should I try to be extroverted or should I light myself on fire?

i don't know why this is here but i'm going to leave it.

So. Last night I went to Target for one thing (I can just hear all the women in the world laughing right now). It's always an exercise in self-control. As soon as I see the red signs in the clothing section, I give up hope. You'll be proud (?) to know that I went in for a folder-organizer-thingy (a.k.a a plastic accordion that sadly does not make music), and not only came out with that, but just one shirt, and a beanie. And two notebooks. But they had mEtallic STRIPES on them?!!! It's not a question. Just me making excuses. I go through journals fast, okay?

Whilst I was in Target, I had a #peopleofwalmart experience. This is rare because how can you have a People of Wal-Mart experience in Target?! Or any other store for that matter.... Well, the thing is, the people of Wal-Mart are actually just people, and they can shop wherever the heck they want to. Last night, two of them were in the delicates section at Target. BT-dubs, I am not talking about deli meat when I say "delicates."

*Sidenote. I once went to a Battle of the Sexes thing in my singles ward. They did a "what he said, what she said" poll, in which they asked boys questions only girls would know the answers to, and vice versa. Well, one of the questions they asked the boys was "Where would you find delicates in a store?" And some of them actually answered "At the deli." ?????????????

Okay, so back to People of Wal-Mart, or People of Earth Who Ride in Motorized Wheelchairs But Definitely Don't Need To But They Are Deliberately Doing So In Order to Patronize Others Who Are Just Using Their Poor Exposed Legs to Walk Around.

Yes. Two people, a couple, were riding in those motorized chairs, in the delicates section, but were not riding around very delicately, if you know what I am saying. I saw at least three people almost get run over/backed into by this couple, who were simultaneously running into every clothing rack they could and spouting "ARE THESE SOCKS ON SALE HEY HEY ARE THESE ON SALE!" Not a question. Just a declaration to whichever employee dared to come close. BANG. There goes another clothing rack. Or was that a small child....?

I tried to maneuver myself around them so I could go look at the tights, because the two of them were (quite awkwardly) blocking the walkway, and the man pushed "reverse" at the same time the woman pushed "drive" and yEAH it was a SITUATION. I saw my life flash before my eyes, and tried to summon my Eagle powers to get the heck out of there, but they had me trapped between their sweatpants-wearing legs. HEllllllpPPP.

I said a small prayer and tried to jump out from between them, and banged myself into a clothing rack (#irony), and the lady actually glared at me, but since I am trying to be more patient with persons in general, I summoned my most awkward tooth-smile and squeezed myself between the clothing rack and her motorized chair, while she continued to glare, and her husband/brother/fellow gang-member buzzed away matter-of-factly. Did you know you could buzz away matter-of-factly? I didn't, until I saw this guy do it.

Well then, in an effort to redeem myself for wanting to use a flamethrower on this particular couple (only in my head, not in real life, geez. I don't even own a flamethrower), I tried to compliment the girl who rang me out. She looked like she was having a bad day.

I complimented her on her headband. She said nothing. Didn't even look at me. This awkwardness caused the other people in line to look at me, though, and so I pretended I had been talking to myself instead. You know, pep-talks. Do you ever give yourself pep-talks? Out loud? In public?

Then I saw her hearing aid and realized she was deaf and so I took my bag and ran for the door. I probably looked a little something like this.

hashtag awkward.

Don't shop alone, kids. It's not safe. Not for me. Not for you. Not for anybody. Awkward people unIIIIIte. 

are you on your period? because you are ovary-acting

does anyone else say this in regular conversation? 

Okay, kids. Raise your hand if you found the leftover Halloween stash in your parents' coat closet and ate 5 pieces of chocolate without even breaking a sweat. 

.....so this is what it feels like to be an outcast. 

On Saturday I spent most of the day solo. This is not bad...actually it's really wise, at least for introverts like me, to get some solitude. In the summer, I would take bike rides for hours and just think. Now that it's colder, I take drives, but yesterday global warming was in full swing so I walked around campus after going to an art gallery. 

Oh art galleries. They refill me. Also used bookstores....I haven't been to one in way too long and I need that old book smell to revive my tired spirit.

