in the rearview

 

I've heard this from others, so it's not just me. But yes, fall always makes me look back. I think it has something to do with fall being the last gasp before a long winter. The letting go of everything. And so instinctively, we reach back for the old memories, or something to hold onto.

I looked at my Instagram account a few days ago and I have only posted like 12 times this last year. I almost want to shake the shoulders of my past self just to tell her how much time she's gonna waste on social media just mindlessly scrolling, trying to numb out any bad feeling (and then, ironically, the bad feeling was replaced with other bad feelings, only they were in disguise as...something else I guess). This time last year, I wasn't in my happiest state of mind. Winter was on its way and so was my dread.

I left fingernail marks on fall and everything that came before it. I was imagining a vast wasteland of winter. Have you ever been to the salt flats?

Imagine a little speck in the middle of it, and that was me, in the middle of winter.

In my mind, that thought was enough to keep me up at night. Coupled with a mindless, unfulfilling job and living in a basement...I was basically a ghoul ready to haunt something. Maybe even myself.

This is not to say that there were not moments, even long moments, of happiness in my life. My husband is without a doubt the most patient, understanding person I could have chosen. Any time with him calmed my anxiety. But anxiety is not always so simple, and it cannot be "cured" by another person. You can only fix it yourself. So that's the tricky part, right? Because then you have to say "I need help. I don't know how to fix this thing." When you're already an anxious perfectionist, asking for help is about the farthest thing from easy.

And even when you do get help (which I did), you have to be willing to let things go.

Let things go.

Just like the trees do every year. This morning I noticed there are two autumns--there is one in early October, when most of the aspen trees explode in their fall colors and then die out. And after that initial bursting, we think it's over. A frost appears on the windshield or the sidewalk where the neighbor left their sprinklers running overnight. You close your eyes and wait for winter's first blow. But then!

All the trees that hadn't caught up to the first part of fall, they start to turn. And their colors might be the most beautiful of all, because they're mixed in together, all the reds and ochres and goldenrod and the rainy mists that follow. I don't really know what I'm saying now, except that I think it doesn't matter when you decide to let go, as long as you don't wait until it's already winter and the frost covers all those beautiful colors anyway.

things I will probably needlepoint onto a billboard

I can now say that unironically because I ACTUALLY KNOW HOW TO NEEDLEPOINT.

Welcome to the Millennial Old Lady Phenomenon. I did in fact just make that up (obviously).

But you know it's true. Millenials are the new hipster, and hipsters were always just old people in disguise.

Hence my penchant for embroidery and wearing huge clothes that don't fit.

Here is a list I made in the middle of my social media fast (what, you don't struggle with giving up social media? What are you, a robot?):

things to embroider on a piece of fabric or maybe a billboard cuz that would be better:

• stop adding extra vowels to your children's names
• worry about yourself (oh no, but then we couldn't speculate about stranger's lives on social media?! REVOLUTIONARY)
• scream into a pillow, you probably won't feel better but at least you'll get to scream
• you can correct people's grammar or you can have friends
•  when you feel yourself starting to compare, SWERVE (this might not be a good billboard) (for safety reasons)
• live your life like the person who invented toast--they saw a piece of bread and went "cook it again," wow
• don't turn down the music in my car to speak to me--do you think your conversation is more important than this absolute banger?
• solo night drives are at the bottom of the food pyramid
• do you ever look at the ocean and think "sure is some scary soup!"
• space fact: if you look up, there it is
• the magic is in you. but it's also in microwaveable macaroni and cheese.
• when I catch my big break and show up to the academy awards wearing my old EFY shirt and some beat-up vans it's over for you hoes
• facing confrontation? sneeze yourself into another dimension
• any room is a crying room if you cry in it
• it's called oPENING, not "unboxing," you absolute pancakes
• it's okay to be OK (oklahoma)
• a warm bed. food to eat. walking back into the kitchen right as the microwave beeps. (this has been a poem)
• I'm sorry I watched an episode without you  

THANKS FOR BEING HERE

SORRY I'M YELLING IT'S JUST ONE OF THOSE TIMES

The Houst Speaks

Lookin' back on my blog archive today and realized I haven't published one of these in like eight months, and it was a part of my marriage covenant to publish them sOOOoooooOo

(even I know how obnoxious I am, guys)

This is exactly how the notes started in my phone:

"Unfortunately I am still keeping track of these." 

You may be allergic to gluten but you aren’t allergic to deez glutes

The government is not...someone’s...dad

*in line at Costa* 

Me: You should download the app cuz then you get four dollars off.

Houston: *downloads app* in App Store under the Costa app it says you might like a knot tying app 

....because everyone who stands in this line wants to know how to tie a noose.”

H: I was in Sam’s club today and I couldn’t find anything I wanted. I walked past the rotisserie chicken, and saw my reflection in the glass, and realized something 

Me: What?

H: I look so good through the lens of chicken...

H: Compliments are like girls numbers, I haven’t gotten one since I got married *cue laughter induced asthma attack* 

*discussing what kind of pets to get*

H: You seem like the kind of girl who should have a Ziploc bag of peat moss and that’s it.

H: I don’t think Victoria’s Secret models are attractive...I like Gap and Roxy models.

You’ve heard of elf on a shelf, but have you heard of wench on a bench?

Me: *scratches back* I did it by myself!

H: Did you get a degree in self reliance?

Me: More like self defiance.

H: Can I tell you a secret? I’m a Gemini. I also own a diamond shop called The Gem and I.

