an email excerpt from 3 months ago that was strangely foreshadowing

me @myself

I re-read emails I have written to people because they're kinda like journal entries. This one in particular...was just so good. Also, I have writer's block and can't think of anything to say right now. So I'll go for something I said.

subject line: brain barf
to: my sister missionary frand, Brittney

When I first typed the subject line, it came out "Brian barf." And that makes no sense at all, but it's way funny, right?

I just really felt the need to write you today. And maybe I just needed to write and get some shiz out of my head, but I'm writing it to you. I hope you ENJOI it. Ok, first of all. This new trend of spelling "enjoy" E-N-J-O-I? Horrible. Needs to be aborted. ABORT ABORT.

Time for the real reason of this email, which is me barfing my thoughts onto paper. Erg...not paper..just...email screen...whatEVer. I guess I've already started the brain barf prematurely huh. 

I was typing "pantry" in a work email and it came out "panty." H8 MY LYFE. Not really though. Because that was funny, in a sad way. Kind of like when a girl tucks her skirt into her tights unknowingly and her undies are showing. Funny and sad. NOt sure how I finagled an underwear reference into that paragraph TWICE but I did. And that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Ok, wanna hear a dumb/funny story? *you nod your head because that's what all my emails are*

In 10th grade, me and Mike Shepherd were in the same seminary class. He does not remember this. All I really remember about him are these 2 things:

1) he had a Beatles haircut

2) he said "that's the way the cookie crumbles" once

/THE END

I just want you to know that I ate the equivalent of a giant peanut butter cup for breakfast today. But it was healthy. Really! It was "paleo" or whatever. So it was healthy, but essentially, almond butter+chocolate on top. I EAT DESSERT FOR BREAKFAST THERE I SAID IT.

here's what else I have been thinking about lately:

1) my back hurts way too much for a regular 25-year old person

2) I'M OLD. I'M LIKE THE CRYPT KEEPER (name that movie!)

3) I still don't know if I got in to grad school. Or if I got rejected. And I keep having minor panic attacks every night thinking "OMG I didn't get in did I oh no oh no what will I do with my unmarried self then??" Isn't that stupid? But also part of me knows I will get in and I should stop pitchin a fit. 

4) I'M GOING TO EUROPE. Not Ukraine :'( but we will be on the same continent again, for 2 weeks! hahaa! Okay that's kind of sad but better than not being on the same continent, right? #trufriendship

5) seriously my baaaack

6) my friend Draya that I work with just randomly said "Do you guys wanna know how Lamanites girded their loins?" I lost it. LOST IT.

7) this early spring weather in UT is slaying me. I can't handle it ~~~*** I just know we're going to get winter dumped on us again and all my hopes will be dashed for an early spring. From your emails, it sounds like Ukraine is in the same boat. But not the same continent. Duh.

8) I would probably stab a man for a burrito right now. 

9) when u get home I'm gonna tackle you with love (that just means I will hug you until your head pops off, but not in a literal, graphic way, just metaphorical, hence the "Tackle with love" bit)

10) I should prolly end this brain barf now. Right now.

Manswers: Part 1 in A Series (Nothing to Do With Men) (I Just Combined My Name with "Answers")

Presenting a newwww series: McKenzie's Manswers! It's like the advice column you never knew you wanted/needed/because you didn't.

I've gone on a cleaning spree lately. It all started when I moved a few months ago. Moving always makes it easy to get rid of stuff, because yo, it's easier to take 1,467 trips to your new home if you have less stuff to haul. I mean. I still had to take 1,467 trips but whatever. W H A T E V E R.

After I sold a bunch of clothes and other unnecessary carp I had accumulated, I gave it away. When I moved back home, I did the same thing again. I've done it three times now and I don't think it's going to stop. HALP. It feels so good to get rid of stuff...CANTSTOPWONTSTOP (not the band).

I was listening to a podcast last week about a girl who got a job as a cleaner-upper of those hoarder houses. And she said this lady's house was like nothing she had ever seen. The stuff had piled up to the ceiling, ok? And the woman was very feeble and sick (partly due to the condition of her house) so she claimed that whenever she dropped something on the floor, she couldn't pick it up, so she would buy another. !!!!!

And that pattern continued for years. They asked her why she hadn't gotten one of those reaching sticks that picks up stuff for you, and then they unearthed about six of them under a pile of stuff. She had dropped those, too.

So if that doesn't motivate you to clean up a lil' bit, call TLC up! I'll watch! I mean, huh?

Another thing I resorted to clean out today was my email inbox. Ew. And also, holy entertainment-ville because the things I wrote even two years ago were so so so stupid. Did I say entertaining? Here is the subject line of an email I wrote to somebody 2 years ago. What even????

