if I had a nickel for every time Spotify told me it needed to update I could create a coin avalanche to (obviously) bury Spotify headquarters!!!!

ugh sorry for the Photo Booth shot but I haven't taken a new picture (of something other than my suuuperrrr tired face) with my phone in like 2 weeks no joke

Wow. I am so tired. Like, so tired. Like so tired that I tried to google something by typing it into my Facebook status window thingie. Window thingie? Huh? DID I MENTION I WAS TIRED.

The good news is that this week should be enough time to adjust to a new sleep schedule (goodbye 1am, you inspirational devil of a time, you). The bad news is that it actually probably isn't...because the last time anyone saw me fully conscious at 5:30am, I was, as my dad fondly put it, "nursing." Not sure why I put quotes around that. It wasn't metaphorical. I WAS NURSING. AS IN, A NOT-EVEN-REALLY-FULLY-FORMED-BABY.

So I guess now I'm back to being a baby, but in a different type of way. Full circle. ?? Maybe???

Here is a brief list of things I thought about today during my 8-hours of training (sitting in a chair).

Wait, what does pedagogy mean? Should I know what that means? (tries to google using Facebook) Oh yeah, pedagogy. I've heard of that. It definitely has nothing to do with Organ Studies, and I was 100% sure it did. Darn.

That girl over there has three Master's Degrees?!?!? THREE. HAHAHAaaaaAAAA WHAT AM I DOING HERE.

Ah, yes! Bagels! My flavorite carbohydrate! I guess I'll have two since I didn't have breakfast. *immediate regret follows*

No way did that OTHER girl just say she also has three Master's Degrees. Like what da haaack.

Aw frap, I didn't bring a notebook. Now the professor will think I am texting but really I'm taking notes! (and texting)

I need to check out the bus routes because there's no way I'm paying for parking tomorrow! Plus everyone will see the pillows and blankies in the back of my car and think I'm living in it! And even though I could easily fall asleep in my car right now I am not going to go pretend I need something from my car in the middle of this orientation and go fall asleep in it! Nope! Deefffinitely not doing that.

Omgosh THERE ARE SO MANY BEARDED MEN HERE.

Goodnight. Lest you think I am joking, just know that the desk whereupon my laptop is sitting immediately abuts the bed (yes, ABUTS, look it up, all ye who have not seen "Pride and Prejudice"), so that I can easily roll over from this sitting position to a completely horizontal one.

the thing about 2am

The thing about 2am is that it tends to stir up really complicated emotions which I do not have names for. I was driving home from Provo for the last time in a long time last night (uh, morning, whatever), and it began again. Saying goodbye is kind of the most painful weird beautiful misunderstood thing, which I think we should start dubbing an emotion. Like we should say "I am feeling very goodbye-ish right now" which can mean, "I am feeling very sad but also all the love I have for every person in my life is exploding out of me like a nebula collapsing in on itself dO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN."

So I wrote this, and I hope it makes you feel some type of way. The type of way that gets you thinking about who you would miss if you had to say goodbye to them, and then maybe you should tell that person how much you realllyyyy love them right now, instead of waiting. DO NOT WAIT. Ugh.

Maybe all I need right now is some peanut butter crunch. Maybe all I need is for someone to say to me, “You don’t have to try so hard.” Stop trying so hard to claw your way into things, things that aren’t for you. I try to hard to make the puzzle pieces fit where they can’t, and won’t, and it’s causing me grief. It’s making me wake up in the night thinking “You are not a puzzle piece.”

I had the experience the other night of feeling the need to cry so strongly that I practically vomited. And I was like “Yes. I am finally a woman now.” But to be truthful, I did not particularly relish getting into my car at 11:35pm on a Friday night on the street where two of my best friends live and driving away from them, and crying so much that I wished my eyes had windshield wipers. I shook my fist at my heart, which was, ironically, closing up like a fist. I am in a war. My heart is making war on every part of me that needs to leave, that has to let go, and I must do this soon, because I don’t know how things will go if I let my heart stay here.

Well. I know how things will go.

I’ll wake up that morning with lead in my chest. I will close my eyes against the feeling of leaving, and then I will get into my car and leave. Because that’s what grown-ups do. That’s what we do! We have to wring out the emotions, just temporarily, so we can get through. Through the tunnel of ridiculous discomfort that is leaving one’s comfort zone. And then at the end of the tunnel, the heart is just a muscle. It just pumps blood. That’s it’s one job.

But see, I know myself. I know that I won’t do that. I’ll drag it out for an interminably and excruciatingly long time and that’s how I will say goodbye, with tooth and nail, with eyes wide open and falling headfirst into my grief and excitement. I know that’s what I will do, and that means crying so hard that I have to pull over to the side of the road. The conclusion is that it’s hard to love people. I know that it’s supposed to be worth it, and it is, but it’s also incredibly difficult, for someone who wears their heart like a tattoo, someone like me.

