embarrassing things I did in my youth that still haunt me at night

I am screaming in my flesh trash.

THIS IS HOW IT FEELS WHEN YOU SHOW SOMEONE SOMETHING YOU THINK IS FUNNY AND THEY DONT LAUGH.

being the center of attention is a nightmare.

This comic is me, my entire life, in just a few frames. I love it so much.

I was in the midst of grading papers this afternoon when I remembered something really gross I had once done (when I was--gulp--19). This happens a lot. Something I've tried to repress always comes back to wag its proverbial finger at me and say "HAHA, remember when you were pubescent?!" YES. I REMEMBER. YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEP BRINGING IT UP, CEREBRUM. LET IT GO.

Maybe if I write these down and let everyone read them, the hauntings will stop. But I really doubt it.

Story #1: 
When I was 19, me and my two breast friends (I am not correcting that because of the context of the story) formed a "Hammocking Club." This means that we walked to a house on 100W in Rexburg which had a hammock hanging in the front yard and used it. All three of us. In a hammock made for one person. One person hammock. Three people. Not a good idea.

One of my old roommates' exes lived there, and he hated us using it. So we continued to do so, duh.

Every night, people (men) would walk past (since it was right by the sidewalk) and we would rate them. We'd do it when they were ten feet away, but still. So embarrassing. And we would even ask them to give us a little push sometimes. Is it any wonder none of us got any dates?

One night we decided to just start yelling things out like we had Tourette's, just to get a reaction. Wanna know what the worst thing we said was? "LACTATE!" I need to go lie down for a few minutes so I can recover from this one.

At the end of that semester, me and Chelsea snuck to this front yard in the middle of the night (ok, it was like 9 o'clock) and snipped a piece of the hammock off for our time capsule. Yikes.

Story #2:
I went through a phase in my 8th year of life fondly known as "Pinch Everybody's Buttocks Phase." PEBP. I don't know, I have to make everything an acronym. It got the point where I would stand in the hallway at church as Relief Society was letting out and just pinch people's bottoms, one after the other. In the confusion, nobody could see who it was (it helped that I was shorter than everyone). Not only was this unsanitary, but it gave me a bad rep. And my mom put a stop to it when I pinched an unsuspecting butt a little too hard. Hers. Rookie mistake, smh.

Story #3
It was Day-Before-Easter-Saturday. I was running around the front yard, high on candy and life, probably swinging from Grandma's trees like a tweaked version of Tarzan. Just imagine a five year old in Minnie Mouse overalls and long braids, missing her front teeth, screaming. My nickname was The Screamin Demon, ok.

I still don't know how this story took the turn that it did. It makes no sense in my mind's eye (which I am wishing I could poke out). But I had to go the bathroom (Weak Bladders ((Not-So)) Anonymous), so I unsnapped those overalls and peed on the neighbor's FENCE. HOW DID I EVEN DO THIS. Anatomically it should be impossible, but I know that the wood stain was a little bit darker after I was done with it, so..??????? Anyway, in the midst of this micturating, my mom came around the corner and saw me. I hurried and snapped up that Minnie Mouse denim and ran into the house, thinking quickly.

I knew my mom would take away my Easter candy as punishment, so what did I do? Well duh! I barricaded my door with my play furniture and started to eat it all. She walked in on me as my mouth was drooling with taffy and Snickers bars. I mean, ew. I didn't even get to enjoy it. All this while my overalls were covered in urine. I deserve at least one demon child for this incident alone. I really do.