the club can't even handle me right now

So, I've been saying that phrase for awhile now...without realizing it was from a song. I usually just say it in a moment of frustration or awe or just plain "what the heck is happening?" You know. The usual stuff.

I woke up today feeling like P-Diddy after he'd partied too hard the night before. You feel me?

 

it was seriously the best dream, though.

I dream about going to the zoo a lot, too. 

Who wants to make that dream come true?

You guys wanna know my most embarrassing moment (of the week)? "Well, what  else does she blog about?"

The story goes like dis: I went to Albertson's semi-late at night. And by that I mean at 8:30pm, but that's "late" in American Fork, and also nobody shops at that store anyway, so when you walk in you can yell things like "I EAT PIE FOR BREAKFAST!!!" And hear the echo bounce all throughout the store. The possibilities, man. The freedom.

So I bought the things I came for, and soon thereafter realized my bladder was suuuper full (I had been at a wedding reception a few minutes previous, and we all know how those go for me). I followed the signs to the restroom, which led me up a really sketchy staircase, complete with flickering lights and lipstick graffiti on the walls.

Okay, just kidding. There was no lipstick graffiti. Still in American Fork, yo.

When I got to the top of the stairs, I wasn't close to any restroom. I was in the employee lounge. I'm not gonna lie, the comfy leather chairs and vending machine looked inviting, especially at 8:30 at night (my bedtime). But I pressed on.

I was greeted by yet another sketchy hallway. No flickering lights. No lights at all. Does this sound safe to you? Especially for a girl wearing very tall shoes and a skirt? Hmm?!?!

Yeah. It was safe. Still in American Fork.

Well, then I finally reached a door that looked promising. I opened it and kind of, sort of, completely hit a person with the door. Not just a person, though. A very pubescent, very redheaded, braces-wearing boy. He smiled awkwardly at me. Then I saw the other teenager with him. I deduced from their mop bucket and the smell of cleaner that they were cleaning the bathroom.

"oOHHHH, so HERE'S the employees! I wonder if they heard me say I eat pie for breakfast..."

As soon as they realized I was a civilian needing to use the bathroom, they awkwardly shuffled out of the bathroom. I think I said "Heh heh...sorrry...."

Sorry I have to use the bathroom...? Eh, I don't know. Somebody had to apologize for all the awkward energy that was spinning around in that room. I took it upon myself to do so.

I think you all know what happened next. I was in the bathroom. So....

beeeeeeeeep

Okay. So I washed my hands, calmed down the frizzies on top of my head, and opened the door to leave.

Bang!

Hit the shoulder of one of the boys again....

Wait. Waiiiit. Were you guys standing outside the entire time?

Yes. Yes they were. And I did not actually ask them that. In my head I did, followed by a scream, and I'm sure my face looked something like this:

here's to bad lighting, wasssup!

Well, then they kind of moved past me like "Hey get out of the way we were cleaning in here..." And I ran as fast as my tall shoes could take me, all the while mortified and thinking "Oh my gooosssh they heard me peeing oh my gosh!" (sorry mom for saying "pee" on the internet).

My life. 

And now, for the musical portion of my bliggity-blog.

when people tell me they don't like music, I feel like this:

I've found some greeeaaaat gems on YouTube lately for your listening pleasure. I haven't done a music post in like...a year. Who am I. So here you go. 

um...the location in this one?? PERF.

How do I get in on making these videos, huh? And why do they all happen in France? 

More here, here, and here

(you didn't think I'd leave you with just five, did you? HA)

Also, THIS. This is crazy. And I realize that you could just take the regular music video and mute it, but srsly. Kind of genius. Kind of weird. 100% awesome. Especially this one. I think someone should take away the music and then add the audio from a movie that's totally unrelated, to be funny. Like Titanic! 

Okay, maybe not.

Oh p.s. I'm apartment hunting again. And I found the perfect one, which obviously I can't have. 

But it's perfect for making such music videos. 

I'm crying just looking at it. THIS IS IN PROVO.

Did you know the crying emoji is my most used emoji?

.....

mmkay bye.

♪ wake up in the morning feeling like p-diddy ♫ *falls out of bed*

this cake is for everyone who graduated/is gonna graduate/is done with school/is gonna be done with school this week 

(Trent, do not comment on this picture... I swear)

The other day I used those gas station pumps to put air in my bike tires because it is spring for realsies now, which means bike all day, all night, all the in-between times too, and the air leaked onto my hands and smelled like a dead fish. Not cool, gas station pumps. Not cool.

I finally met my spirit animal, the lovely Heather. Roxberries=McFrenzy friendship initiation. If you haven't eaten smoothies with me yet (whispers)...then we aren't actually friends. SOrry.

please notice Pokey's hiney in this picture. 

never thought I would type that sentence.

