friday thought

Passion has little to do with euphoria and everything to do with patience. It is not about feeling good. It is about endurance. Like patience, passion comes from the same Latin root: pati. It does not mean to flow with exuberance. It means to suffer.

— Mark Z. Danielewski, House of Leaves

a bunch of things I have an opinion on which nobody should read into

that makes me l-e-g-i-t

(so does spelling words out for emphasis)

This post exists because I'm procrastinating writing up ALL of my lesson plans for the fall semester, which are due in 24 hours, L-O-L. The only thing Twitter did for me was make me start saying "lol" non-ironically. I say that like it's a good thing and it is not.

I worry about blogs.

Blogs are just...eh.

I think that some people (myself included) spend too much time reading about other people's lives and not enough time living their own. I think they analyze the details of someone's life down to what carpet is in their living room and what paint is on their walls and WHICH MASCARA THEY USE because heaven forbid they have their own opinions on things. You know?

Is this what we've become? People who try to live vicariously through others? No way, man. That's lame.

And now, as if to prove my own point, I am going to make a list of popular things I have an opinion on, which you shouldn't take into account that much because they're all silly things, really, and I wholeheartedly believe the saying that you should "take other people's opinions lightly--VERY lightly." Next time you see an FB status that gets your goat, take a deep breath and walk away because I bet you commenting/not commenting probably won't change that person's mind. After all...they're posting it on Facebook.

THINGS I DON'T GET (BUT ALSO DON'T H8 ON):

• Pokemon Go. If I was a person that played games at all, I'd probably play this. I think it's especially great for people who have a hard time leaving their house because of mental illness. Like REALLY. You're not cool for hating this. The other night me and Houst were walking up on campus and passed a crowd of Pokemoners (is that the right noun???) and he was trying to explain the game to me to the best of his ability but he, like, lowered his voice to a whisper and said "I don't wanna say anything wrong and get called out..." HAHA. What have we become.
• The Bachelorette. It's the worst. Show. But. It's entertaining and they know how to entertain, dangit. It's all a scam, I know. It's not a template for healthy relationships, I know. It's gross that she makes out with multiple guys at the same time, I knOW. But could people be writing these kinds of recaps from a show like Law & Order? No. As for me and my house, I just read the recaps because I don't have time to watch 3 hours of grape-crushing-v-neck-wearing-protein-bar-eating madness. 

THINGS I DON'T GET AND KIND OF H8 ON A LITTLE

• Most of what's happening in the election...I'm so tired of reading about this. I actually might hate on this a little. This=the constant coverage of everything ridiculous the Trumps are doing. Does anybody know about his policies or are we focusing on lit'rally everything else he says/does? GAH. 
• Anything to do with the Kardashians + Taylor Swift. NO. Please tell me we are not picking "sides" between celebrities because of a silly feud that has nothing to do with anything important. EEEEEEEE. 
• Bloggers tryn'a validate reasons why they aren't completely active...I think this is a very personal thing and you shouldn't really talk about it on yo blog. Keep it between you and whomever you worship. I think it's damaging to other people who might be struggling and you offering up your opinion on your "personal journey to freeing yourself from the church" is makin me crazy. I KNOW THIS SHOULDN'T BOTHER ME and I should turn the other cheek and I'm just gonna say it this one time and then never again.

THINGS I HAPPEN TO LIKE THAT SOME PEOPLE TRY TO USE  TO MAKE THEM SOUND COOLER/SMARTER

• going to concerts
• liking music that's not on the radio
• drinking Kombucha (HAHahHAHAHAHAHA)
• pronouncing "kombucha" correctly
• reading the news

You aren't better than anybody because you do or don't participate in most of the things I just listed. That's the point!

Listen. I have an idea! Let us not worry so dang much about what other people like/don't like, unless it's some form of extremism or illegal activity and instead worry about things we could improve on. "We" meaning our own selves. I think the advent of social media has ruined some people's identities. And ya know who likes to make us forget about our identities? YEAH.

/end rant

(another thing to add to that list up there: ending things with a cool slashy thing and "end rant")

DON'T TAKE THIS POST TOO SERIOUSLY CUZ I SURE WON'T 

an honest post

I'm going to let you in on a secret. I am pulling you by the shirt collar so you'll lean in while I whisper it to you. Ready?

I have no idea what I'm doing. I read that in my head very slowly, so that my head might comprehend it, and then perhaps maybe my head would/will stop being so hard on me. Sayin' things like "You're not good enough for this" or "You should probably just give up now because you're lost" and other such awful things. Awful, I tell ya. "Sometimes to stay alive you gotta kill your mind," yes I just quoted song lyrics on here, yes I just quoted a Twenty One Pilots song on here, but it applies. And I'm alllllll about constant and thorough application (especially when it comes to lotion).

The story goes like this:

Girl graduates from college (the first time, lol).

Girl thinks now she has everything figured out.

Girl does not.

Girl takes a handful of jobs that don't really suit her and don't pay the bills sufficiently.

Girl plays with the idea of grad school for a long time (3 years), but doesn't do anything about it because she's scared it will just make her poor again and she still won't have any idea what to do with that degree. So she waits in fear.

Girl finally applies to grad school and gets in. A sign maybe? Maybe she is supposed to do this after all? 

Not knowing why, girl moves to Logan and starts school.

It's hard.

Way harder than she thought. 

She never sleeps because of all the work, and she's lonely, and is still freaking out thinking, "Why am I here??"

The second semester is better. 

Girl sort of knows what she's doing now. 

She sleeps better.

But occasionally, the original panic sets in.

Like today.

