The Houst Speaks

Lookin' back on my blog archive today and realized I haven't published one of these in like eight months, and it was a part of my marriage covenant to publish them sOOOoooooOo

(even I know how obnoxious I am, guys)

This is exactly how the notes started in my phone:

"Unfortunately I am still keeping track of these." 

You may be allergic to gluten but you aren’t allergic to deez glutes

The government is not...someone’s...dad

*in line at Costa* 

Me: You should download the app cuz then you get four dollars off.

Houston: *downloads app* in App Store under the Costa app it says you might like a knot tying app 

....because everyone who stands in this line wants to know how to tie a noose.”

H: I was in Sam’s club today and I couldn’t find anything I wanted. I walked past the rotisserie chicken, and saw my reflection in the glass, and realized something 

Me: What?

H: I look so good through the lens of chicken...

H: Compliments are like girls numbers, I haven’t gotten one since I got married *cue laughter induced asthma attack* 

*discussing what kind of pets to get*

H: You seem like the kind of girl who should have a Ziploc bag of peat moss and that’s it.

H: I don’t think Victoria’s Secret models are attractive...I like Gap and Roxy models.

You’ve heard of elf on a shelf, but have you heard of wench on a bench?

Me: *scratches back* I did it by myself!

H: Did you get a degree in self reliance?

Me: More like self defiance.

H: Can I tell you a secret? I’m a Gemini. I also own a diamond shop called The Gem and I.

H: I want an art gallery but it’s only pics of Rihanna and I’ll call it Gallerihanna

M: Wow I need new garments, these are too big.

H: Okay if I can get some fireworks, you can get some new garments.

M: Our marriage in a nutshell

H: When I need someone to scratch my itch I always make sure to ask my...wife (said at 1am)

Watching the bachelor in paradise...

H:  Who has bigger boobs? Crystal from bachelor in paradise or Gollum?

Watching The Two Towers

 H: See everyone just needed an Ent during Hurricane Katrina and they would’ve been fine 

H: You know what orcs can’t do? Spin a beach ball on their nose.

Sees actress named Signe

H: “How do you pronounce that?”

M: “Sign?”

H: Yeah and her husband is Cosine

M: And they had a baby named Tangent 

Houston (at 2am) If you could dedicate a roller coaster to a prophet in the scriptures who would it be?

H: I have a secret 

M: Yes?

H: Did you know that hypoglycemic and bulimic rhyme?

M: That’s your secret?

Houston: Pottery Barn? Yuck. That is the worst name ever for a store.

Helping me come up with a name for my art store

1. Whimsical splatters
2. Monk and disorderly 
3. Cage free art 

I wish there was a Blue’s Clues app so I could help that little dog find clues all day. 

bla bla bla fall bla bla

Sometimes the memory of my career in college really fades into the background...like when I write sentences like the one above ^^

I'm listening to the Up and Vanished podcast which honestly I do not recommend. DO NOT. Did you ever hear of the satirical podcast The Onion made called "A Very Fatal Murder" (yes, that's the name)? Well, that podcast is making fun of this one. Because....it's just ridiculous. They take a very serious cold case and turn it into a soap opera. And the guy that hosts is not a reporter or investigator or anything, but he acts like he is. And it's just the wooorst.

So, you're like, uh why are you listening to it?

Well maybe I just need something really dumb to listen to while I'm doing mindless data entry at work, eh?! And maybe listening to dumb things and doing said data entry is giving me a Canadian accent (only in writing)!!

I'm worried about myself.

All summer long I complain about the dry heat and the sweat driblets in my arm crease and the garments sticking to my back and everything being uncomfortable and wallowing like a dying hog and thEN September comes and I think "Okay NOW it's time to stop sweating and I can put on a light jacket or something" but by the middle of the day it's back up to 90 and I'm like when will I get to wear my leather jacket, oh weather gods?! And then October comes and the real fall lasts for 10 days and then it snows and I'm wearing my big puffy coat all day at work so WHO EVEN CARES ABOUT FASHION. Why do I even spend money on clothes?!

These are the very important questions.

Just a review...so far I have answered:

1) Why do you listen to stupid podcasts that you hate with semi-irresponsible reporting and spooky elevator music?
and
2) Why do you spend money on clothes when you live somewhere with such a fickle climate where it would be cheaper to just wear long johns under a giant ankle-length coat all day/every day?