She just texted me to say that she forgot to bring actual pants to school. Is she the greatest or is she the greatest (praise hands)?

P.S. Read this, it's worth it.

I just realized that I give you guys, like, stage directions while I'm writing. What is that all about?

Last night I was the only girl in a room full of 6 boys. Don't be jealous. ...Really. Like, I was sitting on top of their giant bean bag chair (it's at least 2 stories tall) while they watched the NBA Playoffs. If last night was an episode of a sitcom, that episode would be called "If Men Are From Mars Then Women Are From A Galaxy Far, Far Away from Mars."

Observe:

me: "This is the part of sports I don't get...the highlights. Why do we have to watch them all over again? And why do they analyze it? It was great. But it's over now."
*instant replay of someone dunking a basketball...I think*
boy: "But didn't that just make your heart so happy?"
me: "I wasn't paying attention...heh."
boy: "Oh. Well it was awesome."
me: ....

boy: are you enjoying yourself? (hint of sarcasm there, but I forgive you-know-who-you-are)
me: [on Pinterest] yes! *shifty eyes*

girls that came over to visit for 5 seconds and therefore I didn't get names: hey guys wassup.
boys: hey, hey, come in and sit!
girl: oh no, we were just out walking.
boy: but you've been walking all day....
girl: ...through your mind? ha. hahaha. ehhhh.
boy: yeah. yeah. that's what I was gonna say.
boy: hey did you leave Jell-O on my porch?
me: is this the beginning of another pick-up line?
*everyone laughs uncomfortably*
girl: no...but I know a girl in my ward who was making lots of Jell-O this weekend.
(can we just pause in this conversation for a second and revel in it? it's so great. only in Provo. okay. un-pause. again with the stage directions.)
boy: oh that explains it!
girl: yeah all my Jell-O is still in boxes.
*everybody laughs because that was a double meaning if I ever saw one*

boy #1: hey, look at my phone background. isn't it cool?
boy #2: hey, that's my phone background too!
me: well they're kind of the same.
boy #1: okay, you judge them. which one is better.
boy #2: hey you have the brightness turned up! no fair! let me turn my brightness up. okay. now judge.
me: okay..well...you see, the trees are in this aesthetically-pleasing line in this one, so it's more pleasing to the eye. (errybody's eyes are glazing over because of the art references)
boy #1: okay but what about mine. it has aesthetic lines.
me: well, it has a bird in it. so that's cool. but the lines are more abrasive in it.
boy #1: you're abrasive!

boy: I just realized that this smells bad (pulling undenifiable object out of couch cushion)
other boys: ew, what is it? let me smell. (they pass it around and all smell it)
me: (making turtle face)
boy: you wanna smell?
me: no thanks. I'll pass.

I just...DK. And no, that does not stand for Donkey Kong. Although we could make that a verb if we wanted to. You know how when people (Elder Holland) slam their fists on the pulpit? Donkey Kong! "Oh he just donkey-konged that piece of wood!" ....ehh okay maybe not.

And now, a photo essay on how I spent my Easter.

don't mess.

#skullet

babies are my favorite versions of humans. just so we're clear.

This week begins wedding season. Seriously...2 (maybe 3) wedding festivities in 5 days. Utah in the summer is just one giant wedding reception, yo. And that's not even the half of it. I'm supposed to go on like 3 road trips this summer, what! 

Peace.

all I wanna do is [*gunshot* *gunshot* *cash register noise*] take a nap for six hours

Having a messed-up liver is pretty lame. I mean, it's right up there with all the most delicious foods making you gain weight and having to pay lots of money for the coolest things (except for temporary tattoos. Temporary tattoos are only 25 cents! #staypositive). Like, what kind of world is this? Anyway. Liver problemz=me needing to sleep all the time. Like you've never heard that one. 

Just a random but true thought: I never feel like I'm more at the height of my English skills than when I type "fjsklafjsa;fdjl;sa" in a text message to express deep feelings about something. 

how to properly text someone you like: (by me)

you: hey you remind me of pizza.

crush: how so?

person: I love pizza.

BOOM.

And now, the  "McKenzie-Is-The-Most-Awkward-Human" portion of our show:

The first time someone asked me about Tinder was a year ago. I thought she was talking about kindling. I was like "do I have tinder? For what? Are you starting a fire? Can I come?"

I'm not an arsonist. Just for the record. I'm just always cold. 

So, Tinder. 2 weeks ago I was completely against the idea. Then my friend Kenzie (not the friend in the mirror, c'mon you guys, I know I'm crazy but not that much) was like "Yo I have a tinder, it's way funny and sort of a confidence boost."

So says I, "Okay, I shall download it." And I did. And it was...the...most...hilarious thing I have ever experienced. And it probably ruined online dating for me forever. As in, it made me think I was shallow. More shallow than a kiddie pool. 

