*boils water* "wifey materialllllll"

I have a question. Is putting your laptop on your lap cancerous? THIS IS SRSLY SERIOUS. I do it all the time, but I also use my hot pad more times than most old people (probably), sooo.... anyway, why is it called a laptop if you're not supposed to put it on your lap? They don't call it a legtop or a facetop. Anyway.

Sidenote: I'm watching this Princess Diana documentary thing on Netflix (I know how lame I am ok) and omg drama queeeeen. Yes that pun was intended. But srsly guys. I mean I know she was super famous and stuff but she didn't have to like scream and cry so much. Maybe that's just the movie version of her. Maybe she just needed a Midol. Maybe it's a good thing I didn't write Princess Diana's biography.

It's been a long time (translation: a few months) (weeks) since I wrote a good/bad/funny list on here. Or any kind of list. And what is a blog without lists? The truth is I have writer's block, but I want to barf some text onto this blog to keep it from it getting moldy and old like those graham cracker crumbs I found in the pantry earlier.

bueno
1) going to the mountains almost every day! also getting real sunburnt. I'mma be a human leather purse in like 15 years.
2) consuming a lot of mint limeade. and water. but mostly limeade.
3) a typical dinnertime scene at my house (this was tonight's for example): we're eating. started to talk about hiking, and how some people in the family don't love it as much. ellie asked why. my dad said "ever since the Bigfoot attack a few years ago..." Ellie is gullible, so she immediately was like "Really? Well what happened?" And my mom said "We kicked him right in the nougat!" And I said "Nougat? I can never eat a candy bar again." /end scene (well, then we watched lots of Sasquatch sighting videos at the dinner table)
4) CHOCOLATE PIE OVERDOSE (this could be bad in a few hours)

malo
1) spelling my own name wrong in an email to my English professor. He's probably like "Hmm how can we take back that acceptance letter...?" FACEPALM (my comp keeps tryna autocorrect that word to "FACEPLATE" and it's making me craugh)
2) sensual back rubbing in church, gross.
3) the word "sensual" hahaha what is that even
4) finally finishing "A River Runs Through It," which I had been putting off because I knooooow how it ends, and I still cried. Probably cried enough salt to make a good batch of biscuits.

funny
1) shae's story about her mom telling her mermaids didn't exist (I've never heard a story like this IRL)
2) also, the dude next to us on University who had a garter (circa 1984) hanging from his rearview....jamming to Taylor Swift like it was nothing. Should I put up a missed connections ad???
3) adding "mom" to the end of every Fall Out Boy Song. TRY IT.
4) THESE PITCHURS:
(animal edition)

no remorse detected

(I OBVIOUSLY WROTE THIS WHOLE THING WHILST BEING VERY SLEEP DEPRIVED SORRY GOING 2 LOGAN TOMORROW HAHA I AM EMOTIONALLY COMPROMISED)

timpernougat: the time our knees became shredded barf

If you don't know what "shredded barf" is, I won't tell you, but I will direct you to this video and tell you that it's not what it sounds like. Promise.

I want you guys to know that I DID smile and laugh on this hike thanks to my homies Trent and Shae, bless them, but gosh it's hard to laugh at 11,752 feet. There's no extra air up there for laughing the way that I do (whole body movements, bending over, etc). You can't ralllyyy bend over on top of Timp, or you'll fall over on top of Timp, and then suddenly be on the bottom of Timp.

Here is a brief list, conjured from the broken shards of my brain, of things that were said on this hike by various persons (no names will be mentioned to protect the innocent/also I can't recall exactly who said the thing. Make it a game! Guess who said the thing!)

"This protein bar has 35 grams of protein."
"35 grams?! Wanna hook up?"

"Can we slide down the glacier?"
"Not unless you don't ever wanna have kids."

"It would be nice if there was a zipline right here {at the summit}."
"It would be faster."
"Another thing that would be faster is if you just rolled off the mountain. Cuz then you'd be dead, and wouldn't have to finish."
*blank stares*

"Ok but who put these rocks here."
"WHO PUT THESE ROCKS HEEEERE."
*upon seeing more rocks*
"Cuss word." (I'm not gonna write it, duh, this is a family blog!)

"Are you on your period?"
"No...why would you ask me that."
*gross smile*
"??????????????????"

"My hands are swole. Like little sausages."
"My hands have DIMPLES. They shouldn't have dimples!"
"Himples."
"You guys are on your period."
"*Jim Halpert face emoji*"

"I can't slide down any more dirt. I just bought these leggings."

"Can't believe this is paved for so long. I wonder what kind of Eagle Project on Steroids that was."

"I blinked my balls. My eyeballs. I probably shouldn't say that unless we're taking a picture."
"Or you're blinking."

"GET NAKED! I mean...what?"