I was teaching a class today ("teaching" is a loose term for what I was doing...), and during one of the in-between class times, one of the students asked the professor if she could take an important phone call in the middle of class.

Here is the conversation that ensued:

girl: I need to take a phone call during class...it might not happen, but if it does, can I step outside for a second?
teacher: yeah that's fine...
girl: ok cool. I think my boyfriend is going to break up with me.

~*SWERVE~*

teacher: ...... (nervously sweating) (yeah I guess I'm back to talking about sweating)
girl: he hasn't spoken to me in 3 days and I tried to call him this morning and he didn't answer but he said he would call me back later.
teacher: so how do you know he's going to break up with you?
girl: I just....I think it's going to happen.
teacher: (still nervous) are you...sad about that?
girl: mmm, yeah. *shrugs*

WELL OKAY THEN.

Do u ever look at your 28-year-old self in the mirror and say this?

I think my new life aspiration is to be the next Anne of Green Gables. But my name will be..... McKenzie of Brown Brick Buildings.

HE*K YA

the chill is upon us

No, not the chili.

ALTHOUGH

Chili does sound good right now, especially since the low is now dropping to the 20s (cat home alone emoji).

Houston woke up before me this morning and claimed that the shower water wasn't quite warm enough, and then he stuck his cold hands under the blanket (where I was currently residing). Apparently our days of using one blanket are now over. And you know what ELSE, this is the last October I'll have in Logan so I'm going to soak it all up. All of the goosebumps and the standing at the bus stop in a jacket way too thin for the canyon winds and yes, I'm going to go to the dang pumpkin patch. Don't @ me.

My mom is texting me right now about how busy Sundays are:

me: guess you should pray for two-hour church to get announced this weekend! (winky face)
her: you too, huh?
me: well I'm not holding out hope since that's a long-standing rumor
me: BUT did you know they are piloting it in Boston?
mom: who told you that?
me: the internet.

The internet knows all.

 Evidence of my last statement ^

Is anyone else super bored reading this? Sarry, I forgot pictures.

And honestly I wouldn't blame ya if you decided to never read this blog again because my honest opinion of bloggers nowadays is that they are insufferable. I can't take all of the #sponcon and #ad and #everythinginthissquareisfake. I just can't do it, yo.

AND NO NOTHING I EVER WRITE IS EVER SPONSORED, AMEN.

Hey univerise, why isn't there a hit song about October yet? Clearly it's superior to its predecessor.

 

someone wrote a book about me, and it wasn't me

when your husband offers to make you a turkey BLT at 9 o'clock at night, you get on your knees and thank the Lord

Everyone says this, but when you're engaged, you don't think there's any possible way you could ever love your person more than you do. Like your body/heart/mind are not physically capable! That's what you think, anyway.

But then you get married.

And then your spouse sees you ugly cry late at night (over really dumb things most of the time). And they see all your morning hair. And they hear your terrible shower-singing voice. And they trip over the wet towels you leave on the ground. And they have to wash your dishes and fold your underwear. And they rub your back when you have cramps. And they sit through movies they do not like with you.

And then

Something really cool happens.

That love you thought could never get deeper starts to expand. It keeps stretching and filling up empty spaces you didn't know you had. It's bigger than the frickin' universe (which is technically also stretching...).

On Thursday night, I was crying myself to sleep. It feels lame to even admit it because all I really do every day is go to work. I shouldn't feel as stressed or anxious as I do. My husband is a TA for two classes, he's in school full-time, and he's in the young men's presidency. He's much busier than me. But the next day he brought me flowers and a card and some chocolate.

My co-worker said "Why did he bring you flowers?"
I said, "Just because."
Her response: "Wow...that's a good man. He brought you flowers just because he was thinking of you."

faux-UTI pains, John Lennon, and marketing

 when you're auditing a class but the professor still expects you to be in the group project

NOOoooooooOOOO

What do all of those things have in common?!

Nothing.

Except for the fact that they all had something to do with my week! And that's gotta be the lamest mutual interest ever.

I gave a tour of the library to some 14-yo boys today and let me just say, when you're stuck in an elevator for four floors with ten boys of a certain age, you will wish elevators came with Glade Plug-Ins.