I am going to write letters. I’m going to write letters that say,

“I miss you so much that it hurts

It feels cold, like a shockwave, like getting shoved.

I feel weak, like I’m not supposed to miss anybody

This much.

I want to shake an 8-ball, shake it a

million times

And ask

“is this okay? is this okay? is this okay?”

too many stress bombs, not enough dance moms

I have no clue what that even means. It's just one of those rhyming couplets that came to me, boom, inspiration-station-what-am-I-saying.

It's been a week straight from hell. That's what I'm really tryn'a say. I guess it's also "Homeless Week" in Provo, which couldn't be more accurate (unless some students are actually living in the blackberry bushes by the river because that is where the homeless people lived where I grew up). I packed 75% of my belongings and took them to Logan. Left my wallet+keys to my car (which has broken down again) at my grandma's house like a fool. Looked at another place to live even though I already signed a contract at a different place and I'm having second thoughts. It's like, hello, Lucifer, you can leave now. Plz I don't have time for you and your shenanigans. I get that I'm about to make a huge life change and you're trying to break me down but I just DON'T HAVE TIME OK.

I DON'T

HAVE

TIME

Better stop now before I cuss again. Here's random Europe pics, because I didn't even share a fraction of them with you guyz (to avoid being obnoxious...yet here I am, doing it. Ugh).

here I am in front of the British Museum eating this ice cream and wondering where my friends are and just noticing the sign behind me like oh well whatever nevermind

HERE I AM IN SWITZERLAND BY MYSELF WALKING AROUND A LAKE IT WAS THE BEST THING EVER sigh I wanna be there now

this post is fueled by my grilled cheeses

this is how it is to be a girl

Yes, I meant for "grilled cheeses" to be plural.

I just now overheard two kids at my workplace singing "London Bridge is Falling Down," but they definitely replaced the words "London Bridge" with "Jesus." ????????????????

I have a feeling that Guy Fieri would be proud of this post so far, and that is not a good thing.

People keep asking me how I feel about the fact that I'm going to be a college professor in 2.5 weeks and I'm like "Fine." "Doesn't bother me." "Wait, should I be worried?" *shoulder shrug*

But on the inside, this is how it really is:

WHOSE IDEA WAS THIS?! LIKE WHAT THE ACTUAL H? 
I'm supposed to check my classroom to see if my computer will work in there and oh gosh I don't think technology will agree with me should I just tell my students sorry no Powerpoints for the entire year and I'll just use one of those overhead projectors they will ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT ??!?!??

??!?!?????!????????????? <--lots of this emotion, which I can't express vocally, but if I could it would sound like a pterodactyl getting hit by a bus

I should bring a garden hose to keep  myself my students awake because class is at 7:30 AM and now I know for sure that this whole thing was not my idea at all (looking up at the sky, for effect).

If all else fails at least I will keep a chocolate stash in my drawer for ME AND ONLY ME! 

I really hope we don't have to read Moby Dick.

It's clearly going well.

I have to pack every single item I possess in the next less-than-48 hours. If you have arms I need your help. Not what you think--I just need you to hug me and therefore keep my arms pinned down and therefore help me procrastinate because PACKING BLOWS.

So does moving, but I'm not gonna think about that yet. I like to procrastinate feeling emotions, too. #adult

my eyes have been bloodshot for 3 days now, am I a vampire? + a (few) grammar lesson(s)

I call this the "Fleetwood Mac" filter, only bc I was listening to them while I edited the pics 

nO. Not a vampire. Just being compressed in the garbage compressor of ~*STrEss~*. Tip! If you put asterisks and wavy lines around the word "stress," it does absolutely NOTHING to alleviate that aforementioned stress! Just so you guys know! I am using way too many exclamation points! That's an English no-no! The other day I was texting a guy and I tried to correct his English but then I realized it was proper English after I'd corrected him! It! Was! Embarrassing!

Ok, from now on, I'm not going to use exclamation points. I'm so excited. Yes. Do you feel the excitement in here. It's just huge.

Hey, did you know there are people out there who don't pronounce the "h" in "huge"???? DID YOU! Oops. I mean, did you. They say "youuuuu-ge" instead, and it drives me bananas. I'm like "hey, there is definitely an 'h' at the beginning of that word and it's not silent." I get weird about words because I feel like they're...close to me? Or something? Yeah I'm not good with words at this precise moment in time but that's because #bloodshoteyes. I'm having an allergic reaction to everything in my life collapsing in on itself, probably.

Another tip: don't put "probably" at the end of your sentences because nobody will take you seriously. It's been my struggle these past 25 years, so now if I ever say to someone "Hey I like you!" They're like "Um? Sarcasm much?" And I'm like "??? What did I say???" Another tip: don't overuse question marks. People will think that you excessively question everything and THEN they'll label you as "nihilist" or "postmodernist" or "mega-nerd." Unfortunately, because most people don't know what the first two words mean, they say the third one. BUT THEY ALL MEAN THE SAME THING BASICALLY.

