anybody?" question a lot. At least once a week. I should just start wearing a sign that says "No, to answer your question." Because that would save me a lot of time. And also save me from getting asked a lot of unnecessary questions in life. Except I want the back of the shirt to say "Yes, I want the guacamole and I know it costs extra." That invention will put $$ in the bank, yo. That and my Sarcastic Tombstones business, which I'm going to start up pretty soon.

But this week, when I got asked the inevitable, it just so happened to be coming from my doctor, while she was examining me. I mean. Could there have been a worse time to get asked that dang question? No. No there could not have been.

/end scene

Last weekend I was in a wedding. It was an all-day thang, as weddings usually are, but also because I was a bridesmaid and my parentals were helping with the photography (mostly mama), and I got some really good outtakes. I don't think I'm gonna be able to handle getting married. I only say that because I can't take serious pictures for the life of me. Observe.

Before this wedding went down, we had a bachelorette party. Nat'rally. The bridesmaids+the bride hit up Zermatt Resort in Midway, UT.

This resort has a pretty sweet indoor/outdoor pool, and 2 hot tubs. When we got there, both were full of persons. About twenty of them. Persons who were between the ages of 17-20. We got in anyway. I should probably mention that I forgot my swimsuit and therefore was wearing a flannel shirt and cut-off jeans (do I sound like I'm from the cast of Portlandia yet..). I sat on the little cement divider that separated the pool and the hot tub. This divider was probably 6 inches wide. Just for your info, my hinder isn't 6 inches wide. It's wider. Ya feel me? Sorry, wrong time to use that question.

So here I am, teetering on this lil cement divider with my feet dangling over the hot tub, and talking to my amigas, and also eavesdropping on the 20 girls who were crammed in there with us, because they were telling their first kiss stories and how could I not?!

"My first kiss...was...on New Year's Eve. Last year." *eye roll* Only she pronounced "year" like "yar."
[giggling noises]

Well, after about 10 minutes of making my feet pruny, another group of 20-somethings came outside to ask for valuable real estate in the hot tub. These were male 20-somethings, and quite ripped, I should add. I could've washed my clothes on this one dude's abs. You know? Okay. I'm done. With those jokes. (disclaimer: I have a mild concussion whilst writing this so I probably shouldn't be writing this. /end nonsense transmission).

Boys: "Hey uhh...can we get in there with you guys?"
my face:

other girls: ummm yaaaaaaaa
our group: (all about the eyebrows)
my thought process: do you have pizza? would that I had actually said that! Oof.

Their question was rhetorical, because as they asked it, they were slowly ripping off their clothing until it was just Billabong and Volcom shorts up in here. Too much? I told you, I'm concussed.

Because this hot tub was really small, I had to scooch over even more to make room for them, and I mean, if any of them had laid a finger to me, I would've fallen backwards into the swimming pool. I almost wish that would've happened. Would have been a great escape hatch out of the awkward situation we were about to get ourselves into. ALmost as good as a seesaw.

Well, then the painful awkwardness that is my life commenced.

Washboard Abs Boy: So what are you guys doing here? Are you guys all in a group together? *motions towards every female in the hot tub*
Elise: Um, no, no, we're here for a bachelorette party.
Leader girl in other group, I'm going to call her Black Swimsuit: We're cousins. Family reunion.
WAB: Oh I see. So do you guys go to school orrrrrr.
Elise: Yeah I go to BYU.
Hill: Utah State.
Shan: Graduated.
Me: Graaaaduated (I drew out the "a" so they would know I'd been graduated for a long time and therefore was off-limits because #old)
WAB: Wait, Bachelorette Party?! Congrats! Who's the bride?
Hill: Me.
Every guy in the hot tub: Oh my gosh congrats!
WAB: Well we're just here for guy time.
All girls in hot tub: ......
Random dude sitting right by my leg: Would you totally hate me if I asked you to scoot over more?
Me: Uhh no. No! I don't hate you! What? (I should mention that I also had a yucky cold during this experience and therefore had Zooey Deschanel manly voice, and I'm sure that just added to my allure. Not to mention that my bum was completely soaked from sitting on the divider. If you looked up "hot mess" in the dictionary you'd see my picture there.)
Random dude by my leg, after he flirtatiously smirked at me: Thanks. Sorry. I know you hate me now.

