will write for tacos: "even in hell I'd be the center of attention."-Houston

this is my life now

As you all well know by now, I like to record the ridiculous/awful things people say without them realizing it and then publish it later on this blog! I think that's called something else in the real world...like...libel...or something?? Heheh anyways who cares about the law, right? *something about freedom of speech*

*Me, trying to get something off his shirt where his biceps are*
H: "yeah, they real"
(should be noted that we weren't dating at this point)

H: "That was your first mistake...most girls wouldn't be around me without a knife."
(I have no context for this now so it sounds realllyyyyyy bad)

*coming to a realization about the importance of fashion*:
"Wait...your shoes do matter."

We were watching 2001: A Space Odyssey (weirdest movie ever) when this scene came on: (basically, a bunch of gorillas gather around a big piece of space cement which falls from the sky and subsequently lose their minds)

Houston's reaction:"It's just like when a girl walks into elders quorum in the singles ward!"

H: "They should make a separate hymnbook for girls called 'Hers.'"

"If a horse speaks in code is it called morse?"

"I'm so strong that I can not work out for years and I'll still be stronger than you."
*sarcasm*

Being dead serious and straight-faced:
H: "You're... a home breaker."
me: "Do you mean homewrecker?????"

M: "There's something in your eye.."

H: "It's not my glimmer?"

M: "Your eyeballs match your face right now!" (Bloodshot eyes, sunburned skin)

H: "You mean they're both pretty?"

(we don't actually talk about his eyes as much as this post would insinuate)

H: "I thought about you all day today except for when I was eating cuz then I was thinking about food."

H, trying to find the cemetery: "Where are the dead people?"

H (no context because there is none): "I had a really good ham today. It was really tender. And fatty. That's how you know a ham is good."

Me: 😐

Helping me walk over ice: "I used to escort this old lady to church. This reminds me of that. Also you're about the same height as her."

H: "Do you think Larry King was sponsored by light bright?"

H: "You put a lot of lettuce in your omelette."

M: "That's not lettuce that's kale."

H: "Oh. I've never seen kale before."

😂😂😭

H, reminiscing on heroic summers of his youth: "We all life guarded together and it was really nice because we never had to save anyone."

Me trying to write something in his mom's Mother's Day card: "What should I say?"

Houston: say, "It's a good thing you're not my mom because then I couldn't date your son!"
Me: "No"

*Me, talking about a podcast regarding Richard Nixon*
H: "I don't think it's entertaining to watch Republican presidents humiliating themselves."
HAHAHA this is even funnier now than when he first said it

*sees risqué album cover*

His mom: yeah, that one's called A Star is Born

Houst: SOMEthing is about to be born!
(I am not going to put the album cover on here)

Me, quizzing Houst on previously learned veg knowledge: "Say, what's this vegetable?"

H: "It's kelp..."

Me: "No, kale."

H: "Well, kale comes from the ocean too...?"

H, impersonating me being a klutzbomb:
"I'm McKenzie and all my problems are self inflicted."

H, driving to St. George in the middle of the night:
"Everyone should drive in the right lane except for me."
me: *is immediately comforted*
(not)

*Me, citing the gross verse in the Celine Dion song that says "there were nights of endless pleasure" as the reason I wasn't allowed to listen to the song as kid"

Houst: "What! Well, they probably just started a Monopoly game at 9 and it went all night!"

H: "I put the man in mayonnaise."

M: "Please don't ever say that again."

Me *reading a sign* "Under new ownership...that's a good band name."

Houston: "Or a good relationship status on Facebook."

Me: "Only if you're the guy."

Houston: "Do you think if pigs knew how good they tasted they would eat each other?"

Shae: "What's a black currant?"

Houston: "It's a steady flow of black culture."
btw, THIS is a black currant: