what's a husband good for anyway?

Never fear. I, husbandless girl that I am, will tell you:

• holding your groceries so you can go to the bathroom because guess what you can't take your "merchandise" into the bathroom with you at Wal-Mart (lol @ Wal-Mart for thinking I would call anything I bought from there "merchandise")
• back-scratches in hard-to-reach places
• telling you when you need to use hyphens and don't need them (I never need them but that doesn't stop me from abusing them)
• making you good playlists when you run out of good music and Discover Weekly is the wurst
• watching every episode of Parks & Rec, The Office, and 24 with you (for the hundred-billionth time, whatever, it's not a big deal, I'm getting help)
• bringing you chips and salsa when you forget to eat because you've been writing a paper for four hours wait it's morning now jk bring me toast
• telling you if there's something in your teeth (THIS IS SERIOUS)
• telling you if your zipper is down
• telling you if you need gum or a mint
• giving you said gum or mint
• giving you faces like these when you're being straight up ridiculous:

• understanding your sense of humor/inside jokes
• giving you rides home from campus so you don't have to walk home alone in the rain and in the dark like I did tonight whoops sorry mom I had no choice
• honestly rating your Instagram captions/overall social media presence (on a scale from 1-10)
• giving you foot rubs and then gently telling you when it's time to shave your toes 
• bringing you toilet paper when you run out on the pot
• being your excuse to leave a party early 
• helping you not to eat an entire tub of popcorn before the movie starts (we'd split it 50/50)
• (okay more like 70/30)
• (80/20)

This doesn't mean anything except that I'm heavily procrastinating writing a paper and the other day I was in Wal-Mart with the fullest bladder and nobody to hold my groceries. Hence this list came to fruition goodbye.