things I write when I'm putting off finalizing a syllabus

thanks to you,

I now have much better taste in movies. Before we met, I was a self-proclaimed "movie snob" (oof) because I watched movies that were black and white and enjoyed them. Now I know a movie doesn't have to be old, made by Disney, or have a happy ending to be "good."

I know way more about current events and politics. The only thing I ever learned from politics before was from scrolling through Facebook in agony.

I appreciate dad humor (this pains me to say, but pain is a sign of growth, I think #deep).

I am better at asking for things that I need, because nobody is telepathic, even though I sometimes act like they are.

I have a rediscovered love of very bad Mexican food (Beto's, why? Why must you entrap me once again?).

I see a lot of things differently.

When you've been seeing things pretty much one way (your way) for your whole life, it's crazy refreshing to see everything through a different lens.

ur the Bill Murray to my Scarlett J. 

ur in(e) my heart

Who wants to hear an epic tale of total and utter shame? YEAH, ME TOO! Oh, wait, but this is about me. Keep it straight, McKenzie, keep it straight.

I was listening to a podcast the other day and it was about an embarrassing moment this girl had, which was quite similar to a few moments in my own life all revolving around the teetering strength of my bladder. Basically, "teetering strength" means weakness, but it's like reverse psychology because I used the word "strength" to tell you my bladder was weak. There's gotta be a fancy word for what I just did. ........lying?

Liz and I were walking home from school and speaking to each other in an alien language we had made up. Btw, this was in 8th grade. So we're walking and it's probably about 2 miles from the school to our houses (we lived next door to each other like all American Girl doll protégés do). I had ingested a very large amount of water in seventh period, like I always did because I was trying to get away from Jacob Young who was constantly kneeling by my desk and proposing to me. It's not easy being a dead ringer for Felicity (1774). Observe:

What? I'm sure that's what Jacob saw in me. Otherwise, what in the he*k do you think he was doing kneeling by my desk and asking me to quote "bear his children" close quote!!!!??????? Yeah me neither. So anyways, I was constantly leaving math class to "get a drink" cuz it was the only way Mr. Malcolm would let me leave and get away from Jake (of course his name was Jake, of COURSE it was, I couldn't make this crud up if I tried).

And because I am a compulsive water-drinker in awkward situations, but also, unfortunately, irrationally afraid of public bathrooms (except later this irrational fear would become more rational when I took a job cleaning bathrooms at BYU-Idaho, and I don't want to remember all the hair I saw but it was more than whatever's left after the filming of every Hobbit film). ANYHOW, are you getting this? I drank too much water but I also refused to use the bathroom 'til I got home, which was a 2-mile walk, which would be doable except that I was talking with my best friend in an alien language, which had the effect of constricting my bladder even more because I was losing it.

Fig. 1 (Equation 1)
10 gal water - 1 trip to the bathroom =

We were about halfway to our house, in front of the Wilson's (our usual target for TP-ing), when I felt my legs give out a little. That's called k-a-r-m-a, kids. When your legs give out anytime, it's a bad situation. Walking up Old Main Hill on an icy winter day? Standing in front of the entire kindergarten class and a wave of nervousness washes over you? A gigantic ball that's absolutely coming straight for you and you know there's no way you're gonna catch it because you're SEVEN years old but your gym teacher says it's "fun"? Legs give out? Bad. Bladder full? Legs are the only things holding it in?

is NOTHING easy?!!! 

This egg here represents what my bladder was doing.

It was like, this weird journey. First I was all relieved cuz you know it feels good to finally stop holding it in (a metaphor for holding in ur feelings, probably, but I can't go into that right now I'm too busy embarrassing myself), but then this shockwave of shock hit me and I was like "oh shoot sound the alarm," but the words sorta came out like a sneeze like when you're trying not to move very much so as not to blow up.

me: uffds

liz: haha yeah what does that mean? (remember she still thinks we're speaking in tongues)

me: ballder?

liz: what

me: peeeeeeeeeee

liz: *starts reciting her alien alphabet starting with the letter Q*

We walked a little further. Got past our piano teacher's house at which point I was pretty much doing a convoluted version of the "jerk" 

This is when it gets juicy. Wrong word choice, but you know. I can't really care anymore at this point. Liz walked away because she absolutely knew what was going on and didn't want to be a part of it (totally understand now), and I sat down on the sidewalk and just let it happen. By the way, it wasn't raining, which is weird because this was in Oregon, where it rains 80% of the time, so I didn't have a good cover. I just kinda sat on the sidewalk like, "Yeah...just sitting. I love sitting! I was so tired from walking that two miles and since I'm two houses from my house I am going to sit now and just....gosh I love sitting." *Liz slowly backs away*

This would've been a humiliating enough end, but then my mom came around the corner all cheery faced and skipping, coming to fetch the mail, and we had one of those community mailboxes which just so happened to be past where I was sitting.

mom: what are you doing sitting on the sidewalk

me: what? what sidewalk?

mom: uh you sitting in a puddle? (this wasn't a question, but my mother is graceful, so it sounded like one)

me: are you getting the mail? 

mom: yes...? 

me: okay heheh cool well let me know if I get anything *would be literally impossible for me to have mail because I'm an 8th grader, but a girl can dream*

mom: where's Liz?

me: she went home, but I wanted to take a break...from walking (my mom, by now, must know that my physical endurance is totally shot in every way)

mom: are you feeling sick?

me, willing the sun to heat up suddenly and zap the ever-spreading puddle around me: huh?

mom: kay....

me: ...........

mom: ........................