I also really need a grand piano so I can just SHRED that ivory, if you know what I'm saying.

Anyway, so, walking on any campus gives me warm fuzzies. School is where I feel at home. I like libraries. And sitting at a desk and taking notes. I guess I'm a nerd. Not sorry.

The only problem with thinking time is that it often turns me into Emo Kenzie. Emo Kenzie is either super happy and content or super worried and crying. So that was me yesterday. It was a situation.

So I took myself to a place on campus that had a good view of Provo, and I looked at the temple, and said a long prayer, and let the words flow out of me, and tried to make sure faith was attached to them. 

And something told me it was going to be okay. So I'm going to believe that voice, instead of the one that tells me to worry or be afraid. 

ugh, writer's block. also why does nobody read this anymore.

is it because I stopped posting unicorn pictures? you GUYZ. It's not that hard to get your unicorn fix. There is google. Just saying. And this video game, which you should download. It's the only game on my device, SO.

I want to write things that are meaningful. I want to write things that make people go "huh" or "ohhh" or "sweet action daddy-crackin'!" You know?! Well, it's hard to want to write when nobody is reading. Or commenting. COMMENT. I beg you. I'm becoming one of those bloggers but, anyway, I digress. I shouldn't be writing this at all. This is a result of some classic Saturday night boredom.

Here is another result of aforementioned boredom:

See what I mean? Is there such a thing as drunk-blogging? You know, like drunk-dialing, only blogging, and not being drunk, just tired? Well, that's what this is. #justified

I actually have like 5 unfinished posts sitting in my drafts. Posts about nothing really, but I mean, this blog doesn't exactly have a theme. It's just me being me. I don't have a theme.

You know how instagram has those "10 random facts about me" things? Well, since this is a completely random post, constructed solely for my own entertainment on a Saturday night, I'm going to do that now. And I think someday it will go on my "about me" page. If I ever become famous enough to have one of those. #jokes

1. I'm weird and I like to park far away from the grocery store/mall/movie theater/whatever building I happen to be going to. I like to walk. Is that weird? Gimme the boonies! 
2. I still do Perdiddles even when I'm driving by myself. And I just realized how terribly awkward that sounds when I type it out. Halp. P.S. does everyone know what a Perdiddle is or do I really sound like a fool now? 
3. I always spend 30 minutes on Netflix surfing through dumb movies/shows, and sometimes even start one, just to find out that it's lame, and then I watch Office re-runs. Every dang time.
4. I like to eat the burnt ends of french fries. Srsly. Also I can't bring myself to eat the ends of bananas or carrots. ??? Don't ask. I don't have the answer.
5. I wish it was autumn/winter almost all the time because then I could wear beanies all the time! See that one I'm wearing in those pictures? I've been wearing it for 3 days. THREE DAYS. Of course I showered. Gosh. 
6. I like my ice cream to be frozen solid when I eat it. As in, chewable. Those people who drink milkshakes are weird.
7. I wake up almost every day with a Michael Jackson song in my head. However, this morning I woke up with "The Swagger Wagon" song in heavy rotation, sooo. Who knows. My mind thinks I am black. It's fine.
8. I spend an unreasonable amount of time looking at food blogs and reading cookbooks. Yes, I read cookbooks for fun. I LIKE FOOD. SUE ME.
9. I still jump on the bed to psych myself out for scary things, like first dates. And listen to certain songs very loudly. This one is a classic.
10. I like having painted nails, but my nail polish never stays looking good for very long, which annoys me, but never enough for me to paint over them, so my nails are perpetually gross looking. Does anybody care about this? Didn't think so.

OVER AND OUT, HOMIES.

just some words on a friday afternoon

image via pinterest

I have a lot to say, and yet I can't seem to find the words. I wish I could invent a whole lot of words for the things I feel. Then maybe life wouldn't be so confusing. If we could understand what we felt, and put words to them, and string them out across a page or a computer screen, they might be easier to decipher.

I'm learning a lot of hard lessons right now. But I'm also re-learning some of the basics I think everyone who's a "wise old adult" tells you you'll learn. It's true, yo. The only way to learn them is to experience them. And let me tell you, the experience hurts. Every time something uncomfortable happens to me, I feel broken open again. Exposed. And it makes me feel just like a skinned knee. 