*to the wide expanse of rock and ice*
"STOP SAYING PER-PER!!!" (it kinda echoed, guys)

"We've burned 3500 calories today."
"Is that it?"
"That's like 2.5 days worth."
*thinking of all the food I can eat*
"Is that it?"

"You did this to me."
"It's not my fault you decided to hike this pregnant."

"Why did I buy these nectarines? What are nectarines?"
"It's like a PEESH, but harder, so easier to carry in a backpack."
"I don't like these. It's your fault I bought them."
"It's not my fault you don't know what a nectarine is!"
*deep conversations at the summit, part five*

"What's wrong with my legs?"
"It's all the lactic acid building up."
"Should I put my feet up or something?"
"Just eat a huge plate of spaghetti with broccoli."
"I only have noodles."
"Same difference."
*grabs cereal*

"I can't stand for very long because my legs are...they have..."
"Jelly bones."
"What an accurate description."

*talking about a movie*
*someone mentions Christian Bale*
*someone down below us goes "Yeah?"
Maybe you had to be therrreee.....but really that was funny! ha! HAHAHAHAHA I'm DELIRIOUS.

"I think you'll have a six pack tomorrow because of this."
"Eh. Not worth it."

"Is that a baby goat? A BABY? A BABY GOAT! IT'S A BABY GOAT EVERYONE LOOK AT THIS TINY PERFECT SPECIMEN OF A GOAT." -everyone said this as they passed the baby goat, let's be HONEST.

And now, a picture dump before my computer dies, along with my phone, and me. Huh? I didn't say anything. May you all be wiser than we were and take an elevator to the top of Timp.

the back of Shae

do you see the eyeball!?! this is funny because a) LOTR reference and this mountain is basically Mordor and b) we said the word "eyeball" like 50,000 times on this hike

those humans were sliding into the lake from the snow, yay for them, and yay for us for not doing it

THE GOOOOATS

here is is a more terrible pic of the goats but srsly the baby one was just chewing and staring at everyone I NEED ONE

my face is so swell (as in swollen) (and I'm grimacing) (but I am happy to be at the top por fin)

the back of Shae, the sequel

I like black and white too, sowhatwhocares

get the lump OUT OF HERE

there's no law that says you can't start telling a ghost story when a cop is shining a flashlight in your face

^^late night thoughts having nothing to do with this blog post

grandma on the far right

me in the middle looking awkward

(at Wrigley Field Circa Some Embarrassing Year)

If you are even a little bit funny, I'll probably write down the things you say and put them in a blog post someday. So watch your mouth.

I spent the last week in Washingtoregon, and thus, spent a lot of time with my grandma, who is one of the more quotable humans on this planet. I wish I had started recording things she said earlier, but at least I got this gravy (I looked up other words for "gems" on slang dictionary dot com, and I kind of regret it).

Disclaimer: this post is not meant to make fun. My grandma is seriously one of my favorite people and I love her dearly. And she's hilarious without trying.

happy monday, ya animals


"What's that mark that black babies have? Mongolian...Mongolian Grill. No, it's not that. But it's like Mongolian Grill." (she was close...it's called a Mongolian Spot. you can google it. Mongolian Grill=a tasty restaurant)

"I always wake up in the night and that's when I read the scriptures. Then I listen to conference talks which always puts me to sleep."

"Ok after swimming you can go sit on the front yard with the babies. But that's boring."

"You should date (insert man's name here). Wait, maybe not. He's like 10 years older than you. But he's a nice guy. But he's not as good looking as (man's brother)."

"I wonder what that minion show is about. Doesn't look very good. It has a girl with a bikini in it."

"You went to the UK?? I didn't know people were allowed to go there now."
"When weren't we allowed to go there?"
"Well it used to be Russia, you know."

"It's too bad you and (guy's name) are cousins...."
"Uhhh Grandma!"

"When was the last time you had a fast food job?"
"In between semesters in college."
"And that one boy asked you out! Whatever happened with him?"
"....."

"Ahh! There's earwigs all over these flowers. Your mom would hate this. She hates creepy stuff. *pondering for a moment* Well, okay, who doesn't?"

"Wow she sure looks good [weight wise]. When she said she was going to boot camp I honestly did not know what that meant."

"Those pants you're wearing are sure cute. (person) has these striped pants that make her look like she just got out of prison."

grandma's wall decor

alwals tell the truth

"If I had to describe Provo to people who had never been there I would just say, 'Two guys on a scooter.'" -Trent Zimmerman

circa 2013 (this was like 2 days after we became "friends")

What is the opposite of roasted? Isn't it toasted? Not raw...? Ok forget the food analogy. I'm doing a not-roast for Trent, because he's 25 today (in 30 mins, to be precise) and because this is my blog, dangit. *disclaimer: I wrote this at a very late hour* Let us begin.

