I have no idea what I'm doing. I read that in my head very slowly, so that my head might comprehend it, and then perhaps maybe my head would/will stop being so hard on me. Sayin' things like "You're not good enough for this" or "You should probably just give up now because you're lost" and other such awful things. Awful, I tell ya. "Sometimes to stay alive you gotta kill your mind," yes I just quoted song lyrics on here, yes I just quoted a Twenty One Pilots song on here, but it applies. And I'm alllllll about constant and thorough application (especially when it comes to lotion).
The story goes like this:
Girl graduates from college (the first time, lol).
Girl thinks now she has everything figured out.
Girl does not.
Girl takes a handful of jobs that don't really suit her and don't pay the bills sufficiently.
Girl plays with the idea of grad school for a long time (3 years), but doesn't do anything about it because she's scared it will just make her poor again and she still won't have any idea what to do with that degree. So she waits in fear.
Girl finally applies to grad school and gets in. A sign maybe? Maybe she is supposed to do this after all?
Not knowing why, girl moves to Logan and starts school.
It's hard.
Way harder than she thought.
She never sleeps because of all the work, and she's lonely, and is still freaking out thinking, "Why am I here??"
The second semester is better.
Girl sort of knows what she's doing now.
She sleeps better.
But occasionally, the original panic sets in.
Like today.
Today, the girl woke up having left another awful (temporary) job, and, realizing she was again without a steady income... panicked.
Girl walked to plasma center, where her pulse was so high (i.e. the panic) that they turned her away.
Girl cried all the way home because now she can't even give plasma, which makes her feel dumb for coming all the way to grad school without any idea what she'll do with the degree (sound familiar)?
Girl has a shower cry.
Girl prays.
Girl tries to convince herself that what she's doing really is right because she felt like it was many times before, even though it feels totally ridiculous and illogical right now.
SPOILER: THE GIRL IS ME.
I have been struggling for awhile. Since 2012 when I left BYU-Idaho, I thought that my life would finally "start," whatever that means, and I'd get a good job and establish myself in the world and not constantly worry about if I was gonna have to buy groceries that week, bla bla bla. I hope this doesn't come off as whiny. It's mostly just to say that if you're panicking about a recent huge life choice you made, it's normal (I hope???). I mean, it's relatable. I MEAN...I think this happens to everyone at least once, but probably more than once.
We get prompted to do something that would majorly test our faith, so we do it (after some nudging, at least on my part because I am stubborn and fearful), and then things don't really...work?
I don't know why, but I always expect things to go smoothly after I follow a prompting. Like, yes, now my life will feel complete and I'll feel like I'm going in the right direction. Things will get easier now.
No. That's never happened to me. Following promptings is hard, and I don't just mean the initial "yes okay I am going to do this finally" part, when we surrender our stubbornness, but when we actually start the dang thing it feels impossible. It feels never-ending sometimes. It feels like...I have a lot more shower cries to come until I get this right.
I've been sitting in this basement apartment since last August and looking upwards going, "Okayyyyy?????? Is this right???? Did I make a wrong turn? Are you absolutely sureeee????"
Sometimes I don't get any feedback. Which is hard, because feedback is what keeps me going (just ask Houston, my love language=words of affirmation). But that doesn't mean God isn't there and that He isn't listening. Sometimes one prayer is enough to get me through one more day, and then I try again.
I'm trying to stop asking so many questions and just...go. Just do it. And then I remember that the right path is always uphill (President Eyring said so), so this has to be right, even though it feels wrong sometimes.
DOES THIS MAKE ANY SENSE?!
I don't know how to end this, so....goodbye and peace be the journey and I'm trying and so are all of us so let's just calm down for a sec and stop panicking.
you have lived the life i am currently living. and i find that so god-sent and validating.
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