so you wanna become a writer, eh?

Jim = people who feel bad for those who want to write for a career

Dwight = the writers who shouldn't give a carp

*sips my huge water bottle full of lemonade because I accidentally made a gallon of homemade lemonade and so it's not really a sip it's more like a succession of loud gulps*

I very recently decided to own the fact that what I want most in life (career-wise, anyway), is to be a writer. You would think that after two English degrees I wouldn't feel weird about saying "I am a writer." But I did.

Usually, when people asked me what I wanted to do with my degree (which is my least favorite question....all ye who speak to young adults, please ask something else), I squirmed uncomfortably and said "Uh, I dunno."

"You gonna teach?" (always, always this)

"I don't know. I actually did teach already and I didn't love it." (*flashbacks to late nights grading and answering angry student e-mails)

"Well, teaching is great."

"Yeah...."

END CONVERSATION IN A CLAP OF THUNDER

I've been reading lots of self-help books and a lot of them say some iteration of this: what you are good at is not an accident. You are meant to use your god-given talents and share them! That doesn't just mean that because you learned to play the piano you will always be the pianist for Relief Society (but I did just end my streak of having this calling in the past five wards I've been in). Those things you are passionate about shouldn't go to waste! And while using them in church is wonderful and (usually) a good experience, it's not the only experience.

This blog is a microcosm of everything I wish I was, but I am not yet. But maybe that's the thing, maybe my expectations of "what I'm supposed to be" are complete trash. And I should put them where they belong--in the garbage can. So many writers suffer from that fake-curse of thinking "I'm not good enough." And I think writers are one of those groups that actually can say that without a hint of irony, because rejection is part of the gig.

Within one month of submitting a couple of poems to a dozen magazines, one wrote back and said my writing was strong and they wanted to publish, and the other said I "just wasn't a good fit." It used to sting a little, but I send out my poems to so many places it's hard to take things personally now. Maybe it's about getting comfortable with discomfort, with rejection, with someone saying "no thanks." Step one to becoming a writer: learn to take nothing personally, in a world where everyone does.

And people are still saying "no" or "that's a bad idea" to me in other ways, but I've decided not to care, because I know what I'm supposed to be doing. I finally know! And it was always right in front of me.

Since this two-week-old epiphany happened, I've had conversations like this:

my boss: "So, what do you want to do in life? What's your trajectory?"
me: "I want to write."
boss: "Hmm."

student: "What are you going to do with your English degree?"
me: "I want to be a writer."
student: "Oh." (while making a very thinly veiled painful expression)

person: "What did you graduate in?"
me: "English."
person: "On purpose?"

It's probably going to keep happening. And when I publish my first book, I will definitely, positively dedicate zero of my pages to those people.

to watch

 

Occasionally I write movie reviews, but only when I care enough to shout it to the rest of the world.

Hey youuuu guuuuuyyys!

Watch this:

It's a Wes Anderson classic, and even if you're not quirky enough to like Wes Anderson, you'll like this. It's got a bit more relatable oomph, and, well, it has lines like this:

 

Fun fact: Jason Schwartzman is Robert Schwartzman's brother. Yeah, the guy you had a crush on when Princess Diaries came out.

Basic plot synopsis yawn: a high schooler involved in every extracurricular activity you can think of tries to win over one of his teachers, to sad/comical effect. Sounds weird, right? But it's not. It's just real good. And that's why you should never rely on a basic plot synopsis to tell you what a movie is about. How am I supposed to capture a feeling?!

I am the next Roger Ebert, I think.

 

I am Sisyphus, self-checkout is my boulder

 me @ my past self who ever thought grocery shopping could be fun

Before I was married, I actually fantasized about grocery shopping with my husband. I thought it would be a real party, a true bonding experience. Just imagine it! The elevator music playing over the loudspeakers as the fruit guy stares at you for an uncomfortable amount of time. You pluck a grape from the bag in your cart and feed it to your man while the thunder recording plays from the produce section. The white bread is on sale. Sexy, right?

Well. MAYbe I was a bit naive back then (whoops, I still am, don't ask me when I found out how eggs are made).

