things houston says, part II

Since this made Houston a veritable star last time, I figured I'd do him a solid again, since I made him rub my feet and legs the other night without shaving beforehand. I'm sorry.

H: "They should make a Bourne movie about Jason Bourne getting baptized and call it Jason Born Again."

H: "These road closures are really prickling my pears..."

Seeing the Guava Goddess flavor of kombucha:

"Ooh I want that one, that was my nickname in high school."

*trying to understand why the stop sign in front of the elementary school was flashing at 12am*

"Ummm well there's no flashing at schools so I don't know why they'd have that there."

H: You are so full of condensation right now (trying to say condescension)

Talking about The Mystery Spot in Santa Cruz, CA:

M: "Hey we can get a free bumper sticker!"

H: "Yes! I want it! Then I'll put it on my butt...the mystery spot."

H, about his little brother: "He only weighs like 80 pounds...can't even go on a zip line yet."

H (monologuing): "Cache Valley? No cash valley....more like Student Loan Valley."

(in San Francisco): "Ah, parking garages. Designed by the finest architects in the world."

*imagining the life of a fundamentalist*

"Yeah our family had so many Bump-Its." 

When he was tired/it was late at night: "ugh, I really want a crouton."

*at an art gallery*

H: You know these are scratch n sniff, right?

M: Hey that one is cool

H: You know what would make it cooler? If I was eating a corn dog while I was looking at it."

At the end of That Thing You Do:

"Wink! Wink so the movie will be over!!!"

(I think I was wearing a cardigan...)
H: "Now you can look like one of those hot librarians that has to use a step stool to get books..."

M: "Uhh is it the step stool that makes a librarian hot?"

H: "No, it's just a good angle."
M: ....................................................................

As we were going into a craft store...

H (seriously): "Don't let me buy anything else in here."

*impulse buys soap*
(lest you think I am joking, Houston once told me he never impulse buys anything, except for hand soap, and this is true)

*he was teaching me about welding late at night*

(I gently patted his shoulder and said:)

"You should become a teacher. And I...will become a narcoleptic."

*I was taking forever to get out of his car and holding the door handle*

H: "I think it's just a pull, then push."

*points to bread bag which says "Premium White" on it*

H: "You can put that on me."
M: "Gross."

*in Spanish*

H: "I said "let's light a candle (candela) and invite Nelson Mandela."
M: "k"

H: "If you were a Macy's mannequin I'd window shop you."

H: "During my farewell talk, I called Allie a baller and she cried. Wept. Wept and wept."

H: "What's the difference between your face and the sunset? I can see your face at all times of the day!" 

M: "Whoa that was corny"

H: (sheepishly) "I know... I put the corn on my own cob."

H: "See this face?!"
*long pause*

"I was born with it."

*talking about how we want the Harry Potter movies remade*

H: "That's all I've ever wanted. I also want the church to hire Wes Anderson to make all their movies."

*wearing a skull shirt*

M: "Uhh what is that?"

H: "This is my post-temple attire."
M: ........
H: "It's Nike!"

And, as per tradition, screenshots of our conversations from the last 2 weeks:

No acknowledgement of my dad joke whatsoever. At least he's attentive to my yogurt needs.

I had a headache, and someone in Sunday School mentioned Vietnam Vets. We shouldn't sit by each other anymore. 

Just out of the blue one day, I got this message....

math majors, lolzzzzz

One of my fave things Houston does is show me a math equation he's worked on and then he asks, "Does this look right to you?" 

HA. No. It will never look right to me. Good DAY, sir!