"stay swoll, ponyboy"-abraham lincoln

I was at Gold's Gym Vasa (W H A T E V E R) and I had to do this awful free consultation.

Not all the best things in life are free.

The guy who was consulting me was very ripped. His upper half was basically a perfect triangle. Which did nothing except make me think of

The only triangles I really care about. 

But you know how some people are so buff that their upper halves actually turn into TRIAngLES? It's a thing! Mostly found in swimmers because #shoulders. You're always sure to find out something you never needed/wanted to know on this blog.

He asked me to warm up by "biking a little." I got on the stationary bikes (the kind you actually sit down on at a 90 degree angle, which in my opinion doesn't do anything). One time I saw someone using a stationary bike at the AF Fitness Center. She was eating a fudgesicle while pedaling.

sidenote: I hate the word Fudgesicle

So, point is, I wasn't exactly "warming up" from this bicycle exercise, but apparently it made my face looked flushed enough that he came over and told me to "cool down." 

Me, 5 seconds later:....uhh...ok. Done. Cooled off.

Him: *eyebrow movement*

Me: Okay, I could use some...water?

Then he fist-bumped me. This would be the first of 50 times I received a fist bump from this guy. FIFTY SHADES OF FIST BUMPING NEVERMIND FORGET I SAID THAT WISH I HADN'T SAID THAT

He then asked me to keep pedaling while he grilled me about my fitness goals and dreams (which I don't really have, oops). I explained to him that I just want to be healthy and I'm not trying to get ripped for anything. He, however, had different plans for lowly ol' Kenzie-Wimpy-Pants-MaGee (that's me). 

Him: "Just tell me your fitness dream."

Me:

Him: What do you want to look like? *fist bump*

Me: A human? Me? Myself? McKenzie? Help.

Him: So like...when you look at yourself in your birthday suit, in the mirror, what do you imagine your dream body being? *fist bump*

Me:

*sending telepathetic messages into the void*: HELP ME SOMEONE HELP

Me, in real life: Okay, ummm well I don't do that...and I guess I just want to be...HEALTHY.

Him: Okay, let's go lift some weights. You're gonna be so ripped it's insane. *double fist bump*

Me: I need some water again. *runs out the sliding glass doors and into my car, which counts as vigorous exercise*

Jk, I went and "lifted" weights (correction: the weights lifted me, off the ground and into outer space). And he told me that I really should get a trainer because I am weak. He didn't explicitly say the w-word, but he said "You're having trouble lifting that barbell there." Then he hi-fived the girl pumping iron next to me. LIKE, okAY, I gET it, you're only hi-fiving the real fitness gurus and the rest of us get FIST BUMPS. 

And again I say, the best things in life are not free (except pizza, if you get free pizza congratz to you and yours).