Movie Night With Kenz: Shutter Island {Alternate Title: Leo Lives in Struggle City}

No, I'm not talking about the camera store in the Valley River Mall which bears the same name. Also, disclaimer, I watched le edited version, but in the woods, in the dark, so it probably didn't make any difference. Whytheface do I do these things to myself?

I sure love writing these. They kind of read like the memoir of someone who used to do acid. Anyway. This is a review written in "real time," meaning, my thoughts as I was watching it, because no, I did not bring my computer. I'm not devoid of all compassion and manners.

me before this movie:

me after this movie:

* * *

(obligatory asterisks)

So. Leo is really upset about something (I am 20 minutes late to this but it's not my fault hashtag Trent). I have this text to go on: "Two FBI agents are investigating the disappearance of a psycho patient on an island." Out of context, he's obviously talking about an episode of Dr. Phil. Butt I digress. 

Leo (Agent Always Looking Real Confused Face) is running around at this camera store (nope, island, sorry) with Mark Ruffalo and my jaw is starting to hurt cuz I'm chewing my gum nervously because this DANG MUSIC. Have you ever watched a scary movie w/out the music? It's ridiculous. I did that once with "What Lies Beneath" and the entire movie is just Michelle Pfeiffer staring into a bathtub and needing an Aspirin. Dumb.

*Leo has war flashbacks*

*these upset me so I clench my fists as a subtle clue that I am upset*

Leo looks confused. Leo always looks confused. Why hasn't he won an Oscar for this confused face it's like his only face.

*Leo smokes a cigarette*

*Leo yells at Mark Ruffalo*

*I'm feeling hungry*

*Alright, I'll start calling him Agent Teddy*

Very well played, Martin Scorsese. Well played. "Agent Teddy" has got to be the least ominous name ever but slap it on a disturbed FBI agent and bam now it is creepy. BIEN HECHO.

K now there is another woman who's looking nappy as heck (nappy=needs a nap). Wait the guy from Tuck Everlasting is in this too?! (SEE PIC BELOW HE IS NOT A TRUSTWORTHY HUMAN LOOK AT HIS OUTFIT)...but now he's a doctor. I obviously don't trust him at all because he's wearing a bowtie and if U WORKED AT A CRAZY-A PLACE LIKE SHUTTER ISLAND you wouldn't wear bowties you'd wear all black all the time probably and carry a scythe oh wait I'm describing Death oops ok so anyway this dingleberry is CRAZY. Point made, 10 years later. 

So I don't trust him, but he's telling Leo/Agent Teddy that they found the crazy mujer that he and Mark Ruffalo were looking for, and I'm like "Huh? Whatever. Nope. It's probably a mannequin or someone who LOOKS like the woman he's looking for." Also, the movie has only been going for like 30 mins so there's no way that's her. NO. Way." Such articulate. Very orator.

Wuuuuut that's Amy from "The Kid"! One of my fave movies which is completely different than this one and maybe that's why I am super freaked out by her character. Think Nicole Kidman from The Others but even more bat-shiz-crazy, and also in a Pioneer Dress. YEEEEEE. 

see? look how nice she looks in The Kid. She's in her pajamas. Petting a puppy. WITH BRUCE WILLIS, who is in a sweater. now imagine her in the complete opposite scenario, and that was her in Shudder Island. Shutter Island. Whatever.

*at this point I was in the fetal position*

*TURN DOWN THE MUSIC PLZ I HATE THIS STUPID MO--*

Ok wait. She thinks that she knows Leo from somewhere, and he's like "???" "No? I don't know you?" *backs against the wall dramatically* *Christopher Nolan def stole some parts of this for Inception*

Ok but I have totally had this conversation before with someone on campus! She came up to me and was like "Hey! Oh my gosh I loved those cookies you brought us!" Now, I did bring cookies to lots of people back in those days because I wasn't as greedy, so this wasn't weird. And I DID know her from one of my classes. *plot thickens like pulpy orange juice, gag* 

She then said "Yeah can I get the recipe?" 

I was like "Oh yeah it's so easy..." still not remembering when I brought this girl cookies...so I give her the recipe and she's like "I thought they were Oatmeal Chocolate Chip!" 

I was like "No, I haven't...made those...for anyone...e..ve...r" and she goes 

"You brought them to 215! A few daays ago." 

