On second thought, I think everyone should stop saying "bae" now. There are so many better ways to refer to your beloved: My Crispy Potato Chip, Swedish Trish (this only works if your significant other is named Trish), "Bless Your Beautiful Hide/Hyde" (this is a play on that song from Seven Brides for Seven Brothers), and lastly, "Did You Take out the Garbage Yet." Such romantic, very affection.
Houston wants to be a prominent figure in society someday and that's why I keep publishing the things he says.
Houston after 10pm
Can we name our son Just In Me? Then when he runs for president he can say "trust in me..JUST in me."
"Behold thy SPOUSE" (with arms outstretched)
Okayyy I'm gonna go brush brush brush brush my teeeeefers
What do you call the knight who wants to free all the slaves?
Sir Emancalot
Eddie Bauer is so much better than Eddie Redmayne
(At the mall, music is playing) Do you think the telesrial kingdom will be just like this but without Sweet Home Alabama playing?
Let's make out until we both have gout
???????????????
I'm gonna make a movie called Parent Trap but it will be about catching parents in bear traps.
Lots of things are your fault. And lots of things are your birth control's fault.
Tots need ketchup like North Korea needs Netflix.
I wanna get stamps that just say "tramp" on them.
This is called a muggle snuggle cuz there's no magic involved.
*talking in his sleep at an Airbnb*
"Wait, is that an eyeball in the corner?! What are you doing here?"
I wish I could fall asleep to the smell of ham every night.
Did you know that when Elder Bednar got married in the temple he changed his name tag to say Elder Wednar
I had a dream my poodle got turned into King Kong and shot down from the tower (I lost it when he said this one)
I just named your butt George W Tush!
...And now you're being President Daft.
Me: What's that from?
H: Not every thing is a quote! [pause] And not everything is a quilt.
Me: what are you getting your family for Christmas?
H: a big bucket of steak sauce. I'll call it "mistake sauce." And then with an envelope and card I'll say "atonement." See, it'll be a religious gift.
Me: only you could make a bucket of steak sauce religious.
“I sent my DNA results in and I’m one third Son of Perdition”
M: “Apple changed the notes font! Better than the stupid Helvetica.”
H “What the Helvetica!”
M: “China once had a traffic jam that lasted three days and three nights.”
H: “I think that was after Christ’s death...”
Sometimes I talk to my ex girlfriends. We ex-communicate.
Did you know that people with download syndrome have one extra google chrome a some?
m: She has gonohrrea
H: Where did she go?
m: Are we getting a movie for Chase?
H: No actually he wants a teenage geisha this year
*watching Planet Earth*
me: the DAD birds get the food?
h: the mom birds want to watch desperate housewives.
m: desperate houseBIRDS
h: desperate birdhouses
(it was late at night, I am sorry)
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