maybe adele should've thought about texting instead

Why is that the title of this blog post?

Because the first thing I was going to type was hello. And then it started. Y'know, when your brain just snaps to attention like a dog watching a laser or a ball or...yeah, anyway, it's like that, but you have no clue how your brain could be that fast.

Do you ever smell a certain smell and then all of a sudden you're buried under an avalanche of emotions? Because that smell is actually the exact same smell of your kindergarten classroom? Yeah. Me neither.

So what I'm SAYING is, Adele, you should think about texting your past lovers instead of calling them, because it's awkward anyway to call someone who's married and tell them you're still in love with them. His family could be listening.

Wow, wut the heck is this post so far?

I was reading on one of those dumb internet forums where people (mostly women) complain about other bloggers and their "perfect" lives (*choking noises*). And somebody had posted that they REALLY hated how much this blogger loved her husband. She was like "Uh, yeEAH, my sister told me to never read a newlywed's blog--not until they've been married 5+ years and reality starts to set in."

Huh???????????????????

First of all, if you honestly have time to write on a forum about how much you hate someone else's relationship because it's affectionate, then...maybe you should get a relationship. Even if it's with yo'self. Like, get some love in yo life, girl! If THIS is what we're complaining about, then I think I'm going to just give up. I want the internet to stop.

Secondly, if you don't like reading someone's blog...DON'T READ IT OKAY GOODBYE I SOLVED YOUR PROBLEM.

Hmmm, what else can I rant about?!

How about the number of accidents I have had since working in the library.

Accident #1: I was wearing a sort-of-long skirt (past my knees? is that long? well, if you're 5'2 it is). And I was running up some stairs. And my skirt kinda...got caught underneath me. And I tripped on it while simultaneously yanking it down off my hips. And there was a guy standing there, doing the whole *reaching out arms helpelessly unsure if I should help SOS* gesture, and I just waved him away, like "Yes...you did see that...but no....do not help me...because then other people will look down and see me laying here in my garments."

COOL.

Accident #2: I was filling up my water bottle at the "water bottle filling station." It's like a fancy spout attached to the drinking fountain so you don't have to tilt your water bottle, basically. Anywho, I was using it, and a line started to form behind me, so I started to feel stressed, and did not put the cap back on my bottle as I turned away from the fountain. And guess what, there's a wall next to the fountain, and I ran straight into it, splooshing water up into my face and hair. Again, I waved at everyone as if on parade and ran to a class I was teaching...hair still dripping.

I shall now end this blog post with a list, and then I'll have run the gamut of all the different types of things I blog about (all three things: ranting, embarrassing moments, and lists).

things I have realized recently:

1. It's okay to love fall, but not okay to talk about loving fall (on the internet), because then you are unoriginal. However, talk about any other season and people won't bat an eye. Another example of the internet ruining things that are perfectly a-okay fine. GO AHEAD, LOVE THINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
2. I really like watching videos of people eating hot wings/spicy peppers. Preferably in some kind of contest. Why do I like this? 
3. I think Instagram has killed blogging. You know, the normal kind of blogging that used to be popular before we replaced it with "long captions." Not fashion blogging or sponsored posts, but REAL stuff. I miss that. I'm going to try and write more even if nobody reads it but me.
4. Part of growing old is having weird chin hairs. That's right, chin hairs. I use a little razor to get them off (get this, the razors are called "Tinkle Razors"), and I've decided if this is all that getting old entails, I can handle it. I can adapt. I can buy Tinkle Razors. 
5. I am going to have a runny nose for the next 8 months. 
6. God gave me Houston because his body temperature is 20 degrees more than mine, therefore he is a human heater. It's those little things.

whatta guy

In Defense of Boring Normalcy

You may have noticed my lack of presence on social media as of late.  Or maybe you didn’t, but it doesn’t matter. The point of leaving was not to make people “miss me,” although I know some people do that now as a way to get some kind of weird validation/attention.

No, I was just sick of it all. Almost everything I saw on social media (especially Instagram, but Twitter and Facebook and Snapchat, too) was fake.

Today I signed a sympathy card for a co-worker who lost a parent suddenly. I opened the card and my pen hovered over it for half a minute or so, because what do you say? What can you say that doesn’t sound completely insincere, even though you’re trying to be genuine? The truth is, you can’t. Not really. But acknowledging this and accepting it is better than pretending uncomfortable and awkward and painful things don’t happen at all, and happen to everyone. That’s what I kept seeing on the internet.

