shtuff my little siblings say

Many moons ago, when I was a wee 17 year old, I had a section of my journal that I dedicated solely to the things my little broski and sister said. Because somebody had to be the Keeper of the Blackmail in our family, and I figured it might as well be me.

Some excerpts are taken from my mama's old blog, and told in her voice. Rrreeady and letzgo.

Caleb's Greatest Hits
A couple weeks ago, I picked him up from Aaronic Priesthood meetings, and he said to me, very matter-of-fact, "Kenzie, you're like the only hipster in our family. You like...have swag." I don't think he even knows what swag means, but. Okay. 

Caleb, texting me: "So are you dating Tinder now?"
Me: "Huh? Oh, Tinder isn't a person."
Caleb: "But your Instagram said something about Tinder."
Me: "Tinder is just an app that tells you what single people are in your area."
Caleb: "Oh yeah. I'm getting to that age."
Me: "You're way too young for Tinder, bucko."

Caleb, during scripture study: So God knows everything?
Dad: Yes, everything.
Caleb: So then He must've memorized the Gettysburg Address!

Caleb: So we could inherit everything God has?
Dad: Yes, everything.
Cal: So even God's fancy cars??!

In 2009
Mom: Cal, what college do you want to go to?
Caleb: The same college McKenzie is going to.
Dad: What if you could go to Harvard or Columbia in NYC on a scholarship?
Cal (thinking about it): Yeah! Then I'd live close to Pennsylvania so I could get some of those big soft pretzels!

(The following story is told from my mom's point of view, after my parents let the kids watch a particularly terrifying episode of Planet Earth. A.K.A. animals eating other animals. Wolves, to be exact)

"Caleb has been fixated on the topic of wolves ever since. When Caleb gets focused it is near impossible to pry his little mind off of a topic.

Every day since then Scott and I have entertained not a few conversations on the subject.
Here are a few of my favorites to date.

Upon hitting his head on a bench at school last week he declared to his father. "The back of my head feels funny. Like a wolf bite."

And yet another....
"Mom, what if wolves came into our house?" To which I replied,"Cal there are no wolves in this area."
"They live in Utah mom!"
"They live further north of here."
"But what if they did?"
"The only reason a wolf would get all the way down to our neighborhood would be if he was hungry and couldn't find any food between here and were he lives hundreds of miles away."
"What if he was hungry?"
Me (getting a little exasperated): "Cal the only way a wolf could come in our door is if we let him in. If I can manage to keep our dog out of the house I think I can keep a wolf out."
"But wolves are stronger than our dog."
Sigh. "Honey, that is just so unlikely. I am 42 years old and I have never known anyone who had a wolf come into their house."
"I bet grandpa knows someone who did."

And tonight's was a highlight as well. Caleb had a soda he had picked up at the school carnival on Friday which he was saving. After opening it up and taking a sip he exclaimed, "This Sprite is very spritey! I don't like it!" 

I replied, "Yeah, soda has carbonation in it and that's what makes it so fizzy. I don't like it much either."

"Mom, what if you poured Sprite down a wolves' mouth?"
"I don't know Cal what if?" (Scott has started laughing. I am not laughing. I have had perhaps 50 versions of this conversation and the humor is lost on me)
To which Caleb replied, "If you made a wolf drink Sprite would it kill him? You know the carbonation?"
"I don't know son. I don't think anyone has tried to give a wolf Sprite."

Caleb, whilst riding in the car: What the heck, Ellie! (but he didn't say heck)
Parents: Cal, heck is a swear word. 
Caleb: Oh. Well can I say 'sweet sister Francis' then?

Ellie: "Zack says he's gonna marry me when I grow up."
Mom:" He did ?!"
Ellie: "Yeah, he says when I get big we're getting married."
Caleb:"When I get big I want a yellow Mustang. How much will that cost me?"
Dad: "About $32,000"
Cal:"Can I start working for you and Mom so I can have enough money to buy my car now? I am tired of going in the slow lane."
Dad:" Cal, how old do you have to be to drive a car?' 
Cal: "16. Well, if you guys pay me for doing extra chores I could have enough." 
Mom:"Son we would have to give you over $3,000 a year for you to make enough." 
Cal:"Well, can you please start doing that?" 
Mom: "No." 
Cal:"I want to start a lemonade stand tomorrow. Can you and Dad buy me some lemonade so I can sell it?"

Ellie's Filterless Mind
Ellie, 2 weeks ago (no context...but then again I never get context): "Kenzie, I can't believe you're not butter."

Ellie: "Mom. If you put a rubber band in your mouth what will happen?"
Mom: "You might choke."
Ellie: "Yeah, and then I would go to sleep."
Mom: "No you wouldn't go to sleep, but you might stop breathing and then you could die."
Ellie: "Jesus died"
Me: "Yes, but he didn't choke on a rubber-band."
Ellie: "Yeah, Jesus knows how to eat good food."

(As told by my mom) Once when doing the laundry Ellie asked me what a certain article of clothing was. I explained that it was for women. She concluded that this meant that the article itself was in-fact called "A Woman" and that you wear it on "your Womans." [Writer's Sidenote: my dad only furthered this delusion by also calling them "Womans"]. Sunday I took the kids over to the young-adult ward to hear their dad speak. We sat next to McKenzie. In the middle of his talk Ellie exclaimed "Your womans are HUGE!" I consoled my eldest daughter by telling her that no one else knows what Ellie means. Until now. Sorry.

A few months ago, at the breakfast table:
Cal: Kenzie, did you have a boyfriend once?
Ellie: Yeah, did you?
Me: Umm yes.
Caleb: do you have one now?
Me: no.
Ellie: but you've had one before?! is he your EX boyfriend now?
Me: can we change the subject?
Ellie: have you ever talked to a hippopotamus before?

Ellie: Do you have an imaginary friend?
Me: No...do you?
Ellie: Yeah. She calls herself Rosa Parks.

Ellie, to moi: When you get married I'm totally going to take your bedroom. [pause] So get a date!

Ellie: Could a zero-year-old do karate?
Caleb: With God's power!

Me: The remote is over here if you want it.
Ellie: Thank you for saving my life.

Ellie: Mom's favorite ride at Disneyland is the one with the pirates.
Me: That's my favorite too!
Ellie: Wanna know what my favorite ride is? "The Hug Kenzie Ride."

Ellie, in family prayer while I was away at school: ...And please bless Kenzie not to get drunk. Or be rude to people.
Mom: Um....Ellie?
Ellie, opening one eye: Well, just in case!

Friday, April 10, 2009. 7:40 a.m.

Ellie: Why is it Easter?

Mom: Because Jesus died and then he came out of the tomb

Ellie: Yeah. Because somebody zapped him.

Mom: What? Did you say zapped him?

Ellie: Yeah, zapped him. Bibbity, bobbity, boo!

(When Ellie was 5 years old; as told by my mom): Yesterday morning I walked through the door after an early temple session. Ellie was waiting for me on the other side. She said,"Mom! Where did you go?" I said,"To the temple." She said,"Was Jesus there?" I said,"Yes." and then she she dropped to her knees, gave a trademark scowl of disappointment and said, "OH! I wanted to see Jesus!"

And, for the finale, a story Ellie wrote about Griffey, our dog, when she was a baby (still is...but, you know):