I was all "honey where u live?" And she said "Carriage House" and I was like "Oh I've never taken cookies there." She went "Oh my gosh. I'm gong to walk away from you now." Completely mortified. And I laughed so hard my eyebrows fell off.

SO LET'S JUST SAY THIS CONVO BETWEEN LEO AND AMY FROM "THE KID" WAS JUST LIKE THAT ONE I HAD EXCEPT NOT ABOUT COOKIES, BUT ABOUT WEIRD CRIMES THEY DID IN THE PAST WHICH THEY CAN'T SEEM TO REMEMBER BECAUSE THEY HAVE REPRESSED THEM, OBVIOUSLYYYYYYY. Leo is lookin' real confused (again). 

Meanwhile everyone else is like "Get it together Leo. Like FIGURE it out." Can't tell if they are talking to his character with their eyebrows or The Academy, who inevitably watched this movie at some point. 

"FIGURE IT OUT. GIVE HIM THE OSCAR DANGIT."

Mark Ruffalo looks so good in his patient clothes. ? Well. 

Alright, somehow Leo got to a cave on this island. Caves=never a good idea. They have NEVER been a good idea.

here is my proof:

*LOTR Return of the King (spiders)

*the bum on the Oregon Coast living in a cave when I was 12

*The Goonies? Ok come on how many more perfect examples do I need

*did I mention the bum that was living in one when I was 12? ok

So now Patricia Arquette is in this cave with a shank, and she's built a fire, which, hold on, don't you need a chimney for that? Whatever. WH A T EVE R. She's like "Btw Leo, you're being drugged, they want you to think you're crazy and you can never leave this place, lol."

*Leo has more freakish flashbacks*

*Now I am trying not to pee my pants cuz I'm so creeped out*

*it's the music, mostly*

Leo gets out of the cave at some point, and oh yeah he's in these white clothes like he's a patient and then I'm like "Oh, he is dressed as a patient...hmm...could it be that he actually is one? Plz don't let that really be the punchline of the movie because if so I just figured it out and it's not even close to over."

But GUYZ. I figured it out. That's it. That's the whole movie. Leo is a patient, but the Doctor/Ben Kingsley lets him wander around the island and pretend he's an FBI agent again (cuz he used to be), which seems like the dumbest idea ever. "How about we take this really crazy patient, who murdered someone, and let him wander around the island and pretend to be an FBI agent? Sounds ruhllll smart. I am the smartest! I am a doctor, after all." PSH.

Also, who wrote this line: "If I sunk my teeth into your eyeball right now, how fast do you think it would take for you to go blind?"

LIKE WTH??!?!?!?!?

Go to bed, Martin Scorsese. And by bed, I mean therapy.

My reaction faces, probably (I didn't have a mirror, duh!)

nobody reads this anymore

Look, I'm smart. I went to elementary school. And when our eyes started to glaze over, the teacher knew what was up. She put Bill Nye on, and bam, our attention was salvaged (for the time being). So, a video!

Sorry mom.

The next vid will be about Adventuretime as per the request of Trent, who is probably the only person who will watch it.

I give this video a 5/10 (or, an F). I didn't even try.

europe: a table of contents

our very last walk in Europe (we trespassed)

When I'm catching up in my journal, I often write a "Table of Contents" for whomever might be reading it in the future (hashtag angels, wink-wink). I just wanna be helpful! And now I am doing it on this blog, to mostly help me remember what happened and to basically tell you everything that happened in short one-liners. Still, this ended up being way too long. If you read them all, you should probably find other constructive things to do with your time in the future. Also, thanks for being my friend. 