Gee, I thought this would be cathartic but it actually wasn't.

*therapy*

"even in hell I'd be the center of attention."-Houston

this is my life now

As you all well know by now, I like to record the ridiculous/awful things people say without them realizing it and then publish it later on this blog! I think that's called something else in the real world...like...libel...or something?? Heheh anyways who cares about the law, right? *something about freedom of speech*

*Me, trying to get something off his shirt where his biceps are*
H: "yeah, they real"
(should be noted that we weren't dating at this point) 

H: "That was your first mistake...most girls wouldn't be around me without a knife."
(I have no context for this now so it sounds realllyyyyyy bad)

*coming to a realization about the importance of fashion*:
"Wait...your shoes do matter."

We were watching 2001: A Space Odyssey (weirdest movie ever) when this scene came on: (basically, a bunch of gorillas gather around a big piece of space cement which falls from the sky and subsequently lose their minds)

Houston's reaction:"It's just like when a girl walks into elders quorum in the singles ward!"

H: "They should make a separate hymnbook for girls called 'Hers.'"

"If a horse speaks in code is it called morse?"

"I'm so strong that I can not work out for years and I'll still be stronger than you."
*sarcasm*

Being dead serious and straight-faced:
H: "You're... a home breaker."
me: "Do you mean homewrecker?????"

M: "There's something in your eye.."

H: "It's not my glimmer?"

M: "Your eyeballs match your face right now!" (Bloodshot eyes, sunburned skin)

H: "You mean they're both pretty?"

(we don't actually talk about his eyes as much as this post would insinuate)

H: "I thought about you all day today except for when I was eating cuz then I was thinking about food."

H, trying to find the cemetery: "Where are the dead people?" 

H (no context because there is none): "I had a really good ham today. It was really tender. And fatty. That's how you know a ham is good."

Me: 😐

Helping me walk over ice: "I used to escort this old lady to church. This reminds me of that. Also you're about the same height as her." 

H: "Do you think Larry King was sponsored by  light bright?"

H: "You put a lot of lettuce in your omelette."

M: "That's not lettuce that's kale."

H: "Oh. I've never seen kale before."

😂😂😭

H, reminiscing on heroic summers of his youth: "We all life guarded together and it was really nice because we never had to save anyone." 

Me trying to write something in his mom's Mother's Day card: "What should I say?"

Houston: say, "It's a good thing you're not my mom because then I couldn't date your son!"
Me: "No"

*Me, talking about a podcast regarding Richard Nixon*
H: "I don't think it's entertaining to watch Republican presidents humiliating themselves."
HAHAHA this is even funnier now than when he first said it 

*sees risqué album cover*

His mom: yeah, that one's called A Star is Born

Houst: SOMEthing is about to be born!
(I am not going to put the album cover on here)

Me, quizzing Houst on previously learned veg knowledge: "Say, what's this vegetable?"

H: "It's kelp..."

Me: "No, kale."

H: "Well, kale comes from the ocean too...?"

H, impersonating me being a klutzbomb:
"I'm McKenzie and all my problems are self inflicted."

H, driving to St. George in the middle of the night:
"Everyone should drive in the right lane except for me."
me: *is immediately comforted*
(not)

*Me, citing the gross verse in the Celine Dion song that says "there were nights of endless pleasure" as the reason I wasn't allowed to listen to the song as kid"

Houst: "What! Well, they probably just started a Monopoly game at 9 and it went all night!"

H: "I put the man in mayonnaise."

M: "Please don't ever say that again." 

Me *reading a sign* "Under new ownership...that's a good band name."

Houston: "Or a good relationship status on Facebook."

Me: "Only if you're the guy."

Houston: "Do you think if pigs knew how good they tasted they would eat each other?"

Shae: "What's a black currant?"

Houston: "It's a steady flow of black culture."
btw, THIS is a black currant:

His mom, asking about cheese curds, not Kurds: "Did you get your curds?"

Houst: "Yes, and some Shiites." (OOF)

Houst: "I'm going to make a gang called the Doppel Gang. You can only join it if you look like me."

H: "You need to lower your bar"

Me: "I only set the bar low for limbo"

H: "You wouldn't even have to bend backwards, just walk under it."

Me (complaining about something lame probably) "...ooookay fine, I'll stop talking. Forever."

Houst: "Aw, you'd do that for me??"

Me: "Hey you have a hole in your shirt...uhh right over the nipple."

Houston: "Yeah, easy access point." 

Me: ??????
H: ????????????????????????? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

While watching The Sixth Sense:

"He [Haley Joel Osment] just needs Pokemon Go, but for dead people! Gotta catch em all!"

an autocorrect accident is just an opportunity for some people*

*Houston

and my facial reaction to almost all of these is:

what a weirdo