exit the womb they said. life will be awesome they said.

It's Fridayyyyy! Do you know what this MEANS?!  It means I'm going to make a happy list, just because I can. 

And life really is great. I mean yeah, it's hard and sometimes there's drama because I'm 9 (but really, ask Facebook). But it's GOING to be okay! It is!

So in honor of Friday and everything else that's glorious, here's a photographic happy list. Boom. (for the full effect, listen to this while you scroll, because I'm all for everything having a soundtrack)

 poetry

 autumn

 peanut butter + chocolate (and PIE, duh)

 coat weather at last

 driving down roads like this

 hand-holding. I support it.

 you know what else I support? Marlon Brando's face. 

 nighttime lighting

 simon & garfunkel, wassup

 this movie. never gets old. ever.

 all wise words

 the stars

tacos, duhhh-yes

all images via 

okay, let's get serious. I'm considering snapchat. I mean whyyyy. I feel like it's something a 17 year old would enjoy, so basically I'd probably enjoy it for its irony. Or something. What? Yeah, just tell me what to do. Impose on my agency. I'm going to get excommunicated for saying that, aren't I?

ooh yeah, and the next blog is going to be muy especial. I'm working on a project just for you (all five of you). Hint: go listen to Track 13 on The Beatles "Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band"  and you'll know what I'm getting at. Or maybe you won't. Gosh I'm terrible with hints and clues. I would've been a terrible pirate.

back in bidnez

Geesh. That was funky. I mean really. That last post was sooooooo serious. A bunch of people commented to me and said "Dang McKenzie, that was a lot of feelings" or "Is everything ok in your life? You don't have any razors available to you, right?" Gosh. I'm not that emo. Can't a girl wax poetic once in awhile? 

Anywayz. I'm going to stop before I bore you to death.

Here's some facts. 

Fact #1: I live in Provo. This is indeed true. I have not met two of my roommates yet. Not my fault, though, because they lit'rally never come out of their room. But you know what always gets people out of their rooms??? Do you?! (don't say an atomic bomb because gosh that is graphic). THE SMELL OF CINNAMON ROLLS. It's time for me to channel my inner Betty Crocker. Aand I can't believe I just said that.

Fact #2: I've decided on a running route. It goes up to the temple and around it and then back down the hill. Is there construction on this route? Duh. I live in Utah. The Land of Perpetual Everything Is Under Construction. I just think of it as an obstacle course. If I happen to fall into a manhole, so be it. At least I went down in style.....I mean spandex....wait. No. Those aren't synonymous. 

Fact #3: I found out about this amazing bike tour in Provorem (for only five bones!). Who is doing this with me? Just bring your bike and we'll gallivant around all the haunted places. Maybe we can re-make Hocus Pocus while we're doing it. I am down for such an activity. 

Fact #4: Flying squirrel costume + trampoline = perfect Halloween, right? Everyone leave your windows open please (that lives in Provo). Because you might be in for a surprise!

Wow. Nothing says pedophile like a costumed crazy person jumping in people's windows at night.

NVM. Forget I said any of that. But LOOOOKIT:

I didn't have time to photoshop my face onto that Brazilian girl's but SRSLY. I mean just imagine all the friends I would make if I wore this. True, these friends might be woodland creatures, but most Disney princesses are BFFs with woodland creatures sooooooooo.

Fact #5 I went to that Lumineers concert but guess what, the "Great" Saltair ripped everybody off and it's a long story which you can read all about on Yelp. Anywayz, The Lumineers ended up giving everyone a refund even though that wasn't their responsibility, but they are beautiful people (shout out to Jeremiah's beautiful face, specifically) for doing so. The Saltair (the concert venue) never acknowledged fault, and plenty of people who were there had things to say about it. The best insult I saw on their f-beezy wall was: "May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your minarets!" I feel like she studied Egyptian history at some point in her life. Omgosh maybe she's the Pharaoh's wife and she like traveled through time! Did anyone else see "The Mummy" back in the 90's? No? I'm the only one without taste? Kbye.