Chapter 1: In Which I Pack a Blowdryer, Nearly Unhinging The Entire Trip Because My Hair Permed Itself in Europe (Humidity and the Like)
Chapter 2: Wow This is Kind of Fun and Stupid to Capitalize Every Word I Feel Like I'm Writing Fall Out Boy Songs
Chapter 3: In Which I Fly on a Plane for 10 Hours (Or, More Accurately, Sit on a Plane for 10 Hours), And Do Not Sleep, and Freak Out Over the Sheep I See Everywhere When We Land in Scotland at 7am
Chapter 4: In Which Our GPS Fails to Realize Where We Are
Chapter 5: In Which We Drive on the Wrong Side of the Road and Almost Get Hit by a Bus (twice)
Chapter 6: In Which We Buy a New GPS
Chapter 7: In Which I Fall Asleep Every Time We Sit Down (I Don't Remember This Day Very Well But I Know We Went to a Castle and Some Museums)
Chapter 8: In Which I Get Shoved by a Lot of Asians
Chapter 9: In Which The Above Chapter Becomes the Chapter of Everywhere Else We Go, Except for Germany
Chapter 10: Nobody Goes to Germany
Chapter 11: Except for Us
Chapter 12: Paris is Very Dirty
Chapter 13: I Thought Paris Was Dirty But Then I Went on the Metro
Chapter 14: Wait I Skipped London!
Chapter 15: London Stressed Me Out Because I Wanted to See Everything, Except for the Nudity Which I Did See, Dangit
Chapter 16: They Don't Let You Take Pictures at Kensington Gardens??? Because Kate & William Live There? But? Like? They? NeverGoOutside????
Chapter 17: If America Had Parks Like Europe (Especially London/Scotland) Had Parks, I Would Never Go Inside
Chapter 18: Hold On, I Need to Talk About Scotland Some More
Chapter 19: Scotland: Green Rolling Hills, Sheep, Chocolate, Sheep, The Best Accents of Ever, Castles, Sheep, Green Rolling Hills
Chapter 20: In Which I Decide to Move to Scotland
Chapter 21: LONDON'S INDIAN FOOD!!!!!
Chapter 22: Every Guy I Passed in London: "I'd Date That"
Chapter 23: You Think I'm Exaggerating But I'm Not
Chapter 24: Don't Go Inside of the Phone Booths Because People Do Unspeakable Things in the Phone Booths
Chapter 25: It's Not Worth It: A Summary of Almost Every Touristy Thing You Can Do in Europe
Chapter 26: It's Worth It: A Summary of All the Food You Can Eat in Europe
Chapter 27: The Only English I Heard In France Was "Selfie" From the Guys Selling Selfie Sticks At Every Corner
Chapter 28: It Weirds Me Out When People Take Selfies in Notre Dame
Chapter 29: Or Any Church, Basically
Chapter 30: NOBODY PREPARED ME FOR SHAKESPEARE BOOK COMPANY
Chapter 31: The Only Touristy Thing I Liked in Paris: That Bookstore
Chapter 32: Mona Lisa Is Very Anti-Climactic
Chapter 33: Turns Out the Steps of Versailles is An Okay Place for a Nap
Chapter 34: Thus Continues My Streak of Falling Asleep On Top of Famous Structures
Chapter 35: I'm Still Not Over the Man's Face Who I Saw on the Gallieni Metro Line at 10pm on Sunday Night Like Are You Even A Real Person
Chapter 36: I Can't Go Home Without All of the Bread Here
Chapter 37: SWITZERLAND!!!!!! OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOGMGOMG
Chapter 38: Switzerland: Still Not Over It
Chapter 39: The Night I Ate a Pizza from a Place with Bongs in the Windows and We Couldn't Park the Car Anywhere and We Had to Go Inside The Shoddiest (Yes, I am British Now) Driveway/Garage Thing Very Late At Night and I was 100% That We Would Get Murdered
Chapter 40: We Didn't Get Murdered, but We Almost Got Locked Out of the Hotel
Chapter 41: Even Though I Had a Key
Chapter 42: So Switzerland Is Awesome but They RLY Need to Work On Their Locks/Doors
Chapter 43: "I Kinda Hate You": A Thing I Said In My Head to Everyone I Passed in Switzerland Who Lived There
Chapter 44: Heck No I Am Not Paying 30 Bones for a Burrito
Chapter 45: Your Country Is Still Beautiful, Tho
Chapter 46: Germany is A Giant Forest Full of Random Cabins and Cows and I Listened to 10 Podcasts While We Drove Through It
Chapter 47: Austria Won For Best Park
Chapter 48: Because Nobody Was In It
Chapter 49: S/O To The IKEA In Austria Which Had Excellent Wi-Fi
Chapter 50: S/O To The Lady Who Sold Me Raspberries That Day in Front of Mozart's House/Restaurant BC She Saved Me From Near Collapse
Chapter 51: I Think We Accidentally Went to the Cemetery from The Sound of Music
Chapter 52: HOW DOES THIS HAVE 52 CHAPTERS I AM NEVER ACTUALLY WRITING THESE OUT
Chapter 53: Munich is Like the Ogden of Germany
Chapter 54: But the Gelato is Only One Dollar
Chapter 55: I Think I Sat in Duck Poop
Chapter 56: I Bought Most of my Chocolate in Munich On the Last Day Because This Place Was Selling it For a DOLLAR
Chapter 57: Chocolate Is Actually Heavy
Chapter 58: You Can Hear the Planes Flying Over Our Heads In Our Hotel Room :'(
Chapter 59: The Pull-Out Bed We Are Sleeping On Is More Like an Abandoned Shopping Cart With a Mattress On It (Kind of)
Chapter 60: In Which We Fly (Sit) On a Plane for 13 Hours and I Puke for Most of the Last 2
Chapter 61: God Bless America