But guess what...skinned knees heal. They leave lovely scars (and I have plenty of those. #klutzbomb), but they heal. And they teach you not to climb trees with weak branches. #metaphor? #dontknow #maybeillfigureitoutlater

I'm sure that I'll look back on this time, like I have with every trial in life, and be grateful for the person it forced me to become. I'm trying to focus all my prayers lately on that word--"becoming." Help me become who You want me to be. Help my heart to change. Help me to bend.

These quotes right here encompass all the things I can't say. Hopefully they will help whoever's reading this, too. Just don't give up. No matter what you're facing--don't give up. If Christ had given up, then we'd all be in a much worse state than we are. So go to Him first. Then, no matter how hard it is, keep going.

Just let go. Let go of how you thought your life should be, and embrace the life that is trying to work its way into your consciousness.

— Caroline Myss

To us, waiting is wasting. To God, waiting is working.

— Louie Giglio

The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could be.

— Charles DuBois

and now there is a boy outside my window talking about his girlfriend's lame texting habits ("she didn't text me back for 7 hours!!!!") and I'm all like "yo, sleeping up in here."

Let the records show that I did not ask her to pose like this. 

SO. It's been awhile. #lyfe

I'm currently in my bed with a hot pad on (duh, because I'm an old lady and I never go to sleep without it). And a scarf. And a hoodie. Because the heat doesn't come on in my room or something. The irony is that there is a firepit outside my window for young single adults to gather around, and eventually cuddle, and eventually DTR and then get engaged. All while I shiver in my room, a mere 10 feet away, and sneeze myself to sleep. Ah, Provo.

I'm currently re-reading Harry Potter. It makes me feel 12. But then again, so does car-dancing, jumping on the bed, and eating chocolate for breakfast (all things which I regularly engage in, thank you very much).

Today a guy came into work and I rang him out, gave him his receipt, bla-blah, and then he like, looked into my soul and said "I need you to promise me that you'll have a good day." I said "Well it's already 6:30 so can I just get a rollover plan for tomorrow?" JK. I said "Um, sure!" ha. And smiled. Then he looked at me sternly and said "No really...promise me. Promise me you will." I said okay kind of nervously, because there were other people watching and I didn't want them to think we were, well, I don't know, he just had this look, okay?!

my thought process: "Guyz, I swear I did not know this human 50 seconds ago but now he is making me pinky-swear and that is reserved for BFFs so it feels like a violation."
what I really said: "Ahh, okay...yep, I promise!"
as he walked away: "Well, you promised now. So I'm going to check on it later. Okay? Okay McKenzie?" (dang that stupid nametag!)
me: Heheh...heh...(trailing laughter)
him: I'll see you later.

I'll mark my calendar for that day. And I shall mark it "RUN AWAY ON THIS DAY AND AT THIS TIME. TO MEXICO."

Oh yeah, and shoutout to Snapchat for providing me with a really awkward amount of terrible selfies on my camera roll. How will I ever explain this to my posterity? 

"Yeah so this one is of me with three chins and the caption says "I just ate lasagna." And I actually sent it to someone and they are still friends with me." Oh I know, I could make a book of parables about it! That'll learn them. 

Parable 1: Choose good friends who will still speak to you even after you send them Fat Tuesday pictures (#notamardigrasreference).

????????????????????

(this was before I added special effects. a.k.a. fake crayon art)

I request the highest of fives for completing this post while on cold medicine. Because if you know me well, you know how I react to any type of medication.

Mentos + diet coke.
Baking soda + vinegar.
McKenzie + drugz.

All da same reaction. Imploding. Exploding. Overall insanity.

here's a brief trip down memory lane (just me, talking to myself):
"hahaha remember when you shaved your legs 3x in one day because you were taking Sudafed?"

"omg or what about when the hospital gave you the stuff that's 10x stronger than morphine for 3 days and you had no control of your bladder whatsoever and everybody that visited you looked like a character from the Willy Wonka movie? remember when?"