*pause. Is saying "you hate me" supposed to be some way of playing hard-to-get? Or what? WHAT IS IT. Please explain, all my male readers. K thank you and bye.*

Since I couldn't tell if he was flirting or what, I just nodded and said "Heh..heh heh nope don't hate you." And tried to make my raspy voice sound more alluring. Spoiler alert: I failed. Because me and that boy aren't dating or anything now. I don't even have his digits in my phone. Sigh.

WAB (clearly the leader): So you guys know this resort, right?
Elise: Yeah my family has the condo we're staying in.
WAB: So you know what fun things there are to do around here?
Elise: Umm well have you gone to the sauna yet?
WAB: Oh, you mean The Steam Room. We live there.
*all the boys affirm this, proudly. "Yes, yes we live in The Steam Room." Fist-pumps galore.
(cue my weird eyebrow movements again)
Elise: Uh, okay, well what about volleyball?
WAB: Oh yeah, we were playing earlier. *chuckles*
Elise, realizing that the girls saw them playing earlier, with their shirts off, starts to laugh: Ohh yeah we saw you guys. Hehh...
WAB: You probably thought 'Hey look at those toolbags playing with their shirts off! Ha!' Well, it was pretty hot. *mumbles* No, no it wasn't hot. It wasn't hot at all.
*eyebrows*
WAB: So where do you guys live in Provo? I live at bla-bla-la. I only live there for the hot tub. (he said this seriously. No joke)
WAB: What's your major?
Elise: English.
WAB: Ewww! Mine is Advertising. He said it just like this: "Addd-ver-tizing." I swear his front incisor twinkled a little bit. And my ovaries went like this:

(in anger, not happiness)

At this point, one of the other boys in the group started to talk to Black Swimsuit. I feel like it's necessary to add that he was sitting on the hot tub steps exactly like Ariel does in this scene in the Little Mermaid. Theee spitting image, I tell you.

I eavesdropped, naturally. You know me, always droppin' them eaves. ;)
????????????????

Little Merman, to Black Swimsuit girl: Go on a date with me. (Notice how he commanded her. Woof. He was gearing himself up for a salmon slap, no doubt.)
Black Swimsuit: Umm I just got my mission call...?

Poor girl. Srsly, she didn't know how to get him the heck off her back so that's what she had to say. We all know what I would've said. But we'll save that for a future blog post about my dating life:

visual aid: my dating life

Little Merman: Where did you get your call?
Black Swimsuit: Iowa, Spanish-speaking
Little Merman: Quiero salir contigo.
Black Swimsuit: Huh??
His Polynesian Friend, A.K.A. The Only One Still Wearing a Shirt: He's saying he wants to go on a date with you.
Black Swimsuit: Looking at her friends for help and support. They just giggled. I wanted to punch him in the throat, kind of.
Little Merman: Come on, I'll be the guy that sends you off. I'll write to you. Just go out with me.
Black Swimsuit girl: I leave in like 2 weeks.

At this point I was like "Yo, the club cannot handle me right now," and got up off my 6-inch cement pavilion, sort of splashing the awkward dude next to me, and showed my wet behind to everybody in the hot tub, which they made eyebrows at, no doubt. And we left. I never have to live at Belmont, now. I know what the scene is like.

Ah, it's good to be back. Didn't you miss me?

here's my apology gifs to all of you who just read this. 

truly, I am sorry.

and for those of you who are reading this blog for the first time, I wouldn't blame you if you never came back. 

over and ouuuuuuuut