Now, I'm more realistic. I have a plan. I try to go late at night when there's fewer people, and never ever on a Monday night. Weekend nights are surprisingly quiet, but only if you go after 10pm (wow that is a huuuge window. Huuuuge.). I'm usually not "dressed up" (i.e. wearing anything besides my pajamas) if I'm going to Wal-Mart. If I'm going Smith's, I'll throw on some lip balm and conceal the pits under my eyes. Oh, and Houston comes with, but only if the laundry is done (we're usually pulling double duty with laundry and groceries on the same day, and doing both of those things can really take a toll on someone's spirit, amen).

I started running into way too many former students at Smith's, so I pivoted, and now I go to Smith's Marketplace. It's like a weirder Fred Meyer (one aisle over from the milk, they're selling garbage cans and oven mitts with cats on them). 

It's cool because I can buy my food there but it's not cool because I overthink everything:

• Are these produce bags just for the organic produce? I don't wanna get charged for organic produce....they feel so thick...hmm
• I think I've seen that man here before. Oh no he's coming over here I hope not to talk to me.
• We don't need butter, but it's on sale.
• Grabbing a cart when the employee is trying to put the carts back at the same time is muy stressful!
• It is actually comical how long it takes me to decide on which loaf of bread to buy. 
• No it isn't. Because fiber. 
• I can't go down that aisle because somebody is already in it.
• These avocados are already halfway to guacamole.
• Yeah I think that girl just caught me singing a song about the pasta sauce...to the pasta sauce. I hope she's not in my ward.
• Never pay in cash unless you have exact change, because the trauma of spilling any coins the cashier gives back to you and holding up the line will make you want to fake your own death.

This last Saturday night, I had too many groceries for self-checkout, but there was only one regular checkout line open and the line was (here it comes again) huuuuge. So I went to self-checkout. A band of youths was just standing there staring and laughing and it was like the hyena scene in Lion King, and I was the elephant about to get eaten (really, it was not that dramatic). But the guy who helped me did have a ponytail and a clip-on phone case. And then I forgot my box of cereal in my haste to run.

 

 this is exactly it.

when trials are like, way unflattering

I found this in ye olde camera roll today:

This is a picture of me one month and four days before I met Houston. I was feeling real depressed about my current state of affairs....or lack thereof? Hence my puffy eyes, from crying a lot.

Logan was getting colder, I was not sleeping, grading papers was hard, why was I here?? I had felt so right about the whole shindig, and then nothing seemed to make sense after I moved my whole life up north. It was just too hard. I had not expected to feel so alone.

Now, it would have been nice if an angel, or probably my Great Grandma Ruth (because I think she and I are very much alike), had come down to visit me on November 14th, 2015, and said "Everything is going to be freaking o-KAY McKenzie. Cry a little bit, but then wipe your eyes so you can see what's coming next..."

And maybe IF she had done that, I would've been able to endure a little bit more gracefully. And maybe she did, in her own way, and I didn't notice at the time, but the point is, I got to the end of that semester and then I met Houston. It was only a time span of two months.

I recently made a really tough decision regarding my job, and I made what I think is the right choice (based on the extremely unsettled feeling I had about the alternative option). Well, my life hasn't turned around since then. In fact, there have been quiiiite a few times where I have questioned my decision, or just looked back at myself to say "Uh, what were you thinking? Why did you do that?"

It basically comes down to faith--not faith that you will see the miracle, but faith that you might not. At least not yet. And that is the hardest kind of faith, at least for me.

It's so hard to squeeze your eyes shut and kinda jump over the cliff towards an unknown. Looking at this photo was like a gentle love tap from above, as if my heavenly parents were saying "We know you better than you know yourself. Trust us trust us trust us trust us."

So I will. I'll probably still have to do it with one eye open, though.

things I'm learning

*picture-heavy post ahead*

Short hair is just a better look for me, and I'm okay with that. Still getting used to not having the bun as a lazy option.

I love lip balm. I have work lip balm, random drawer lip balm, purse lip balm, pocket lip balm, and car lip balm. Also, I love saying lip balm. It feels kind of like a tropical island on your tongue. 

My wallet doesn't love lip balm.

We have a fiber arts club at work. This week I'm bringing Frida. It's hard to balance embroidery with all the other things I want to do, because it takes a lot of time + patience--things I do not have in large supply. Our talents and interests are supposed to teach us, right?