And THIS email which I wrote under the subject line: "In response to some guy telling me I have a "weak heart":

HAHA! I'm certifiable. This was written 3 years ago ok bye.

I also found the draft of a blog post I never published, so I am presenting it to you now, unedited in all its not-glory:

gonna write me some raps. 

saran wrap, saran wrap, you stick to my food, you get me in the mood

to eat lasagna

well, so, it might have been awhile. 

(penguin falling off a slide gif)

some things that make me laugh when I randomly think about them during the day:

1) the way commercials are 10,000 decibels louder than the actual show you are watching.

OXY CLEAN WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE

(blows sound out in the room)

COFFEE STAINS, BLOOD STAINS, WHATEVER STAINS

(everyone scrambles for the remote)

CALL NOW AND GET ANOTHER BOTTLE FOR FREE

(atomic bomb goes off outside)

You know?

other stuff:

2) one summer me and my friend tessa were obssessed with cloud-watching. once we found a manatee. A MANATEE CLOUD. And I remember writing in my journal that day "I can't believe I'm writing about manatee clouds." #lifeisbeautiful

3) the comments section of CNN. alwayz. some guy commented on an article about Willie Nelson getting arrested for pot possession (again). He said this: "Who cares if he was smoking pot? I get wasted every day and I ain't never killed nobody! I usually just hit up McDonald's and get stoned playing video games after!" -_-

4) when I'm talking to my mom on the phone and all of a sudden she goes "oh no, oh no oh no not that!" and I have a mini panic attack and say "What is it? What happened?" and she goes "Ah, I just had to spend all my coins on a Lollipop Hammer." Candy Crush Anonymous, do you exist yet?

etc etc etc

***

Clean something and you might find some hidden treasures..or you might just find something gross like a piece of old popcorn behind your bed. Not like that happened just now.

Next week on Manswers:

this post is sponsored by Back Rub Bribery©

Ellie asked me to proofread one of her "story boards" for school, which I guess is a chapter in a story she's writing. I have no idea what the title is, so feel free to conjure up your own in your imaginings. I laughed out loud about sixty times while reading it (yes, that is hyperbole, for once) and then asked her if I could publish it. She wailed "No, no, noooooo!" but with a smile on her face...? Talk about a confusing woman. So I bribed her. Duh.

Disclaimer: I refrained from editing this too much, besides some commas/periods, because it's way better that way. DUH. Again. "Duh" is one of those satisfying words that just echoes when it leaps off the tongue. Y'know?

Lessons in Making Slang Sound Beautiful: by McKenzie.

***

After six months, Bryan finally left juvie (translation: juvenile detention). He went strait to the place Cara was usually at. 

"She's sleeping," Bryan said. "This is my big chance. But I'm not prepared at all. My breath stinks."

Bryan hurried home very quickly. He didn't want to miss his big chance. But by the time he came back, she was already up. 

"DANGIT!" he shouted. "I missed my big chance! Wait a second...I'll kiss her at night! Sure she'll be asleep by then!"

Sure enough, Bryan was right. 

He used his brother's cologne so he smelled fabulous. He knelt down and started to pucker his lips. Every second he got closer, he felt like throwing up. He ate 10 tuna sandwiches half an hour ago! (see fig 1)

But he couldn't give up on his dream right now.

So he hurried and kissed her. But he kind of did it quick. 

"Aaaaaaaaa" Cara said. "Why would you throw up on me, you idiot!" 

"Sorry," he said nervously. "Bye!" He went running.

A couple days later from the throw-up accident, Bryan went up to Cara to apologize. She said it was okay and gave him a peanut butter sandwich.

"Mmm," Bryan said. "Thanks!"

"No problem," she said. "I got so much money last night because you threw up. I counted, $999,999,999,999. I bought myself a mansion. I'm rich now!" 

"What's going on with my cheeks?" Bryan asked. 

"Maybe you're allergic to peanuts," Cara said.

"How can I be allergic to peanuts??"

"Maybe because you kissed me." 

Sure enough, Cara was right. It was because he had kissed her. 

"How?" Bryan asked the doctor.

"It's because she is allergic to peanuts, so when you kissed her, she passed it onto you."

Fig 1: Bryan pigging out on tuna sandwiches under a...mobile???

***

And that, kids, is why you don't kiss. Not anybody! Ever! Otherwise you may never get to enjoy peanut butter again.

anytime someone looks at me: *peace sign*

going to there.

Dear Apple, why do you make such expensive/sleek products and then make it so they have to update every hour on the hour but also make it so you have to delete everything on your device to update it and also just...why?????? are you??? the way that you are???

