what kind of girl am I, anyway?

mcfrenzy tip: if you're stressed, depressed, and overdressed (like me right now), look up.

This has been on my mind a lot. A lot. Translation: since before I started blogging again. Actually, probably right about the time I stopped blogging on ye olde blog, and had a weird funk when I couldn't/didn't want to write. But I've found that even (and probably especially) at times when I didn't feel like writing at all, that was when I needed it the most. #lifemetaphor

So, I must write. And this is important to me, so I'd better get it down somewhere while my thoughts are (sort of, mostly not) organized.

I've been in this weird funk since graduation. Which was....uh....2 years ago this April. TWO. What the carp (yes, the fish). The morning after the ceremony, I woke up in our hotel room and my dad said to me, "Kenzie. This is the first day of the rest of your life."

I guess that's true. Once a big milestone is accomplished, you feel this sort of freedom. You're not necessarily a brand new person, but you've finally done something that was looming ahead of you forever, like the end of a rainbow. P.S. Has anybody ever successfully gotten to the end of one of those? It used to be on my bucket list. Until I turned twelve.

Well anyway. We all have those huge ambitions in life that usually take a long time, and once we've done them, it feels kind of...off. Errybody knows what I'm talking about. And most of the time you're stuck there saying "Um, now what do I do...heheh...?"

Let's get real for a sec. I was good at school. I'm not saying I was a good student (and I guess I was but that's not the point I'm making, homies)...I mean, like....I liked being in the library. I liked the feeling of bustin' out a 10-page research paper in a day (but I don't ever want to do that again, kthxbye). I loved being in class (especially English class...seriously who wants to let me take their English class for them?). And I did that for most of my existence, until 2012, at which point I had to re-evaluate muh lyfe, and in so doing, I lost my footing. For a long time.

I'm still regaining my balance. I'm trying to figure out who the heck I am, if I'm not a full-time student. And I know I can keep learning even though I'm not in school..ha. I've actually been learning a lot, mostly through trials and experiences which I did not ask for. Heavenly Father is a perfect parent. So I know that it will work out. I know that from experience.

So. Another growing pain (which has been nudging me for a couple years now) is occupying most of the space in my brain right now. And while I was in the shower yesterday (too graphic? probably. but it's my THINKING PLACE!) all of these ideas started flooding over me right along with the shower water! I mean! Synchronicity, anyone?

...well I thought it was cool.

I'm a little late to this resolution game, and trust me, these aren't new, and I'm not going to say that they'll be solved in a year, but I have to put these down. I can't carry them around no mo. Ya feel me?

The thing is, I need to start being the person I want to be today. I'm not going to wait anymore. I'm not going to wait until certain events line up in my life to become a better person. I'm pretty sure that's not how faith works. Faith moves forward, and fear + pride freeze us up. They stop progression and ruin everything. Ain't nobody got time fo dat! Srsly. Like, I don't have time to be wasting.

First of all, I need to stop feeling guilty for things that aren't my fault. Helloooo, I'm pretty sure 98% of the female world population experiences this emotion. Guilt is only useful when it moves us to change our actions, and also if it comes from something wrong we did. I have this problem (and it's embarrassing to admit), but yo, I'm like the Rogue of guilt (you know..the crazy girl from X-men). If somebody is having a hard time with something, I see how it could possibly be my fault, and transfer the guilt onto myself. This. Is. Not. Smart. Nor. Is. It. Healthy. So if anybody out there that's reading this is also participating in this activity....stop. I'm serious. Just cut it out. You don't have time to feel bad for other people's mistakes and your own. It's too much.

Also, guess what? It's not really making use of the Atonement. Alma 7:11 lists all of the things Christ took upon Himself, and it really was everything. So don't carry what you don't have to. It will drag you down and give you jellybones in your arms. Trust me.

So, that's something I want to become--someone who shows compassion and love to others, while at the same time avoiding feeling guilty for their problems. Clarification moment: one of our baptismal covenants is to bear others burdens. I believe in doing that of course. But there comes a point when I take it too far, and start to believe that their burdens are my fault. Or that I'm not carrying it enough. Make sense? Richard G. Scott says it better...and he's an apostle. So I'd suggest reading that there talk.

Another thing I need to work on (majorly) is my faith. I struggle with believing in miracles. For others, yes, I believe in them. But for myself...not as much. I gotta work on my first person faith. It's okay (and also preferable to a happy lifestyle) to believe in miracles. I'm pretty sure Heavenly Father supports that! He can't bless us if we don't believe He will. So do the opposite of what the world teaches...and believe in good things! Here's another awesome talk for that...it changed my life.

I feel like I just gave a talk in church....like I lit'rally almost just typed "In closing..." Oh gash. You guyz. I know you expect funny posts and ridiculous gifs most of the time. And that's what I'll give you. But sometimes, I gotta wax poetic. Or shave poetic. Ha. What? W-H-A-T. I know what you're all thinking.

I think this post is long enough. I have something funny up my sleeve...so no worries, homies. I'll be back with more of dis:

This is art. 

You know why? You could lit'rally caption it with any bad situation and then BAM.

That moment when you get to class and realize you have a test.

That moment when you're hungry and realize you have no food.

That moment when you're busy doing life and then someone is mean to you.

That moment when you're blogging and you realize your post is sort of a rambling mess but you put it on Facebook anyway so the whole internet can find it. 

Wait.