Salted browned butter rice krispy treats YES. I gave these to a dear friend in the ward, and she said "You know it's true love if someone takes the time to brown butter for you." May we engrave that saying on all of our hearts.

I used to have playlists for different seasons, but now they're all bleeding together. I think it has more to do with emotions and memories than seasons, although they are so often linked together. For example--Bibio used to be strictly for autumn playlists. But now it's reappearing in heavy rotation, right as spring lets out its last beautiful breath (I can feel you, summer, burning my neck...ack).

If you aren't a walk person, you should be. Proof:

things to put in your pocket

For safekeeping:

When we went through the Arby's drive-thru at 10:30 and the Arby's employee said everything like it was a question, even things like "Have a nice day?" and "Next window please?" And the bite of your roast beef sandwich made me want to cry because, unfortunately, it was delicious.

At church, I sang in the choir during sacrament meeting and Helen, the older woman (your favorite) sitting next to you said "Isn't it great to have such a sweetheart for a wife?" And you said "Yes, it is." She told me this after my Relief Society lesson.

When we watched two Ryan Coogler movies in one day without realizing it (Black Panther and Creed). And used our gift cards to buy tickets and popcorn (the lap of luxury, baby), but then we didn't finish the popcorn. How did we not finish it?

When we fought over which Don Bluth movie to watch on Sunday night and then you went down the Don Bluth rabbit hole and discovered his relationship to Mitt Romney and Parley Pratt. And you wouldn't give up until you found out if he was "still active" (he is).

When I tried to wake you up by turning on the lamp and you fake-slept through the whole thing. But I only did it because I knew you had to wake up on time for a meeting, because on Sunday morning you bolted out of bed and ran into the bathroom to brush your teeth because you had a work meeting at 9. And when you spit out the toothpaste you looked at me and said, "It's...Sunday."

When you told me to put cinnamon on the banana cream pie even though the recipe didn't call for it. That was the most perfect suggestion.

erosion (this one’s about time)

written in October 2017

I think going on drives is my muse. I think acknowledging I don’t need a muse should be my muse, but isn’t yet.

I realized tonight that I feel lost when I’m not looking for something. I keep going back to the days when I struggled, alone--when I raked hair out of shower drains at 3am or got snowed in every Saturday for four months while writing essays. Fall always makes me look back. Why? I always want to build a time machine just for certain moments, like running away from an ex's house acting like I wasn’t hoping I’d run into him, but running up against more sunsets than I can remember instead.

And I would take the long way home to get away, just to get away, but also to find something else, maybe in the mountains or the tunnels I drove through to get there or maybe at the top of the mountain during summer. Every time it was like a surprise to summit, like calling the wrong number and knowing it, even before the person on the other end says hello and you know you’ll have to stumble and say sorry, wrong number. And you wish you could hire a helicopter to come and whir you away, and off the top of the mountain, and sliding down the glacier on your butt doesn’t make you numb enough to the shame of the whole thing.

And then climbing back down, you see wildflowers.

how to not have an anxiety attack every time you try to internet

I haven't logged on to my regular Instagram account in...a while. This is not a humble brag, or even a regular brag. I still use my smaller "favorites" account to occasionally stalk people and see what they're up to. Usually it's boring. I find myself instinctively opening it to "check on the world" and then I immediately close out of it cuz I think "uh wait, nothing is going on there."

If anyone knows how to talk a topic to death, it's me. And Victor Hugo. But mostly me.

I'm learning how to notice my emotions when they come and to let myself feel them. It turns out I'm terrible at letting myself feel, especially what you might call "negative" emotions. Here's a list of feelings I am amazingly good at feeling:

things I love to let wash over me while I'm sitting in the driveway listening to very emo music:
1) nostalgia
2) love
3) humor
4) whatever the feeling is that comes when you start daydreaming excessively. excitement + wonder?
5) hunger (ha)

And then, to contrast that very small list:

things I am horrible at letting myself feel (i.e. I bottle these emotions up and sell them at the County Fair. I've still never won a blue ribbon.)
1) guilt for things other people have done (yes this is real)
2) faith
3) sometimes, enthusiasm for everyday, mundane things
4) sadness
5) anxiety
6) stress
7) pride (a better way to say this one: confidence)

This list is not comprehensive, but just writing it out made me feel weird. I guess I let myself feel that emotion.