25 REASONS TO BE BEST FRIENDS WITH TRENT Z.

1. he will come over at 12am if you're having a complete breakdown over nothing, and throw felt balls at your face, and then comfort you for both of those things
2. he will let you sit by him for 2 hours and correct the grammar on his powerpoint presentation which is actually for an engineering class and grammar isn't even that important? But his was pretty good anyway. 8/10.
3. he will definitely not ever pretend to be a cat and not-accidentally bruise your back because he jumps on you! not ever. he would never do that.
4. also he would never jump on you from behind while you, unsuspecting and innocent little cupcake human, are getting into the fridge for something, thus making your pants fall off a little bit, and then run away. N-E-V-E-R.
5. he'll invite you to do things! even if you can't/won't do them because you're a wimp. like hiking Timp twice in a week. haha. ha. that'll never not be funny. ok but I get points for climbing on the roof of Guru's that one time. right?
6. he will let you help him pick out deodorant (dude what is WITH the men's deodorant names?? "Nocturnal Gentleman" is not a deodorant name, k? Not acceptable). he will not let you take the unhealthy burritos out of his shopping cart, though. smh.
7. he will send you lots of cat pictures. like, so many. SOMANY.
8. he will send you lots of other pictures of things you don't want to see :'(
9. he will come over and sit on your porch (on a holiday) while you cry a very ugly cry, and then let you be the third (more like fourth) wheel on his 4th of July date-thing (sorry Trent)
10. he will hug you until you literally fall over, or stop breathing, or just get generally feel too uncomf to handle it anymore
11. he will make you feel super good about anything you're mildly okay at
12. he can teach you how to properly slice quesadillas and...do stitches on yourself (actually haven't learned that one yet. what gives?)
13. he won't ever fake or pity-laugh for you (this is a serious thing, ok? fake laughing is the worst)
14. he will call you out on whatever it is that you think you struggle with, and make you think "oh...I'm actually being dumb about this thing." And you're right. 
15. he will probably buy you a Frosty if you ask nicely!
16. he will not walk you to your car in the dark woods if you ask nicely! but he'll shine his beloved flashlight in that general direction. 6/10
17. he's super tall, which is always a nice bonus for us short people. to look at. I'm getting kind of sleepy.
18. I'll finish in the morning-times. crap it is morning. I'll finish in the 8 hours from now.
19. he will use phrases like "I think that's delightful!" like an old man, because he secretly is an old man, and that's why he wears those socks. those socks. you know what I mean. old men are endearing though, right? right.
20. he will laugh incessantly about a joke you told like ten years ago, and then you have to explain to everyone what the joke is/was while he's still laughing about it, which makes you feel super confident/awkward at the same time. what a weird phenomenon.
21. he is one of only like 3 people that will watch Adventuretime with moi and enjoy it (I can't say this for the rest of you reading this, but if you don't watch it, why??)
22. he will make fun of you for not dancing heartily enough at concerts (I'm not sorry. I hate sweating. the end.)
23. he will only sorta make fun of your Spanish when you "help" him with his Spanish homework 
24. he'll save all of his grossest nicknames for you, aw
25. if you fall asleep on his couch he'll sit on you to wake you up (again, like a cat). don't want to be napping for too long, you know. so that's...nice...of him. ????

Technically that was 24 but who's counting? *your automated numbered list is, dummy*

I like being hot, ok? so sue me (not what you think)

♫you arreeeee so beautifullllllll to meeeeee♫

I've been thinking about heat lately. About how I hated it when we moved here from Oregon, hated that dry static fire that clung to me all day from June to August, those coils digging into me and making me a perpetual human oven. I did not like being warm. Then winter would come and I breathed a brief sigh of relief. The reprieve was short because I didn't like snow, either. What a weirdo.

Maybe growing older also means adapting to whatever place you're in and liking it. I can say with full confidence that I could now 100% live in the desert, and I do mean Arizona or Southern Utah or whatever desert biome you wanna slap me into. That's right, universe. If you want to take me somewhere warm in the near future (please let it be the near future, because the distant future is not good at keeping in touch--never calls, never writes), I wouldn't breathe an ounce of opposition.

But don't keep me away from the mountains, either. Is this too difficult of a request? Also are you writing this down? You should probably be writing this down.

I prefer my Future to take notes. That way the plans don't get thrown in the junker, you know what I mean? Open communication is the llave, the key. Don't want your future getting busted, kids.

(like I really know anything)
(eyeroll emoji)

yay stinging nettle yay

 my mom says I can't go hiking alone anymore and that's just silly you know because I've only seen a bear once and that thing was tiny!

this was after I waded into the seaweed that feels like coagulated jelly under your feet to get Ellie's fly that was tangled in the weeds hashtag true love. ew.

I'm always in the mountains these days. To escape socializing the heat.