NOT-VERY-CHRONOLOGICAL PICTURE DUMP BELOW:

um. this cat's face. the only thing I remember from that day I sleepwalked around Scotland.

jk, I remember this. EDINBURGH (pronounced Edin-Borough)

at church on Sunday the bishop told us once we went to the highlands we wouldn't want to go anywhere else. he was right.

I just can't.

my future house in Inverness

wait no maybe this one.

cutest old German man was watching the sunset from Inverness Castle. heart-melter.

I wish all the convenience stores in America looked like this. And also sold chocolate and bread and cheese like this. And also were this.

this castle in Scotland reminded me of Ever After (which I know is in France, duh). It rained a lot that day.

if you can go inside a cathedral for free JUST DO IT, MON. What? Jamaican? I don't know.

I'm clearly the most photogenic.

hey you pretty ladyyyyy (wait crap, it's Big Ben, that's a boy clock)

that giant ball hanging from the middle is a tennis ball. the first night we were there we watched the French Open with some French people behind the Eiffel Tower and I was like "hahaha all my friends are at the Rooftop Concert right now hahahahaha"

THIS. BOOKSTORE. 

mm jes.

this isn't the actual famous lock bridge, but fun fact, Paris is tearing that one apart. it hasn't stopped people from putting locks on basically every bridge in Europe, though. Not sure why an entire posse felt like had to write their names on the bridge, but whatever. You don't see ME writing the names of all my FB friends on a bridge, do YOU? It would take hours! (Kidding, only like 2 seconds)

No Quasimodo sightings, unfortunately

Lucerne, the first place we stopped in Switzerland. I bought a water bottle to pay for parking. It's a long story. No it's not. I bought a water bottle to pay for parking. Europe. Smh.

Then we drove through this and I was like "are we in Middle Earth"

LOOK AT THIS CAT.

I walked around this lake/church/village by myself for an hour. Only saw like two other living humans. Said "I hate you" to them under my breath, followed by "I want to trade lives with you."

PERMED HAIR. This isn't even the curliest it got, cuz this is on top of the Alps and it was sort of cold. In London my hair was lit'rally ringlets every day. I have eye wrinkles now....?

We got lost but it wasn't terrible.

Idk which mountain that is but they're all famous and Patagonia names clothing after them, or something. Speaking of Patagonia (the store)...there is a very single guy who works at the one in Interlaken who is very desperate for a woman-friend. We walked in and he pointed to his friend/other employee working there and immediately said "He's married." Me and Sarah just said: "???????????????????"

the city of a thousand waterfalls (yeah not a joke). we hiked to the top of that one. 

sigh.

taken from the car, somewhere in Austria.

my bladder was sO FULL when I took this picture (TMI and all that garbage)

I ran around this village trying to find our car so I could pay for parking again because the spaetzel was almost ready! Yes that sentence was out of context but don't expect me to clarify it for you. 

Germany. Smh. This village rly liked Christmas decor.

Bavaria (like the pastries)

Mozart's homespeezy. a few feet away there was a band of youths (all male) and they kept asking us if we spoke English. how did they know and also why do they care and also stop smoking, youths. 

that park in Austria #nohoomans

love myself/hate myself

what's a latergram, but a blog post? a laterblog? oh who even cares. this is from my drafts.

I hate myself because I just watched the Bachelorette and nobody forced me to.

I love myself because I exercised while I did it, so it wasn't all for naught.

I hate myself because I don't even own a pair of black leggings and it's on my to-buy list before I leave for Europe. Black leggings? What girl doesn't have those?? WHY AM I TALKING ABOUT THIS ON MY BLOG.

