and now there is a boy outside my window talking about his girlfriend's lame texting habits ("she didn't text me back for 7 hours!!!!") and I'm all like "yo, sleeping up in here."

Let the records show that I did not ask her to pose like this. 

SO. It's been awhile. #lyfe

I'm currently in my bed with a hot pad on (duh, because I'm an old lady and I never go to sleep without it). And a scarf. And a hoodie. Because the heat doesn't come on in my room or something. The irony is that there is a firepit outside my window for young single adults to gather around, and eventually cuddle, and eventually DTR and then get engaged. All while I shiver in my room, a mere 10 feet away, and sneeze myself to sleep. Ah, Provo.

I'm currently re-reading Harry Potter. It makes me feel 12. But then again, so does car-dancing, jumping on the bed, and eating chocolate for breakfast (all things which I regularly engage in, thank you very much).

Today a guy came into work and I rang him out, gave him his receipt, bla-blah, and then he like, looked into my soul and said "I need you to promise me that you'll have a good day." I said "Well it's already 6:30 so can I just get a rollover plan for tomorrow?" JK. I said "Um, sure!" ha. And smiled. Then he looked at me sternly and said "No really...promise me. Promise me you will." I said okay kind of nervously, because there were other people watching and I didn't want them to think we were, well, I don't know, he just had this look, okay?!

my thought process: "Guyz, I swear I did not know this human 50 seconds ago but now he is making me pinky-swear and that is reserved for BFFs so it feels like a violation."
what I really said: "Ahh, okay...yep, I promise!"
as he walked away: "Well, you promised now. So I'm going to check on it later. Okay? Okay McKenzie?" (dang that stupid nametag!)
me: Heheh...heh...(trailing laughter)
him: I'll see you later.

I'll mark my calendar for that day. And I shall mark it "RUN AWAY ON THIS DAY AND AT THIS TIME. TO MEXICO."

Oh yeah, and shoutout to Snapchat for providing me with a really awkward amount of terrible selfies on my camera roll. How will I ever explain this to my posterity? 

"Yeah so this one is of me with three chins and the caption says "I just ate lasagna." And I actually sent it to someone and they are still friends with me." Oh I know, I could make a book of parables about it! That'll learn them. 

Parable 1: Choose good friends who will still speak to you even after you send them Fat Tuesday pictures (#notamardigrasreference).

????????????????????

(this was before I added special effects. a.k.a. fake crayon art)

I request the highest of fives for completing this post while on cold medicine. Because if you know me well, you know how I react to any type of medication.

Mentos + diet coke.
Baking soda + vinegar.
McKenzie + drugz.

All da same reaction. Imploding. Exploding. Overall insanity.

here's a brief trip down memory lane (just me, talking to myself):
"hahaha remember when you shaved your legs 3x in one day because you were taking Sudafed?"

"omg or what about when the hospital gave you the stuff that's 10x stronger than morphine for 3 days and you had no control of your bladder whatsoever and everybody that visited you looked like a character from the Willy Wonka movie? remember when?"

"OR there was that precious time you took two Aleve and it knocked you out flat in the back of the car and so your parents went to a Christmas party while you slept in the backseat, and if anybody had walked by at the time they would've called the police because it looked like you'd been kidnapped and drugged (half of that is true). ??"

Ah, memories.

Don't do drugz. Over and out.

let's go back in time for a moment, shall we?

Will somebody please explain to me why we ever thought puka shell necklaces were so cool? Because I, for the life of me, cannot fathom why it was so awesome to own one. And yeah, just like any 13-year-old girl in the early 2000's, I felt the need to wear mine right along with my sparkly butterfly hair clips (the horror). And the boy I liked might've owned a puka shell necklace. One of those big chunky ones. Cuz, you know, those were more manly. Observe (and yes, I lit'rally googled "puka shell necklaces for men" and this came up. so, don't doubt my knowledge. I mean google's knowledge.):

look at him and his snazzy aviators and his carefully-placed bicep. he knows what's up because he has a puka shell necklace on. it makes me want to puka in the toileta.

But also, these.

you will never believe the name of the (current) article where this picture was from. "First Date Looks: 10 Clothes And Accessories For ’90s Grunge Inspired Style." No. Just no.

Now let's get real. Pokemon. Everybody loved Pokemon  right? We had friends in our ward who went to Japan sometimes (yeah, they just went to Japan, ok? Like it's an easy road trip or something. whatevs) and they would bring back special edition Japanese. Holographic. Pokemon. Cards. Hol-o-graph-ic. Code for "you are now the coolest person in the 4th grade."

Naturally, my brother and I ruled the neighborhood during those times. Ah, to be a pubescent Pokemon card-dealer again! That's how I built my street cred you know.

p.s. I don't actually have street cred. let's just clear that up right now in case I get any requests from thugs to join their gang. the answer is no.

here's a picture of me, circa 1995, just because?? oh I know how it applies--

I know how to do bicep-placement too. And I don't need a puka shell necklace to do it. 

#RIPBarney

While we're on the subject of television, let's talk about Nickelodeon. I mean, I was terrified of the dark (and vampires, creepy dolls, soul-sucking masks, and demon-possessed bloodhounds) but I still watched that dang show, "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"  And the scariest episode of all time gave me legit nightmares. Apparently it was number 16 on this list, but f'realz, look at that psycho vampire.  I was mostly afraid because we had one of those root cellars and I really thought a blood-sucking fiend would jump out and latch onto my neck meat every time I reached around the wall to turn on the light. 

Can't blame a young girl for having an active imagination, ok?

