in which I attempt to cheer up the emoji benchwarmers

why isn't there an emoji for this emotion?

I don't think you'll be able to read this unless you're on a cell phone, mostly because I'm using lots of emojis and you're gonna feel real left out when all you can see are squares. SQUARES. Hint: capitalize one word per paragraph, just to disorient your readers. Just try it. TRY IT! Whoops, that was three words. I can't be an extremist, guys. Not today.

Are we calling cell phones "hotline blings" now? I need to keep up with the trends or this blog is going to go down the toilet. TUBES. Down the tubes. I don't like the word toilet just bc of what it reminds me of (puking, if you must know, and dead goldfish).

I have some things to say to those underused emojis living in all of our phones. I think they feel left out, so I wanted to just, ya know, encourage them a little. Emojis are people too! Wait. Nah. No. Nope.

Saxaphone, you're most useful than some would like you to believe (cough *guitar emoji* cough). I like to punctuate unfortunate news with you instead of actual periods and commas and stuff. Makes the recipient feel better. Hey (saxaphone) I (saxaphone) can't (saxaphone) come (saxaphone) tonight. Now it seems like they got a text from Kenny G. instead of Kenny no G(allbladder) (that me). 

Yo mom sandals, or mandals, you're not all bad. S/o to your arch support and hardcore orthopedic-ness. I bet if Meryl Streep was a sandal, she wouldn't be you. BUT YOU'RE STILL A-W-E-S-O-M-E. 

Satan after getting hit by a greyhound bus/some kind of mask?

Bro. BRO. you're alright. Not sure if you came from The Tiki Room at Disneyland or the actual depths of hell. Since I often use you to describe my face in the mornings, I'm gonna go with the second one.

It's true, I didn't know you existed until I was writing this blog post. Now I'm going to use you all the time when I need to talk about Anne of Green Gables in text messages (which is never, but)

Ok. Honestly? Are you the Emerald City or are you a cactus or are you something else entirely? Whatever you are, I'm going to embrace you. Some days I have felt the emotion "Emerald City" but haven't known I could express it...until now. Thank you. Thank you so. much.

mysterious grey box emoji

Dude, this is the tightest carp I've ever seen. Do I know what you are? No. But you're mysterious. You go ahead and own that. 

doily or cloud with frosting swirl

Nobody uses doilies anymore so you've gotta be a cloud with a frosting swirl, and I respect that. I respect anything with frosting on its face. Do you have a face? DO CLOUDS HAVE FACES? This emoji has caused me to have an existential crisis. Welcome to my blog.

johnny appleseed concert ticket

Hey Mr. Johnny Appleseed movie ticket thing. uhhhh....wow...um...good luck with everything? shoot for the moon and even if you miss you'll be in the middle of space. all alone. like Sandra Bullock.

floating howard stern

If you aren't a floating Howard Stern emoji then I want nothing to do with you. Sorry but that's the best support I can give at this juncture.

the "symbols" *imagine I'm banging a gong right now*

There's gotta be someone out there who knows what you guys are (probably only steve jobs, and he probably also knows the truth about michael jackson, shiz! he took that to the grave that son of a geraldine!).