My iPhone stopped working suddenly on Thursday morning and in my frustration I told my husband he could go get me a Google phone (to his delight). Well, I've had it for a little over a day now and I'm not sure I can do it. I am so weak. The thing about iPhones that I liked (which some people really H8) is that there's a lack of options. It comes with a podcast app, woo. I don't have to download one! It comes with ringtones. I don't have to pick one of my favorite songs as my alarm, which would slowly destroy that song for me anyway. YOU KNOW?! I think I've just become a victim of Apple's ruthless marketing.

And I know how much of a victim I really am because I started auditing a marketing class this week and gosh I never realized how much of what I consume is based on marketing. It's like subliminal BRAINWASHING. That's not a thing. But you get it. I learned that my Smith's rewards card is not reeeeally a tactic to save me money, but to track what I buy and then sell that data to the companies who want me to buy from them.

I mean, wat.

If you're not interested in marketing well you can just get off my blog then.

Jk. I promise I'm not tryna market John Lennon or UTIs to you (because who would want to market those two things together, and why??).

Speaking of UTIs, I've never had one, but yesterday I thought I had one for sure based on some..specific symptoms. And it feels like my body is being sawed in half from the inside. But whatever. I will ignore it until it goes away or I slowly die.

JOHN LENNON HELP ME THROUGH THIS.

The first week of school has been gr9. And I'm not even in school, you guys.

*you're still wondering why John Lennon got mentioned on this blog*

*well, I'll never tell*

(there's no reason)

who do I have to throat punch to get the A/C turned down in here?!

By "in here," I mean work. There are probably 30 vents in every square foot (hyperbole), so I wear a sweater to work, but then after leaving  the temperature has climbed back up to 95 and I'm sweating the whole way home.

You're like, there's an easy solution for this. And I know what it is. TURN DOWN THE AIR CONDITIONING.

You thought I was going to say "just take off your sweater and put it in your backpack," didn't you?! Well I didn't. I paid this university a lot of tuition money (and my ROI is not working out very well right now), and I'm starting to think they used it to constantly pump out cold air in places that didn't need it.

I always get nostalgic around this time of year because school starting = fall, and fall = you're not going back to school, McKenzie, and therefore you = old.

Simple maths. And I'm kinda ready to be done with the whole school thing. I'm not in school anymore, it's true, but I work for the university, and I will not talk much about that because it'll put you to sleep, but let's just say I spend a lot of free time looking for other jobs. That's another thing that makes me want to throat punch someone.

I keep finding jobs that sound like my dream job, but they're not in Logan. My anxiety is probably at an all-time high. Just like the air conditioning.

turn

it

down

in

funky

town

I wasn't expecting that ending!

(and suddenly this got really deep and existential)

one sweaty walk

95 degrees and 1.7 miles and tight jeans

One street, full of old houses, roofs caving in,

Spiral staircases and on a scale from one to ten

Every house was an eleven (as far as ghosts go)

Past the house with a fitted sheet twisting in the

Stale breeze, contributing to the gentrification

--or maybe despite it--a canal like those of my childhood

Drifts past, unassuming, ready to pull any kid

Three feet or under through

To the mushy depths. What a way to go.

Dammed up by moldy crabapples, bottle caps,

Baby ducks bobbing their heads, diving for nothing,

For oily trash! I talk to them for awhile, I ask them

What they’re doing, eating that. Their mother weakly

Paddles in place with her mouth hanging open, how did we

Come to this? Or maybe she is just hungry.

One duckling suddenly flips, the water barely moves,

Belies his instinct, but I secretly hope it’s something his

Mother taught him because he had to learn faith, too.

He had to learn disappearing into the vague deadly

Currents would only be temporary, only be dark

As he tunneled to the bottom for something only his heart

Understands--to partake of something, to hold onto it yourself,

What else is there besides that? And then he surfaces,

Shivers and shakes his feathers,

noticing me for the first time.

I helped them cross the road. And in that moment, I swear we were.. not gonna overuse that dang quote. Dangit!!!

The rest of my walk was littered with haunted houses and gated yards and flowers.

95 degrees is a cheap price to pay for such delights!-your modern day Anne Shirley