"OR there was that precious time you took two Aleve and it knocked you out flat in the back of the car and so your parents went to a Christmas party while you slept in the backseat, and if anybody had walked by at the time they would've called the police because it looked like you'd been kidnapped and drugged (half of that is true). ??"

Ah, memories.

Don't do drugz. Over and out.

let's go back in time for a moment, shall we?

Will somebody please explain to me why we ever thought puka shell necklaces were so cool? Because I, for the life of me, cannot fathom why it was so awesome to own one. And yeah, just like any 13-year-old girl in the early 2000's, I felt the need to wear mine right along with my sparkly butterfly hair clips (the horror). And the boy I liked might've owned a puka shell necklace. One of those big chunky ones. Cuz, you know, those were more manly. Observe (and yes, I lit'rally googled "puka shell necklaces for men" and this came up. so, don't doubt my knowledge. I mean google's knowledge.):

look at him and his snazzy aviators and his carefully-placed bicep. he knows what's up because he has a puka shell necklace on. it makes me want to puka in the toileta.

But also, these.

you will never believe the name of the (current) article where this picture was from. "First Date Looks: 10 Clothes And Accessories For ’90s Grunge Inspired Style." No. Just no.

Now let's get real. Pokemon. Everybody loved Pokemon  right? We had friends in our ward who went to Japan sometimes (yeah, they just went to Japan, ok? Like it's an easy road trip or something. whatevs) and they would bring back special edition Japanese. Holographic. Pokemon. Cards. Hol-o-graph-ic. Code for "you are now the coolest person in the 4th grade."

Naturally, my brother and I ruled the neighborhood during those times. Ah, to be a pubescent Pokemon card-dealer again! That's how I built my street cred you know.

p.s. I don't actually have street cred. let's just clear that up right now in case I get any requests from thugs to join their gang. the answer is no.

here's a picture of me, circa 1995, just because?? oh I know how it applies--

I know how to do bicep-placement too. And I don't need a puka shell necklace to do it. 

#RIPBarney

While we're on the subject of television, let's talk about Nickelodeon. I mean, I was terrified of the dark (and vampires, creepy dolls, soul-sucking masks, and demon-possessed bloodhounds) but I still watched that dang show, "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"  And the scariest episode of all time gave me legit nightmares. Apparently it was number 16 on this list, but f'realz, look at that psycho vampire.  I was mostly afraid because we had one of those root cellars and I really thought a blood-sucking fiend would jump out and latch onto my neck meat every time I reached around the wall to turn on the light. 

Can't blame a young girl for having an active imagination, ok?

This coming from the same girl who, at age 5, was doodling "beer popsicles" on the program in church (this is not a lie, I don't like about anything, especially beer popsicles).

Imagination is powaaaah! But sometimes it keeps you up at night thinking that an ape-cray old lady with a tattoo necklace will grab your feet if you dangle them over the bed. I mean, don't tell me this doesn't make you wanna pee your pants:

Don't even TELL me. 

I debated whether or not I should talk about "them" but my 90's spirit animal said "do it" and so I'm doing it. SPICE GIRLS. They are ape-crazy, right? But we love them somehow?

let's take a moment of silence for all the people who hung this poster in their rooms. or who still have it hanging in their rooms...oh gosh. just pray. pray really hard. 

Shout out to my girl Amy, who channeled Baby Spice for many moons and dressed up as her for Halloween and had a Spice Girls folder, which I vividly remember coveting. So.

Oh yeah, speaking of the Spice Girls, have you seen this? Somebody do this with me in real life. Then we can become best friends.

Now let's talk about Disney-related things. Specifically Pocahontas-Disney-related things. I was/am/was obsessed.  Yes, my 5th birthday party was all Pocahontas-themed. My mom worked at the Disney store so we had the hook-upz. I have an entire photo album dedicated to this party, ok? If we're BFFs then you can see it. All others must fill out an application. 

I also owned a really creepy piggy bank with John Smith and Pocahontas cuddling. That was the piggy bank. Just them cuddling. And John having a coin slot in his back, which just made it look like he was having spinal surgery and in no way would he be in shape to be cuddling at that moment! You know? Okay well...Disney store: work on your coin slot placement. Thanks. There are kids out there with morbid imaginations. 