Oh, and there was a drunk girl at this concert (actually there were, like, thousands of drunk girls I think, and drunk guys, and people who were high). But while we were stuck in the crazy parking lot after our not-concert, I decided to make the best of it, and videotape aforementioned girl who was clearly wasted on something, but this did not in any way hinder her hula-hooping skillz (this is the videos I promised you, Eric-face).

oh yeah, and a truck started to back into us at the end of this vid. NBD

Fact #6: I recently learned how to make Brazilian cheese puffs. The story goes like this:

{me driving in my car, on the phone, which is not illegal, btw}

mama jo: hey we're making cheese bread balls over here.

me: you spoke the right words. bread. cheese. together in one food. I'll be there soon.

recipe is right hur, folks

Fact #7: Somebody made this Bill Nye gif. And in doing so, they also made my life.

Oh to live in a time when Bill Nye the Science Guy is on Dancing With the Stars! I can't wait to tell my children about this someday.

I have recently learned that there is almost nothing "You've Got Mail" and a Roxberry won't fix (except for some terminal diseases...I'm working on that. Please hold).

(took these on a bike ride last night because summer is fading away and I feel the need to document these things)

This week has been one for the history books. Actually, this whole past month. I kind of thrust myself into a whole new world. Lots of changes all at once. It's painful, man. It hurts to grow and spread those wings. I told you I was going to break some bones when I crashed...and break them I did.

But that doesn't mean good things aren't ahead. 

Now I shall leave you with some words which better explain my feelings at the present moment. Over and out, homeskillets. I'll be back later with more riveting tales from Provorem. 

❝

Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. 

—  Rumi

❝

Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.

— A. A. Milne

❝

‘It is finished.’ May those words land on your bones for the nights when fear tells you the cross was a beginning & you must finish grace.

— Jon Acuff 

❝

Oh, eager heart… you need to learn when to shut up, you need to shut up.

— Angie Serazzi 

❝

It seems only yesterday I used to believe
there was nothing under my skin but light.
If you cut me I would shine.
But now when I fall upon the sidewalks of life,
I skin my knees. I bleed.

— Billy Collins, from “On Turning Ten” 

❝

I’m sorry for my inability to let unimportant things go.

— Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close  

❝

In your life, you meet people. Some you never think about again. Some, you wonder what happened to them. There are some that you wonder if they ever think about you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. But you do.

— C.S. Lewis 

❝

Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone; it has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new.

— ursula k. le guin / the dispossessed

❝

You swallowed everything, like distance. Like the sea, like time. In you everything sank.

— Pablo Neruda 

❝

I really don’t know what ‘I love you’ means. I think it means ‘Don’t leave me here alone.’

— Neil Gaiman 

❝

I know it’s over, and it never really began, but in my heart it was so real.

— The Smiths 

❝

I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It’s when you know you’re licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do.

— Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

❝

She realized, anything could happen. Literally. So humbly beautiful, how amazingly frightening.

— Nicole Davenport  

❝

We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.

— Maya Angelou

❝

Not knowing when the dawn will come
I open every door.

— Emily Dickinson 

❝

We all have our scars,
From loving someone too deeply.
From wanting to protect someone too much.

— Tachibana Mei (Sukitte Ii Na Yo)

❝

Never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.

— Clementine Paddleford

❝

I am yours.
Don’t give myself back to me.

— Rumi 

❝

How do you go on when, in your heart, you begin to understand there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep.

— J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King

❝
      I’m restless. Things are calling me away. My hair is being pulled by the stars again.

— Anaïs Nin, Fire  

❝

I wish to hold you; then drink stardust and say permanently ‘farewell’.

— John Keats, Letters Of John Keats 

❝

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.

— Joan Crawford

❝

It’s a most distressing affliction to have a sentimental heart and a skeptical mind.

— Naguib Mahfouz, Sugar Street 

❝

Love is a smoke and is made with the fume of sighs.

— William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet 

❝

Learn to hold loosely all that is not eternal.

— A.M. Royden 

❝

You will hear thunder and remember me,
and think: she wanted storms.

— Anna Akhmatova

❝

When you surrender to what is and so become fully present, the past ceases to have any power. You do not need it anymore. Presence is the key. Now is the key.

— Eckhart Tolle

❝

To live in this world

you must be able
to do three things
to love what is mortal;
to hold it

against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go

— Mary Oliver 

I’d Like to Thank the Academy… for Not Affecting Me in Any Way Whatsoever. But Thanks You Guyz. Because You’re “the Academy” or Whatever.