The concept is thus:

You write a 500-word bio. Most people don't write the 500 words because a) they don't know what to write to "hook" people [don't make it gross] and b) they think simply writing their height and where they go to school is sufficient information to snag a date. 

Then you add up to 5 pikshas of yourself, preferably mirror selfies if you're keeping up with the times, and hope that people start swipin' right. Basically, Tinder finds people in the area that match your age criteria (that's it, just age. I KNOW RIGHT?! It's wrong. It's so wrong. And yet it's right. I guess. Wait. I don't have evidence to back that up so I take it back.). And you just swipe through the options, all day long. Left=not interested. Right=interested.

But hold on a minute. "Interested" in what exactly? What do you know about this person? You know they are somewhat attractive based on the (hopefully) current pictures of themselves they have posted. And you know their height. And you know they all have a niece or two. I'm just saying, this is the pattern with the men of Tinder. Lit'rally almost every guy has this information on his profile. And 95% of them have a shirtless picture. And that's basically it.

The guys I swiped right for had something different about them. And that "something" was the (*angel chorus singing*) BIIIIIIiiiiiiOooooooooooooOOOOO.

Translation: the bio. 

Words. Words are my jam and my jelly. 

These go in the hall of fame. Or shame. I'll let you decide which ones I swiped right for. 

And then, something weird happened. Boys started to talk to me. And all of them had something to say about my bio...er...except for the first one. And that, my friends, is the power of some good writing skillz. Sha-bam. I'm not even embarassed that 50% of my "about me" was about food. Not even a little bit. Because look where it got me.

Don't worry. I saved the gif he sent me. Because it was pure gold. 

In the end, this was a super great social experiment. I learned that my English degree is super helpful in...picking up guys. Who knew??? 

Yesterday I deleted my account, so the fun is over. Until ne(ver)xt time! 

okay...one more. this was somebody's profile pic. whoever writes the best caption for this picture gets a jillion dollars and/or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, made by me (the sandwich, not the jillion dollars. I'm definitely not gonna be the one making that).

p.s. this post is not meant to criticize anybody who uses Tinder. 
It's gr8. But...just not for moi. /end scene

handing it over

I've been writing this post in my head for about a month. The thing about promptings is that come pretty steadily and consistently if you pay attention. And thankfully, I've been paying attention.

A couple of weeks ago, my mom and I were having one of those late night conversations that makes you feel emotionally lighter when you're done (or heavier, depending on the subject matter/person you're talking to). Also it makes your eyelids really puffy. And then the next day at work it looks like you have 2 black eyes, and people come up to you and ask if you're okay. Heh.

If there's anything I've learned in the last couple of months, it's to trust Heavenly Father completely. With that trust comes a whole lot of other things we have to give to Him. I'll explain that in a little bit. Once I decided to do that, my life became a lot easier. It felt like an anvil had been lifted from my shoulders.

Trusting in Him doesn't just mean saying "Okay, I'm going to grit my teeth and push through this trial." It also means being obedient, all the time. Eeeeep. Pride alert! I'm independent. I like to do things myself...asking for help is really hard. It's even hard for me to admit that. But I'm not admitting it so you guys will think I'm humble. Ha. Haha. This is an everyday struggle. But really...when I submit completely to those promptings, I'm always blessed. There's always a confirmation that what I did was right. And also a little "why the heck didn't I listen to that earlier?" commentary from the voice in my head that kind of sounds like Morgan Freeman...lezbehonest.

Now instead of fighting against the current, I feel like I'm just going down the stream in a nice little inner tube. Not like those giant ones we grew up using at Catherine Creek. Those got caught on tree branches and then exploded, making me almost drown and lose my shoe to the depths of the creek forevermore. #tangent

This doesn't mean the current has slowed down to a stagnant stream. Life is still tricky. It's hard to navigate. But there's always help. As a dear friend just said to me the other day, "Hope is good. Always carry it with you." I think we throw it away too often. Fight for it. Hold onto it until your knuckles go white. I've learned something else about faith: it's stronger than fear. It can beat fear up, because fear is a liar, and faith is based on truth. Sha-bam!

I came across this scripture a couple of nights ago and I just cried when I read it. Cried and cried. Because there it was. The answer!

"But behold, the righteous that hearken unto the words of the prophets, and destroy them not, but look forward unto Christ with steadfastness for the signs which are given, notwithstanding all persecution—behold, they are they which shall not perish.

But the Son of Righteousness shall appear unto them; and he shall heal them, and they shall have peace with him, until  three generations shall have passed away, and many of the fourth generation shall have passed away in righteousness."

2 Nephi 26: 8-9 (emphasis added)

"She Will Find What Is Lost" 

by Brian Kershisnik

 (probably one of my most favorite paintings ever)

Work in place of worry. Faith in place of fear.