Woman’s husband goes missing with no plausible explanation. Internet forums spread like poison, saying truly awful things about this woman and her family. Do they know her? Doesn’t matter. On the internet, humanity seems to be a lesser priority than looking/being a certain way for others (also strangers).

Blogger posts a picture of her kid on a bike without a helmet, in the driveway. Again, people say gross, nasty things to her, condemning her parenting. I’m betting none of them are perfect parents.

The most popular pictures are mostly staged, showing a girl’s “good angles” or her husband’s perfect sleeping face, or an untouched meal. When people talked about being depressed or anxious because of this pressure to be perfect, most every one of their followers reached out saying “me too.” I began to wonder. Social media was starting to be confusing. Like yogurt.

Yogurt has probiotics and it’s generally good for you. But buy the wrong brand and you’ll be eating mostly sugar. But whatever, it’s all yogurt, right? This is a bad metaphor but I’m sticking with it.

After I deactivated my Instagram, I immediately noticed how much time I had in a day. I used to lament in my prayers every night-- “Heavenly Father, please help me have more time to get things done.” Help me have more time. Ha! What a goofy prayer. I hope God knows what I meant when I said that prayer, but uh, we can’t have more time than we’ve got. It’s already been allotted to us. Anyway, I realized this face-smacking obvious fact when I got rid of the biggest distraction of all: other people living their lives. Or taking pictures of their lives. See? Confusing. Yogurt.

I also stopped taking pictures of everything. This might be a negative, but okay...I’m just going to say it...not everything in my life requires a picture for me to remember it. And maybe I didn’t want to remember the day I did laundry all day and killed a giant spider in the hallway for the umpteenth time (mostly I just don’t want to remember we have spiders in our basement). Maybe a normal day is just that--normal! And kinda boring. But who cares? Most days are like that.

Even though I wasn’t taking pictures, I was noticing things more. I had never seen the giant sunflower patch near our house until yesterday. I’m slightly embarrassed to admit this, but I know it can happen to all of us.

I was tired--literally brain-fried--from coming up with a caption for everything. I didn’t see the point of sharing what came in my Amazon packages (Cetaphil lotion and a windshield protector--sexy, I know). You know those “unboxing” videos that are becoming popular now? They just made me feel like I had to buy all the things! And I didn’t. I don’t. I have plenty.

That was the other thing I began to notice--how grateful I am. I don’t need a single thing! Once you need less, you have more. I have health insurance. I have boring five dollar lotion when my elbows get dry. Most days I don’t wear makeup, which is a sweaty burden in the summertime. I haven’t painted my nails in three months. My husband is a really nice guy, who makes me laugh every day. I have a good relationship with my parents. I work in a library and have access to so many BOOKS! (that’s another thing I’ve been doing more of...reading). I get to ride my bike to work, which feels nice. All my organs work relatively well. I have Spotify. And even when something goes wrong and I want to cry (and usually do), the next day, the sun inevitably comes back up... and burns my neck on the way to work.

In short, I’m alive. Most days are not glamorous by any stretch. But I’m trying to love them all. I’m grateful God gave me this time. And even if I’m never a gazillionaire with a huge wardrobe and a year-long travel log and a six pack, I will still feel like I didn’t deserve any of it. When I’m not worrying about what everyone else thinks of me or my life, it leaves more room for serving and loving them, and myself.

Good ol’ King Benjamin tell us how:

“And again I say unto you as I have said before, that as ye have come to the knowledge of the glory of God, or if ye have known of his goodness and have tasted of his love, and have received a remission of your sins, which causeth such exceedingly great joy in your souls, even so I would that ye should remember, and always retain in remembrance, the greatness of God, and your own nothingness, and his goodness and long-suffering towards you, unworthy creatures, and humble yourselves even in the depths of humility, calling on the name of the Lord daily, and standing steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come, which was spoken by the mouth of the angel.

And behold, I say unto you that if ye do this ye shall always rejoice, and be filled with the love of God, and always retain a remission of your sins; and ye shall grow in the knowledge of the glory of him that created you, or in the knowledge of that which is just and true.”

Mosiah 4:11-12 (I would recommend reading verses 13-30 too)

me: "I just want attention right now." houston: "then please write a blog post about me."

This is the first post I have written since being marriaged. Houston is rubbing my feet while I write another blog post of our conversations (he likes to think these posts are all about him, but he wouldn't have anyone to impress with his wit if it weren't for me). 