I’m writing this future blog post on a Microsoft Word doc (I know, sooo 2008), lit’rally sitting in my driveway, using my neighbor’s wi-fi, because we don’t got no internetz up in hur. You know why? Because #lightning #struck #our #house. Those hashtags are all dedicated to you, Nathan. Since I know you read my blog now. You really shouldn't have outed yourself.

Once I know somebody reads my blog it’s like that part in all superhero movies when the superhero’s nemesis finds out who they really are, and then goes after their sweet lover, who is usually a really dumb girl who should have learned 20 minutes into the movie to stop going down dark alleyways in see-thru clothes, but does it anyway (I’m talking to you, Mary Jane Watson).

For the love of everything in this world, stop going down dark alleyways right after you've walked past guys who are most definitely thugs. Or I'mma do this:

(an accurate representation of me at 3pm every day)

Okay, so maybe these shout-outs aren't exactly like the Green Goblin kidnapping Spiderman's lover because he wants to kill Spiderman. But you know what I mean. I’m going to start giving shout-outs all over the place to people, so get ready for some embarrassment or warm fuzzies or whatever it is you choose to feel when I say “HOLLA AT SO-AND-SO FOR BEING MY FRIEND AND READING MY BLOG, ‘PRECIATE CHA!” It’s a good thing I’m not:

a) An actress (because stage makeup)

b) A really good actress (because paparazzi and I don’t react well to cameras)

c) A really good actress who wins Academy Awards and has to give speeches and thank “the Academy” (because speeches and crowds and tight dresses and also SPEECHES)

d) Allergic to chocolate

Here’s what’s goin’ on:

• I’m excited for The Hunger Games movie, part deux. I’m lame, whatever. But I’m excited because Peeta. And also because Peeta. Oops I already said that! Guyz. Have you read the books though? Because PEEETTTA. Kbye. (sidenote: pita bread is also good and so shout out to pita bread for being delicious)

Shout out to your perfect jawline

            

Shout out to you, perfect bread Frisbees of deliciousness

• I’m moving. I have a key to my new apartment. This is real life. F’realz. Who wants to buy me a broom so I can christen the floor? (shout out to you-know-exactly-who-you-are)
• I wore my Chacos for prooobbly the last time this year (sniff). They didn’t even do their duty and give me a zig-zag-tan this summer. Technically that’s the sun’s job and technically I have to be, like, out in the sun to get the zig-zag-tan. But I’m taking the irresponsible route and blaming my shoes. #mature #nathanareyoustillreadingthis
• I have one concert left this summer…and it is going to be off-the-chain-insane. Lit’rally. My dad told me there will most definitely be potheads present because this band likes pot or something?? (what band doesn’t…shout-out to the Beatles. R.I.P.) But really. HO-HEY SHOUT OUT TO THE LUMINEERS. And Dr. Dog. Who I am also essited to see. I’m gonna try and touch a band member’s shoe this time. I might get spit on but it’ll be worth it, right? They have medicine for STD’s, right?
• I actually found this site (accident) but you guyz, this is real life. It exists. It’s pretty fun to take this as if you were…um….a really short, super hairy, drug-addicted human being. Who also lives in Mexico City. Becuz that’s what I did. Don’t ask how much I was worth. Shout out to the creepy people who made this quiz. You should probably be in prison. Just saying.
• I made a duck-face jar for my cuate Trent (cuate=Mexican slang for homie). I wish I had taken a picture of it! Well, it’s not that hard to imagine. Here, close your eyes. Picture a Mason jar (anybody who has Pinterest can do this very easily). Now picture it with a piece of paper taped to it. The paper has the words “Duckface Jar” written on it in purple ink. Did I capture it for you? I mean, I think I got the basic imagery down. Now every time Trent makes the duck face at me he has to put candies/monies in the jar, and trade it for hugs, or I get to keep the candy/money. Turns out he is way more willing to hug me than I thought! So I should’ve thought of something lamer to put in the jar. Like lint balls or Hamburger Helper.

Here’s a sweet pic of Trent tho (Trent, this is your shout-out, obvs):

bless his heart. 

I think I need to go pack a box now. 

Solidarity: I’ll probably go eat some chocolate and take a nap instead. 

Oh yeah, it’s almost 8pm. Definitely taking a nap.

Over and out.

let's get real for a sec.

I have writer's block. I can't produce anything worth reading at this point in time. I mean, I could probably just paste a bunch of creepy Nicolas Cage pictures on here. Or space cats. The internet is rife with space cats, I tell you.