H: I want an art gallery but it’s only pics of Rihanna and I’ll call it Gallerihanna

M: Wow I need new garments, these are too big.

H: Okay if I can get some fireworks, you can get some new garments.

M: Our marriage in a nutshell

H: When I need someone to scratch my itch I always make sure to ask my...wife (said at 1am)

Watching the bachelor in paradise...

H:  Who has bigger boobs? Crystal from bachelor in paradise or Gollum?

Watching The Two Towers

 H: See everyone just needed an Ent during Hurricane Katrina and they would’ve been fine 

H: You know what orcs can’t do? Spin a beach ball on their nose.

Sees actress named Signe

H: “How do you pronounce that?”

M: “Sign?”

H: Yeah and her husband is Cosine

M: And they had a baby named Tangent 

Houston (at 2am) If you could dedicate a roller coaster to a prophet in the scriptures who would it be?

H: I have a secret 

M: Yes?

H: Did you know that hypoglycemic and bulimic rhyme?

M: That’s your secret?

Houston: Pottery Barn? Yuck. That is the worst name ever for a store.

Helping me come up with a name for my art store

1. Whimsical splatters
2. Monk and disorderly 
3. Cage free art 

I wish there was a Blue’s Clues app so I could help that little dog find clues all day. 

bla bla bla fall bla bla

Sometimes the memory of my career in college really fades into the background...like when I write sentences like the one above ^^

I'm listening to the Up and Vanished podcast which honestly I do not recommend. DO NOT. Did you ever hear of the satirical podcast The Onion made called "A Very Fatal Murder" (yes, that's the name)? Well, that podcast is making fun of this one. Because....it's just ridiculous. They take a very serious cold case and turn it into a soap opera. And the guy that hosts is not a reporter or investigator or anything, but he acts like he is. And it's just the wooorst.

So, you're like, uh why are you listening to it?

Well maybe I just need something really dumb to listen to while I'm doing mindless data entry at work, eh?! And maybe listening to dumb things and doing said data entry is giving me a Canadian accent (only in writing)!!

I'm worried about myself.

All summer long I complain about the dry heat and the sweat driblets in my arm crease and the garments sticking to my back and everything being uncomfortable and wallowing like a dying hog and thEN September comes and I think "Okay NOW it's time to stop sweating and I can put on a light jacket or something" but by the middle of the day it's back up to 90 and I'm like when will I get to wear my leather jacket, oh weather gods?! And then October comes and the real fall lasts for 10 days and then it snows and I'm wearing my big puffy coat all day at work so WHO EVEN CARES ABOUT FASHION. Why do I even spend money on clothes?!

These are the very important questions.

Just a review...so far I have answered:

1) Why do you listen to stupid podcasts that you hate with semi-irresponsible reporting and spooky elevator music?
and
2) Why do you spend money on clothes when you live somewhere with such a fickle climate where it would be cheaper to just wear long johns under a giant ankle-length coat all day/every day?

I was teaching a class today ("teaching" is a loose term for what I was doing...), and during one of the in-between class times, one of the students asked the professor if she could take an important phone call in the middle of class.

Here is the conversation that ensued:

girl: I need to take a phone call during class...it might not happen, but if it does, can I step outside for a second?
teacher: yeah that's fine...
girl: ok cool. I think my boyfriend is going to break up with me.

~*SWERVE~*

teacher: ...... (nervously sweating) (yeah I guess I'm back to talking about sweating)
girl: he hasn't spoken to me in 3 days and I tried to call him this morning and he didn't answer but he said he would call me back later.
teacher: so how do you know he's going to break up with you?
girl: I just....I think it's going to happen.
teacher: (still nervous) are you...sad about that?
girl: mmm, yeah. *shrugs*

WELL OKAY THEN.

Do u ever look at your 28-year-old self in the mirror and say this?

I think my new life aspiration is to be the next Anne of Green Gables. But my name will be..... McKenzie of Brown Brick Buildings.

HE*K YA

the chill is upon us

No, not the chili.

ALTHOUGH

Chili does sound good right now, especially since the low is now dropping to the 20s (cat home alone emoji).

Houston woke up before me this morning and claimed that the shower water wasn't quite warm enough, and then he stuck his cold hands under the blanket (where I was currently residing). Apparently our days of using one blanket are now over. And you know what ELSE, this is the last October I'll have in Logan so I'm going to soak it all up. All of the goosebumps and the standing at the bus stop in a jacket way too thin for the canyon winds and yes, I'm going to go to the dang pumpkin patch. Don't @ me.

My mom is texting me right now about how busy Sundays are:

me: guess you should pray for two-hour church to get announced this weekend! (winky face)
her: you too, huh?
me: well I'm not holding out hope since that's a long-standing rumor
me: BUT did you know they are piloting it in Boston?
mom: who told you that?
me: the internet.

The internet knows all.

 Evidence of my last statement ^

Is anyone else super bored reading this? Sarry, I forgot pictures.

And honestly I wouldn't blame ya if you decided to never read this blog again because my honest opinion of bloggers nowadays is that they are insufferable. I can't take all of the #sponcon and #ad and #everythinginthissquareisfake. I just can't do it, yo.

AND NO NOTHING I EVER WRITE IS EVER SPONSORED, AMEN.

Hey univerise, why isn't there a hit song about October yet? Clearly it's superior to its predecessor.

 

someone wrote a book about me, and it wasn't me