H: "And on the couch you will find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes." 

H: "Did u know I've proposed to so many girls they call me the Lord of the Rings?"

Houston: "I was the fastest guy in my high school....{long pause}... at fifteen puzzle."

From Jaws: "all they do is swim, eat, and make little sharks."

Houst: "that's all I wanna do!

*at DI*

"Should we set the lampshades on fire and play Modest Mouse?"



"I have crinkle chips"

Me: "I want ironed chips..from the ironed curtain."

M: "I need some gloves."

H: "I have some Michael Jackson gave me. They're all for the left hand though."

H: "If I walked up to you and said 'hey soul sister I'm your mister mister' what would be your response?"

M: "I would punch you ."

H: "Right response." 

H: "I could've picked the princess in the guarded tower, but..instead I picked the one who was always asleep. "

(When watching Skyfall)

H: "You know how the bad guy had fake teeth? Do you think he called them Judy Denchers?" 

cute

H: "When we get married, what are you gonna do at night when you realize I'm a vigilante? 

You'll turn to me and say "oh baby come closer" but I'll be gone. And so will the curtains cuz I'll be wearing them."

*At the Thai restaurant they were out of wontons*

Houston: "It's probably because they closed Wontonomo Bay."

*staring at the rock face in Zion*

H: "How much do you think it would cost to get my face chiseled on that rock?" 

*arguing about plot holes in About Time and him saying Pokémon is better "There's no plot holes in Pokémon!!"

"One day I'll have a boat just for ferrying fishermen. I'm going to name it Carrie Fisher." 

"My phone is like TGI Fridays....endless apps."

*at Best Buy*

Do you remember the guy who helped you?

Uhhh he had a blue polo on.

*on our way to Greek food* H: "I'm the Greekiest Greek Greek Freak."

"Oh I think I'm gonna need frozen yogurt to get through this."

*going into wal mart*

"You're just like Survivorman...but instead of a Swiss Army knife your thing has plastic spoons."

moi: "Oh honey..."

H: "Uh, please call me by my Christian name."

Me: "To every season turn turn turn.... "

H: "To every butter churn churn churn"

H: (no context) "When are we gonna get our next Justin Bieber? First we had Aaron McCarter, then Bieber...but now...we are in an apostasy until God chooses another Bieber." 

*watching LOTR and somebody said Mordor*

H: "Lowe's has more doors."

M, regarding littering: "The world is not your trash can!"

H: "But the trash can is my world."

@ my future: don’t be hasty

Tonight I was packing up my room for the umpteenth time + all the STUFF (pointless stuff) I’ve accumulated over the years and I started to think, as one does....when I started to realize how much of myself has been collecting itself behind me, like a little trail. So I started to get a little nostalgic, because duh. I have so many journals full of entries like this one:

“Sometimes I just WANT to be married and sometimes I’m content being alone. I think I need to be with someone who makes me prefer not being alone, because I honestly really like it.”

Yeah. Yep. Did you know I was two days overdue because I was just too comfy in my mom’s womb? (sorry mom) The doctors even put her on Pitocin, but I would not budge. She got into a Jacuzzi and I floated around happily. #INTROVERT She chewed on ice chips through those contractions and I was like “No thank you, I’m not coming out!”

I’ve always kept myself far from change--as far as I could, anyway. But then 2014 happened. The Butterfly Year. Is that we call those? The year (or years) of life when you metamorphasize from a fuzzy, hungry, fat caterpillar who mostly sleeps into...A CREATURE THAT FLIES! (one is obviously better than the other) That was my year. As evidenced by those aforementioned journal entries (many of them stained with tears), that was the year God really tested me...at times to the point where I thought I would surely break.

I filled up word documents with quotes to help heal the wounds. And I wrote. I prayed, and I ran. Yes, literally running away from my problem(s) helped. I talked to my parents probably more than I ever had before. And slowly, I healed. But then I was a different person--a better version of myself. And that person wanted different things than Kenzie 1990-2013 had wanted. Or maybe she just wanted to obtain those things differently. I mean, nothing was working my way. I decided to bend.

“And we, ourselves, also, through the infinite goodness of God, and the manifestations of his Spirit, have great views of that which is to come; and were it expedient, we could prophesy of all things.

And it is the faith which we have had on the things which our king has spoken unto us [faith in Christ] that has brought us to this great knowledge, whereby we do rejoice with such exceedingly great joy.”