I sold ye olde iPod (because #europe) but then when I went to erase it, it locked me out! So here's a big PSHHHHHHHH to Apple. PISH-POSH! To you and yours! (Also RIP Steve Jobs). After 3 hours of reading those huge-long threads on Apple Support (which isn't actually "Apple" Support, it's "Humans Who Have to Put Up With Apple Helping Each Other" Support), I finally got it erased. But honestly. Ok rant about technology is over for today.

So. Europe. I didn't really tell very many people I was going because...well, because of that whole internet stigma of people having the perfect life (on the internet and only the internet, so help us all). And I know what it's like to be jealous of people who supposedly have lives where they do the following: travel a lot, "wake up like this" a lot, are "obsessed with their husbands" a lot, have cute puppies a lot, seem really fit/like they have awesome thighs/perfect brows/can rock a beanie/look good without eyelash extensions/are very very spiritual a lot. And ya know what, okay, people DO have happy lives! It IS a thing! But the internet has somehow made it...not ok? To be doing cool things?

I get it. Instagram is one particular platform that presents a "highlight reel" if you will, and yes, I sometimes scroll through someone's feed and want to gag because I'm like "Where is the justice?? I'm a good person, right! I wanna shop exclusively at Madewell and be friends with bulldogs! PICK ME, UNIVERSE!" But I've also learned this from the internet: it's only a half-truth. Everybody suffers. Nobody is exempt from problems or struggles every single day. According to my Instagram, I'm in the woods a lot and I draw a lot. I have time to draw about once a week and I rarely ever plan to go to the mountains. It's spontaneous, yo! What I'm try'na say is...stop comparing yourself to strangers on the internet because it just makes everything in your life less awesome. And everyone's life is awesome. Even if it's not in Instagram. And even if it is!

*soap box collapses*

Where was I even going with this???????

Oh yeah. So Europe. I'm going there. And I hope when you see the pictures you'll be like "Hey! I'm totally gonna follow her footsteps someday." Because that's what I do now when I get envious of people's Instagram-lives. And then I see a picture of a mom with puke on her shoulder and I think the same thing. Gotta keep it realz.

P.S. If I was rolling in the Benjamins I would take ALLL of you to Europe with me. By "all of you" I mean my parents first, then siblings, then the rest of all of you.

if ur reading this, congrats! you can read! you are literate!

Hey guys, been awhile. I'm "watching" Revenge of the Sith (blargh) because I'm a true fan and I have to participate in Star Wars week as part of my membership in the "True Fan" club. Or something...

The last three are way better. Er..first three. Gosh dangit George! Why did you do this to us?! This is completely pointless so far.

My thought process throughout this day (yes I wrote down my thoughts as they came, aren't u lucky):

My freckles came back! Oh but wait is that a mole? Hmm maybe it's a beauty mark. Yeah, a beauty mark. 
Why did I go grocery shopping late at night...
All I wanted was to avoid seeing people I knew and to get my Cheddar Bunnies.
What the! There's no Cheddar Bunnies?!?? Oh shoot..that boy looks familiar
Yes he...he did a double take when he saw me too. His snapback hat is obscuring his peripheral vision though so maybe he just has a weird tic that makes him look like he's looking sideways but he's not so maybe he didn't see me
Excuse me while I pretend to need this pastry flour...
Oh but I COULD make muffins!
Oh now he's looking at me...better back away slowly...we only went to Mexico together and I don't think he remembers what I look like since I wore one outfit the entire time and it wasn't the one I'm wearing now.

*later*
If you like someone (me) u should probably tell them (me)
Hmmm I need to start planning for my camping trip next weekend.
This is the summer of lots of trips and being mostly poor so I'm actually thinking about entering those sweepstakes on the backs of cereal boxes.
Update: the sweepstakes on the back of Peanut Butter Crunch box is not worth it. I will not glue a cardboard mustache to my face and post it on social media.
Wait...people already do that when they aren't entering sweepstakes....
Oh but I AM excited for the farmer's market and mint lemonade and for the day I live within biking distance of one.
Bc then I won't have to drive there and get hit on via my car. Or hit by another car. Or hit a pedestrian with my car (all three of these things have happened).

Pause in my thoughts for a moment to tell you guys about my car. It is quite old (circa 1985), it's brown, and it looks sort of like a DeLorean. Spelling anyone??? Ever since I inherited it in 2012, it has earned many a hairy eyeball from the likes of creepy men everywhere. It also bears a scar on its left side because of a certain incident (#jerrywayne), but it still attracts attention, which makes me slightly uncomf because I know nothing about old cars really and so I feel kind of embarrassed to be driving one that's so classy. It's like a 15 year-old who knows nothing about the Beatles somehow getting ahold of an original record. And they're like "Hey! The Beatles! That's a band from Forever 21, right?"

You know?

have you ever not known your pic was being taken?

yeah whatever I mean my phone is like my own personal paparazzi

and I have a tumor in my mouth