Buuuuut I decided to post something a little more serious, because SRSLY, this blog isn't all bout fun and games, you guyz. I can't be all funny and crazy all the time (actually I can, with enough chocolate in me...I can).

So, I'm moving. I'm actually really scared about it. I've been in my comfort zone for awhile now (aka my parents' house) and a month or so ago I decided it was time to spread my wings (who wants to be the wind beneath them? volunteers?).

The thing about comfort zones is that they aren't exactly greenhouses. Wow. That metaphor totally crashed and burned. It was like the Hindenberg all over again.

Anywayyy. What I'm trying to say is that we never really grow when we're comfortable. It feels nice and safe inside our bubbles, but we after awhile it gets too comfortable and there's nothing to do in there. It's time for a change. Helllloo, the first nine months of everybody's life is spent in a really comfy bubble, also known as the uterus, and then wa-BAM, comfort zone broken! In a really traumatic way. Sorry that you all have to poke your mind's eye out now.

But really. In all my experiences, stepping outside of the comfort zone is really, really hard at first. It's terrifying to take that step into the unknown and go "Okay Heavenly Father...I trust you. But is it going to be worth it?" And of course He always answers that question later with experiences and people and great feelings and then you find yourself looking back on them later going, "Hey! What was I even afraid of?"

So here's to the jumping off point. I'm sure I'll break some bones when I crash (I'll probably crash...I get distracted when I'm in motion. #klutzbomb)...but it will be worth it.

Tally-ho.

I hope I don't turn out like Meredith does in this gif...actually I hope I don't turn out like Meredith, period.

a brief explanation of some things on my camera roll in case I die or go missing in the future because I really need to justify myself in this regard

Everybody--ERRYBODY--has pictures on their camera roll which are hard to explain. They usually elicit the following responses when shown to others: "Whaaaaat?" or "I didn't deserve to see that" or just straight up "fjskla;fjafja;fa;" (haven't figured out how to actually make that sound yet).

You know what I mean. If the person you're showing the picture to wasn't there, they won't get it. And will therefore judge you.

I'm a firm believer in showing people one picture which they will surely understand, and then taking back your phone asap because nobody deserves to be judged by the other things on their camera roll without being able to explain.

Well, except for maybe certain celebrities (Miley Cyrus, I am lit'rally talking to you...because I know you read my blog).

If you are holding someone else's phone to look at one picture they have designated for your viewing delight, do them the courtesy of not scrolling through the rest of the pictures. I mean really.

Now that I've spent 5 paragraphs talking about why you shouldn't judge other people's camera rolls, I am going to reveal mine to you because of....well just BECAUSE, okay? #solidarity #orsomething?

Oh who am I kidding. It's to make you cry-laugh. That's why this blog EXISTS. And now, la leche, as they say in Spain, which means "the coolest crud you'll ever see."

you GUYZ. now this gas station in AF is a one-stop shop for all your shopping needs. You can fill up your car, get some foodstuffs, AND buy clothes. Maxi skirts, even. I wonder if they have chevron...I mean the skirt-pattern, not the gas station. #seewhatididthere

When my photo-editor asked me if I wanted this picture to be "small, medium, large, or x-large," I chose x-large. And I feel like that's all that needs to be said. Goodbye.

so my bff Chelsea moved into her apartment today. She's a little short on decorations right now, but at least she has these wooden figurines. One of them is reading in Braille. Guess which one. 

Earlier dis week I went to eat Mexican food with Eric-face. We didn't go to Beto's this time, so no "egg sacs" or "propels" this time. BUT I did happen upon this rotary phone by the register, which you can use to call Mexico apparently. I mean **Mexico** (the asterisks are relevant, you guys. I'll tell you why once I figure it out). P.S. Don't call Colombia unless you have $2,000 bones. And I think that only applies to you if you're Shakira. Yes, Shakira, I know you read my blog too. 

 Once upon a time I went on a date and it was amazeballs but the best part of all was when we went geo-caching and found this box of dinosaur toys and a note behind Taco Bell. I'm not racist but I was really hoping for some narcotics. I mean, the route was called "Run for the Border." What am I supposed to think?? Anyway. This note was inside. It was funny. The end. Props to Alan's hand which made this picture possible.