This coming from the same girl who, at age 5, was doodling "beer popsicles" on the program in church (this is not a lie, I don't like about anything, especially beer popsicles).

Imagination is powaaaah! But sometimes it keeps you up at night thinking that an ape-cray old lady with a tattoo necklace will grab your feet if you dangle them over the bed. I mean, don't tell me this doesn't make you wanna pee your pants:

Don't even TELL me. 

I debated whether or not I should talk about "them" but my 90's spirit animal said "do it" and so I'm doing it. SPICE GIRLS. They are ape-crazy, right? But we love them somehow?

let's take a moment of silence for all the people who hung this poster in their rooms. or who still have it hanging in their rooms...oh gosh. just pray. pray really hard. 

Shout out to my girl Amy, who channeled Baby Spice for many moons and dressed up as her for Halloween and had a Spice Girls folder, which I vividly remember coveting. So.

Oh yeah, speaking of the Spice Girls, have you seen this? Somebody do this with me in real life. Then we can become best friends.

Now let's talk about Disney-related things. Specifically Pocahontas-Disney-related things. I was/am/was obsessed.  Yes, my 5th birthday party was all Pocahontas-themed. My mom worked at the Disney store so we had the hook-upz. I have an entire photo album dedicated to this party, ok? If we're BFFs then you can see it. All others must fill out an application. 

I also owned a really creepy piggy bank with John Smith and Pocahontas cuddling. That was the piggy bank. Just them cuddling. And John having a coin slot in his back, which just made it look like he was having spinal surgery and in no way would he be in shape to be cuddling at that moment! You know? Okay well...Disney store: work on your coin slot placement. Thanks. There are kids out there with morbid imaginations. 

Oh yeah. Let's not forget my broski's Chief Powhatan boxers. Ah, don't you love saying that? It's like those words were all meant to be together. Chief Powhatan boxers. Now, story-time. Yet again. If you make it through this post I will give you money. Hard cash. 

a photograph of my brother and me, probably around the time the following story took place.

check dem grillz (on the car, gosh). 

One fateful day, he was climbing the tree in the front yard wearing those Chief Powhatan boxers (and nothing else on the bottom) and ripped a giant hole in them! R.I.P. Chief Powhatan boxers. You were the coolest thing to ever grace Isaac's underwear drawer.

Realness: it felt weird to type that last sentence. Moving on.

Now I'm gonna take you through time with these sentimental images. For those of you who grew up in this decade, get your kleenex out, okay? Trust me.

1,000,000 points to Gryffindor if you know what movie this is. 

life lessons from Arthur (a show I still watch, and I'm not even sorry about it)

I'm actually crying right now looking at this. 

 yes I did once go to a secret powderpuff girls meeting in a trailer. in a TRAILER. we weren't cooking meth, though. we were discussing our powderpuff powers. again, not a lie. what a childhood!

ain't no field trip like a "let's travel through a fellow student's intestines!" field trip

Oh, this game. I always died via snake bike and I could never ever cross that dang Platte River. It's a video game, how hard can it be to get a 2-D character through a pixelated pond? Super hard.

what kind of person invents this for children?! like, who are you and how do you still have your eyebrows? I'm pretty sure I would've shaved them off by now, if I knew who you were and where you lived.

My brother was known for stealing the neighbor's Ferbies and pushing them down the driveway, just to hear them say "oouuch, thaat huuurt" in their creepy voices. Ah man, he thought it was so chilarious. The neighbors didn't.

how many times do I have to say that I don't wanna hear 12-year olds singing "I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch." Like, it's done. Be done. My ears are lit'rally bleeding. Oh and don't worry. There are 24 of these. TWENTY FOUR. That means there are more of these than there are years of my life. What does this say about me?

Mm, don't answer that.

if you didn't watch this show, who are you?!?

God bless the 90's. And Isaac's ensemble. And my face, which I still make, to this day. And that backpack, which I am pretty sure had Barney on it. And that afghan. And that wallpaper. Oh, that wallpaper.

sorry, still not done being emo. *cue the dashboard confessional song*

So, here's how life is. I wake up in the morning feeling swollen and kind of gross (cold weather=swollen face. Yes, I look like a puffer fish. Whatev.). This morning my mom said "Did you cry yourself to sleep?"

What? Of course not.

They're called allergens. And coldness. And allergens.

Then I go to work. Then I go home and fall onto my bed, and usually fall asleep again (unintentionally). I usually dream about something awesome. Last night, I dreamt I was about to go on a shopping spree which I won. Then I woke up.

And reality struck me again. And I rolled out of bed again.

Life motto right now:

Let's be real. I do not feel like myself right now. I feel like the real Kenzie has gone M.I.A. and she needs someone to come and lay those defibrillator things on her chest. And wake her up. Shock her into being. And tell her to be brave--to give her permission to be brave.

Don't you ever feel like you need permission to be brave? It's like all the self-doubt and fear inside of you culminate against you all at the exact same moment. And you go "whoaaa I'm not emotionally equipped for this." You automatically assume you can't handle it. So you have to ask the universe for permission. Can I be strong? Wait, really? Is it possible?

Welp, maybe I can't be. But someone already went through what I am going through. And He can help me. Right? Right.

It's this kind of stuff keeps me going:

"When you feel that there is only a thin thread of hope, it is it really not a thread but a massive connecting link, like a life preserver to strengthen and lift you. It will provide comfort so you can cease to fear."
Richard G. Scott

“Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”

Steve Jobs

"Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten that the Lord is able to do all things according to his will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in him? Wherefore, let us be faithful to him."

1 Nephi 7:12

oh yes I did throw a Steve Jobs quote in there. Because why the heck not.