the art of asking for things

I hate the weird encroaching feeling that I get sometimes when I haven't written on this blog in awhile. And I'm starting to think my actual journaling habits are starting to coincide with this blog as well. I cringe as I type this, but I haven't written a real-life journal entry in my beloved notebook for four months now. Anyway, blogging. Why do I feel obligated to share whatever happens to be in my head for the entire world to find/read/analyze/laugh at/laugh with/cry with? 

I'm sure many a blogger has had a "blogging existential crisis" and oft times it led them to just delete their blog altogether and then they have declared themselves "free." Well, it wouldn't be so for me. Like, I did that once. I didn't delete the blog, I just abandoned it, because it felt finished. In a certain English class many years ago, one of my poetry professors said no writing is ever finished, we just abandon it. So, whatever, it was finished, I abandoned it, the things I created the blog for had served their purpose and I put them in the proverbial Cemetery of Blogs (RIP and I'm sorry that people still find that blog because they google "redhead in overalls." I'm not sorry my blog is the first hit, I'm just sorry people are still googling that for some reason? Although overalls are making a comeback. I DIGRESS). But I need to write. I have to write somewhere, and blogging seems as good a place as any.

The point is, sometimes I have no idea why I am still blogging. Especially when I feel like I don't have anything to say, nothing. Since school got out for the summer I have been experiencing another round of writer's block, which comes to haunt me at the worst possible times--when I have nothing to do. I have TIME. I have actual time, reams of it, with which to work on my thesis or read or do anything but study, and yet inspiration eludes me. 

Instead I sit at a very small cubicle (technically it's an isosceles shape but there's not a name for desks shaped like triangles, k) every day and call 250 people a day and I rehearse the same words over and over and I get paid minimum wage to do that, because I still have to buy groceries, even though I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job of existing right now, yes I still have to eat. Dangit. 

And I give plasma (sorry mom) because of the same reasons and dadgummit I just hate this feeling of wasting time. 

So of course, after another day of letting it crash down on me, I crashed (literally) up against a chair and broke my pinky toe, and now I can't walk without looking like I'm coming forth from the Black Lagoon. This happens a lot. When I need to be humbled, God usually does it by way of physical ailment because then I have to--DUN DUN DUN--rely on other people. The horror! But really. A nightmare for someone like me who wants to be independent every ding dong day but also feels like a useless fish right now with no purpose but also still wants to try and do everything herself. 

So then God, all-loving and perfect parent that He is, says gently, "McKenzie, you need to practice reliance. Not just self-reliance, but reliance on others."

Think of it this way. Somewhere someone in your general arm's reach has prayed today for an opportunity to serve someone. It may have even been you that they prayed for specifically! And when you say, "No thanks, I can do it myself," even when you're literally limping to go to the kitchen, you're not letting that person's prayer be answered, and you're also being a stubborn donkey. Cut it out, McKenzie.

My point is, it's okay to ask. It's okay to ask for help, inspiration, patience, a physical helping hand, eternal perspective, understanding of sorrow, and all the other things.

That's what the scripture says: "Even more amazing than modern technology is our opportunity to access information directly from heaven, without hardware, software, or monthly service fees. It is one of the most marvelous gifts the Lord has offered to mortals. It is His generous invitation to “ask, and it shall be given you; seek,and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.” This timeless offer to provide personal revelation is extended to all of His children. It almost sounds too good to be true. But it is true!" Russell M. Nelson "Ask, Seek, Knock"

I'm not saying the answers will come quickly or all at once. They usually hit me when I'm least expecting it. When I have waited for quite some time. I know I'm an impatient person because God makes me wait a lot--He's teaching me patience. My old stake president called them "at the buzzer moments." He said God loves "at the buzzer" moments. Right at that point when you think you just can't anymore, that's when he gives you the answer or the help or the inspiration or whatever it is. But He won't give you anything if you don't ask.Somehow I started a post about not feeling inspired and ended it with...asking. Hmm. Interesting.

I've now reached a point in my adulthood when going to bed at 11pm is "early" ew

I've been looking for an excuse to post this somewhere

Lest you think I have completely fallen off the wagon (ha, what is that phrase), I'm still writing. Mostly poetry. For my thesis. And I've been reading. Mostly poetry. For...yeah, you guessed it.

Other things I've been doing besides blogging:

• walking to and from the grocery store and exercising my arm muscles but mostly getting those weird sweat driblets from my arm crease? Woof.
• hammocking on Old Main Hill. The right side of the hill is immaculate and beautiful, while the left side is totally gross. It's a funny story. During the school year, someone put weed killer all over the newly planted grass instead of fertilizer. Hence, now there are dead, brown patches and other parts with weeds growing like they came straight outta Jumanji. It's bad. So I hammock on the right side, obviously, for aesthetic.
• driving to Idaho. jk, Houston drove to Idaho. but I was in the car. and it was my idea. also, Idaho isn't that far from Logan (try 20 minutes). I could probably suggest a trip to Sudan and he'd be like "sure, why not?" everyone should have someone like that in their life. well, not someone who would willingly go to Sudan. merp.
• eating my weight in string cheese and hummus. when summer comes, I no longer want meals-- just snacks. it's weird.  and it's not a weight thing. srsly.
• re-watching The Office. for some reason I never actually watched the episode when Michael leaves? Now I know why. Cry-fest.
• starting to work in the temple again. technically I don't start until next week but I got set apart and after that they said, "Welcome home!" :''''')

and now, pictures! I should probably put these first so you guys are lured into the blog post and then can leave whenever you want. whoops.

mi amor, Kyrbo, taking a pic of the sunset #candid

that rock I'm staring at in the distance=Angel's Landing. yeah we hiked the mountain ABOVE it, which is nothing short of hellacious, mostly because there's no shade and it's 8ish miles uphill. but we dID IT, amen.

me on the last day of school picking up thesis books from the library. I have been to the library three more times since then. YEAAAAAAAAA 

on the way home from St. Jorge, we got caught in a storm

on the Idaho border, woo

SHMAE came to visit!!! We went to Morty's, the D.I., walked around campus so I could convince her to come to USU (it worked) (I think), and then went up the canyon. Houst was a great third wheel.

me: "ugh, I look so short."

houston: "yeah. I look so...tall." 

me: -_-