Also, don't say "basically" too much because people will think you're trying to dumb down everything you say (because you are), and they will label you as "pretentious." OR they'll flip it the other way and say "why are you so unsure of yourself? Just say something IS or IS NOT, but don't say describe it as "basically" because that MAKES * U * BASIC*." Don't put asterisks around stuff. As far as cussing goes, all I have to say is this: the proper response to finding SIX old burritos in the back of your friends' truck IS to say "what the he**?" Just so you know.

One more thing: USE ALL CAPS ALL THE TIME AS MUCH AS YOU WANT BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING PASSIONATE ABOUT SOMETHING AND YELLING IT PASSIVE AGGRESSIVELY THROUGH TEXT SO HERE GOES NOTHING!!!!! (exclamation point rule has been disbanded temporarily for this portion of the show)

DON'T STAY UP PAST 1AM NO MATTER HOW STRESSED YOU ARE BECAUSE YOU'LL REGRET IT IN ABOUT 5 HOURS

DON'T DO HEADSTANDS ON HARD FLOORS IN ROOMS WITH CHEMICALS IN THEM YOU WILL REGRET IT ALMOST IMMEDIATELY (BUT THEN YOU'LL DO IT AGAIN 50 MORE TIMES)

DON'T DRIVE OLD CARS WITHOUT A/C AROUND IN CIRCLES THEY WILL GET TIRED AND START SMOKING

DON'T*GIVE*OUT*YOUR*NUMBER*TO*PEOPLE*WHO*DON'T*DESERVE*IT*

OKAYYYYY!???!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!

Basically, I just broke every grammar rule I told you to follow while I was telling you to follow it. What's that called?

Being a smart-aleck...?

Yeah.

current mood^^

joke's on you, guy who stared at me for an uncomfortable amount of time today! I haven't shaved my legs for a week!

never shall I be a fashion blogger, amen.

if you stare at this for too long...don't. just don't do that.

File that one under Things I Should Have Said Out Loud to a Stranger But Did Not. Wait, but that will take an entire filing cabinet, and filing cabinets are ugly. I guess I can't file it anywhere in this hypothetical scenario because of aesthetic. TYPICAL MCKENZIE.

Ew, my computer just tried to autocorrect my name to "Mackenzie!" What the! Also, Spotify has started making everyone their own playlists (called "Discover Weekly"), and last week's was amazing but the song I just listened to from today's has a very crazy saxaphone solo in the middle of a...I can't tell if it's a country song or pop. HALP. I didn't ask for thiiiisss!

While I was driving home in the rain today (and listening to "Plans" because I just rediscovered that album in Moab this last weekend, thank you Ari, thank you from the bottom of my soul) I started to compose a list in my head of things I have to do before I leave in 3 weeks (count 'em, THREE, that's LESS THAN A MONTH, WHAT).

Holy cow WHY IS SHAMPOO SO EXPENSIVE?! This is what happens when I blog and get on Amazon at the same time. And I'm not editing out any side thoughts, humans. That's just the way the cookie crumbles today. While I'm going off on a tangent, you should watch this if you haven't yet because I definitely thought it was fake when I first saw it. As my friend Kurt described it "Somehow this video proves there is a God..." *disclaimer: not a Mormon message*

Ok, now that my tangent is over, list time, baby! Then we can finally wrap up the most incoherent and nonsensical blog post ever written. And thus it is, amen. Aw frap I just remembered I have a peanut butter cup in my purse....might have to take a detour and eat it.

things McKenzie must do before she leaves to go back to skool again and will surely be drowning in enough paper to save the rainforest, and will therefore not be blogging very much really probably:

1) how would paper save the rainforest though, unless you could reverse-produce it...? OK FOR REALLY I'M GONNA WRITE THIS.
2) go to Payson Temple & Provo Temple (come with me, all ye who can, sorry I just said that in a scriptural tone of voice)
3) go up the canyon/into the mountains/pretty much ev-e-ry dang day
4) go to a baseball game (random, but I haven't gone all summer and I feel weird about it)
5) eat some Graham Canyon ice cream (a lot of it)
6) hammock hammock hamoooooockkkkkk
7) sit around a fire so I can walk away smelling like campfire (I like it, so what who cares)
8) unfollow every single person on Facebook who posts anything about the upcoming election
9) jk
10) NOT JK
11) write a syllabus (hahahahahahah so weird that I even typed that, let alone that I'm doing it)
12) delete snapchat again
13) probably not though
14) watch The Buttercream Gang (I'm dead serious)
15) I'M NOT KIDDING I LOVE THAT MOVIE
16) stop writing this list
17) just
18) *~stop*~
19) also, stop giving out my number to boys who don't even deserve it
20) eggplant emoji

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