Oh yeah. Let's not forget my broski's Chief Powhatan boxers. Ah, don't you love saying that? It's like those words were all meant to be together. Chief Powhatan boxers. Now, story-time. Yet again. If you make it through this post I will give you money. Hard cash. 

a photograph of my brother and me, probably around the time the following story took place.

check dem grillz (on the car, gosh). 

One fateful day, he was climbing the tree in the front yard wearing those Chief Powhatan boxers (and nothing else on the bottom) and ripped a giant hole in them! R.I.P. Chief Powhatan boxers. You were the coolest thing to ever grace Isaac's underwear drawer.

Realness: it felt weird to type that last sentence. Moving on.

Now I'm gonna take you through time with these sentimental images. For those of you who grew up in this decade, get your kleenex out, okay? Trust me.

1,000,000 points to Gryffindor if you know what movie this is. 

life lessons from Arthur (a show I still watch, and I'm not even sorry about it)

I'm actually crying right now looking at this. 

 yes I did once go to a secret powderpuff girls meeting in a trailer. in a TRAILER. we weren't cooking meth, though. we were discussing our powderpuff powers. again, not a lie. what a childhood!

ain't no field trip like a "let's travel through a fellow student's intestines!" field trip

Oh, this game. I always died via snake bike and I could never ever cross that dang Platte River. It's a video game, how hard can it be to get a 2-D character through a pixelated pond? Super hard.

what kind of person invents this for children?! like, who are you and how do you still have your eyebrows? I'm pretty sure I would've shaved them off by now, if I knew who you were and where you lived.

My brother was known for stealing the neighbor's Ferbies and pushing them down the driveway, just to hear them say "oouuch, thaat huuurt" in their creepy voices. Ah man, he thought it was so chilarious. The neighbors didn't.

how many times do I have to say that I don't wanna hear 12-year olds singing "I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch." Like, it's done. Be done. My ears are lit'rally bleeding. Oh and don't worry. There are 24 of these. TWENTY FOUR. That means there are more of these than there are years of my life. What does this say about me?

Mm, don't answer that.

if you didn't watch this show, who are you?!?

God bless the 90's. And Isaac's ensemble. And my face, which I still make, to this day. And that backpack, which I am pretty sure had Barney on it. And that afghan. And that wallpaper. Oh, that wallpaper.

sorry, still not done being emo. *cue the dashboard confessional song*

So, here's how life is. I wake up in the morning feeling swollen and kind of gross (cold weather=swollen face. Yes, I look like a puffer fish. Whatev.). This morning my mom said "Did you cry yourself to sleep?"

What? Of course not.

They're called allergens. And coldness. And allergens.

Then I go to work. Then I go home and fall onto my bed, and usually fall asleep again (unintentionally). I usually dream about something awesome. Last night, I dreamt I was about to go on a shopping spree which I won. Then I woke up.

And reality struck me again. And I rolled out of bed again.

Life motto right now:

Let's be real. I do not feel like myself right now. I feel like the real Kenzie has gone M.I.A. and she needs someone to come and lay those defibrillator things on her chest. And wake her up. Shock her into being. And tell her to be brave--to give her permission to be brave.

Don't you ever feel like you need permission to be brave? It's like all the self-doubt and fear inside of you culminate against you all at the exact same moment. And you go "whoaaa I'm not emotionally equipped for this." You automatically assume you can't handle it. So you have to ask the universe for permission. Can I be strong? Wait, really? Is it possible?

Welp, maybe I can't be. But someone already went through what I am going through. And He can help me. Right? Right.

It's this kind of stuff keeps me going:

"When you feel that there is only a thin thread of hope, it is it really not a thread but a massive connecting link, like a life preserver to strengthen and lift you. It will provide comfort so you can cease to fear."
Richard G. Scott

“Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”

Steve Jobs

"Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten that the Lord is able to do all things according to his will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in him? Wherefore, let us be faithful to him."

1 Nephi 7:12

oh yes I did throw a Steve Jobs quote in there. Because why the heck not.