Mosiah 5:3-4 (emphasis added)

I finally finished applying for grad school, after dragging my feet for ages. Seriously--I knew I should apply for grad school a week before I graduated from BYU-Idaho. In 2012. I took the GRE in Fall 2013. Didn’t bother looking at the results because I wanted to stay right where I was. But after 2014, I decided to stop ignoring those promptings I was getting and just see what happened. So I did. I moved to Logan without knowing a single soul there, save for Emily, who let me stay in her house for a week (I still love you for that, Em. And for the pillow chocolates). I lived out of my car for that week, too. I was so embarrassed to be driving around the town with pillows and lampshades and boxes in the backseat of my car. I didn’t eat very much because I didn’t get paid until October 1st (sorry mom...again).

I started teaching college English classes--something you never would’ve caught me imagining, let alone actually doing, not even a year before. I began to write again--for real. Words came out of me that I didn't know were there. I cried a lot. I kept praying, man. I didn't give up but I wanted to all the time. The insomnia that first semester of grad school nearly did me in (BaRF). Something funny happens after you turn into a butterfly--you don’t become invincible. Hard things still happen to you. In fact, their frequency probably increases a little bit. But dontcha see? It’s because you were never meant to be a butterfly or a caterpillar or any kind of insect because you’re a human, dangit! And humans are divine.

As soon as I began to let go of all the things I wanted to control about my life and give them to someone who knew me better than I did, my life changed. I changed. Everything about the last two years is still surreal to me. Every bit of it. I could’ve never guessed that any of it would happen.

And so, if you’re worried or anxious about your future, thinking that maybe something you really, really want isn’t in the cards for you...well, I bet it is. And it’s probably gonna be even better than you think, because you’re not a butterfly yet. Have I beaten that metaphor to death yet?

I re-read those journal entries from 2014, and guess what? I got everything I was mourning over/praying for, but it came to me tenfold.

Don't give up. Don't do it. It's a trick.

what is "blogging"?

replace "leather shop" with "intimate wedding and elopement photographer" and "Arizona" with "Utah"

Guys.

GUYS IT'S ME.

*shakes your shirt collar dramatically*

How many of you are wondering if I used those asterisks-thoughts in my thesis? Well, well, well.
I. Didn't.

I hardly remember how to do this anymore. What do I say? What do you guys wanna know? Who are you? Isn't blogging dead now (thanks Instagram, thanks for the....for nothing)? ??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

One of these days an entire blog post of mine is just gonna be question marks and that's it.

Uh, so I guess updates? I don't have a fancy camera and I'm not a videographer and I don't wear the fancy hats and I guess that's what validates a blog nowadays but I'll probably never have/be those things, at least not as long as this blog exists, so bear with me.

Speaking of "bear with me," I've seen it spelled a bit differently in my time grading papers these past two years. Yes. Bare with me. That sounds like an invitation to get naked. No thank you.

Other unfortunate misspellings:

I would of spelled this correctly if I knew how. I really would of done that if I could of but I can't of.

And then people become out ragged.

Yeah, I get out ragged when you can't spell things, too.

Teachers shouldnt give students so much homework becuz the students get tired and then don't get anything dun. Which is bad for their health. 

Totally agree with you, buddy.

Recently I went to the doctor for a follow-up what I thought was a follow-up. But it wasn't, because as soon as she walked in, her eyes pointed to the robe. And she was like "When I come back in here you need to be wearing just that."

"Sorry. I can't. I'm allergic to nudity."

When I was 11, I got my period for the first time (you all know that story). My mom was good at comforting me (for the most part), but there was one line forever burned into my brain back then, and it came back to haunt me as I sat on the exam table:

"Oh McKenzie. I'm excited for you to experience the Stirrup Phase of your life." Girl, you know she said "excited" with that twinge of sarcasm and regret for having given me the extra x chromosome. Wait. That wasn't her fault. #science

The Stirrup Phase is the name of a book we'll be co-authoring in a few years, give or take (however long it takes me to become mature, so, could be ages from now).

I cannot write all the things she said at this appointment because this is...on the internet and I can't overshare everything but let's just say if Betty White + Professor McGonagall were one person, that person would...definitely not be an OBGYN but, if she were, she would be my doctor.

Dear Diary,
My first blog post in months was a roaring success. 

things houston says: third degree

I couldn't think of any other term including the word "third" besides "the third man," and that's....that's not what I wanted to say.

so innocent. er...innocent-looking. 