 We could ruminate on how awkward this picture is since I was "pretending to take a selfie in Costco because people take selfies in Costco all the time especially when sampling the delicious hors d'oeuvres" but what I really want to talk about is how that guy behind me LOOKS LIKE WOLVERINE. Don't worry, his hair was totally doing the stick-up thing and he was wearing boots. I'm sure he had a leather jacket somewhere. Like 89.7% sure.

One day we were at my grandparents' in Ogden and I said to myself "Self, you could really use some fiber right now. Because who doesn't need more fiber?" And then I found THESE. It was a Christmas Miracle. Just FYI, I didn't need fiber for about a week after consuming these.

One of the simple joys of life is trying to get wi-fi and then happening upon some excellent router names. For example, this one I found in the middle of Las Vegas. I mean really. Let's be best friends, whoever you are. I want to learn your thug ways. 

 The story goes like this: we went to San Diego. We ate lots of Mexican food. We went to CVS for the 2nd time in 3 hours. For the same thing (nail polish, don't judge). We went to an abandoned beach and it was dark. I was barefoot and in a dress. There was a huge rock and I didn't see it. The rock caused me to faceplant while making a very attractive "Hooomppphhaaaa" noise simultaneously. So I re-enacted that fall next to the sign "Unstable cliffs! Stay back!" Because we all know how I feel about unstable cliffs. #klutzbomb

 Part 1 in a series entitled "Awkward License Plates: A Retroactive Study in Sketchy Individuals." I read the Wall Street Journal too much. Or not enough??? You be the judge.

 So there was this one time, at Disneyland, we were getting onto Pirates for the 10,000th time (not sorry) and this girl was in front of us and I was like "hoolllllldddd up" and my friend Elise volunteered to pose with the back of her "shirt" and I snapped this glorious photo. Proof that people still think it's acceptable to wear their clothes even after they've run over them with a lawnmower. Except she didn't look like the lawnmowing type. 

 Look, it's my homie Elise again! This was at the beginning of our Disneyland trip (a.k.a. Orem). We needed some plastic knives for our cream cheese and bagels which we had recently purchased at Win-Co. Well obviously it was awkward to go through the drive-thru just for some knives. The girl helping us was super-confused (who, as you can see from this picture, actually turned out to be a guy. Oops).

"Hi, we'd just like some plastic knives."

"Some what? Kites?"

"Knives."

"Chives? This is McDonaldzzzzz."

"Knives! K-N-I-V-E-S."

"Huh?"

"You know, knives? Like with a blade?"

"Ohhh knives."

(we pull up, realize it's a guy. awkward.)

He says: "So you're the people with the knives, right?"

Alright, buddy. Way to make us sound like really, really disturbed people. AND he has that microphone thing. Honestly. Shout it from the rooftops, why don't you.

Earlier this summer I took it upon myself to climb Timp, which I did, and almost died upon doing so, and kind of did it by myself, but that's a different story. This is me at the trailhead with my amiga Okin. You can see it on my face: "What the carp am I doing?!" Yeah. I still don't know. What I did. Like. Why. 

But, still. Who wants to go again?! I'm serious. Please before it snows. Kbye.

 Part 2 in the series ""Awkward License Plates: A Retroactive Study in Sketchy Individuals." I'm thinking I could also calls this "Inappropriate License Plates: A Retroactive Study in People You Should Be Praying For."

I dunno why I keep throwing "retroactive" in there. Again, too much Wall Street Journal.

My BFF Chels and I made some tortillas to go with our deeelicous burritos. But I have a hard time making tortillas into circles. #notmexican 

 When I used to work at this certain law office with a slice of bacon on the sign (I'm dead serious, you can see it from the freeway and I'll show it to you ANYtime), I would get really ominous phone calls. Would you answer if this was on your caller I.D?! I actually ended up answering one time thinking it would be kind of fun to live a real life horror film. But the guy was super nice and also really confused when I told him his caller I.D. came up as "death." I asked him if he was friends with a little boy who wore giant glasses and stole figurines from churches. Negative, chief. I almost solved that one. 

IKEA sells these dolls to children. CHILDREN.

I'm sorry, but there is no way a face like that is comforting or gives a child warm fuzzies. 

That infamous night I went to Beto's, I happened upon this sticker on the back of someone's car. I hope it's not offensive to anyone who can speak Russian or whatever language that is....What I need to know is, what's with the possessed baby? Thoughts?

Well, as always, it's been real, you guys.

peace and blessinz'