On a podcast I listen to, she said something like this: all the work you do trying not to feel an emotion is so much harder on you than just letting yourself feel it.

And noticing and understanding our emotions and why we're having them is healthy, because then we can learn to control them. I am not great at this, but I'm getting better. Holding on to negative emotions can actually cause physical illness, and I can actually tell when I'm doing this now because I start to get a headache, I get nauseated, I just feel physically gross.

Late last year, I started to notice that every time I spent more than 20 minutes on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter, I started to feel like sludge. Sometimes I would cry. I would have intense FOMO, about everything. Like even if I was looking at a stranger's social media profile, I would feel so completely inadequate, unsuccessful, poor, ugly in comparison that I had to delete the app and come back down to earth. Does that sound healthy to you?

On December 31st, I found wrote this on a piece of paper: "2018: The Year of Paying Attention." Then I wrote about what I felt like the Spirit had been nudging me to do for a long time, but I had been ignoring: start paying attention.

And here's what's happened since I wrote that note to myself and opened my eyes to what has always been in front of me:

1) I started going to therapy
2) I started reading actual books again
3) I started going on walks
4) I let myself feel, both good and bad. Still working on communicating those things, though.
5) I started writing more
6) I submitted poems I've been holding onto for over a year
7) I applied for a writing internship

Some of these things have been way out of my comfort zone. Anything I let go of had claw marks on it. Why is it that we, as humans, crave change so badly, and then when it finally gets to us, we want to run away screaming? Our comfort zones are just so comfy. But there's not really anything there, except for couches I guess.

And here is another thing I've learned! If you have fear of missing out on something, whether that be a sale, a vacation, a life-changing event, whatever....

what is meant for you will not pass you by.

So just think about that next time you're sitting in your bed late at night and scrolling through everyone else's highlights. And if you really want what they have, do somethin' about it.

let's talk about skiiiiincare

Merp, okay. I don't know how to start this post? I've never done a product/beauty post before, but one of my bffs said I should start blogging about skincare. And I can only post so many 10-second clips on my insta-stories every week offering some tips for shrinking those craters on your nose (by the way, you can't get rid of those...they're like armpit hair....but that's a different post for a different DAY). BT-dubs, this is not a sponsored post, there are no affiliate links...it's just me, talking about SKIN. Let's do this.

I could go on and on about this topic, but let's just start with the basics + why I care about my skin so dang much and isn't that a little vain no it's not

Since I was 12 or 13, I've had acne. Big pores, dry patches, weird bumps, all of it. And I loved to pick at my face when I was stressed or (ironically) when I was upset about my face. So I'd make it worse. Makes sense, right?!

My dermatologist prescribed really expensive + really strong creams that kinda burned my face off. My "routine" for about 10ish years was this:

1) wipe off makeup with Pond's Cold Cream (this is the only thing I did right)
2) wash face with Dove bar of soap (sigh)
3) slather on as much benzoyl peroxide as I could muster (hence, drying my skin up so it looked like a shriveled, peeling raisin)

As I got older, my hormones got weirder, and I would get these huge, painful cysts on my chin and jawline. I did not know they were hormonal, but I knew they made me want to stay in my house for days until they went away. Trying to conceal them made them look worse. I cried a lot. It seemed like no dermatologist could help me! I once went to a derm here in Logan and she touched my face a lot (red flag number one, yo) and simply said, "Well, what do you think you should do?" I was like "Uh, I'm not the doctor here! You tell me." She shrugged and said "Accutane?" My regular doc vetoed that option because of my past history with liver problems, and so...back to square one.

I don't know how or when, but I discovered Asian skincare pretty soon after that discouraging dermatologist visit. If you are unfamiliar with the 10-step routine, here are a few places to get yourself acquainted. It can be overwhelming, but don't do what I did and go out and buy all ten steps and immediately start putting them on your face. That's a no-no.