"I should become a de-motivational speaker. People will listen to me talk and think 'Wow, nothing is possible.'"

"I was at the Minnesota Vikings game, and they were selling deep fried cheese curds with bacon bits in them. Eating those is probably the worst thing you could be caught doing."

"But you ate them?"

"Yeah, of course.

Me: "I'm always worried about running into him."

H: "Well, just never run."

"I like to know what events I'm missing so I have more pleasure when I'm doing the other thing instead. [for example] I think his town hall is boring but I could be at the trebuchet activity."

Somebody mentioned the Spice girls. Houston: "I love that band! Them and the Dixie Chicks."

H: "You pulled up to me with wild abandon."

H: "With gusto."

M: "With Gaston!"

H: "...."

M: "It was worth a shot."

H: "Harambe was worth a shot."

*veers wildly into the street and begins to play the Black Keys*

"Now that you're probably savoring your life a bit more, you can really enjoy this song."

*accidentally touches my butt*

H: "Sorry, I didn't notice where it merged into butt."

M: ?????????

H: "It's true though. I hadn't ascended the hill yet."

(no context) H: "I don't remember any of my dentists."

*putting our hands together*

Me: "What movie is this from?"

H: "Just Like Heaven." 

Me: "How do you know that?"

H: "I've seen every chick flick every MADE. *whispers* I saw Something Borrowed....twice."

*at the grocery store, we saw a group of people straight outta the 90s

M: "Why are they wearing turtlenecks and overalls?"

H: "They're wearing their parents clothes or something..."

M: "This is a roller coaster I never wanted to get on!"

H: "Are you having emotion-sickness?"

M: "I need the blanket...are you on it?"

H: "I need meth...are you on it?"

*talking about a certain movie

M: Who was the director of that one?
H: He who must not be named...*voice lowers* James Cameron.

*sees sign*

"I hope someday I can hold that title!"

*talking about 12 tribes of Israel*

"I'm from a tribe...called Quest." 

(I was tired and couldn't complete a sentence) 

H: "Yeah...sometimes when people look at my face...they just can't finish their sentences. A cop pulls me over and just goes uhh...you can go."

I write THEM a ticket. For disturbing MY peace. 

Houston: "We'd be the hottest couple in hell."

Everyone: "Wanna watch Gilmore Girls?"

Houston: "No. I have testicles."

*very seriously to me* H: "Have you ever had an account at farmersonly.com?"

"Next year we should have Thanksgiving in a mattress store."

H: "How tall are you again?"

M: "5'3"

I was just wondering if you could join the lollipop guild...

H: "What kind of mom do you think Bath-Sheba was?"

M: "My dad took a class from High Nibley."

H: "Hugh Nibley took a class from me."

*before Christmas devotional*

H: "I don't want a nose ring...I want an eye ring (Eyring)."

Me: "[Star Wars] Episodes 1-3 were so bad."

Houston: "Yeah that's why they originally aired on the Hallmark Channel."

DAGGER IN THE HEART

*loud growl*

Me: "Oh that was my stomach."

H: "Oh I thought it was a train passing above the house."

*sees woman using walker*

H: "Do you think she named it Paul?"

Houston, introducing me at Thanksgiving dinner: "She's constantly on the verge of her next nap."

*Sees guy sweeping salt at Sam's Club*

H: "Geez, save some for the Lake."

H: "The show Naked and Afraid is about people using the showers in the MTC."

M: "You think everything is a front. See that Herberger's over there? It's a front."

H: "There's no way Herbergers stays in business if it's not a front!" 

(but really...everything is a front to Houston)

*looks at self in self checkout*

H: "Self checkout..."

*this happened as I was typing up this blog post*

H: "When we have a daughter can we name her Lisa?"

*long pause*

"And then name our son...Bart?"

Me: "no."

Recently, Houston and I decided to start a music blog. Yesterday we were coming up with URL ideas. This is what Houston came up with over an excruciating hour of brainstorming:

• www.hamwisebanshee.com
• www.ringostarfish.com
• www.JohnCenaaaaaa.com (we had to spell it with five A's because everything else was taken)
• www.cucumberslumber.com (he said this one in a very sing-song voice)
• www.jumpropes4kids.com (???????)
• www.swoonthewizard.com (again, what?)
• www.RichardDryFace.com
• www.logspot.com (obviously a blog about logs)
• www.forrestgrump.com
• www.DanielNightLewis.com