Today, the girl woke up having left another awful (temporary) job, and, realizing she was again without a steady income... panicked.

Girl walked to plasma center, where her pulse was so high (i.e. the panic) that they turned her away.

Girl cried all the way home because now she can't even give plasma, which makes her feel dumb for coming all the way to grad school without any idea what she'll do with the degree (sound familiar)?

Girl has a shower cry.

Girl prays.

Girl tries to convince herself that what she's doing really is right because she felt like it was many times before, even though it feels totally ridiculous and illogical right now. 

SPOILER: THE GIRL IS ME.

I have been struggling for awhile. Since 2012 when I left BYU-Idaho, I thought that my life would finally "start," whatever that means, and I'd get a good job and establish myself in the world and not constantly worry about if I was gonna have to buy groceries that week, bla bla bla. I hope this doesn't come off as whiny. It's mostly just to say that if you're panicking about a recent huge life choice you made, it's normal (I hope???). I mean, it's relatable. I MEAN...I think this happens to everyone at least once, but probably more than once. 

We get prompted to do something that would majorly test our faith, so we do it (after some nudging, at least on my part because I am stubborn and fearful), and then things don't really...work? 

I don't know why, but I always expect things to go smoothly after I follow a prompting. Like, yes, now my life will feel complete and I'll feel like I'm going in the right direction. Things will get easier now.

No. That's never happened to me. Following promptings is hard, and I don't just mean the initial "yes okay I am going to do this finally" part, when we surrender our stubbornness, but when we actually start the dang thing it feels impossible. It feels never-ending sometimes. It feels like...I have a lot more shower cries to come until I get this right.

I've been sitting in this basement apartment since last August and looking upwards going, "Okayyyyy?????? Is this right???? Did I make a wrong turn? Are you absolutely sureeee????" 

Sometimes I don't get any feedback. Which is hard, because feedback is what keeps me going (just ask Houston, my love language=words of affirmation). But that doesn't mean God isn't there and that He isn't listening. Sometimes one prayer is enough to get me through one more day, and then I try again.

I'm trying to stop asking so many questions and just...go. Just do it. And then I remember that the right path is always uphill (President Eyring said so), so this has to be right, even though it feels wrong sometimes. 

DOES THIS MAKE ANY SENSE?!

I don't know how to end this, so....goodbye and peace be the journey and I'm trying and so are all of us so let's just calm down for a sec and stop panicking.

thoughts after an accidental 3 hour nap

The kind of nap that really ties you up and beats you up and you wake up totally disoriented and frothing with hate.

Well, not hate. 

Just...more tired. 

How can that be?

I really need to ride my bike to the dermatologist, but it is so hot.

Every summer I remember how hot it gets. Why do I forget? It's like when those monthly cramps come and every time, EVERY time I forget what it is. Every summer the heat wave starts to get more intense and then I remember just how much heat I can handle (not a lot). Which is not my favorite, because I would rather be warm than be cold.

I prefer the sun being out until 10pm instead of 5. Winter will now always remind me of never ending grading and insomnia.

So every summer I resolve to embrace heat again, just accept that I'm not going to bother fixing my hair or doing makeup or any of it because it all melts off of me. I am part wax. I accept this, and that's when I accept summer isn't out to kill me after all. Instead it's more of a recharging thing. Like how Superman is with the sun. 

I recently stopped taking my phone places--I was guilty of not enjoying things because I had my phone. Not because I needlessly surfed the Internet during a time when I could've been having an awkward conversation with a stranger or just (gasp) sitting in silence--although those are good enough reasons. I felt like I was doing a lot of things just to show that I did them on the Internet. 

Whom am I proving myself to? People on the Internet who don't know me and some who do, but the ones who do don't need proof...

Proof of what? Proof that I hike or make myself food or draw or sit on my roof sometimes to escape bugs (it doesn't work)? That's just me living my life, but ever since the invent of social media, everybody wants to share those normal things (good), but sharing them gets in the way of actually experiencing them (bad).

Sharing them means making them look better than they really looked (filters or perfect hand placing or what have you). 

And that part of it was giving me anxiety. I don't wanna spend the entire hike thinking of a caption to the picture I'm eventually gonna post of aforementioned hike! What is that?!

And so, last weekend we went to Peter Bjorn and John and I did not take my phone. I have no record of it. But the air was perfect and nobody spit on me (yes!) and they played our favorite song at the very end. I never once felt distanced from anyone because there was nothing between me and everyone else. No phone/other virtual world.

Recently, two women I follow on instagram lost their husbands very young. One of them wrote a post that struck me--she said that all of the things she used to post about--hair, clothes, recipes, etc--all of that was superficial. In her darkest hours, the most important things she'd clung to were her testimony and the love of her family. She reiterated that those are the most important things, and we should focus more of our daily energy on them. I felt guilty. Because I do that; I care too much about things that really don't matter.

Last night we went on a long walk and the sunset must've just known I didn't have my phone, because it was spectacular. Like if a hymn was a sunset. You know? I have no proof that these things happened, at least not tangible. But I can write what I remember--that's what I've always done. In the last few months, good writing has eluded me. I think I know why. I was investing all my creativity into one small thing, a small thing that yielded poor returns: likes. 

LIKES. I sold my soul to the devil for likes. But not anymore. I'll be writing much more and I hope you'll come back. If not, welllllll, I'll still be writing.

dude. this was where a guy killed that giant grizzly bear in the 1920's (10 ft tall, 1 ton, etc) (so much YIKE)

on a sidenote, Utah is really beauteous. always. forever. whoever says it's ugly

has never left their house.