The Houst Speaks

Lookin' back on my blog archive today and realized I haven't published one of these in like eight months, and it was a part of my marriage covenant to publish them sOOOoooooOo

(even I know how obnoxious I am, guys)

This is exactly how the notes started in my phone:

"Unfortunately I am still keeping track of these." 

You may be allergic to gluten but you aren’t allergic to deez glutes

The government is not...someone’s...dad

*in line at Costa* 

Me: You should download the app cuz then you get four dollars off.

Houston: *downloads app* in App Store under the Costa app it says you might like a knot tying app 

....because everyone who stands in this line wants to know how to tie a noose.”

H: I was in Sam’s club today and I couldn’t find anything I wanted. I walked past the rotisserie chicken, and saw my reflection in the glass, and realized something 

Me: What?

H: I look so good through the lens of chicken...

H: Compliments are like girls numbers, I haven’t gotten one since I got married *cue laughter induced asthma attack* 

*discussing what kind of pets to get*

H: You seem like the kind of girl who should have a Ziploc bag of peat moss and that’s it.

H: I don’t think Victoria’s Secret models are attractive...I like Gap and Roxy models.

You’ve heard of elf on a shelf, but have you heard of wench on a bench?

Me: *scratches back* I did it by myself!

H: Did you get a degree in self reliance?

Me: More like self defiance.

H: Can I tell you a secret? I’m a Gemini. I also own a diamond shop called The Gem and I.

H: I want an art gallery but it’s only pics of Rihanna and I’ll call it Gallerihanna

M: Wow I need new garments, these are too big.

H: Okay if I can get some fireworks, you can get some new garments.

M: Our marriage in a nutshell

H: When I need someone to scratch my itch I always make sure to ask my...wife (said at 1am)

Watching the bachelor in paradise...

H:  Who has bigger boobs? Crystal from bachelor in paradise or Gollum?

Watching The Two Towers

 H: See everyone just needed an Ent during Hurricane Katrina and they would’ve been fine 

H: You know what orcs can’t do? Spin a beach ball on their nose.

Sees actress named Signe

H: “How do you pronounce that?”

M: “Sign?”

H: Yeah and her husband is Cosine

M: And they had a baby named Tangent 

Houston (at 2am) If you could dedicate a roller coaster to a prophet in the scriptures who would it be?

H: I have a secret 

M: Yes?

H: Did you know that hypoglycemic and bulimic rhyme?

M: That’s your secret?

Houston: Pottery Barn? Yuck. That is the worst name ever for a store.

Helping me come up with a name for my art store

1. Whimsical splatters
2. Monk and disorderly 
3. Cage free art 

I wish there was a Blue’s Clues app so I could help that little dog find clues all day.