The "ten step" routine is meant to be customizable, because...and here's the big shocker...everyone's skin is different. Therefore, a magical cream that worked for your BFF might break you out. Some people can rub baking soda and lemon juice on their faces and nothing happens (but do not ever do that, or I will come after you with a tub of moisturizer and a salmon to slap you with). Start with the basics, then slowly add in other steps (if you think your skin wants/needs 'em). I should also mention that I am on an anti-androgen birth control pill, which helps tremendously with hormonal acne. The sad truth about hormonal acne is that topical stuff doesn't always work to get rid of it. Sometimes you have to fix the hormonies. But that's a different post, yoinks.

If you've never had a dang skincare routine, well here's a few myths I need to bust before you start one:

1) good skincare routines have to be expen$ive and I don't have that kind of money
2) my skin is not that important...I'll grow out of it...it's kind of vain to care this much about my body's biggest organ, isn't it?
3) natural skincare is much better for my skin! I don't want to use "chemicals," yuck!
4) I don't have time
5) sunscreen is for wusses (okay but people who say this--do you really think you're tougher than the sUN?! THE FREAKIN' SUN?!!)

Look at that list, and if you're imagining it in your mind, now I want you to imagine lighting it on fire. There, see? Now you don't have to be constrained by those limiting beliefs anymore. And your skin is already saying thankyousomuch.

Building a Basic Routine
A lot of people have messaged me saying where the heck do I start? I mean, I know...I used to just wash my face with Dove soap and then dump enough chemical exfoliation on it to clean twelve bathrooms. It's much easier than a basic routine, but..don't do that.

The first thing you need to know is that your skin is an organ. It's a sensitive organ, and it likes to be pampered. But it doesn't take much to pamper it! Really! I know you've probably seen a few "shelfies" where people flaunt their giant skincare collection and honestly, those kinds of posts overwhelm me a little bit. And I'm one to talk, my skincare routine is pretty extensive now (six steps), but it did not start that way. And it shouldn't! And just a tip: if you see a shelfie with more than 10 products on it, you can bet that person isn't using all of those products at the same time on their skin, they got them for free, or they bought them and the product didn't work for them so now they're stuck with it, but it looks nice on display.

Let's get science-y for a second. Your skin has a moisture barrier and a natural pH level. The natural pH of your facial skin is about 5.5, so if you put something on your face that's too basic, it will strip that moisture barrier right off. Goodbye facial slip-n-slide! Sayonara!

Here's the pH scale for reference:

So, when I say don't ever put baking soda on your face for any reason, this is why. You'll notice drain cleaner is the most basic, or alkaline...and what do you often see used in drain cleaners? Baking soda! Here's a good rule of thumb: if you would use it to clean your sink, don't use it on your face. When your moisture barrier is damaged, you are more prone to acne + irritation. Irritation causes more acne (hence when you pick or touch your face, more zits appear...bummer).  And yeah, like I said, some people have good genes and they can slather all kinds of crap on their faces and they are plagued with nary a breakout, and ya know what, good for them. But also, their skin is probably secretly screaming at them. Don't be like them! Love your skin. :) Chemical exfoliants fall under the acidic side, so they will help neutralize your skin and bring it back to balance after you've washed it. Still confused? Here, read this!

A note about "chemicals": I used to work for a health food store, and the attitude amongst most customers was that any sort of "chemical" is "bad" for you. But guys...everything is made of chemicals! Even "natural" things involved some kind of chemistry when they were made by our divine creator. Why do you think your skin has a natural pH? Your gut? That's chemistry, baby. So when someone says "chemical exfoliation," do not run away screaming and cling tightly to your essential oils. There are much better, scientifically proven solutions. I promise.

If by "natural," you are looking for plant-derived ingredients only, there's some good options out there. Just don't fall for pseudoscience that tells you acids are terrible for your skin. If anything, they are meant for your skin (in moderation...don't go rubbing glycolic acid on your face every night as you're first starting out). And remember: when using chemical exfoliation of any kind, always moisturize and always use sunscreen.

So what things can I use on my face, McKenzie?! Well, this is tricky. The answer is sort of different for everyone. Some people have allergies to certain ingredients and they must avoid those (fatty alcohols, for example, which are in a lot of moisturizers). Some people's skin only likes a few layers of hydration--any more than that, and their pores start to clog. If you're wanting to try out a new product and would like to see which ingredients are comedogenic (typically cause acne), go here. 

