*this was a nice moment*
*asterisks are cool*
*supposedly*
*shoot*
*um*
*i*
I MADE A TRIANGLE ON ACCIDENT! ^^^
Anyway.
Been sitting here (here=in bed, and other flat places) for awhile, doing homework. I had forgotten what it was like to spend an entire Saturday writing papers and reading. I had sweetly slipped into an ignorant reverie where homework and the weekend did not exist in the same sentence. But alas.
I'm a grad student now. It took all of my restraint not to type "meow" instead of "now," but I realized it would've nullified the whole "grad student" thing. AND NOW I'VE GONE AND NULLIFIED IT BY OVER-EXPLAINING.
I nullify lots of things by over-explaining. I'm done saying nullify now, you can quit yawning!
But me, I'm not going to stop yawning. Not for 2 years. Because I'm also not going to sleep for 2 years. And it's okay. I knew I was going to sacrifice something when I signed up for this. The past week has been SO FRAPPING HARD. Like, so hard. Like I kinda wish I could go back in time and visit the McKenzie of 3 months ago who was so blissfully ignorant of what was about to occur, and tell her to "Man up. Get ready. Take 5 naps. Buy lots of Kleenex. You're gonna need it." That kind of thing.
I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss the drive from Orem to Provo and Provo to Orem. YEAH I MISS UNIVERSITY AVENUE WHAT IS THIS BLACK MAGIC IRONIC GARBAGE?! I could go on and on making lists of people and places that I love and wish I could've taken with me to Logan.
But then I remember how it felt when I moved to Provo--about the same. I hated it. Wished I wasn't there. Wondered why I had been led there at all and spent many nights crying, alone, and hurting, and thinking "This was a bad idea. Why did I do this?" And if you could go back even further in the McKenzie Timeline, you would see the same pattern over and over. When we moved here from Oregon, I knew 100% it was right, but I didn't like it. I felt extremely uncomfortable. And alone. When I moved to Rexburg, I felt funky and too young and out of place and cold. The feeling of being cold never went away. But the other stuff did.
So now, here I am, in a similar position, once again being pushed way outside of my comfort zone and, in classic human style, not liking it one bit. We all like the idea of change and adventure and growth, but the actual doing of the thing gets a little bit tangled. So what are we supposed to do?
Well, I learned this trick in institute last week. This trick that involves asking. When we pray, a lot of the time, we offer up a prayer that goes something like "Please bless that a will happen because you're God and I can't do it myself." Example: "Please bless that whoever didn't come to church today will come next week. Amen."
But those kinds of prayers...they don't work. It says right in the scriptures that a prayer without the intent to act behind it is void. It doesn't count. Maybe we don't pray the right kinds of prayers because we're scared of the answer. Because we kNOW that it's going to get answered. If instead we prayed "Help me to know who is missing at church today so that I can help them come back next week," that prayer would get answered pretty quickly.
In summary: faith is hard. It's supposed to be. Without it, we can't get nooooo miracles. And trust me, when you've been awake all night because you're nervous about teaching in the morning/surrounded by spiders/worried about never having a social life ever again/lonely/too hot/too cold/too hot again...you NEED miracles. As many as you can get your hands on.
So let's try it out, friends. Let's just try out this whole faith thing and see where it takes us. I'm game.
Can we make wrist bands that say, like, 'Faith. Just have it'. or #faithinapril or faithbuti'mstillcryingalittle
ReplyDeleteone of my favorites posts you've ever shared. LIKE EVER. thanks for being brave and showing me how to live life. also, that whole prayers being useless unless we intend to do something thing -- totally shared that with a member on the mission once. people don't use the bible dictionary enough, there is some good stuff in there. anyways, here's a big chunk of goodness for you (the very last part BLEW MY MIND when i read it for the first time. the whole praying in Christ's name thing).
ReplyDeleteAs soon as we learn the true relationship in which we stand toward God (namely, God is our Father, and we are His children), then at once prayer becomes natural and instinctive on our part (Matt. 7:7–11). Many of the so-called difficulties about prayer arise from forgetting this relationship. Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant but that are made conditional on our asking for them. Blessings require some work or effort on our part before we can obtain them. Prayer is a form of work and is an appointed means for obtaining the highest of all blessings.
Christians are taught to pray in Christ’s name (John 14:13–14; 15:7, 16; 16:23–24). We pray in Christ’s name when our mind is the mind of Christ, and our wishes the wishes of Christ—when His words abide in us (John 15:7). We then ask for things it is possible for God to grant. Many prayers remain unanswered because they are not in Christ’s name at all; they in no way represent His mind but spring out of the selfishness of man’s heart.
I don't know if you remember me but we went to high school together. I'm Megan Bridges :). Anyway, I would like to thank you for this post. I too have moved to Logan this fall to attend Utah State. Not for grad school though. I am wayyyy too slow at the school thing for that, but I have been feeling discouraged and wondering why I am here. I liked what you shared about prayer. I realized that I definitely don't pray like that because I definitely know that my prayers will be answered. I am working on that faith thing. Which ironically might be why I was lead here. We got this girl :).
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh! I'm just seeing this comment, what is wrong with me. #sobehind. I DO remember you! And I think I saw an instagram post of yours just the other day and I was like "Wait she's at USU!?" Let's go get ice cream. That's all.
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