being your own fan

This information is not really anything new or groundbreaking or like, HEYYY she's saying somethin'! It's been said before. But like all moments of self-realization, like a funny smack in the face from the universe, it needs to be talked abOOT over and over again (I have been watching a lot of Olympic coverage and the Canadians' accents are getting to me).

We worry a lot. We=humans. We pick apart our outfits and the relentless dry skin around our index finger and the ONE hormonal zit that decided to show its face at the tail end of a really good skin week. We fret over the things we create--probably not good enough, we say.

Last week I finally sent out some of my poems for publication. I say "finally" like it was eons between the time I wrote them and the time I sent them out and honestly, it might as well have been! Why did I wait so long? Sure it was terrifying and I'm still a little nauseated thinking about that moment when I pressed "send," but.

I couldn't stand the suspense anymore.

Do you ever wonder how much cooler your life would be if you stopped being afraid of your own ness? Your courage, your creativity, your sense of humor, your ability to hold your breath for longer than a minute (trust me, this is a real skill, because it shows you have absolute disregard for fear, and I need that sometimes)?

I mean, yeah, what if I'm no good at writing poetry? What if my cinnamon rolls are secretly really gross (guys, they're not, they have like 2 cups of sugar and an entire cube of cream cheese, you can't mess that up)???????? What IF WHAT IF WHAT IF.

I hate those two words. They make me--when I'm literally already crossing the starting line--turn back really quickly and hesitate. They make me turn outward and see everyone staring at me and remember the time I fell during that 400m dash (it was in eighth grade, you'd think therapy had fixed that one by now). And then I think "Oh no, what if I mess up?"

My mom says to "fail faster!" If you're going to mess up, you might as well start now. Why put it off? Of all the things to procrastinate, why would you put off the messy bits that, yeah, suck eggs while you're pushing through 'em, but in the end turn you into The Absolute Coolest Version of Yourself God Intended.

Yeah, I'm bringing God into this because for me, personally, I usually can't get past that starting line without a divine nudging. And that's okay, because I'm divine, and I just need a reminder. I need an assist. God is the Stockton to my Malone.

I propose the best thing you could do for yourself today, right now, is to become your biggest, best, unabashed fan. If you're picturing a ceiling fan, fine, but maybe you could switch that image over to one of those industrial fans used to clean up a flooded basement. You're going to need the extra push to get over that scary cliff.

But don't worry.

There's a trampoline at the bottom.