If you have extremely oily skin, you're probably like, "Uh, moisturizer? I don't need that. My skin is slick enough, thank you." But your skin might just be dehydrated. This was me. I never, ever moisturized my skin, despite constantly chemically exfoliating it. Ack! Not to mention I never wore sunscreen, which will fry your skin if you're already using chemical exfoliants to get that dead layer of skin off the top (always wear sunscreen). If your skin is not moisturized, it will start to overcompensate, creating more oil, hence you have oily skin and think you don't need moisturizer, and the cycle continues. But you can break the cycle! Here's a list of some good basic moisturizers. 

Enough preaching! If I were just starting out, this would be my routine:

Step One: oil cleanser or makeup remover (I will talk about oil cleansing in a later post...but if you're weirded out about cleansing with oil, check this out). The reason I think Pond's Cold Cream is a good option is because one of the main ingredients is mineral oil, which is an awesome cleansing oil for some (again, it might break some people out...like everything. Know your skin and do your research before buying the first product someone recommends to you). 

Here are my favorite oil cleansers:

Softymo Deep Cleansing Oil

The Face Shop Rice Water Bright Cleansing Oil

(some Asian product names are a hilarious mouthful)

Straight up Jojoba oil

I like to mix oils, too. Jojoba + argan oil is my favorite combo

Here's a list of different oils and their levels of comedogencity

Step Two: gentle cleanser. I like foaming cleansers because they are supposed to be better for oily skin (they're typically more gentle than the kind of cleanser you have to suds yourself, so they keep that moisture barrier intact and aren't as likely to strip your skin, making it more oily....woof). These are my favorite cleansers:

Vanicream Cleanser

awesome brand in general

Hada Lobo Foaming Cleanser

another favorite brand. I would recommend basically anything they make. 

Step Three (optional if you're just starting out): chemical exfoliation or prescription from your dermatologist. This is where those BHAs, AHAs, retinol, azelaic acids go! If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you can go here. I use Curology, which is a custom blend of chemical exfoliants for mah skin. I've loved it so far! 

COSRX BHA

This is the probably the queen of all Asian skincare brands. 

Paula's Choice has a very popular BHA as well.

The Ordinary Glycolic Acid (an AHA)

 Pixi Glow Tonic is very similar, and beloved. Just a touch more $

Curology (online dermatologist + customized prescription. I use my HSA to pay for this, and it was worth it to me after other dermatologists did not help me. If you have a dermatologist you love, stick with them.)

Step Four: moisturizer! I feel like this is one of the most common steps that breaks people out. There are so many different types of moisturizers out there, it's hard to know which one your skin is going to love. I like to look out for standout ingredients: hyaluronic acid (gives your skin that plump glow, ahh yeah), niacinamide (helps fade acne scars), or ceramides. If a moisturizer has all three, that's a good sign. There are plenty of other great ingredients for your skin. I highly recommend this blog for all things skincare, and he has a section called "ingredients" (under Categories) that highlights many of the superstar ingredients you can look for. 

Here are my favorite moisturizers:

Oh, CeraVe. 

Be aware...this product has caused a lot of people to break out. It's one of those "love it or hate it" products. I happen to love it, and so does my skin! I bought a sample size before buying the huge tub in case it didn't work on my skin. I recommend you do this with any product before committing to the full size.

Stratia Liquid Gold

I also recommend reading her skincare blog. She does her research. 

The Ordinary Plant-Derived Squalane

(I used a tiny sample of the Biossance one, and while I loved it, a $70 oil wasn't in my budget. This is $8 and works just as well, imo)

Step Five: Sunscreen. Do not skip this step. If I hear one more person say that sunscreen gives you cancer I'll probably scream. It's actually the opposite. Scientific proof for all you haterz. Now, get that sunscreen on and live your life. 

Innisfree UV Protection Cream (dry and oily skin version)

Elta MD Sunscreen

La Roche Posay 

Biore

MUAH

If the beauty industry stresses you out, read this article to bring you back down to earth. It shouldn't be complicated. It's simple!

Bottom line: invest in your skin, and it will pay you back with confidence, self-esteem, and the absence of skin cancer. I happen to really like that last one.

oh shoot, I almost forgot

What would a skincare post be without a before and after?

(please note: this is one year of progress)