You may have noticed my lack of presence on social media as of late. Or maybe you didn’t, but it doesn’t matter. The point of leaving was not to make people “miss me,” although I know some people do that now as a way to get some kind of weird validation/attention.
No, I was just sick of it all. Almost everything I saw on social media (especially Instagram, but Twitter and Facebook and Snapchat, too) was fake.
Today I signed a sympathy card for a co-worker who lost a parent suddenly. I opened the card and my pen hovered over it for half a minute or so, because what do you say? What can you say that doesn’t sound completely insincere, even though you’re trying to be genuine? The truth is, you can’t. Not really. But acknowledging this and accepting it is better than pretending uncomfortable and awkward and painful things don’t happen at all, and happen to everyone. That’s what I kept seeing on the internet.
Woman’s husband goes missing with no plausible explanation. Internet forums spread like poison, saying truly awful things about this woman and her family. Do they know her? Doesn’t matter. On the internet, humanity seems to be a lesser priority than looking/being a certain way for others (also strangers).
Blogger posts a picture of her kid on a bike without a helmet, in the driveway. Again, people say gross, nasty things to her, condemning her parenting. I’m betting none of them are perfect parents.
The most popular pictures are mostly staged, showing a girl’s “good angles” or her husband’s perfect sleeping face, or an untouched meal. When people talked about being depressed or anxious because of this pressure to be perfect, most every one of their followers reached out saying “me too.” I began to wonder. Social media was starting to be confusing. Like yogurt.
Yogurt has probiotics and it’s generally good for you. But buy the wrong brand and you’ll be eating mostly sugar. But whatever, it’s all yogurt, right? This is a bad metaphor but I’m sticking with it.
After I deactivated my Instagram, I immediately noticed how much time I had in a day. I used to lament in my prayers every night-- “Heavenly Father, please help me have more time to get things done.” Help me have more time. Ha! What a goofy prayer. I hope God knows what I meant when I said that prayer, but uh, we can’t have more time than we’ve got. It’s already been allotted to us. Anyway, I realized this face-smacking obvious fact when I got rid of the biggest distraction of all: other people living their lives. Or taking pictures of their lives. See? Confusing. Yogurt.
I also stopped taking pictures of everything. This might be a negative, but okay...I’m just going to say it...not everything in my life requires a picture for me to remember it. And maybe I didn’t want to remember the day I did laundry all day and killed a giant spider in the hallway for the umpteenth time (mostly I just don’t want to remember we have spiders in our basement). Maybe a normal day is just that--normal! And kinda boring. But who cares? Most days are like that.
Even though I wasn’t taking pictures, I was noticing things more. I had never seen the giant sunflower patch near our house until yesterday. I’m slightly embarrassed to admit this, but I know it can happen to all of us.
I was tired--literally brain-fried--from coming up with a caption for everything. I didn’t see the point of sharing what came in my Amazon packages (Cetaphil lotion and a windshield protector--sexy, I know). You know those “unboxing” videos that are becoming popular now? They just made me feel like I had to buy all the things! And I didn’t. I don’t. I have plenty.
That was the other thing I began to notice--how grateful I am. I don’t need a single thing! Once you need less, you have more. I have health insurance. I have boring five dollar lotion when my elbows get dry. Most days I don’t wear makeup, which is a sweaty burden in the summertime. I haven’t painted my nails in three months. My husband is a really nice guy, who makes me laugh every day. I have a good relationship with my parents. I work in a library and have access to so many BOOKS! (that’s another thing I’ve been doing more of...reading). I get to ride my bike to work, which feels nice. All my organs work relatively well. I have Spotify. And even when something goes wrong and I want to cry (and usually do), the next day, the sun inevitably comes back up... and burns my neck on the way to work.
In short, I’m alive. Most days are not glamorous by any stretch. But I’m trying to love them all. I’m grateful God gave me this time. And even if I’m never a gazillionaire with a huge wardrobe and a year-long travel log and a six pack, I will still feel like I didn’t deserve any of it. When I’m not worrying about what everyone else thinks of me or my life, it leaves more room for serving and loving them, and myself.
Good ol’ King Benjamin tell us how:
“And again I say unto you as I have said before, that as ye have come to the knowledge of the glory of God, or if ye have known of his goodness and have tasted of his love, and have received a remission of your sins, which causeth such exceedingly great joy in your souls, even so I would that ye should remember, and always retain in remembrance, the greatness of God, and your own nothingness, and his goodness and long-suffering towards you, unworthy creatures, and humble yourselves even in the depths of humility, calling on the name of the Lord daily, and standing steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come, which was spoken by the mouth of the angel.
And behold, I say unto you that if ye do this ye shall always rejoice, and be filled with the love of God, and always retain a remission of your sins; and ye shall grow in the knowledge of the glory of him that created you, or in the knowledge of that which is just and true.”
Mosiah 4:11-12 (I would recommend reading verses 13-30 too)