I W A T CH E D T H E B A CH EL ORE T T E  O K A Y

I love myself because I found a study abroad through my grad program. In AUSTRIA.

I hate myself because it takes me like 4 hours to shower after I exercise and even then it's like.. "Hmm well I could shower in the morning and not sleep on wet hair." Priorities. 

I love myself because I have good taste in music.

I hate myself because when a favorite artist's new album comes out I listen to it 60 times in a row and then ruin it.

I love myself because sometimes, when a favorite artist's new album comes out I save it for like 6 months later and then I get into it slowly. But that doesn't happen very often. Whomp whomp.

I hate myself because I just said "whomp whomp."

this post starts with a cat picture and that's where it should end (but it doesn't)

things not to do when you have jet lag:

1. wake up
2. be awake
3. not sleep
4. not be dreaming
5. not be in a bed
6. not have your eyes closed
7. be alive

Ok, so I'm exaggerating a little. Have you ever laid down in traffic? Have you? Then you know what jet lag feels like.

I can't promise I'll ever be done complaining about it. There are two things that make me very moody indeed, and they are not getting enough sleep and not getting enough food. I struggled with both in Europe but then coming home was like being covered in mayonnaise and then getting hit by a train. Huh? 

Yeah. That metaphor should've been saved for never.

As per Murphy's law, as soon as I arrived home, everything was thrown into a chaotic pit smelling like the Goodwill on River Road, which, if you've never been there (it's in Oregon), it smells like poop. Yes. Feces! I hate saying both of those words so don't expect me to do that again. However, I am still jet-lagged so expect me to say them again.

Yes I am still talking about jet-lag in this post and if you've gotten this far why give up now? C'mon you JERRY-BASTIONS.....that's not the phrase. But you're smart. Figure it out.

Anyway, back to Monday. Monday was the day Murphy's Law paid me a visit. I woke up at 5am after a confusing/terrifying 4 hours of REM-cycling. This is because my nocturnal body clock *I know that's not what it's really called* was trying to do a Tour de France, so to speak, but then the European part of my body clock was like "YOU SHALL NOT SLEEP!" How many of you read that in Ian McKellen's voice? I did. I'm the only one reading this. I know it.

In those four hours of sleep, I managed to have the absolute worst nightmares (animals dying=McKenzie crying--look it up because it's a real nursery rhyme). I never have nightmares, except for when I do, because I'm having trouble sleeping. And so it goes! I then went to work but kept forgetting how to do simple tasks, kept getting up to do something and then completely forgetting what that thing was, and ended up going to the bathroom, whereupon I realized my bladder was empty. So I filled up my water bottle (Water Bottle #1. Water Bottle #2 has since been lost on the tracks of the London Underground) and I must've forgotten to screw the cap on tightly.

After work, I hastily threw everything into my purse and stumbled out the door, bleary-eyed and unsure if I should be driving myself anywhere, except to the nearest mattress store, but goshdANGIT that was kind of far (more than one block when you're jat-lagging=far). I kept imagining my kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Bass, with her freakish Dustin Hoffman jawline and incredibly tanned skin (not unlike a jersey cow), saying "Do not color that Mickey Mouse anything but red and black, McKenzie! Dangit!" She didn't say "dangit" but being five years old, it felt like she did, and I cowered in the corner with my yellow and blue markers thinking "?????????" (and crying). And why I thought of her in this moment, I am not sure, but it probably made me lose focus, at which point my water bottle was turned upside down inside my purse, spilling out its contents everywhere.

Everywhere=my wallet, my phone, my spare keys, my lint balls. My phone. My phone. 

So I got home and my phone had this weird wet streak underneath the glass screen kinda like someone had wiped it with a (used) Kleenex, and I shrugged with dead eyes and a deader heart and said "Eh, could be worse." Browsed Instagram for a sec. Tried to send a message to my grandma. Then it died. My phone, not my grandma. Anyway I would never refer to her as "it"! 

Is this blog post over yet?

Oh yeah, so if you're tryn'a talk to me, you can't, and I'm not ignoring you, but just be grateful I can't actually text anyone right now because it would be a lot like this post. Immmmmploding. And I can't show you Europe pictures but if you come over I will probably give you chocolate. Oh, who am I kidding. Just look at Instagram. The chocolate is basically gone now. I refuse to be shamed by this.